The Top 20 Real-Life Motivational Slogans

20. Failure is not an option. For you, it's inevitable.

19. Seek and you shall find. Find and it's your problem, so better think twice about that seeking stuff.

18. Your most inspired work will never be as frequently seen as a fake nude of Britney.

17. Just say "can't."

16. Plagiarism: Anyone can be daring and original, but it requires big brass balls to take credit without expending any effort. YOU HEAR THAT, YOU "WACKY" RADIO MORNING SHOW LOSERS?!?

15. There isn't that much difference between a "winner" and a "whiner." Or a "wiener," too, for that matter.

14. Don't forget: It's never too late to run away screaming.

13. Unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes. But hey, snickering at the lead dogs as they walk into all the cobwebs and step in all the poop ain't such a bad life.

12. Death: Remember, its cold, bony hand can be a comfort.

11. Determination: Keep your eyes on the prize or you may end up spending 20 years designing motivational posters. Please, somebody shoot me!

10. When the load gets tough, the tough get loaded.

9. There's no "I" in "TEAM." And while you were busy spell-checking, your co-worker took all the credit for that project you were working on.

8. Life is a marathon, not a sprint. So think twice before super-sizing that next order of fries, tubby.

7. Just shut up and drink the Kool-Aid.

6. Marketing: "Efforting to shift the organizational paradigm through dynamic manipulation of throughput structures" will get you promoted, but "wanking in the executive washroom" will get you fired.

5. Be honest with your neighbors. It's not just a good idea, it's Megan's law.

4. Integrity: That and a buck will buy you some coffee while everyone else is sleeping their way toward raises and bigger offices.

3. Anything in the world worth doing is-- HEY! FREE BAGELS IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM!

2. A morning without smiles is like a workday.

1. Moving ahead of your co-workers can be easy, provided you're willing to risk several consecutive life sentences.

 

Differences Between You And Your Boss

When you take a long time, you're slow. 

When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough. 

When you don't do it, you're lazy. 

When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy. 

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot. 

When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human. 

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority. 

When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative. 

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed. 

When your boss does it, he's being firm. 

When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude. 

When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original. 

When you please your boss, you're arse-creeping. 

When your boss please his boss, he's being co-operative. 

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around. 

When your boss is out of the office, he's on business. 

When you have one too many drinks at a social, you're a drunken bum. 

When your boss does the same, he appreciated women. 

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick. 

When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill. 

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. 

When your boss applies for leave, it 's because he's overworked.

Engineers' Terminologies

1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED: We are still guessing.

2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM:We just hired three kids fresh out of college.

3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION: We know who to blame.

4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH: It works okay, but looks very hi-tech.

5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED: We are so far behind schedule, the customer is happy to get it delivered.

6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE: The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING: We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.

8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED: The only person who understood the thing quit.

9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS: It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.

10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT: Forget it! We have enough problems for now.

11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL: Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.

12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING: We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.

13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION: I can't wait to hear this bull!

14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS: Come into my office, I'm lonely.

15. ALL NEW: Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.

16. RUGGED: Too darn heavy to lift!

17. LIGHTWEIGHT: Lighter than RUGGED.

18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT: One finally worked.

19. ENERGY SAVING: Achieved when the power switch is off.

20. LOW MAINTENANCE: Impossible to fix if broken.

14 Reasons To Allow Drinking At Work

1. It's an incentive to show up. 

2. It reduces stress 

3. It leads to more honest communications. 

4. It reduces complaints about low pay. 

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover. 

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to
hear. 

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter. 

8. It encourages carpooling. 

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care. 

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work. 

11. It makes fellow employees look better. 

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better. 

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have had a couple of
drinks. 

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

The Top 14 Signs Your Coworker is a Spy

14. Silently weeps if you forget to turn off the music while playing Tetris.

13. The last sensation felt by anyone "borrowing" a pen is the quick sting of several tiny Punji sticks.

12. No one will carpool with him since that ejector seat incident.

11. He and his girlfriend Natasha keep threatening to "make big trouble for Moose and Squirrel."

10. His twin, who looks just like him except that he wears black, keeps coming in at lunch to booby trap his cubicle.

9. Always trying to convince you that Yakov Smirnoff is actually funny.

8. You could swear he used to look just like Sean Connery, but now he's the spitting image of Pierce Brosnan.

7. "I may ask; would you additionally like a packet of oil-fried potato slices, comrade?"

6. His shoe has a setting for either "Ring" or "Vibrate."

5. She taps that commie pen on her commie desk the same commie way EVERY FRIGGIN' DAY!

4. Last October you helped him ship out 750 boxes of old computer punch cards to addresses all over Florida and the "tip" he promised you was "dump all your stocks."

3. Suspiciously never complains about the temperature in the office.

2. He asks you to pull his finger -- until it clicks.

1. He introduces himself as "Bond... Jame-- Er, Finkelmeyer... Junius Finkelmeyer."

Financial Terminology

In case you were not aware of the new financial terminology:

EBITDA (formerly stood for Earnings before Interest Expenses, Taxes,
Depreciation and Amortization) - Now stands for "Earnings before I Tricked Dumb Auditor".

EBIT (Earnings before Interest and Taxes) - Now stands for "Earnings before Irregularities and Tampering".

CEO (Chief Executive Officer) - Now stands for "Chief Embezzlement Officer".

CFO (Chief Financial Officer) - Now stands for "Corporate Fraud Officer".

