IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH YOUR COMPUTER, BELOW SOME SUGGESTIONS

Computer Gender

Women claim that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
Men concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Celebrity Computer Viruses

Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer.
Ronald Reagan virus: Saves your data, but  forgets where it is stored.
Mike Tyson  virus: Quits after one byte.
Oprah Winfrey  virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB,  and then slowly expands to 300MB.
Lorena Bobbit  virus: Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.
Dr.  Jack Kevorkian virus: Searches your hard drive for old files  and deletes them.
Ellen Degeneres virus: Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.
Titanic virus: Makes your  whole computer go down.
Disney  virus: Everything in the computer goes Goofy.
Prozac  virus: Screws up your RAM  but your processor doesn't care.
Sharon Stone  virus: Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's  there.
Tim Allen virus: Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.
HBO  virus: Runs the same programs over and over, week after week after week.
Woody Allen  virus: Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.
NFL Blackout virus: Will  only let you run progams on a remote terminal that's more than 75  miles away.
Linda Tripp virus: Makes copies of your  personal files and forwards them to the authorities.
Bill Clinton  virus: Won't let you query the system for information.
Rush Limbaugh virus: Biases everything  to the right.
Ken Starr virus: Expands a focused  search of a specific file into a global interregation of every  existing file. Creates links between unrelated data.  Works extremely slow while searching and compiling results.
Al Gore  virus: Runs quietly in background mode  but doesn't appear to really do much of anything.
Saddam Hussein  virus: Won't let you into any of your programs.
Tonya  Harding virus: Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.
George Michael virus: Runs its course,  occasionally releasing excess data buildup.
Joey Buttafuoco  virus: Only attacks minor files.
Jerry Seinfeld  virus: Program about nothing that exits  when you're really enjoying it.
David Caruso NYPD Blue virus:   After running successfully for a while, it exits the program it was in and never works again.
Pee Wee Herman virus: Exposes your confidential files to everyone.
X-files  virus: All your Icons start  shape shifting.
Spice Girl virus: Has no real  function, but makes a pretty desktop.
AT&T  virus: Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
Arnold Schwarzenegger  virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

Computer Diagnosis

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

From the WordPerfect Help Desk

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.  Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
".......Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in  from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

Girlfriend 1.0 -> Wife 1.0

MEMORANDUM RE: Computer Software Warning
Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the productbrochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 8.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0. - A 'Don't remind me again' button - Minimize button - An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources. - An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful.
I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with GirlFriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install GirlFriend 2.0 on top of GirlFriend 1.0. You must uninstall GirlFriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of GirlFriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, The uninstall program for GirlFriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another thing that sucks - all versions of GirlFriend continually pop up little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0
***** BUG WARNING ******** Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.
*** BUG WORK-AROUNDS *************** To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have beenknown to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.

ONE ROUND MORE WITH BLODES JOKES

Q: What stops then goes then stops then goes?
A: A blonde at a blinking red light.

Q: Did you hear about Pepsi's new soda just for blondes?
A: It has "open other end" printed on the bottom.

Q: Why do blondes always rapidly flap their hands towards theirs ears?
A: They're refuelling.

Q: Why did the blonde purchase an AM radio?
A: She didn't want one for nights.

Q: What about the blonde who gave birth to twins?
A: Her husband is out looking for the other man.

Q: Did you hear about the dead blonde in the closet?
A: She was last years hide and seek winner.

Q: What is dumber than a brunette building a fire under the water?
A: A blonde trying to put it out.

Q: Why did the blonde buy a brown cow?
A: To get chocolate milk.

Q: What do you call a blonde with a brand new PC?
A: A dumb terminal.

Q: Why are blonde jokes so easy to understand?
A: So brunettes can understand them.

Q: How did the blond burn her ear?
A: The phone rang while she was ironing.

Q: There are 17 blonds standing outside a disco but why couldn't they get in?
A: The sign said "must be 18 to enter".

Q: Why are there no brunette jokes?
A: Because blondes would have to think them up.

Q: How does a blonde make instant pudding?
A: She places the box in the microwave and looks for the "instant pudding setting" button.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"?
A: When she got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopedia.

Q: What do you call 24 blondes in a cardboard box?
A: A case of empties.

I Want Some Milk

Gloria the blonde once heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman Alan to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When Alan read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the order.

Gloria came to the door, and Alan said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"

Gloria said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

Alan asked, "Oh, alright, would you like it pasteurized?"

Gloria replied, "No, just up to my waist."

Buying a New Farm

A blonde and a brunette decide to start a farm together. They add up their life savings into a total of $200.00.

