IT IS ALWAYS ABOUT MANS

Dumb Men Jokes

1. What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women.

2. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. . . . . men will screw anything.

3. How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.

4. Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

5. What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.

6. How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
He's breathing.

7. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.

8. What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the the neck up.

9. How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?

10. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
No one knows . . . . . . It's never been done.

11. How are men and parking spaces alike?
The good ones are already taken and the ones left are handicapped.

12. What is a man's idea of helping you with housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

13. What is the difference between men and E.T.?
E.T. called home.

14. What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.

15. Do you know why there's a hole in a man's penis?
So he can get air to his brain.

16. How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

17. How is a man like linoleum?
If you lay him right the first time, you can walk all over him for the next twenty years.

Why Some Men Prefer Dating Bimbo's

10. Much easier to prove that you're superior.

9. Less likely to interrupt you with thoughts or opinions of their own.

8. Won't want you to cancel your plans to watch nude Jell-O wrestling to go see "Phantom of the Opera."

7. More impressed by the thickness of your wallet--even though it's stuffed with condoms instead of money.

6. Will let you send intimate pictures of them to Beaver Hunt.

5. They won't object to demeaning comments you make about them in front of 'the guys.'

4. They actually believe you when you say, "I love you for your mind and personality -- now please finish putting on that French maid outfit.

3. Don't understand computers well enough to access your files and read what you've been saying about them.

2. Their ability to comprehend spatial relationships is so poor that they really do believe your definition of eight inches.

1. They will put up with you.

Tough Questions for Men

Here are answers to 5 of the toughest questions women ask men.

1 - "What are you thinking?"

2 - "Do you love me?"

3 - "Do I look fat?"

4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"

5 - "What would you do if I died?"


What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:

1 - "What are you thinking?"
The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you."

Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a - Baseball
b - Football
c - How fat you are
d - How much prettier she is than you
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."

The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:

2 - "Do you love me?"
The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear."

Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?


3 - "Do I look fat?"
The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room.

Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.


4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?"
The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier."

Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.


5 - "What would you do if I died?"
Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way."
This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid exchange:

"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"

"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"

"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.

"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.

"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.

"Of course I do, dear" he said.

"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."

"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.

"Yes" said the husband.

"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.

"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.

"I see," said the wife indignantly.

"And would you let her wear my old clothes?"

"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.

"Really," said the wife icily.

"And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"

"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."

"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet.

"And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."

"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed..."

Stupid Men Jokes

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds Mature.

What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.

Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?

Why do men want to mary virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

I went to the County Fair. They had one of those "Believe it or not?" Shows. They had a man born with a penis and a brain.

What do you have whan you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.

What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1.No mind.
2.No business.

How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.

Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover?
He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal.

Why are men like laxatives?
They irritate the shit out of you.

What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.

Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.

If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in convienience stores and drive through windows.

Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.

Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.

Why do men like masturbation?
It's sex with someone they love.

How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
Two ways to cross a river.

What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.

Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?

What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.

What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.

How do men sort their laundry?
"Fifthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.

Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Two guys were strolling down the street when one guy exclaimed, "how sad - a dead bird." The other man looked up and said, "where?"

Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom?
To keep the swellin down.

Qualifying for Heaven

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.

"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

Is the wife in control?

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."

Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.

God got mad and said. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him!" Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?

The man said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."

Assign the punishment

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies circled her.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.

Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:

"Cindy, you have sinned."

New Yorkers arrived

One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a New York street gang.

walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God and said, "God,

there are some evil, thieving New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?".

God replied, "Just do what you normally do with that type. Re-direct them down to hell."

St. Peter went back to carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes running back yelling "God, God, they're gone, they're gone!"

"Who, the New Yorkers?".

"No, the Pearly Gates."

Entering into Heaven

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?"

The man says, "Methodist."

St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?"

"Baptist."

"Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?"

"Jewish."

"Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"

St. Peter tells him, "Well the Jehovah's Witnesses are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here.

Making comparisons

In Heaven:

1.     The cooks are French,

2.     The policemen are English,

3.     The mechanics are German,

4.     The lovers are Italian,

5.     The bankers are Swiss.

In Hell:

1.     The cooks are English,

2.     The policemen are German,

3.     The mechanics are French,

4.     The lovers are Swiss,

5.     The bankers are Italian.

In Computer Heaven:

1.     The management is from Intel,

2.     The design and construction is done by Apple,

3.     The marketing is done by Microsoft,

4.     IBM provides the support,

5.     Gateway determines the pricing.

In Computer Hell:

1.     The management is from Apple,

2.     Microsoft does design and construction,

3.     IBM handles the marketing,

4.     The support is from Gateway,

5.     Intel sets the price.

 

Bring riches with you

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"

Fulfilling their requests

There were 3 men who died and before God would let them into heaven, he gave them a chance to come back as anything they wanted.

