Job Applicant Code

What job applicants really mean on their applications and resumes and in employment interviews

"I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:" I'm usually on Prozac.

When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

"I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION &ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:" I talk too much and like to tell otherpeople what to do.

"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:" I'veused Microsoft Office.

"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:" I pilfer office supplies.

"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:" I hope you don't ask
me about all the McJobs I've had.

"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:" I blame others for my mistakes.

"I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED:" I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.

"I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR:" I know a lot of corny, old jokesand I tell them badly.

"I'M PERSONABLE:" I give lots of unsolicited persona advice to co-workers.

"I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:" As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.

"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:" I carry a Day-Timer.

"MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:" You're probably looking for someone more experienced.

"I AM ADAPTABLE:" I've changed jobs a lot.

"I AM ON THE GO:" I'm never at my desk.

"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:" The minute I find a better job.
I'm outta there.

"I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:" I'm a college drop-out.

"I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS:" I've been accused of
sexual harassment.

"THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:" Wait! Don't throw me away!

"I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:" Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

On The Job Wisdom

1. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company
someday.

2. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to
budget cuts.

3. Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.

4. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings -- they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

5. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

6. If at first you don't succeed--try management.

7. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

8. Never quit until you have another job.

9. Hang in there: Retirement is only 30 years away!

10. Go the extra mile--It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

11. Pride, commitment, teamwork--words we use to get you to work for free.

12. Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.

13. There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore.

Eight signs you have nothing to do at work

1.You've already read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar

2.You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis.

3.You've figured out a way to get Gilligan off the island. 

4.You decide to see how many Mountain Dews you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs. 

5.People come into your office only to borrow pencils from your ceiling. 

6.No longer content with merely photocopying your butt, you now scan and enhance it with Photoshop. 

7.You now require only a single can of cola to belch the names of all seven Dwarfs.

8.The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements.

Office Dares

ONE-POINT OFFICE DARES 

1. Run one lap around the office at top speed. 

2. Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other non-player must be in the bathroom at the time).

3. Ignore the first five people who say "good morning" to you.

4. Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your nameand say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye". 

5. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace. 

6. When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"

7. Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way."

8. Walk sideways to the photocopier. 

9. While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open. 

THREE-POINT OFFICE DARES 

1. Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers. 

2. Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did youget all that, I don't want to have to repeat it."

3. Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice). 

4.Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from thenozzle (there must be a "non-player" within sight). 

5. Shout random numbers while someone is counting. 

FIVE POINT OFFICE DARES 

1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would benice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself). 

2. Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watchyou with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times. 

3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob."

4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two."

5. After every sentence, say "mon" in a really bad Jamaican accent, i.e., "the report's on your desk, mon." Keep this up for one hour.

6. While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.

7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"

8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again."

9. In a colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights?"

10. Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"

11. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

12. Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."

13. Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during  a very important conference call.\

14. Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

You Know You Work in Corporate America If:

You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies. 

Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.

Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket. 

The company logo on your badge is drawn on a post-it note. 

When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie. 

You get really excited about a 2% pay raise. 

You learn about your layoff on CNN. 

Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes. 

Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job. 

You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined. 

You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive. 

It's dark when you drive to and from work. 

Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else. 

"Communication" is something your group is having problems with. 

You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor. 

Free food left over from meetings is your main staple. 

Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home. 

Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital. 

Art involves a white board. 

You're already late on the assignment you just got. 

When 100% of your time means 20 hours. 

You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!" 

Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes", "in your spare time", "when you're freed up", and "I have an opportunity for you." 

Vacation is something you roll over to next year or a check you get every January. 

Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers". 

Change is the norm. Nepotism is encouraged. 

The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are hanging in your cube. 

You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting. 

You read this entire list and understood it.

Company buzz words

New Corporate Buzz Words for the 90's 

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed
or a project failed, and who was responsible. 

Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on
anyone who doesn't work out obsessively. 

Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, and then
leaves. 

Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee
headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands. 

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles. 

Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running. 

Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. 

Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm,
and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. 

SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children,Oppressive Mortgage. 

Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite. 

Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no
kids, no property, and no regrets. 

Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. 

Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the
magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. 

Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their
jobs. "We had three serious students in class; the rest were just tourists." 

Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material. 

Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace. 

Going Postal: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes
reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages. 

Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office
or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the Alpha Geek around here. 

Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and
advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard. 

Chips and Salsa: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta
figure out if the problem is in your chips or your salsa." 

Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave
a company or department soon. 

GOOD job: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to
pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you
find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime
example. 

Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of attacking an electronic device to get
it to work again.

Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a Vice
President at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an
uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator forassistance." See also Decruitment. 

Vulcan Nerve Pinch: The taxing hand positions required to reach all the
appropriate keys for commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II
computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control Key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

Romantic Pink Slip

Dear __________________________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further
contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was
exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also
failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an
opening come available. So that you may find better success in your future
romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were
disqualified from the competition: (Check those that apply)

__ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it,
or subjecting my children to it.

__ Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture
myself yelling out in a fit of passion.

__ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald's
reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.

__ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload"
indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my
personality.

__ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20
questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

__ Your breasts are bigger than mine.

__ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you
can't GET into my pants.

__ You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up
repeatedly at recess. AMEN!

__ You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to
kiss you.

__ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent
slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

__ Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms
a little disconcerting.

__ Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you
are some sort of psychotic stalker.

__ Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a
long term partner.

__ Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however,
happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your
application.

__ The fact that you categorize the ProBowler's Tour as 'Must
See TV' demonstrated that you do not meet my intelligence requirements.

__ Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your overnight bag were
really necessary for a successful business trip.

__ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,

The Future - As Seen In 1960 

 

1. "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20."

2. "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5000 will only buy a used one."

3. "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

4. "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging dime just to mail a letter?"

5. "The Government is wanting to get its hands on everything. Pretty soon it's going to be impossible to run a family business or farm."

6. "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

7. "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 30 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."

8. "Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."

9. "Also, their music drives me wild. This 'Rock Around The Clock' thing is nothing but racket."

10. "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in Gone With The Wind, it seems every movie has a 'hell' or 'damn' in it."

11. "Also, it won't be long until couples are sleeping in the same bed in the movies. What is this world coming to?"

12. "Marilyn Monroe is now showing her bra and panties, so apparently there are no standards anymore."

13. "Pretty soon you won't be able to buy a good 10 cent cigar."

14. "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

15. "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."

16. "Do you suppose television will ever reach our part of the country?"

17. "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."

18. "It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."

19. "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."

20. "Marriage doesn't mean a thing anymore. Those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."

21. "I'll tell you one thing. If my kids ever talk back to me, they won't be able to sit down for a week."

22. "Did you know the new church in town is allowing women to wear slacks to their service?"

23. "Next thing you know is, the government will start paying us not to grow crops."

24. "I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."

25. "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."

26. "Why in the world would you want to send your daughter to college? Isn't she going to get married? It would be different if she could be a doctor or a lawyer."

27. "I just hate to see the young people smoking. As I tell my kids, "Don't take a cigarette from ANYONE. You never know what might be in it."

28. "The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."

29. "There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."

30. "Anymore, no one can afford to be sick, $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."

31. "If a few idiots want to risk their necks flying across the country that's fine, but nothing will ever replace trains."

32. "I don't know about you but if they raise the price of coffee to 15 cents, I'll just have to drink mine at home."

33. "If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it. I'll have my wife learn to cut hair."

34. "We won't be going out much anymore. Our baby sitter informed us she wants 50 cents an hour. These kids think money grows on trees."

35. "Cars which dim their lights by sensors, automatic transmissions, and who knows what else? Pretty soon they will drive themselves."