Then, the blonde decided to purchase a bull with it. The brunette agrees, and so the brunette leaves to go find the perfect bull. When she does she is to telegram the blonde and tell her to come get it.

Finally, the brunette find the bull of her dreams. The farmer says he wants $200 for it. The brunette, thinking she can get a better deal, says no to his offer.

The farmer says, "Alright then, I'll give you a great deal, how about $199.00?"

The brunette accepts and buys the bull. She has $1.00 left for the telegram. The telegram guy says, "It's $1.00 per word." The brunette thinks about this and says,"Comfortable, write that."

"Comfortable?" the guy questions.

"Yes, you see she reads slow."

I Want to Buy That

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

Are You Really Sure?

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Blonde Car Accident

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

Rowing Your Boat

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"

To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."

Blonde Sky Divers

A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.

The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens.

She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.

The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"

Blinkers

One day a Blonde was going down the road in her car when she sees a car accident. She comes to a stop 2 miles down the road because she hit the gas instead of the breaks.
The Blonde then proceeds to pull out 2 naked cardboard men that she put long coats on. She then sets them up along side the road.
After an hour passes and traffic backs up 12 miles, a cop comes by. The cop pulls over onto the side of the road. He steps out and asks the woman what those cardboard things are for. She says, "Oh nothing sir, these are just my emergency flashers."

Don't lie to mirrors

There once was a magic mirror which would kill your if you lied to it. One day a brunette was doing her makeup and said to herself "I think I'm the smartest woman ever!" She immediately dropped dead. The next day a redhead was doing her hair and said to herself "I think I'm the prettiest woman alive!" She immediately dropped dead. Finally, the following day, a blond was flossing her teeth. She stopped and said to herself "I think," and dropped dead.

The Future - As Seen In 1960 

 

1. "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20."

2. "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5000 will only buy a used one."

3. "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

4. "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging dime just to mail a letter?"

5. "The Government is wanting to get its hands on everything. Pretty soon it's going to be impossible to run a family business or farm."

6. "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

7. "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 30 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."

8. "Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."

9. "Also, their music drives me wild. This 'Rock Around The Clock' thing is nothing but racket."

10. "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in Gone With The Wind, it seems every movie has a 'hell' or 'damn' in it."

11. "Also, it won't be long until couples are sleeping in the same bed in the movies. What is this world coming to?"

12. "Marilyn Monroe is now showing her bra and panties, so apparently there are no standards anymore."

13. "Pretty soon you won't be able to buy a good 10 cent cigar."

14. "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

15. "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."

16. "Do you suppose television will ever reach our part of the country?"

17. "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."

18. "It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."

19. "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."

20. "Marriage doesn't mean a thing anymore. Those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."

21. "I'll tell you one thing. If my kids ever talk back to me, they won't be able to sit down for a week."

22. "Did you know the new church in town is allowing women to wear slacks to their service?"

23. "Next thing you know is, the government will start paying us not to grow crops."

24. "I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."

25. "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."

26. "Why in the world would you want to send your daughter to college? Isn't she going to get married? It would be different if she could be a doctor or a lawyer."

27. "I just hate to see the young people smoking. As I tell my kids, "Don't take a cigarette from ANYONE. You never know what might be in it."

28. "The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."

29. "There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."

30. "Anymore, no one can afford to be sick, $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."

31. "If a few idiots want to risk their necks flying across the country that's fine, but nothing will ever replace trains."

32. "I don't know about you but if they raise the price of coffee to 15 cents, I'll just have to drink mine at home."

33. "If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it. I'll have my wife learn to cut hair."

34. "We won't be going out much anymore. Our baby sitter informed us she wants 50 cents an hour. These kids think money grows on trees."

35. "Cars which dim their lights by sensors, automatic transmissions, and who knows what else? Pretty soon they will drive themselves."

 

Employee evaluations

               Quotes taken from actual employee evaluations: 

1.      "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

2.     "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3.     "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."

4. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts, the better."

Engineering Phrases (And what they really mean)

Customer satisfaction is believed to be assured. (We're so far behind schedule that the customer will settle for anything.)

Please see me / Let's discuss it. (I need your help. I've screwed up again.)

The project is in process. (It's so tied up in red tape that it's completely hopeless.)

We're trying a number of different approaches. (We're still guessing, at this point.)

Close project coordination. (We met together and had coffee.)

Years of development. (It finally worked.)

Energy saving. (Turn off the power to save electricity.)

We'll have to abandon the entire concept. (The only person who understood the thing just quit.)

