Twenty Management Styles
1) MANAGING BY WALKING FASTER THAN THE EMPLOYEES These kind of managers youwill always see in the corridor, ten steps away. "We'll have to talk" you canhear them say, just as they have disappeared around the corner.
2) MANAGING BY STARING OUT OF THE WINDOW These managers you usually meet withtheir backside faced to you with their hands in their pockets. When you talk tothem, their thoughts keep staring out of the windows.
3) MANAGING BY POST-ITS® Some managers forget everything. They want to impress you with their 'busy'ness by continuously writing on Post-Its® while you are talking.
4) MANAGING BY DELEGATION TO THE SECRETARY These managers just delegate everything to the secretary.
5) MANAGING BY KNOWING NOTHING These managers don't really know anything at all. They let YOU give answers. Meanwhile they fill the time with irrelevant anecdotes.
6) MANAGING BY CONCEPTUAL THINKING These people try to explain the presentfrom a theoretical view of the far future. The idea that this never will work,completely satisfies them. They will always have something to talk about.
7) MANAGING BY HIDING INFORMATION Information hiders are aware of the marketvalue of strictly secret kept information. You must be very thankful to get any information at all.
8) MANAGING BY DOING EXACTLY WHAT THE BOSS SAYS These managers prevent theirbosses from creative thinking. Else they have more work to do.
9) MANAGING BY WALKING ONE FOOT BEHIND THE BOSS In hierarchical organizations you can watch those groups walking in the corridor. The more equal managers are directly followed by the lesser equal managers, and so on.
10) MANAGING BY SMILING AND WEARING NICE SUITS If you drink beer with them,lunch with them, smile to them and also wear nice suits, nothing can stop your carreer anymore.
11) MANAGING BY STUDYING Despite their continual attendances of all kind of studies and congresses, they still belong to category 5. The longer they learn,
the further they get from the practice.
12) MANAGING BY CREATING VAGUE OVERHEAD SHEETS Do you know them? Those sheets with some big arrows,boxes or circles? These sheets provide the ultimate proof of their overall brilliance.
13) MANAGING BY OPEN DOOR AND EMPTY ROOM This is a major improvement of the older 'OPEN DOOR' management style. Now you can really walk in and out anytime you want. Nobody ever knows where these managers are.
14) MANAGING BY SPEAKING WITH OTHER MANAGERS This kind of managing is very popular. It will give them within a few hours the same information as an employee can tell them in 15 minutes.
15) MANAGING BY HAVING A NON SUPPORTING INFRASTRUCTURE In an organization with a hopeless infrastructure, managers are really necessary. These managers will naturally prevent the organization from having a better infrastructure.
16) BUA MANAGEMENT ( BY USING ABBREVIATIONS ) This management style is ATRASACWOC ( Adopted To Reach A Shorter And Clearer Way Of Communication ).
17) MANAGING BY USING BUZZ WORDS These managers like to bluff your head off with hip, nearly undefined, terms.
18) MANAGING BY REORGANIZATION If they think there is nothing more to organize, they reorganize.
19) MANAGING BY BELIEVING These managers must be spiritual educated, because they have no clues at all.
20) MANAGING BY FORGETTING PROMISES If you remind them to one of their promises, the priority of that promise is too low to remember.
Job Placement
Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to
jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement.
Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room
with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any
instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.
If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.
If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Accounting.
If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.
If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel are a good spot for them.
If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.
If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.
And if they've left early, put them in Sales.
McDonalds Job Application
This is an actual job application!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the
Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BESTOF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
Top 15 Signs Your Company is Planning a Layoff
15. CEO frequently overheard mumbling, "Eeny-Meeny-Miney-Moe."
14. Dr. Kervorkian hired as "Transition Consultant."
13. Windows 95 shutdown screen reads, "It's Now Safe to Start Looking for Work."
12. Company softball team down-sized to chess team.
11. Sudden proliferation of teen-age geek interns.
10. Your boss keeps asking you when he can "show your cubicle."
9. Company president now driving a Hyundai.
8. Annual company holiday bash moved from Sheraton banquet room to abandoned Fotomat booth.
7. Old Milwaukee is beer of choice at company picnics.
6. Guard at front desk nervously fingers his revolver whenever you pass by.
5. Giant yard sale in front of corporate headquarters.
4. Babes in Marketing suddenly start flirting with dorky personnel manager.
3. Employee Discount Days discontinued at Ammo Outlet.
2. Company dental plan now consists of pliers and string.
1. President begins weekly meetings, "Good morning, you ignorant bastards."