 

Employee evaluations

               Quotes taken from actual employee evaluations: 

1.      "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

2.     "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3.     "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."

4. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts, the better."

Engineering Phrases (And what they really mean)

Customer satisfaction is believed to be assured. (We're so far behind schedule that the customer will settle for anything.)

Please see me / Let's discuss it. (I need your help. I've screwed up again.)

The project is in process. (It's so tied up in red tape that it's completely hopeless.)

We're trying a number of different approaches. (We're still guessing, at this point.)

Close project coordination. (We met together and had coffee.)

Years of development. (It finally worked.)

Energy saving. (Turn off the power to save electricity.)

We'll have to abandon the entire concept. (The only person who understood the thing just quit.)

We had a major technological breakthrough. (It's boring, but it looks high tech.)

We're preparing a report with a fresh approach. (We just hired a couple of kids out of college.)

Preliminary operational tests proved inconclusive. (It blew up when we flipped the switch.)

Test results proved extremely gratifying. (Yahoo! It actually worked.)

Tell us what you are thinking. (We'll listen, but if it disagrees with what we've already done or are planning to do, forget it.)

No maintenance. (If it breaks, we can't fix it.)

Low maintenance. (If it breaks, we're not likely able to fix it.)

All new. (None of the parts are interchangeable with the previous design.)

Rugged. (Needs major equipment to lift it.)

Robust. (More than rugged.)

Light weight. (A little less than rugged.)

Fax it to me. (I'm too lazy to write it down.)

Top 10 Signs You're Burned Out

1.You're so tired you now answer the phone "hell"

2.Your best friend calls to ask how you've been and you immediately scream
"Get off by back, WITCH!"

3.Your garbage can is your "IN" box

4.You wake up to discover that your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care

5.You have so much on your mind that you've forgotten how to pee

6.Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday

7.You sleep more at work than you do at home

8.You leave for a party and instinctively bring your briefcase

9.Your day-timer exploded a week ago

10.You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now

Work Thoughts

Things You'd Love to Say at Work, But Can't...

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted

Rules For Work

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring
it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to
inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising
me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a
chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the
door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors
with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use
of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority.
I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere
to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in
conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to managers' hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

Twenty Management Styles

1) MANAGING BY WALKING FASTER THAN THE EMPLOYEES These kind of managers youwill always see in the corridor, ten steps away. "We'll have to talk" you canhear them say, just as they have disappeared around the corner.

2) MANAGING BY STARING OUT OF THE WINDOW These managers you usually meet withtheir backside faced to you with their hands in their pockets. When you talk tothem, their thoughts keep staring out of the windows. 

3) MANAGING BY POST-ITS® Some managers forget everything. They want to impress you with their 'busy'ness by continuously writing on Post-Its® while you are talking. 

4) MANAGING BY DELEGATION TO THE SECRETARY These managers just delegate everything to the secretary. 

5) MANAGING BY KNOWING NOTHING These managers don't really know anything at all. They let YOU give answers. Meanwhile they fill the time with irrelevant anecdotes. 

6) MANAGING BY CONCEPTUAL THINKING These people try to explain the presentfrom a theoretical view of the far future. The idea that this never will work,completely satisfies them. They will always have something to talk about. 

7) MANAGING BY HIDING INFORMATION Information hiders are aware of the marketvalue of strictly secret kept information. You must be very thankful to get any information at all. 

8) MANAGING BY DOING EXACTLY WHAT THE BOSS SAYS These managers prevent theirbosses from creative thinking. Else they have more work to do. 

9) MANAGING BY WALKING ONE FOOT BEHIND THE BOSS In hierarchical organizations you can watch those groups walking in the corridor. The more equal managers are directly followed by the lesser equal managers, and so on. 

10) MANAGING BY SMILING AND WEARING NICE SUITS If you drink beer with them,lunch with them, smile to them and also wear nice suits, nothing can stop your carreer anymore. 

