Why Men Usually Die First

This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries but, now we know.

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race...you're a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework...you're a pansy.

If you work too hard...there's never any time for her.

If you don't work enough...you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay...this is exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay.....you should get off your lazy - ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her.....that is favoritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you......it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks......it's sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet..........it's male indifference.

If you cry............you're a wimp.

If you don't........you're an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her.........you're a  chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you......she's a liberated  woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy....... that's  domination.

If SHE asks you.........it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form, and frilly underwear......you're a  pervert.

If you don't..............you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.

If you don't.................you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape................you're vain.

If you don't................you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers.............you've did something or want  something.

If you don't....................you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements........you're full of yourself.

If you don't....................you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache............she's tired.

If you have a headache.............you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often.........you're oversexed.

If you don't................there must be someone else.

So you ask, 'Why do men die first?'

Men try so hard for so long to be the perfect mate that they finally just give up.

Showering For Men And Women

How to shower if you're a woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups

4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 min. until red.

9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair.

11. Shave armpits and legs.

12. Turn off shower.

13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.

16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How to shower if you're a man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

3. Look in the mirror, look at your wiener and scratch your ass.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Wash your face

6. Wash your armpits.

7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.

9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

11. Shampoo your hair.

12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

13. Pee.

14. Rinse off and get out of shower.

15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.

17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

19. Throw wet towel on bed.

Words Women Use

Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Five Minutes: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it 's an even trade.

Nothing: This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine."

Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows!): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."

Go Ahead (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when he cools off.

Go Ahead!: At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing.

Soft Sigh: Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

That 's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

Please Do: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

Thanks a Lot: This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot " when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

Why Beer Is Better Than Women

You can enjoy a beer all month long.

Beer stains wash out.

You don't have to wine and dine a beer.

Your beer will always wait patiently in the car while you play ball.

If your beer is flat, you can toss it out.

Beer is never late.

A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.

A hangover will go away.

Beer labels come off without a fight.

When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.

A beer never has a headache.

A beer will never nag you.

A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer.

If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.

A beer always goes down easy.

You can share a beer with friends.

You always know if you're the first one to pop a beer.

A beer is always wet.

A beer doesn't demand equality.

You can have a beer in public.

A beer doesn't care what time you come home.

A frigid beer is a good beer.

You don't have to wash a beer for it to taste good.

If you decide to change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.

Shockingly Sexist Jokes

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

How do you p*ss off a female archaeologist??
Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from.

How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why did God create woman ?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

Soap

The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of its guests. The hotel ended up submitting the letters to the Sunday Times.

Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Imperial Leather.

Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.

Thank you,
S. Berman

-------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off.
I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management are to leave 3 soaps daily.

I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy,
Relief Maid

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Maid

I hope you are my regular maid.

Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening, I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.

I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Imperial Leather, so I won't need those 6 little Camays, which are on the shelf. They are in the way when shaving, brushing teeth etc.

Please remove them.

S. Berman

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience.

If you have any future complaints, please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension xxxx between 8AM and 5PM.

Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6.00 PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr.. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap.

The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet, along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf.

In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and to remove the extra soaps.

If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8 AM and 5 PM.

Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Kensedder,

My bath-size Imperial Leather is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room, including my own bath-size Imperial Leather.

I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr.. Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room.

The situation will be rectified immediately.

Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room?

I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Imperial Leather.

Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath-size Imperial Leather.
Please give me back my bath-size Imperial Leather.

S. Berman

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr.. Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had them removed.

Then you complained to Mr.. Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily.

I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets.

Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps, so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays.

I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Imperial Leather.

I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mrs.. Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.

As of today I possess:

* On the shelf under the medicine cabinet -18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
* On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
* On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
* Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
* In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
* On the northeast corner of the tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
* On the northwest corner of the tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip.
May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries.

One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-size Imperial Leather, which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

S. Berman

What do these again meanS?

We're going to have to watch that with a fine-tooth comb.

..that's what really separates the wheat from the sheep.

He's not the brightest brick in the basket.

Don't worry; I've got an ace up my hole.

He's not the brightest cookie in the lamp.

You planted the seed, and I ran with it.

I swear on my dog's breakfast!

If there was a rainbow at night, how would you know it was there?

Just because he's our landlord doesn't mean he owns the place.

Like a cat on a hot tin can.

All old people should be shot at birth.

I know that area of town like the back of my head.

That's the carrot at the end of the tunnel.

Vision is in the eyes of the beholder.

Eventually, I want it now.

In the last year, you've turned around 150%.

It was a huge incontinence for me.

I was already squeezing the buffalo.

I think we're on the same page here, just different parts of the page.

