RELATIONS TODAY

Top Ten Rejection Lines Given by Women (and what they actually mean)

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to date my dad)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).

5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.) And the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it really means)

1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing.)

Degree Courses for Women

1. Silence, the final frontier: Where no woman has gone before.
2. The undiscovered side of Banking: How to make deposits.
3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You don t need new shoes everyday.
4. Learn how not to inflict your Diets on other people.
5. Nag Nag Nag - how to overcome your tendency to be a fish wife.
6. An invitation to a party does not mean that you have to have a new outfit.
7. Man Management: Discover how the garbage can wait until after the game.
8. Personal Space: Leaving at least enough space in the bathroom cupboard for your partners toothbrush.
9. Valuation: Just because it's not important to you.
10. Communication Skills I: Tears as the last resort and not the first.
11. Communication Skills II: How to think before speaking.
12. What he really wants: Is buying the right razor blades so difficult.
13. Driving a car safely: A skill you can also acquire.
14. Real women drink their share at a party.
15. Telephones: How to hang up.
16. Parking: Beginners Course.
17. Parking (Advanced): Reversing into a parking space.
18. The Natural Habitat of the Towel: Why they prefer the floor.
19. Managing your weight: Its not water retention... its fat.
20. Learning to cook I: Bran is not food.
21. Learning to cook II: Bringing back bacon and eggs.
22. Compliments: How to accept them gracefully.
23. PMS: Your problem... not his.

Women's 45 Rules for Men

1. Call
2. Don't lie.
3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
5. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
6. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
7. Victoria's secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.
8. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
9. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
10. "Honey," "Darling," and "Sweetheart," are good. "Nag," "Lardass," and "Bitch," are bad.
11. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
12. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
13. None of your ex-girlfriends was ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
14. Her cooking is excellent.
15. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid coocking.
16. Dish soap is your friend.
17. Hat does not equal shower, after-shave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
18. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
19. Answering "Who was on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
20. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
21. Two words: clean socks.
22. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're all sweaty.
23. Burping is not sexy.
24. You're wrong.
25. You're sorry.
26. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think.
27. Ditto for you discourse on football.
28. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
29. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.
30. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
31. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
32. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
33. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11 pm.
34. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
35. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
36. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
37. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
38. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
39. Always, always suck up to her brother.
40. Think boxers. Silk boxers.
41. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so names.
42. Don't try to change the way she dresses.
43. Her haircut is never bad.
44. Don't let your friends pick on her.
45. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit on your butt in the waiting room, smoking cigars, isn't fair either, and it balances everything.

Male Bashing

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: Why are men like commercials?
A: You can't believe a word they say.

Q: Why are men like popcorn?
A: They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Q: What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A: Sex.

Q: What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
A: When the power goes off.

Q: What do men and women have in common?
A: They both distrust men.

Q: How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
A: Guilt gifts are nicer.

Q: What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A: His wife is good at picking out clothes.

Q: How is a man like the weather?
A: Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

Q: What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
A: One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is giving birth.

Q: What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
A: The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the man thinks often about dating them.

Q: Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?
A: Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

Q: What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
A: Slow.

Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A: They're married.

Q: What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
A: An insurance company.

Q: Why don't men often show their true feelings?
A: Because they don't have any.

Q: How are men like noodles?
A: They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Q: Why are men and spray paint alike?
A: One squeeze and they're all over you.

Q: Why is food better than men?
A: Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.

Q: Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars?
A: At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or 5000 miles, whichever came first.

Q: Why do men have a hole in their penis?
A: So oxygen can get to their brains.

Q: What do ceramic tile and men have in common?
A: If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for life!

Q: How do you grow your own dope?
A: Plant a man.

Q: How are all men multiorgasmic?
A: They have one small one while having sex with "their" woman....and a second, much bigger one the next day while telling their buddies about it.

Q: What about the man who saw the sign "Drink Canada Dry"?
A: He moved there.

Q: What does a woman do with her asshole before having sex?
A: She drops him off at the golfcourse.

Q: How do you get a man to do situps?
A: Put the remote control between his toes

Q: What do men consider housecleaning?
A: Lifting their feet so you can vacuum under them

Q: How do you save a man from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head

Q: What do men consider a 7 course meal?
A: A hotdog and a six pack of beer

Q: How does a man change a roll of toilet paper?
A: No one knows - we've never seen it done!

Q: Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
A: So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions.