The first guy said " I want to come back as myself, but 100 times smarter. So God made him 100 times smarter.

The second guy said "I want to be better than that guy, make me 1000 times smarter. So God made him 1000 times smarter.

The last guy decided he would be the best. So he said "God, make me better than both of them, make me 1,000,000 times smarter.

So God made him a woman !!

Filling in for St. Peter

A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper: 'Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?'

'Yes,' the professor ansvered. 'When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not se it so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now.'

'Well,' said the gatekeeper. 'That is a very minor sin. You may enter.'

'Thank you very much, Saint Peter,' the professor ansvered.

'Im am not Saint Peter,' said the gatekeeper. 'He is having his lunchbreak. I am Saint Lucas.

He's going to Heaven

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

Pick Heaven or Hell

One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St.Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in." said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good- bye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said.

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and Filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're staff."

FOR A LAST TIME BACK TO BAR TODAY

Top ten signs that you are too drunk

10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.

9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

6. You can focus better with one eye closed.

5. You fall off the floor.

5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.

4. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.

3. Roseanne looks good.

2. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.

1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.

A drunk orders himself a beer

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.

The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

The wife is not speaking to me

A construction worker walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing guy. He orders a beer, chugs it back, and bellows, "All you guys on this side of the bar are a bunch of idiots!" A sudden silence descends.

After a moment he asks "Anyone got a problem with that?" The silence lengthens.

He then chugs back another beer and growls, "And all you guys on the other side of the bar are all scum!" Once again, the bar is silent.

He looks around belligerently and roars, "Anyone got a problem with that?" A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man.

"You got a problem, buddy?"

"Oh no; I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."

Who keeps saying those things?

A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively "You've got great hair!" The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.

A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.

When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on.

The bartender said "Oh, it's the nuts--they're complimentary."

Someone stole things from me

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the radio, and even the accelerator," he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

I think I'll try a nicer approach

Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night.

He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all.

The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways."

The wife thought that might be a good idea.

That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition.

His wife heard him at the door, and quickly went to it, and opened the door, and let Harry in.

This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed, now, don't you think?"

At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll be getting in trouble with the stupid wife when I get home anyway!"

Bad luck finding a place to hide

A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight." The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another one." The bartender pours the drink, but says, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?"

So, the man begins his tale. "Well, I was sitting in the bar next door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me at the bar. I thought, "Wow, this has never happened before." You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, the blonde leans over and asks if I'd like to come back to her hotel to have dinner and talk for a while. I couldn't believe this was happening, and I hadn't had a good meal in quite a while. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. This seemed just too good to be true."

He continued, "She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her room. She said to relax, watch some TV, and that she would be ready to go down to the restaurant in a few minutes. But, as soon as I put my feet up and reclined my chair, I heard some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the door."

"The blonde says, 'Oh my god, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight, he's gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!'"

"So, I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he's bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn't see me."

The bartender says "Well I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point."

"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out, 'Who you been with now, you witch?' The girl says, 'Nobody, honey, now calm down.'"

Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either. Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the window?' I think, 'Oh God, I'm dead meat now.'

But, the blonde by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom and I hear water running for a long time; I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head. I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!"

The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have gotten me mad for sure." "No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess. I can hardly hold onto this glass."

The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says, "Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset."

"No, that wasn't what really got me so angry though."

The bartender then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what did finally make you anger?"

"Well, I was hanging on the window, and I turned around and looked down--I was only about six inches off the ground."

I know you were drunk yesterday

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.

When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

My girlfriend is out in the car

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.

He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.

"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.

"That stupid Dave!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"

I bet I can bite both of my eyes

A man walks into a bar has a few drinks and asks what his tab was. The bartender replies that it is twenty dollars plus tip. The guy says, "I'll bet you my tab double or nothing that I can bite my eye." The bartender accepts the bet, and the guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it.

He has a few more drinks and asks for his bill again. The bartender reports that his bill now is thirty dollars plus tip. He bets the bartender he can bite his other eye. The bartender accepts knowing the man can't possibly have two glass eyes. The guy then proceeds by taking out his false teeth and biting his other eye.

This tells me that I must be drunk

A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot. The bartender is curious and askes him "every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home."

Some very common traits in two drunks

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," replies the second man.

I'm curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Kinly twins are drunk again."

The number twelve goes to a bar

A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.

"Sorry I can't serve you," states the barman.

"Why not?!" asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice.

"You're under 18," replies the barman.

MEDICAL JOKES TODAY

I have bad and very bad news

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?

Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

Did you take the patient's temperature?

Doctor: Did you take the patient's temperature?