I think you might have hit the nail on the button.

I'm caught between a rock and a wet spot.

I was thinking about you in the shower this morning and I thought of a name for you.

If you have that, the world is your walrus.

It was jumping up and down like a sieve.

I've got ears like a hawk.

This guy's sharp as a cookie.

I had too many hands in the fire.

He's between a rock and a hotplate.

It depends whether you are drinking from the side of the glass that is half-full or half-empty.

I don't need a compass to tell me which way the wind shines!

It's like the blind talking to the blind!

She's not the brightest tree in the forest.

I need a trash compactor because my garbage is too heavy to carry up the driveway.

Cut the cake a different way and go for the lowest hanging fruit.

Now, I do not want to toot my own wagon.

He's not the brightest cookie in the lamp.

We'd be biting off a new can of worms.

Well, it's no skin off my teeth!

That's just cutting your throat to spite your face.

Remember! There is no 'I' in 'Team Spirit'!

If you can't finish the job on time, that'll really put a wrinkle in your feather.

'Usually' only counts in horseshoes.

I wouldn't trust them with a nine foot pole.

Everything has been peaches and gravy.

You're getting too clever for your own boots!

Then I figured that something was rotten in Denver.

If you play with matches, you're going to get fired. 

I'll be straight as a doorknob with you.

Open your mouth and shut your ears when I'm talking to you.

He couldn't find his way out of a paper bag if it bit him.

They dropped the apple cart, now it's up to us to get it back on the tracks.

We'll be done by the schedule date, maybe later.

We are going to have to put all our oars in the fire for this project.

That really throws a monkey at the wrench.

She's totally green under the collar.

You don't want me down here breathing down your throats.

I didn't think it would be a good idea to rattle the barrel.

That floor is so clean you could comb your hair off of it.

He is always robbing Peter Paul to pay Mary.

It's good to get a taste of someone else's moccasins!

There are too many ducks in the soup. 

This is for your FYI.

We definitely don't want to nail ourselves into a corner.

I'm not the brightest bean in the hole.

I want quality, not quantity; but lots of it.

Don't look for a gift in the horse's mouth.

I'm doing this just to break up the mahogany.

We need to iron out our bread and butter.

I think we should go for the whole ball of wood.

Each of you pitched a home run today!

I usually dealt with him using felt-tipped gloves.

It's an exercise in fertility.

Hindsight is 50-50.

You are never going to fail unless you try.

We're scraping the bottom of the iceberg.

Today is like the day Rome was built in. We can't afford to have any fiddlers.

He might be barking at a red herring.

He was smoking like a fish.

He's as deaf as a bat.

We don't want to stick our necks out and get our asses chopped off.

I didn't have two dimes to pee on.

I gave him a real mouthful.

I really took the bull by the hands.

He doesn't know his hole from an ass in the ground.

I can't remember but it's right on the tip of my head!

You can lead a pig to pearls...

The skeleton is there. You just have to sharpen it and put the decorations on the tree.

He would give you the shoes off his back.

That question was so easy I could have answered it blindfolded.

We're going to clean the competition's lunch.

We've baked our cake, now we have to eat it.

That's the pot calling the kettle "Bob".

I want 24 x 7 availability, 5 days a week.

The phone was ringing off its hinges.

I didn't want to stir the apple cart.

It was so quiet you could hear a needle drop in a haystack.

I don't put my chickens before the horse.

It was time to get the train out of the harbor.

I didn't have many bullets left in the tank.

I was shooting at straws.

I was running on exhaustion fumes.

I was looking for a seed that would get it over the hump.

I didn't want to sit in the hotbox with my fingers in my ears.

It's water under the dam now.

I put the ball in the other shoe.

That took the steam out of my sails.

No point in making a molehill out of an elephant!

You can try, but it's like waiting for toast to boil.

Cut off your face in spite of your nose.

You have a better chance of winning the lotto if you don't play.

Can you tell me when my past due amount is due?

Eventually the penny will come home to roost.

You are the wind beneath my cheeks.

Wit and Wisdom

It's really difficult to find what you want on eBay. I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches.

Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.

Is it just me, or does anybody else find pressing F5 refreshing?

I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from. Then it dawned on me.

In high school, I was in the French club. All we would do is occasionally surrender to the German club.

The worst bar I've ever been to was called The Fiddle. It really was a vile inn.

I just want to thank the girl who ran with me for the last few thousand feet in the marathon yesterday, not wearing a sports bra. Your lack of support got me through.

A farmer is in his big machinery barn one day doing a striptease when the farmhand walks in catching him in the act. "What the heck!?" exclaims the farmhand. "Oh!" replies the farmer, looking quite embarrassed. "Thing is, Mrs Farmer and I haven't been getting on recently so my therapist advised I should do something sexy to a tractor."