Q: How can you tell if a man is excited?
A: He's breathing

Q: How do men exercise on the beach?
A: By sucking in their stomach everytime a bikini goes by

Q: What do men consider foreplay?
A: Half an hour of begging

Q: How can you tell if a man is happy?
A: Who cares?/?

Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: 1. No mind.
2. No business.

Q: If men got pregnant....
A: Abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A: Because they already have boyfriends.

Q: Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
A: He had it bronzed.

Q: How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
A: Two ways to cross a river.

Q: What is gross stupidity?
A: 144 men in one room.

Q: What is a man's view of safe sex?
A: A padded headboard.

Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

Q: What can a bird do that a man can't?
A: Whistle through its pecker!

Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.

Q: What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?
A: A sex-change operation.

Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard the chicken was a slut.

Q: Why do women fake orgasm?
A: Because men fake foreplay!

Q: Why do men talk so dirty?
A: So they can wash their mouth out with beer.

Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: Who has the time?

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: They won't stop to ask directions!

Q: Why don't women have men's brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to keep them in!

Q: What do toy trains and breasts have in common?
A: They're usually intended for the children, but it's the husbands who end up playing with them!

Q: What do you have when you've got 2 little balls in your hand?
A: A man's undivided attention.

Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.

Q: What happens when a man opens his zipper?
A: His brains fall out.

The Future - As Seen In 1960 

 

1. "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20."

2. "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5000 will only buy a used one."

3. "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

4. "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging dime just to mail a letter?"

5. "The Government is wanting to get its hands on everything. Pretty soon it's going to be impossible to run a family business or farm."

6. "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

7. "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 30 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."

8. "Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."

9. "Also, their music drives me wild. This 'Rock Around The Clock' thing is nothing but racket."

10. "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in Gone With The Wind, it seems every movie has a 'hell' or 'damn' in it."

11. "Also, it won't be long until couples are sleeping in the same bed in the movies. What is this world coming to?"

12. "Marilyn Monroe is now showing her bra and panties, so apparently there are no standards anymore."

13. "Pretty soon you won't be able to buy a good 10 cent cigar."

14. "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

15. "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."

16. "Do you suppose television will ever reach our part of the country?"

17. "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."

18. "It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."

19. "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."

20. "Marriage doesn't mean a thing anymore. Those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."

21. "I'll tell you one thing. If my kids ever talk back to me, they won't be able to sit down for a week."

22. "Did you know the new church in town is allowing women to wear slacks to their service?"

23. "Next thing you know is, the government will start paying us not to grow crops."

24. "I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."

25. "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."

26. "Why in the world would you want to send your daughter to college? Isn't she going to get married? It would be different if she could be a doctor or a lawyer."

27. "I just hate to see the young people smoking. As I tell my kids, "Don't take a cigarette from ANYONE. You never know what might be in it."

28. "The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."

29. "There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."

30. "Anymore, no one can afford to be sick, $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."

31. "If a few idiots want to risk their necks flying across the country that's fine, but nothing will ever replace trains."

32. "I don't know about you but if they raise the price of coffee to 15 cents, I'll just have to drink mine at home."

33. "If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it. I'll have my wife learn to cut hair."

34. "We won't be going out much anymore. Our baby sitter informed us she wants 50 cents an hour. These kids think money grows on trees."

35. "Cars which dim their lights by sensors, automatic transmissions, and who knows what else? Pretty soon they will drive themselves."

 

Employee evaluations

               Quotes taken from actual employee evaluations: 

1.      "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

2.     "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3.     "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."

4. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts, the better."

Engineering Phrases (And what they really mean)

Customer satisfaction is believed to be assured. (We're so far behind schedule that the customer will settle for anything.)

Please see me / Let's discuss it. (I need your help. I've screwed up again.)

The project is in process. (It's so tied up in red tape that it's completely hopeless.)

We're trying a number of different approaches. (We're still guessing, at this point.)

Close project coordination. (We met together and had coffee.)

Years of development. (It finally worked.)

Energy saving. (Turn off the power to save electricity.)

We'll have to abandon the entire concept. (The only person who understood the thing just quit.)

We had a major technological breakthrough. (It's boring, but it looks high tech.)

We're preparing a report with a fresh approach. (We just hired a couple of kids out of college.)

Preliminary operational tests proved inconclusive. (It blew up when we flipped the switch.)

Test results proved extremely gratifying. (Yahoo! It actually worked.)

Tell us what you are thinking. (We'll listen, but if it disagrees with what we've already done or are planning to do, forget it.)

No maintenance. (If it breaks, we can't fix it.)

Low maintenance. (If it breaks, we're not likely able to fix it.)