11) MANAGING BY STUDYING Despite their continual attendances of all kind of studies and congresses, they still belong to category 5. The longer they learn,
the further they get from the practice. 

12) MANAGING BY CREATING VAGUE OVERHEAD SHEETS Do you know them? Those sheets with some big arrows,boxes or circles? These sheets provide the ultimate proof of their overall brilliance. 

13) MANAGING BY OPEN DOOR AND EMPTY ROOM This is a major improvement of the older 'OPEN DOOR' management style. Now you can really walk in and out anytime you want. Nobody ever knows where these managers are. 

14) MANAGING BY SPEAKING WITH OTHER MANAGERS This kind of managing is very popular. It will give them within a few hours the same information as an employee can tell them in 15 minutes. 

15) MANAGING BY HAVING A NON SUPPORTING INFRASTRUCTURE In an organization with a hopeless infrastructure, managers are really necessary. These managers will naturally prevent the organization from having a better infrastructure. 

16) BUA MANAGEMENT ( BY USING ABBREVIATIONS ) This management style is ATRASACWOC ( Adopted To Reach A Shorter And Clearer Way Of Communication ). 

17) MANAGING BY USING BUZZ WORDS These managers like to bluff your head off with hip, nearly undefined, terms. 

18) MANAGING BY REORGANIZATION If they think there is nothing more to organize, they reorganize. 

19) MANAGING BY BELIEVING These managers must be spiritual educated, because they have no clues at all. 

20) MANAGING BY FORGETTING PROMISES If you remind them to one of their promises, the priority of that promise is too low to remember.

 

Job Placement

 

Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to
jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement. 

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room
with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any
instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing. 

If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering. 

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Accounting. 

If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing. 

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel are a good spot for them. 

If they are sleeping, they are Management material. 

If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs. 

If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing. 

And if they've left early, put them in Sales.

McDonalds Job Application

This is an actual job application!

NAME: Greg Bulmash 

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. 

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes. 

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. 

SALARY: Less than I'm worth. 

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. 

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. 

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. 

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. 

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. 

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? 

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" 

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. 

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire. 

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the
Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. 

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BESTOF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

Top 15 Signs Your Company is Planning a Layoff

15. CEO frequently overheard mumbling, "Eeny-Meeny-Miney-Moe." 

14. Dr. Kervorkian hired as "Transition Consultant." 

13. Windows 95 shutdown screen reads, "It's Now Safe to Start Looking for Work." 

12. Company softball team down-sized to chess team. 

11. Sudden proliferation of teen-age geek interns. 

10. Your boss keeps asking you when he can "show your cubicle." 

9. Company president now driving a Hyundai. 

8. Annual company holiday bash moved from Sheraton banquet room to abandoned Fotomat booth. 

7. Old Milwaukee is beer of choice at company picnics. 

6. Guard at front desk nervously fingers his revolver whenever you pass by. 

5. Giant yard sale in front of corporate headquarters. 

4. Babes in Marketing suddenly start flirting with dorky personnel manager. 

3. Employee Discount Days discontinued at Ammo Outlet. 

2. Company dental plan now consists of pliers and string. 

1. President begins weekly meetings, "Good morning, you ignorant bastards."

Pregnancy FAQ

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, generally 35 children are enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidermal?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Results of recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex

The 1st kind of sex is called Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called Religious Sex. Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

The 7th kind of sex is called Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

Doctors In Translation

Doctor: "This should be taken care of right away."
Translation: "I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself."

Doctor: "Let me check your medical history."
Translation: "I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you."

Doctor: "We have some good news and some bad news."
Translation: "The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it."

Doctor: "Let me schedule you for some tests."
Translation: "I have a forty percent interest in the lab."

Doctor: "I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
Translation: "I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig."

Doctor: "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
Translation: "I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself."

Doctor: "I'd like to run some more tests."
Translation: "I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve it."