Shouldn't the Air and Space Museum be empty?

Somebody called me 'pretentious' the other day. I nearly choked on my latte.

I spent some time at my wife's grave earlier. She's not dead - she thinks I'm digging a pond.

What do houseflies and Mac users have in common? Neither of them understand how Windows work.

92% of cross-eyed teachers have difficulty controlling their pupils.

I used to be quite good at wordplay. Once a pun a time.

Everything is easier said than done. Except for talking, that's about the same.

Don't worry about infringing on corporate trademarks, Just Do It.

I told my buddy that, in order to get laid, I'd promised my girlfriend that I'd marry her in the summer. He said, "July?" I said, "Of course I did."

Failure is at the end of the path of least persistence.

I lost my watch earlier. I would have looked for it but I didn't have the time.

The day that Microsoft creates a product that doesn't suck is the day that they venture into the vacuum cleaner industry.

I see boomerangs are making a comeback.

I woke up this morning and there was a bloke stealing my gate. I didn't want to say anything in case he took a fence.

I'm reading a book about the Titanic at the moment, and the experts speculate that the designer of the Titanic had a lisp. That's unthinkable!

If you were lost in fog, would you be mist?

As a child I enjoyed reading "Spot The Dog". They were a lot easier than "Where's Waldo".

A Freudian slip is one where you say one thing but mean a mother.

Sometimes it's the smallest things that take up the most room in your heart. Like blood clots.

I banged my head on a low bridge. I would have been okay if viaduct.

Now matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

I recently bought a second keyboard, so I can indulge in some stereotyping.

You can't have manslaughter without laughter.

LeAnn Rimes. No it doesn't.

Death - a once in a lifetime experience.

I'm considering becoming a mind reader. What are your thoughts?

I had to do a presentation on children's playground equipment. So I did a slide show.

After 2 hours of wandering around CVS, I eventually found the disposable contact lenses. Aisle C.

As the circus manager I had to tell an acrobat he was sacked yesterday. He wasn't happy, he flipped. Tomorrow I'm going to fire the human cannonball.

I've been searching all day for a word that looks like it's a mock dinosaur's name. But I'm having no joy so far with the thesaurus.

In an effort to defeat Superman, I've joined a street gang. Superman won't stand a chance once I turn into a Crip tonight.

I'm a philosopher. I think.

A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.

How do you make teenage boys more interested in history? Teach them how to delete it.

The price of owning a faulty jetpack is going through the roof.

My first erotic fantasy was because of a picture of a mermaid. Since then, I've always been drawn to scale.

Cashiers are always checking me out.

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

Stonehenge Rocks!

I'm great at making balloon animals, if all you want are snakes.

Did you know that the average married couple argue 412 times a year? Well 415 actually, but try telling her that!

How subtle is the b in subtle?

As a pyromaniac, I must say I found Match.com to be incredibly disappointing.

I looked up 'opaque' in the dictionary today. The definition was not very clear.

On reflection, vampires aren't that scary.

I thought I'd found the perfect website to help me overcome my fear of flying until it crashed.

I am married to two women. After years of deceit I owned up to both of them. I thought that was big of me.

Today, I shall rewrite hostiry.

I have no beef with vegetarians.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

Big noses run in my family.

It's weird that the words 'finger puppets' sound okay as a noun.

I opened the mail this morning. Nothing exciting, it was mostly bills. He's gonna be so pissed off when he finds out.

What are the chances of me allowing my wife to choose which TV channel we watch tonight? Remote.

Integers are pointless.

Boxing. What's that, a bout?

I deserted my wife last night. I gave her a big bowl of chocolate pudding.

Due to inflation, balloons are going up.

My ex girlfriend texted me to say that she'd made a voodoo doll of me. I think she's pulling my leg.

I don't know why the word "purposeless" is in the English language. My dictionary says it has no meaning.

My wife's got this weird fetish for sleeping with boxing gloves on. Her doctor thinks it's just the menopause setting in but I just think she's going through a rocky patch.

There was a kidnapping in my town today. She slept for 4 hours.

I'm having trouble accessing the Glade website. It keeps telling me to get some sort of plug-in.

I went to get my palm read the other day, but as I was sitting down at the table I managed to knock over her crystal ball. Ended up costing me a fortune.

I just bought some second hand binoculars fo $200. The guy must have seen me coming from a mile away.

I saw my friend floating about 4 feet off the ground yesterday. He didn't seem the slightest bit bothered. He obviously didn't understand the gravity of the situation.

I'm a pretty good Ventriloquist. Even though I say so myself.