NAV (Net Asset Value) - Now stands for "Normal Andersen Valuation".

EPS (Earnings per Share) - Now stands for "Eventual Prison Sentence".

How bad a mistake

How bad a mistake can you make on your resume? Here are some reportedly real life examples:

"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

"Education: Curses in liberal arts, computer science, and curses in accounting."

"Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."

"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

"I am a rabid typist."

"Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."

"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for
business."

"Proven ability to track down and correct errors."

"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely
no one."

"References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."

"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."

"Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously; they were
unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."

"I am loyal to my employer at all costs...Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voicemail."

"Qualifications: No education or experience."

"Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."

"Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."

"Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"

Corporate Recreation Preferences

The National Science Foundation announced the following study results on corporate America recreation preferences: 

1. Sport of choice for maintenance level employees: bowling.

2. Sport of choice for front line workers: football.

3. Sport of choice for supervisors: baseball.

4. Sport of choice for middle management: tennis.

5. Sport of choice for corporate officers: golf.

CONCLUSION:

The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls.

THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK

15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 

14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to." 

13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper" 

12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning a new paradigm!" 

11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!" 

10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance" 

9. "Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I
learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend. 

8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress." 

7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our
biggest problem." 

6. "The coffee machine is broken...."

5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot." 

4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!" 

3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!" 

2. "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands." 

AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

"Amen"

The Top 16 Euphemisms for Slacking at Work

16. Thinking outside the cube

15. De-nosing the grindstone

14. Training for a career in management

13. Notworking

12. Awaiting awkward discovery prior to pursuing new opportunities elsewhere

11. Conserving the midnight oil

10. Testing the corporate firewall's ability to stop indecent images

9. Consulting

8. Battling the dreaded the Minesweeper virus

7. Defragging the brain drive

6. Reaping the rewards of superior delegation

5. In conference with the Olsen twins

4. Visiting Crawford

3. Letting opportunity open its own damn door

2. Zero-tasking

1. Enabling real-time back-end utilization

The Future - As Seen In 1960 

 

1. "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20."

2. "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5000 will only buy a used one."

3. "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

4. "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging dime just to mail a letter?"

5. "The Government is wanting to get its hands on everything. Pretty soon it's going to be impossible to run a family business or farm."

6. "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

7. "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 30 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."

8. "Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."

9. "Also, their music drives me wild. This 'Rock Around The Clock' thing is nothing but racket."

10. "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in Gone With The Wind, it seems every movie has a 'hell' or 'damn' in it."

11. "Also, it won't be long until couples are sleeping in the same bed in the movies. What is this world coming to?"

12. "Marilyn Monroe is now showing her bra and panties, so apparently there are no standards anymore."

13. "Pretty soon you won't be able to buy a good 10 cent cigar."

14. "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

15. "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."

16. "Do you suppose television will ever reach our part of the country?"

17. "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."

18. "It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."

19. "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."

20. "Marriage doesn't mean a thing anymore. Those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."

21. "I'll tell you one thing. If my kids ever talk back to me, they won't be able to sit down for a week."

22. "Did you know the new church in town is allowing women to wear slacks to their service?"

23. "Next thing you know is, the government will start paying us not to grow crops."

24. "I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."

25. "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."

26. "Why in the world would you want to send your daughter to college? Isn't she going to get married? It would be different if she could be a doctor or a lawyer."

27. "I just hate to see the young people smoking. As I tell my kids, "Don't take a cigarette from ANYONE. You never know what might be in it."

28. "The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."

29. "There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."

30. "Anymore, no one can afford to be sick, $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."

31. "If a few idiots want to risk their necks flying across the country that's fine, but nothing will ever replace trains."

32. "I don't know about you but if they raise the price of coffee to 15 cents, I'll just have to drink mine at home."

33. "If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it. I'll have my wife learn to cut hair."

34. "We won't be going out much anymore. Our baby sitter informed us she wants 50 cents an hour. These kids think money grows on trees."

35. "Cars which dim their lights by sensors, automatic transmissions, and who knows what else? Pretty soon they will drive themselves."

 

Employee evaluations

               Quotes taken from actual employee evaluations: 

1.      "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

2.     "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3.     "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."

4. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts, the better."

Engineering Phrases (And what they really mean)

Customer satisfaction is believed to be assured. (We're so far behind schedule that the customer will settle for anything.)

Please see me / Let's discuss it. (I need your help. I've screwed up again.)

The project is in process. (It's so tied up in red tape that it's completely hopeless.)

We're trying a number of different approaches. (We're still guessing, at this point.)

Close project coordination. (We met together and had coffee.)

Years of development. (It finally worked.)

Energy saving. (Turn off the power to save electricity.)

We'll have to abandon the entire concept. (The only person who understood the thing just quit.)

We had a major technological breakthrough. (It's boring, but it looks high tech.)

We're preparing a report with a fresh approach. (We just hired a couple of kids out of college.)

Preliminary operational tests proved inconclusive. (It blew up when we flipped the switch.)

Test results proved extremely gratifying. (Yahoo! It actually worked.)

Tell us what you are thinking. (We'll listen, but if it disagrees with what we've already done or are planning to do, forget it.)

No maintenance. (If it breaks, we can't fix it.)

Low maintenance. (If it breaks, we're not likely able to fix it.)

All new. (None of the parts are interchangeable with the previous design.)

Rugged. (Needs major equipment to lift it.)

Robust. (More than rugged.)

Light weight. (A little less than rugged.)

Fax it to me. (I'm too lazy to write it down.)