Nurse: No. Is it missing?

We need to help these people

A doctor and a nurse were called to the scene of an accident.

Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital now!

Nurse: What is it?

Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!

I've got good and bad

This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"

Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.

Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.

Patient: That's terrible! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?

Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.

Did you ever have this before?

Doctor: Have you ever had this before?

Patient: Yes.

Doctor: Well, you've got it again!

My son swallowed the can opener

Mrs. Smith: Help me, doctor! My son, John, swallowed the can opener!

Doctor: Don't panic. He'll be alright.

Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the can of beans?! The toast is getting cold!

The bad and the worse news

A man visits the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face.

Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news.

Man: Well, give me the really bad news first.

Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live.

Man: And the bad news?

Doctor: You have Alzheimer's disease.

Man: That's great. I was afraid I had cancer!

My wife is beating me

David: My wife beats me, doctor.

Doctor: Oh dear. How often?

David: Every time we play Scrabble!

I'm gaining weight doctor

Trish: My stomach is getting awfully big, doctor.

Doctor: You should diet.

Trish: Really? What color?

We are the best of friends

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."

"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change."

Does it hurt when you do this?

Doctor: Does it hurt when you do this?

Patient: Yes.

Doctor: Well, don't do that.

What is your problem?

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

You're in great health

Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be eighty.

Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.

Doctor: See, what did I tell you.

Driving exams worry me

Liz: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests!

Doctor: Don't worry about it. You'll pass eventually.

Liz: I'm the examiner!

The Code of Ethical Behavior for Patients

1. Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort.

Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.

2. Be cheerful at all times.

Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.

3. Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated.

Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.

4. Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief.

You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.

5. Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it.

It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand.

6. Submit to novel experimental treatment readily.

Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest.

7. Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly.

You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.

8. Do not suffer from ailments that you cannot afford.

It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.

9. Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course of treatment by your doctor.

The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.

10. Never die while in your doctor's presence or under his direct care.

This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.

Problems remembering

Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember anything!

Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem?

Patient: What problem?

A variation

Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory?

Patient: What pills?

I would like to have a second opinion

A patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor to get treatment for it.

Doctor: Your tonsils gotta come out.

Patient: I wanna second opinion.

Doctor: Okay, you're ugly, too.

Think I need a pair of glasses

Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses.

Teller: You certainly do! This is a bank.

Put me into a fighting mood

Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription?

Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill.

Get me an ambulence now

A man, after being hurt, calls 911 for help.

Man: Operator, operator, call me an ambulance!

Operator: Okay, sir, you're an ambulance!

Get me an ambulence now

A man, after being hurt, calls 911 for help.

Man: Operator, operator, call me an ambulance!

Operator: Okay, sir, you're an ambulance!

Signs He Loves You

A woman writes to a magazine asking how she will know if he truly loves her...
"Well... Here's how I see it. When a man is "taken with you"- you will know. Sometimes the words, "I love you" aren't always enough. As women, we like to see words put into action... Here are some ways that you can tell if he means what he says..."

• He pretends to like your cat by no longer drop-kicking Fluffy down a flight of stairs when you're not looking.
• When you come over to visit, they start picking up -- they shove underwear under their beds, (theirs and other women's) they move the Playboy centerfold to a less frequented room and they hide dirty dishes in less conspicuous places.
• They let you see the remote control. You as a woman will never actually get to use the remote, so consider a distant viewing of it a positive sign.
• They rub your feet for 1-2 minutes before requesting a down work.
• They take one of those Cosmo quiz things without complaining. Although they will resent you for it (please make a note of it)
• They turn off the computer in order to spend more time with you. If they actually delete the forbiden mail - you can expect a proposal within weeks.
• They use "we" when they used to use "I" ("We can't go out tonight. We're giving me a down job")
• They stop making references to their ex-girlfriends ("I am in love with my ex-girlfriend", "I am stalking my ex-girlfriend" and "Gee... my ex-girlfriend sure gave me great down job!"
• They don't mind that their parents, pets and children like you better. Their friends will never like you better - they undoubtedly want to sleep with you, but they will never like you...

Marriage Is...