I just saw a large area of ground with 10,000 car parking spaces on it. I thought: "That's a lot".

It is the largest ocean on the planet. It covers 46% of the worlds water surface. The equator divides it into the North and South. It's Latin name 'Mare Pacificum' means peaceful sea. Sorry, I'm being very Pacific.

I remember when I was diagnosed as colorblind, it was completely unexpected, out of the purple.

I can't remember the last time I got really drunk.

I will never forget my childhood summers, when we would climb into old tires and roll down the hills. They were Goodyears.

I'm a cosmetic surgeon and just had to sue a woman over incomplete payment of an invoice. Her nose job was fine, but her breasts were outstanding.

If sex with 3 people is called a threesome, and sex with 2 people is called a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.

I recently wrote a book about how to deal with being an orphan. It's nothing to write home about.

My wife said, "I don't understand double entendres, can you please fill me in?"

I saw Bruce Lee's old man at the bar last night. I was giving him crap about his son and he kicked my ass. From now on I'll respect the elder Lee.

My wife has asked me to "stop always getting the last word in". I'm doing quite well, but now none of my sentences make any.

I'll be ill if you remove the apostrophe.

I failed my English literature exam. Apparently, the answer to question 2b) was not 'or not 2b).'

This is just how messed up the English language is:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) There is no time like the present, he said it was time to present the present.
8) At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22) I will read what I have read already.

I say tomato you say tomato. Doesn't quite have the same effect online.

Pregnancy FAQ

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, generally 35 children are enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidermal?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Results of recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex

The 1st kind of sex is called Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called Religious Sex. Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

The 7th kind of sex is called Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

Doctors In Translation

Doctor: "This should be taken care of right away."
Translation: "I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself."

Doctor: "Let me check your medical history."
Translation: "I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you."

Doctor: "We have some good news and some bad news."
Translation: "The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it."

Doctor: "Let me schedule you for some tests."
Translation: "I have a forty percent interest in the lab."

Doctor: "I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
Translation: "I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig."

Doctor: "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
Translation: "I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself."

Doctor: "I'd like to run some more tests."
Translation: "I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve it."

Application

APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising

A Man's View of a Relationship

 

1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings. 

2. Nothing improves with age. 

3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered again take it, because it'll never be quite the same. 

4. Sex has no calories. 

5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex. 

7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got. 

8. No sex with anyone in the same office. 

9. Sex is like snow: you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it will last. 

10. A man in the house is worth two in the street. 

11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. 

12. Virginity can be cured. 

13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him. 

14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. 

15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later. 

16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right. 

17. It is always the wrong time of the month. 

18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms. 

19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful. 

20. Sex is hereditary, if your parents never had it, chances are you won't either. 

21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night--then on Sunday, pray for crop failure. 

22. The younger the better. 

23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness!!!!!!!!!

How to Shower Like a Woman

 

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom. 

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat. 

4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, arm-cloth, leg-cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. 

5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. 

6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. 

7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw. 

9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash. 

10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off). 

11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead. 

12. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure. 

13. Turn off shower. 

14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. 

15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. 

16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found. 

17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. 

18. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

Things Men Want Women to Remember

1. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet UP when you are done. 

2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red. 

3. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall. 

4. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt. 

5. Shopping is not fascinating. 

6. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking. 

7. Unless the answer is yes. 

8. In which case, can he videotape it? 

9. If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking a holes. 

10. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill. 

11. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny. 

12. Money does not equate to love. Not even in Nevada. 

13. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (e.g., microwaving a burrito, fixing spaghetti, etc.) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon her infant when it.walks for the first time. 

14. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it. 

15. He heard you the first time. 

16. You know, YOU can ask HIM out, too. Let's spread the rejection around a little. 

17. If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want answers to. 

18. Of COURSE he wants another beer. 

19. Dogs good. Cats bad. 

20. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny. 

21. If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall," you have to sit through "Showgirls." 

22. "Fine!" is not an acceptable way to end an argument. 

23. Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions. 

24. He was not looking at that other girl. 

25. Well, okay... maybe a little.

26. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy. 

27. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met. 

28. And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones. 

29. Your select appropriate item: butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As.a matter of fact, it/they look d*mned good. Stop asking. 

30. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will NEVER fake an orgasm. 

31. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your period with him. 

32. Remember: That Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower. 

33. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, looks fine/smells bad, looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organised in this manner. 

34. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Andepson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than he is. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you're with. 

35. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute. 

36. Don't hog the covers. 

37. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that. 

38. He does not just want to be friends. 

39. Just because this list doesn't have as many entries as yours doesn't mean it's any less important.