All new. (None of the parts are interchangeable with the previous design.)

Rugged. (Needs major equipment to lift it.)

Robust. (More than rugged.)

Light weight. (A little less than rugged.)

Fax it to me. (I'm too lazy to write it down.)

Famous Last Words

1. I'll get a world record for this.

2. Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press.

3. It's fireproof.

4. He's probably just hibernating.

5. I'm making a citizen's arrest.

6. So, you're a cannibal.

7. It's probably just a rash.

8. Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?

9. The odds of that happening have to be a million-to-one!

10. Pull the pin and count to what?

11. Which wire was I supposed to cut?

12. I wonder where the mother bear is.

13. I've seen this done on TV.

14. These are the good kind of mushrooms.

15. I'll hold it and you light the fuse.

16. Funny, you look just like Charles Manson.

17. Rat poison only kills rats.

18. It can't possibly rain for forty days and nights.

19. This doesn't taste right.

20. I can make this light before it changes.

21. Nice doggie.

22. I can do that with my eyes closed.

23. Well, we've made it this far.

24. That's odd.

25. Don't be so superstitious!

Lessons from Hollywood

1. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

2. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

3. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her.

4. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

5. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

6. All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

7. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least a half-hour to escape.

8. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

9. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

10. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

11. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

12. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

13. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off, but luckily you'll always blindly choose to cut the right wire.

14. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

15. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

Bad Pick Up Lines

1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!

2. Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.

3. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.

4. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

5. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.

6. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

7. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

8. Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.

9. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

10. Baby, you must be tired cuz you have been running through my mind all night!!

Things Parents Don't Say

1. How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?

2. Yeah, I used to cut class a lot too.

3. Let me smell that shirt - don't worry, it's good for another week.

4. Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day.

5. That outfit isn't sexy enough, here, unbutton your blouse.

6. Why don't you hitchhike? It would totally be cheaper.

7. The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here.

8. Don't clean your room so often. It makes the rest of the house look bad.

9. Can I borrow your new speed metal CDs?

10. Naw, you don't have to call me, I'll eventually figure it out if you're in trouble.

Funny Quotes

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff," -- Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president," -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle

" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another" -- George Bush, US President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -- Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version," -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

“If we let the loggers go in and cut down all the trees we wouldn’t have a problem with forest fires.” – George Bush

Women's 45 Rules for Men

1. Call

2. Don't lie. 

3. Never tape any of her body parts together.

4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls. 

5. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."

6. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?" 

7. Victoria's secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad. 

8. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad. 

9. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad. 

10. "Honey," "Darling," and "Sweetheart," are good. "Nag," "Lardass," and "Bitch," are bad. 

11. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony. 

12. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question. 

13. None of your ex-girlfriends was ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed. 

14. Her cooking is excellent. 

15. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid coocking. 

16. Dish soap is your friend. 

17. Hat does not equal shower, after-shave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean. 

18. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay. 

19. Answering "Who was on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation. 

20. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?" 

21. Two words: clean socks. 

22. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're all sweaty.
23. Burping is not sexy. 

24. You're wrong. 

25. You're sorry. 

26. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think. 

27. Ditto for you discourse on football. 

28. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound. 

29. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad. 

30. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood. 

31. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist. 

32. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice. 

33. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11 pm. 

34. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive. 

35. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it. 

36. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you. 

37. Don't tell her you love her if you don't. 

38. Tell her you love her if you do. Often. 

39. Always, always suck up to her brother. 

40. Think boxers. Silk boxers. 

41. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so names. 

42. Don't try to change the way she dresses. 

43. Her haircut is never bad. 

44. Don't let your friends pick on her. 

45. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit on your butt in the waiting room, smoking cigars, isn't fair either, and it balances everything.

Boy's & Girl's Records

Women:

Car Parking: 

The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman, was one of 19.36m equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs. Caroline Wizz (GB) driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova Swing on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11:15am in Ropergate, Pontefract and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement, 8 hours 14mins later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and the two adjoining cars, as well as shop frontage and two lampposts. 

Incorrect Driving: 

The longest journey completed with the handbrake on, was one of 313 miles from Stranraer to Hollyhead, by Dr. Julie Thorn, at the wheel of a Saab 900 on 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird, but pressed on to Hollyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing. 

Video Lesbianism: 

The longest period of time that two women in a pornographic film have sat together on a settee without starting to fondle each other is 8.3 secs, in the 1994 low budget production 'Strap on Sally vol.3'. The longest a woman has sat alone on the settee without starting to fondle herself is 5.2 secs. in the same film. 

