You Know You Work in Corporate America If:

You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies. 

Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.

Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket. 

The company logo on your badge is drawn on a post-it note. 

When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie. 

You get really excited about a 2% pay raise. 

You learn about your layoff on CNN. 

Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes. 

Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job. 

You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined. 

You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive. 

It's dark when you drive to and from work. 

Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else. 

"Communication" is something your group is having problems with. 

You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor. 

Free food left over from meetings is your main staple. 

Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home. 

Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital. 

Art involves a white board. 

You're already late on the assignment you just got. 

When 100% of your time means 20 hours. 

You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!" 

Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes", "in your spare time", "when you're freed up", and "I have an opportunity for you." 

Vacation is something you roll over to next year or a check you get every January. 

Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers". 

Change is the norm. Nepotism is encouraged. 

The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are hanging in your cube. 

You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting. 

You read this entire list and understood it.

Company buzz words

New Corporate Buzz Words for the 90's 

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed
or a project failed, and who was responsible. 

Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on
anyone who doesn't work out obsessively. 

Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, and then
leaves. 

Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee
headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands. 

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles. 

Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running. 

Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. 

Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm,
and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. 

SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children,Oppressive Mortgage. 

Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite. 

Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no
kids, no property, and no regrets. 

Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. 

Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the
magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. 

Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their
jobs. "We had three serious students in class; the rest were just tourists." 

Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material. 

Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace. 

Going Postal: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes
reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages. 

Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office
or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the Alpha Geek around here. 

Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and
advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard. 

Chips and Salsa: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta
figure out if the problem is in your chips or your salsa." 

Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave
a company or department soon. 

GOOD job: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to
pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you
find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime
example. 

Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of attacking an electronic device to get
it to work again.

Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a Vice
President at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an
uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator forassistance." See also Decruitment. 

Vulcan Nerve Pinch: The taxing hand positions required to reach all the
appropriate keys for commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II
computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control Key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

Romantic Pink Slip

Dear __________________________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further
contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was
exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also
failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an
opening come available. So that you may find better success in your future
romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were
disqualified from the competition: (Check those that apply)

__ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it,
or subjecting my children to it.

__ Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture
myself yelling out in a fit of passion.

__ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald's
reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.

__ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload"
indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my
personality.

__ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20
questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

__ Your breasts are bigger than mine.

__ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you
can't GET into my pants.

__ You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up
repeatedly at recess. AMEN!

__ You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to
kiss you.

__ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent
slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

__ Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms
a little disconcerting.

__ Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you
are some sort of psychotic stalker.

__ Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a
long term partner.

__ Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however,
happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your
application.

__ The fact that you categorize the ProBowler's Tour as 'Must
See TV' demonstrated that you do not meet my intelligence requirements.

__ Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your overnight bag were
really necessary for a successful business trip.

__ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,

Women's Language

.

A must-read for all men.
Keywords and their meanings: 

FINE:
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel
we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to
describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of
those arguments. 

FIVE MINUTES:
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that
your football game is going to last before you take out the
trash, so it's an even trade. 

NOTHING:
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing"
is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting
to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing"
usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and
end with a huffy "Fine." 

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare, one that will result in my getting upset over
"Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine." 

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows):
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't
care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few
minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to
you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. 

(LOUD SIGH):
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal
statement very misunderstood by men.
A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment
and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you over "Nothing." 

(SOFT SIGH):
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one
of the few things that some men actually understand. She is
content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will
stay content. 

OH!:
This exclamation, followed by any statement, is trouble.
Example:
"Oh, let me get that." Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you
were doing last night."
If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the
nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is
done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her
to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a
sentence usually signifies that you are
caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you
will get raised eyebrows and "Go ahead" followed by acts so
unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them. 

THAT'S OK:
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can
say to a man. "That's OK" means that she wants to think long and
hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you
have done.
"That's OK" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in
conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead." At some point in
the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going
to be in some mighty big trouble. 

PLEASE DO:
This is not a statement; it is an offer. A woman is giving you
the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have
for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair
chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a
"That's OK." 

THANKS:
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say, "You're
welcome." 

THANKS A LOT:
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks
A LOT," when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that
you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by
the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the
"Loud Sigh," as she will only
say "Nothing."
I hope this clears up any misunderstandings...

Dumb Pick up lines

All those curves, and me with no brakes. 

Are your legs tired? You've been running through my mind all day long. 

Bond. James Bond. 

Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call my mom and tell I just met the girl of my dreams. 

Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call your mother and thank her. 

Can I buy you a car? 

Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

Can I flirt with you? 

Can I have directions to your heart? 

Can I have your phone number? I seem to have lost mine. 

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? 

Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams. 

Do you know what'd look good on you? Me. 

Do you like apples? How about I take you home and screw the hell out of you, how'd you like them apples? 

Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I? 

Do you take it up the ass? 

Do you want to go out for a pizza and a screw? What, don't you like pizza? 

Forget that. Playing doctor is for kids. Let's play gynecologist.

Hi, do you know why you should masturbate with these two fingers? Because they're mine. 

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock. 

Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go screw 

Screw me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me? 

Screw me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?

Sex is a killer, so do you want to die happy? 

That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too. 

Want to screw like bunnies? 

I think we must make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels now.

What Women Say & What They Mean

Can't we just be friends?

There is no way in hell I am going to let any part of your bodytouch mine, again.

I just need some space...without you in it.

Can you help me with my homework?

If I keep whining, the fool will do it for me.

Do I look fat in this dress?

We haven't had a fight in a whlile.

No, pizza's fine.

Cheap bastard.

I just don't want a boyfriend now

I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.

I don't know; what do you want?

I can't believe you don't have anything planned.

Come here

My puppy does this too.

I like you but...

I don't like you.

You never listen.

You never listen.

We're moving too quickly

I am not going to sleep with you until I find out if the guy with the convertible has a g/f.

I'll be ready in a minute.

I AM ready, but I am going to make you wait because I know you will.

Oh, no, I will pay for myself.

I am just being nice; there is no way I am going dutch.

Oh Yes! Right there.

Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.

I'm just going out with the girls.

We are gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.

There's no one else.

I am doing your brother.

Size doesn't count...

...unless I want an orgasm.

You are so nice!

You are such a wimp I could never be sexually attracted to you.

Do you love me?

Do you love me more than my husband?

Oh, these flowers are beautiful.

Can I help you spell J-E-W-E-L-R-Y?

What did you do today?

You better have a damn good reason for not calling.

We should pick it out together.

I'll choose.

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement of ten misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true!!!

Elderly/Dementia Jokes

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME

 An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:  "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!
" she cried.  The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
"Disregard," he says.  She got in the back-seat by mistake."

____________ _________ _________ _______

FAMILY

      Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.  One night the 96 year old draws a bath.  She puts her foot in and pauses.  She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."  She starts up the stairs and pauses ... "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood."  She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
       ____________ _________ _________ _______

"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

      Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.  One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"  "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."  And the third man chimed in, "So am I.  Let's have a beer."

       ____________ _________ _________ _______

SUPERSEX

       A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.  As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex.."

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

       ____________ _________ _________ _______

ROMANCE

      An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."  Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
       
Thirty  seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."  Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"

      ____________ _________ _________ _______

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER

       80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.  She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
      ____________ _________ _________ _______

SENIOR DRIVING

       As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.  Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car.  It's hundreds of them!"
 _____________________ _________ _______

DRIVING

      Two elderly women were out driving in a large car both could  barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.  The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it.  I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.

Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.  She was getting nervous.  At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.

So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row?  You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"          
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