A best man's speech should be like a mini-skirt: short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the bare essentials.
A classified ad which read "Wife Wanted" received hundreds of responses, all from men saying "You can have mine."
A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
A husband expects his wife to be perfect... and to understand why he's not.
A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.
A son asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son. I'm still paying for it."
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A toast to the newlyweds: May your only ups and downs be between the sheets.
A wedding ring is like a tourniquet; it cuts off your circulation.
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." The friend asked, "And what was he before you married him?" The woman replied, "A multi-millionaire."
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
Always talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone handy.
As she hears the wedding march, three things are foremost in a bride's mind: aisle, altar, hymn. [I'll alter him!]
Bachelor: A guy who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.
Confucius say man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting.
I had some words with my wife and she had some paragraphs with me.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married... and then it was too late.
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
I was engaged myself once, to a contortionist. But she broke it off.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay full attention to what you have to say, talk in your sleep.
If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
In marriage, the bride gets a shower; but for the groom, it's curtains!
It doesn't matter how often a husband changes his job; he still ends up with the same boss.
It's a give-and-take marriage. He gives and she takes.
Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.
Man is incomplete until he is married. After that he is finished.
Man: Rules the roost. Woman: Rules the rooster.
Marriage is a great institution; but who wants to live in an institution?
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Marriage is an institution in which the man loses his Bachelor's degree and the woman gets her Master's.
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo....
Marriage is grand... and divorce is about 10 grand.
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
Marry not a tennis player, for love means nothing to them.
Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress.
My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, and so made sure that she would stay, in better spirits night and day.
My wife ran off with my best friend last week. Gosh, I miss him!
My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.
My wife's cooking is so bad that we pray after we eat.
She offered her honor, he honored her offer, and all night he was on her and off her.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
Some mornings I wake up grouchy... and some mornings I just let her sleep.
Thanks preacher for allowing me to have 16 wives: 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better, 4 worse!
The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.
The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein' big enough to keep his mouth shut, to step back and see where his wife is wrong.
The three stages of sex in marriage: tri-weekly; try-weekly; try-weakly
They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
Why did the polygamist cross the aisle? To get to the other bride.
Wife says, "Honey, I've had enough of worse; let's try better for a while!"

About Women

• Women especially love a bargain. The question of 'need' is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.
• Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you 'just don't understand'.
• Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.
• Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty. 
• Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.
• Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
• Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.
• Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.
• Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.
• Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.
• Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.
• Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an 'on/off' switch.
• Women think all beer is the same.
• Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.
• Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be. 
• If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.
• Women brush their hair before bed.
• Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.
• Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.
• Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, 'It's there in the Bible'. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?
• Women do not know anything about cars. 'Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?'
• Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share. 
• The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
• Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
• Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
• A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail. 
• Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
• Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don't fall asleep afterwards.
• Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'
• PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.
• The first naked man a woman sees is 'Ken'.
• Women are insecure about their weight, butt, and breast sizes. 
• Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn. 
• 'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.
• Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.
• Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.
• All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.
• If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'
• Only women understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good china'.
• Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.
• If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more trouble)
• Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they 'left the seat up' instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.
• Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.
• Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?
• Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.
• It's okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay. You don't see straight men dancing together.
• Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.
• The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, 'Oh-my-GOD, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me out of here!'

Bicycles Or Women

Why bicycles are better than Women...
Bicycles don't get pregnant.

You can ride your Bicycle any time of the month.

Bicycles don't have parents.

Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.

You can share your Bicycle with your friends.

Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you've ridden.

When riding, you and your Bicycle can arrive at the same time.

Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you have.

Bicycles don't care if you look at other Bicycles.

Bicycles don't care if you buy Bicycle magazines.

You'll never hear, "Surprise, you are going to own a new Bicycle" unless you go out to buy one yourself.

If your Bicycle goes flat you can fix it.

If your Bicycle is too loose you can tighten it.

If your Bicycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it.

You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your Bicycle.

If you say bad things to your Bicycle, you don't have to apologize before you ride it again.

You can ride your Bicycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.

You can stop riding your Bicycle as soon as you want and it won't get frustrated.

Your parents won't remain in touch with your old bicycle after you dump it.

Bicycles don't get headaches.

Bicycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider.

Your Bicycle never wants a night out with the other Bicycles.

Bicycles don't care if you're late.

You don't have to take a shower before you ride your bicycle.

If your Bicycle doesn't look good you can paint it or get better parts.

You can ride your Bicycle the first time you meet it, without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.

The only protection you have to wear when riding your Bicycle is a decent helmet.

When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had the last time you were on your Bicycle.

Men Bashing Jokes

Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the time they don't work.
Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
Q. How do men exercise on the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
A. Make him wear shoes.
Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Q. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
A. All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
A. Any place without a drive-up window.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.
Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
A. His body.
Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A. A power failure.
Q. What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.
Q. What do men and mascara have in common?
A. They both run at the first sign of emotion.
Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A. They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
Q. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.
Q. What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A. Sex.
Q. What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
A. Telling you his real name.
Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.
Q. What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
A. Big Foot's been spotted a several times.
Q. What's the smartest thing a man can say?
A. "My wife says..."
Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease?
A. Because they're all pigs.
Q. Why do men like smart women?
A. Opposites attract.
Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.
Q. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
A. Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Q. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe. 
Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.
Q. When do you care for a man's company?
A. When he owns it.
Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have one in a million chance of becoming a human being.