Traffic Light Cosmetics: 

The longest spell spent oblivious to traffic lights whilst applying make up was one of 1hr 51mins 38secs. by Miss J. Dobson at a road junction in the centre of Preston on the 1st August 1975. Miss Dobson, a piano teacher, beautified herself through 212 cycles of the light, creating a tailback of irate motorists stretching 28 miles towards Leeds. 

Group Toilet Visit: 

The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet similtaniously is held by 147 workers at the dept. of Social Security, Long Benton. At their annual celebration at a nightclub in Newcastle upon Tyne on 12th Oct 1994. Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party. Moving amass the group entered the toilet at 9:52pm and after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2hrs 37mins later. 

Men: 

Expletives: 

On 9th june 1996, Mr. Harold Brayson (GB) struck his thumb with a stone masons mallet whilst breaking concrete in his back yard in Tewksbury, Gloucestershire. He went on to swear for 14mins 7secs. without stopping once or repeating a swear word. He later attemped to better this feat on BBC TV's Record Breakers programme by dropping a car battery on his foot. It ended in failure when he repeated the word bastard after 12mins 58secs. 

Beer Drinking: 

The greatest amount of beer drunk before going to the lavatory was 25.5 litres (45 pints) of assorted weak lagers, by Mr. George Wingfield downed in various pubs in Knutsford high street, Cheshire between 12:15pm and 2:38pm on 22nd December 1986. 

Urinating: 

The longest piss delivered at one continuous scoot was one of 36 mins 24secs by Mr George Wingfield (GB) in the doorway of a newsagents shop in Knutsford high street on 22nd December 1986. Mr Wingfield was arrested and charged with a public order offence 17 mins into his record attempt, but arresting officers had to wait a further 19mins 24sec before taking him back to the station for a kicking. 

Hottest Curry Eaten: 

Many claims are made about the ferocity of curries eaten, but in the main they are difficult to substanciate. The hottest verifiable curry eaten was a XXXHot Chicken Murg Thaal with extra chillies consumed by George Wingfield (GB) at the Bengal Tiger Restaurant, Knutsford on 23rd December 1986. The curry was reportedly so hot that between kitchen and table it burst into flames, singeing the waiters eyebrows. 

Biggest Fart: 

The largest and most catastrophic fart was one dropped by Mr. George Wingfield (GB) in the car park of the Dog and Duck, Knutsford, on the morning of the 24th December 1986. Suffering from terrible guts Mr. Wingfield gingerly attempted to squeeze one out whilst bending to pick up his car keys, but the resulting flatulant explosion blew his entire digestive tract out of his arse. Attending firemen hosed down his smoking guts for two hours before paramedics with breathing aparatus could begin the process of pushing them back up. 

Holiday Gymnastics: 

The greatest number of press-ups done in front of some girls on a beach is 6 by Wayne Fletcher (GB) whilst on holiday in San Antonio, Ibiza on 19th August 1988. The girls went off with a waiter. 

Loudest Car Stereo: 

The Saisho stereo fitted in the Mk.II Escort belonging to Wayne Fletcher (GB) reached a momentary peak noise level of 312dB whilst waiting at some traffic lights next to some girls in Stockport, Cheshire on 8th July 1988. This noise level is equivalent to 8 Concordes taking off inside the car. The girls walked off. 

Car Customisation: 

Judged as a proportion of the overall value of the car, the accessories fitted to the Mark II Escort of Wayne Fletcher (GB) add up to the world's most expensive car customisation project at 105761%. Between 8th March 1986 and 22nd September 1996, Fletcher has spent a grand total of $63,456.99 at the Stockport branch of Halfords in attempt to attract girls to his vehicle. His fruitless purchases include a Paddy Hopkirk Full Body Styling Kit ($3500), 'Nightrider' style Disco Stop Lights ($199), Split 45 Weber Carburettors x4 ($200), Scorpion Talking Alarm, ($500) and a Cromium plated Mock Twin Exhaust Extension ($285). The car is currently valued at $50 to $60. 

Longest Wheel Spin: 

The greatest length of time a car has screeched its wheels to impress some girls was achieved on 9th July 1988 by Wayne Fletcher (GB) in his Mark II Escort. When traffic lights in Stockport, Cheshire turned green Fletcher attempted to pull off at such speed that his front wheels spun for an amazing 42 secs before the car began to move. Both tyres fell to pieces and the clutch dropped out twenty yards down the road. The girls walked off.