Convince these students
An Army recruiter delivered a windy pep talk to encourage a group of
college students to join the VOLAR. But the culminating point of his oration
was greeted with cat calls, whistles and projection of rotten eggs and an
assortment of no less rotten vegetables and fruits.
A visitor asked a student: "Why you throw tomatoes at the man and now you are applauding him?"
"We want an encore. I still have some tomatoes left!" explained the student.
A visitor asked a student: "Why you throw tomatoes at the man and now you are applauding him?"
"We want an encore. I still have some tomatoes left!" explained the student.
The following is supposedly a true story relating to an actual sailor's experience in the Army.
After turning in from a four to eight watch the seaman overslept and missed muster. When questioned he said: "Due to my metabolic inability to cope with change I did not respond to external stimuli and remained in a comatose condition."
The C.P.O., who didn't understand a word, listened to this report with awe and sent the sailor to the psychiatrist.
Physical training job
The physical
training instructor was drilling a platoon of soldiers.
"I want every man to lie on his back, put his legs in the air and move them as though he were riding a bicycle," he explained. "Now begin!"
After a few minutes, one of the men stopped.
"Why did you stop. Smith?" demanded the officer.
"If you please, sir," said Smith, "I'm freewheeling for a while."
"I want every man to lie on his back, put his legs in the air and move them as though he were riding a bicycle," he explained. "Now begin!"
After a few minutes, one of the men stopped.
"Why did you stop. Smith?" demanded the officer.
"If you please, sir," said Smith, "I'm freewheeling for a while."
New officer efficiency
These are actual
phrases from Officer Efficiency Reports (performance appraisal for the military
officers).
"Not the sharpest knife in the drawer."
"Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching."
"A room temperature IQ."
"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
"A gross ignoramus---144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
"A prime candidate for natural deselection."
"Bright as Alaska in December."
"One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests."
"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
"Fell out of the family tree."
"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
"Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
"He's so dense, light bends around him."
"If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate."
"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
"Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes."
"Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby."
"Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
"Not the sharpest knife in the drawer."
"Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching."
"A room temperature IQ."
"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
"A gross ignoramus---144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
"A prime candidate for natural deselection."
"Bright as Alaska in December."
"One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests."
"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
"Fell out of the family tree."
"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
"Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
"He's so dense, light bends around him."
"If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate."
"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
"Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes."
"Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby."
"Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
How far to the town?
A unit of
soldiers was marching a long dusty march across the rolling prairie. It was a
hot blistering day and the men, longing for water and rest, were impatient to
reach the next town.
A rancher rode past.
"Say, friend", called out one of the men, "how far is it to the next town?"
"Oh, a matter of two miles or so, I reckon," called back the rancher. Another long hour dragged by, and another rancher was encountered.
"How far to the next town?" the men asked him eagerly.
"Oh, a good two miles."
A nearly half hour longer of marching, and then a third rancher. "Hey, how far's the next town?"
"Not far," was the encouraging answer, "only about two miles."
"Well," sighed the optimistic sergeant, "thank God, we're holding our own, anyhow!"
A rancher rode past.
"Say, friend", called out one of the men, "how far is it to the next town?"
"Oh, a matter of two miles or so, I reckon," called back the rancher. Another long hour dragged by, and another rancher was encountered.
"How far to the next town?" the men asked him eagerly.
"Oh, a good two miles."
A nearly half hour longer of marching, and then a third rancher. "Hey, how far's the next town?"
"Not far," was the encouraging answer, "only about two miles."
"Well," sighed the optimistic sergeant, "thank God, we're holding our own, anyhow!"
Flying near Athens
As the plane was
flying low over some hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess:
"What's that stuff on those hills?"
"Just snow," replied the stewardess.
"That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece."
"Just snow," replied the stewardess.
"That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece."
New chemical warfare
An instructor in
chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for
water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
Painting shows it all
At an exhibition
of military painting a visitor was admiring a picture.
"What a great realist that painter is!" he exclaimed.
"What painter?"
"The one that painted this picture 'Soldiers at Work'."
"Yes, hut something is wrong there. Those soldiers aren't working at all!"
"That is just the greatest stroke of realism in the picture!"
"What a great realist that painter is!" he exclaimed.
"What painter?"
"The one that painted this picture 'Soldiers at Work'."
"Yes, hut something is wrong there. Those soldiers aren't working at all!"
"That is just the greatest stroke of realism in the picture!"
Choose a punishment
Private Loyds
was brought up before the unit CO for some offence.
"You can take your choice, private - one month's restriction or twenty day's pay," said the officer.
"All right, sir," said the bright soldier, "I'll take the money."
"You can take your choice, private - one month's restriction or twenty day's pay," said the officer.
"All right, sir," said the bright soldier, "I'll take the money."
Tribute to the Marines
A tribute to the
United
States Marine Corps and the reasons why they are superior to the many
organizations of the world . . .
* United States Marine Corps Birthday: 10 NOVEMBER 1775 *
1) Best haircut. Hands down. You can't have a bad hair day with a high and tight. And you spend less on shampoo.
2) Dress blues. They're the coolest uniforms in any military worldwide.
3) Bloused trousers. Another distinctive Marine look that sets the proudest service members apart.
4) The rest of the Marine sea bag. From the Alphas to the camouflage utilities, uniforms just look better on a Marine than any other service member.
5) Marines don't wear dungarees.
