Question and answer blond jokes

Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

Q: How do you drown a blond?
A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.

Q: How do you drown a blond?
A: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.

Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel.

Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.

Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or at the end?"

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.

Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.

Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: To keep from bruising their ears.

Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.

Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number eleven?
A: She didn't know what number came first.

Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.

Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.

Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.

Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries.

Q: Why did it take the blonde seven days to drive from St. Louis to Chicago?
A: She kept seeing signs that read "stop clean bathroom".

Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.

Q: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's writing on the white-out.

Q: How can you tell when a fax had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.

Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A: From eating with forks.

Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.

Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.

Q: Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
A: They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.

Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A: They can't remember the number.

Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: "What's a lightbulb?"

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"

Q: How do you get rid of blondes?
A: Form a circle, give each blonde a gun, and tell them they are a firing squad.

Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.

Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
A: None of them, two don't exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.

Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.

Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.

Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.

Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.

Q: What does a blonde say if you blow in his/her ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"

Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A whine cellar.

Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A: An Air Bag.

Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.

Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.

Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.

Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?
A: Divorcee'

Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!

Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.

Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A Space Invader.

Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.

Q: What do you call a smart blond?
A: A golden retriever.

Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?

Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "don't walk".

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"

Q: Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.

Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-air.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!

Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.

Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
A: Data transfer.

Q: What goes vroom, screech, vroom, screech, vroom, screech?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A: Grade four.

Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.

Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"

Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

Q: Why won't they hire a blonde pharmacist?
A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"

Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.

Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.

Q: What is the blonde's highest ambition in life?
A: They want to be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

Q: What are the six worst years in a blonde's life.
A: Third grade.

Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

Q: How to you keep a blonde busy all day?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run! She's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: I'll tell you tomorrow.

Q: Why can't the blonde make ice cubes?
A: She lost the recipe.

Q: How do you hit a blonde so she will never know it?
A: With a thought.

Q: Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?
A: The noise gave her a headache.

Q: How does a blond know if she's on her way home or on her way to work?
A: She opens her lunch box to see if there is anything in it.

Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
A: Knock on the door.

Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A: The instructions stated, "good for up to 20 pounds".

You Know You Work in Corporate America If:

You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies. 

Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.

Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket. 

The company logo on your badge is drawn on a post-it note. 

When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie. 

You get really excited about a 2% pay raise. 

You learn about your layoff on CNN. 

Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes. 

Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job. 

You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined. 

You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive. 

It's dark when you drive to and from work. 

Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else. 

"Communication" is something your group is having problems with. 

You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor. 

Free food left over from meetings is your main staple. 

Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home. 

Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital. 

Art involves a white board. 

You're already late on the assignment you just got. 

When 100% of your time means 20 hours. 

You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!" 

Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes", "in your spare time", "when you're freed up", and "I have an opportunity for you." 

Vacation is something you roll over to next year or a check you get every January. 

Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers". 

Change is the norm. Nepotism is encouraged. 

The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are hanging in your cube. 

You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting. 

You read this entire list and understood it.

Company buzz words

New Corporate Buzz Words for the 90's 

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed
or a project failed, and who was responsible. 

Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on
anyone who doesn't work out obsessively. 

Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, and then
leaves. 

Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee
headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands. 

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles. 

Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running. 

Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. 

Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm,
and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. 

SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children,Oppressive Mortgage. 

Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite. 

Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no
kids, no property, and no regrets. 

Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. 

Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the
magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. 

Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their
jobs. "We had three serious students in class; the rest were just tourists." 

Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material. 

Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace. 

Going Postal: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes
reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages. 

Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office
or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the Alpha Geek around here. 

Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and
advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard. 

Chips and Salsa: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta
figure out if the problem is in your chips or your salsa." 

Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave
a company or department soon. 

GOOD job: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to
pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you
find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime
example. 

Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of attacking an electronic device to get
it to work again.

Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a Vice
President at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an
uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator forassistance." See also Decruitment. 

Vulcan Nerve Pinch: The taxing hand positions required to reach all the
appropriate keys for commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II
computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control Key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

Romantic Pink Slip

Dear __________________________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further
contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was
exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also
failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an
opening come available. So that you may find better success in your future
romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were
disqualified from the competition: (Check those that apply)

__ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it,
or subjecting my children to it.

__ Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture
myself yelling out in a fit of passion.

__ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald's
reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.

__ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload"
indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my
personality.

__ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20
questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

__ Your breasts are bigger than mine.

__ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you
can't GET into my pants.

__ You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up
repeatedly at recess. AMEN!

__ You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to
kiss you.

__ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent
slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

__ Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms
a little disconcerting.

__ Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you
are some sort of psychotic stalker.

__ Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a
long term partner.

__ Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however,
happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your
application.

__ The fact that you categorize the ProBowler's Tour as 'Must
See TV' demonstrated that you do not meet my intelligence requirements.

__ Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your overnight bag were
really necessary for a successful business trip.

__ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,

Zen Quotes

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just #$%^ off and leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

6. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

15. Don't squat with your spurs on.

17. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.

18. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

19. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

20. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

Oh So True

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to beg forgiveness than get permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world

The 20 Disses

The 20 Disses

Words can't describe your outfit, so I'll just throw up!

They can't measure your intelligence. The scale won't go that low.

Appearances can be deceiving. Or in your case, disgusting.

I promise not to make fun of your height. I would never stoop to that.

I'm glad you're tall. It gives me more of you to dislike.

I think you stepped on something smelly. Like your feet!

I've seen tables with nicer looking legs than yours.

Are you going to eat that apple, or gum it to death?

Your mouth's the perfect size... for your foot.

I've seen a nose like yours before, but it looked better on the baboon.

Know what I like about your face? Me neither.

Know what goes best with a face like yours? A paper bag.

Why don't you do something different with your hair? Like, wash it.

You're a person of rare intelligence. It's rare when you show any.

You'll never use your mind. You can't lose what you never had.

You've made this date I won't forget... no matter how hard I try.

I know why they call this a "blind date." Because now that I've seen you, I wish I were blind.

You're like disposable diapers...always getting dumped.

''What are you doing Friday night?'' ''Trying to forget you just asked me that.''

"What's he got that I haven't?" "You want it alphabetically?"

RULES OF LIFE

•    I can only please one person each day.  Today is not your day.  Tomorrow is not looking good either.
•    Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
•    Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
•    You can go anywhere you want if you look serious, wear a white coat and carry a clipboard.
•    I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
•    Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
•    I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
•    My reality check bounced.
•    On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
•    I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
•    Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.
•    Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, and then beat you with experience.
                         
                               USEFUL ADVICES

•    As I've Matured... I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
•    I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.
•    I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.
•    I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
•    I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -- they are more screwed up than you think.
•    I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
•    I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
•    I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
•    I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.
•    I've learned that ex's are like fungus, which keeps coming back.
•    I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
•    I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
•    I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
•    Finally, I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity - I enjoy it!