6) Most respect I. When the Marines pulled out of Haiti and Somalia, the media reported the U.S. military was pulling out -- as if tens of thousands of Army troops weren't still in the country. Now that's respect.
7) Most respect II. When the Corps came back to Haiti after 60 years, an old man on the Cap-Haitien beach said ``Welcome back!''
8) Toughest mascot. The Marine Corps' is a bulldog. The Navy's: a goat.
9) Esprit de Corps. Even if you can't spell it or pronounce it, the Marine Corps has it in spades. One example: When sailors get tattoos, they do it to express their individuality, and their choices range from Betty Boop and Mickey Mouse to raging sea serpents. When Marines get tattoos, they do it to express their solidarity, and choose bull dogs, ``death before dishonor,'' and ``USMC.''
10) Best war monument: Iwo Jima
11) The Marines invade, then go home. The Army has to do the occupying.
12) The silent drill team. Just watching them ply their trade makes you want to wear dress blues.
13) Status. Sailors live and work on ships. Marines go for cruises -- then hit the shore.
14) Best fast attack vehicles: LAVs.
15) Best fighting knife: Ka-Bar.
16) Best duty assignments: Okinawa, Kaneohe Bay, Camp Pendleton, Diego Garcia, Moscow, North Carolina. Plus any ship at sea.
17) Worst duty assignments: Okinawa, Kaneohe Bay, Camp Pendleton, Diego Garcia, Moscow, North Carolina. Plus any ship at sea.
18) Most exotic duty assignments: Kuala Lumpur, The White House.
19) Best phone number. Call 1-800-MARINES and you've got the Corps. And if you're a civilian with the character to be a Marine, a recruiter there will be happy to sign you up.
20) Toughest DI's. (Drill Instructors). They're so tough that when the Navy wants to train its officers, who do they call? 1-800-MARINES.
21) Toughest boot camp. When San Diego was still training Navy recruits, legend has it that recruits occasionally would jump the fence and accidentally land in Marine boot camp. The Marines would keep them a couple of days, and when the recruits were sent back, they were ready to be sailors!
22) Best motivational cries: Ooh-rah! - Attack! - Kill!
23) Best emblem: Eagle, Globe and Anchor. (Air, Land and Sea)
24) Best campaign covers: The Smokey Bear hat.
25) Separate heads for enlisted and officers. Everywhere else, officers and enlisted use the same pot.
26) The only official, congressionally sanctioned hymn for any of the services: ``The Marines' Hymn.''
* United States Marine Corps Birthday: 10 NOVEMBER 1775 *
1) Best haircut. Hands down. You can't have a bad hair day with a high and tight. And you spend less on shampoo.
2) Dress blues. They're the coolest uniforms in any military worldwide.
3) Bloused trousers. Another distinctive Marine look that sets the proudest service members apart.
4) The rest of the Marine sea bag. From the Alphas to the camouflage utilities, uniforms just look better on a Marine than any other service member.
5) Marines don't wear dungarees.
6) Most respect I. When the Marines pulled out of Haiti and Somalia, the media reported the U.S. military was pulling out -- as if tens of thousands of Army troops weren't still in the country. Now that's respect.
7) Most respect II. When the Corps came back to Haiti after 60 years, an old man on the Cap-Haitien beach said ``Welcome back!''
8) Toughest mascot. The Marine Corps' is a bulldog. The Navy's: a goat.
9) Esprit de Corps. Even if you can't spell it or pronounce it, the Marine Corps has it in spades. One example: When sailors get tattoos, they do it to express their individuality, and their choices range from Betty Boop and Mickey Mouse to raging sea serpents. When Marines get tattoos, they do it to express their solidarity, and choose bull dogs, ``death before dishonor,'' and ``USMC.''
10) Best war monument: Iwo Jima
11) The Marines invade, then go home. The Army has to do the occupying.
12) The silent drill team. Just watching them ply their trade makes you want to wear dress blues.
13) Status. Sailors live and work on ships. Marines go for cruises -- then hit the shore.
14) Best fast attack vehicles: LAVs.
15) Best fighting knife: Ka-Bar.
16) Best duty assignments: Okinawa, Kaneohe Bay, Camp Pendleton, Diego Garcia, Moscow, North Carolina. Plus any ship at sea.
17) Worst duty assignments: Okinawa, Kaneohe Bay, Camp Pendleton, Diego Garcia, Moscow, North Carolina. Plus any ship at sea.
18) Most exotic duty assignments: Kuala Lumpur, The White House.
19) Best phone number. Call 1-800-MARINES and you've got the Corps. And if you're a civilian with the character to be a Marine, a recruiter there will be happy to sign you up.
20) Toughest DI's. (Drill Instructors). They're so tough that when the Navy wants to train its officers, who do they call? 1-800-MARINES.
21) Toughest boot camp. When San Diego was still training Navy recruits, legend has it that recruits occasionally would jump the fence and accidentally land in Marine boot camp. The Marines would keep them a couple of days, and when the recruits were sent back, they were ready to be sailors!
22) Best motivational cries: Ooh-rah! - Attack! - Kill!
23) Best emblem: Eagle, Globe and Anchor. (Air, Land and Sea)
24) Best campaign covers: The Smokey Bear hat.
25) Separate heads for enlisted and officers. Everywhere else, officers and enlisted use the same pot.
26) The only official, congressionally sanctioned hymn for any of the services: ``The Marines' Hymn.''