We had a major technological breakthrough. (It's boring, but it looks high tech.)

We're preparing a report with a fresh approach. (We just hired a couple of kids out of college.)

Preliminary operational tests proved inconclusive. (It blew up when we flipped the switch.)

Test results proved extremely gratifying. (Yahoo! It actually worked.)

Tell us what you are thinking. (We'll listen, but if it disagrees with what we've already done or are planning to do, forget it.)

No maintenance. (If it breaks, we can't fix it.)

Low maintenance. (If it breaks, we're not likely able to fix it.)

All new. (None of the parts are interchangeable with the previous design.)

Rugged. (Needs major equipment to lift it.)

Robust. (More than rugged.)

Light weight. (A little less than rugged.)

Fax it to me. (I'm too lazy to write it down.)

Top ten things that sound dirty, but in the office aren't:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.

9. Mind if I use your laptop?

8. Just stick it in my box.

7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!

6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!

5. Hmm, I think it's out of fluid.

4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.

3. It's an entry-level position.

2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

1. It's not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!!!

Politically correct ways to say someone is stupid

1. Light's on but nobody is home. 

2. A brick shy of a full load. 

3. Doesn't have all of their dogs barking. 

4. Not the brightest crayon in the box. 

5. Not the sharpest knife in the draw. 

6. A few clowns short of a circus. 

7. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. 

8. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity. 

9. A few beers short of a six-pack. 

10. Dumber than a box of hair. 

11. A few peas short of a casserole. 

12. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box. 

13. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. 

14. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl. 

15. One taco short of a combination plate. 

16. A few feathers short of a whole duck. 

17. All foam, no beer. 

18. The cheese slid off his cracker. 

19. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel. 

20. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt. 

21. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. 

22. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. 

23. He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. 

24. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. 

25. As smart as bait. 

26. Chimney's clogged. 

27. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash. 

28. Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair. 

29. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor. 

30. Forgot to pay his brain bill. 

31. Her sewing machine's out of thread. 

32. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels. 

33. His belt doesn't go through all the loops. 

34. If he had another brain, it would be lonely. 

35. Missing a few buttons on his remote control. 

36. No grain in the silo. 

37. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. 

38. Receiver is off the hook. 

39. Several nuts short of a full pouch. 

40. Skylight leaks a little. 

41. Slinky's kinked. 

42. Surfing in Nebraska. 

43. Too much yardage between the goal posts. 

44. In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little farther apart than most. 

45. As bright as a 1/2 watt bulb. 

46. As swift as roadkill rabbit. 

47. As sharp as a butter knife. 

48. As swift as a sailboat on a calm day. 

49. As bright as a bag of hammers.

Most common lies

1. I won't laugh. I promise.

2. Your table will be ready in a few minutes.

3. I never got your text.

4. I have read and agreed to the terms and conditions.

5. You will need to know this later in life.

6. No, I'm OK. I'm just tired.

7. OK, just one more episode.

8. I'm on my way.

9. Sorry, my parents said no.

10. I'm just kidding.

The Ten Ifs of Employment

1. If it rings, put it on hold.

2. If it clunks, call the repairman.

3. If it whistles, ignore it.

4. If it's a friend, stop work and chat.

5. If it's the boss, look busy.

6. If it talks, take notes.

7. If it's handwritten, type it.

8. If it's typed, copy it.

9. If it's copied, file it.

10. If it's Friday, forget it!

10 Things Never to Say to a Taller Woman

10. "You must be a model!" (This line shows that you're not trying very hard, even if you clarify up front that you're only asking because she's really rilly pretty.)

9. "You can't be 5'10". I'm 5'10"!" (It's one thing to lie about your height while you're sitting down or on an Internet profile. When you say this to someone who has to lean down to hear it, you're busted.)


8. "Is it hard for you to meet people taller than you?" (If she has to explain the bell curve to you, you might not be an intellectual match.)

7. "Now there's a tree I'd like to climb." (Yummeh.)

6. "How do you kiss?" (Or the skin-crawling subset: "Wow, I feel like I'm the girl!" You do realize that kissing doesn't require her to use her legs, right?)

5. "I could eat my way to the top." (Stop. Just stop.)

4. "How tall are you, anyway?" (Think about it: Whatever she answers won't make much difference, except that you'll look sorta insecure for having asked. Use some deductive reasoning and you should be able to guess within an inch or two.)

3. "How do you wear heels?" (Like everyone else: one foot at a time. She looks even better when she does it, shortstack.)

2. "It won't matter much when we're lying down." (Only a fool would invite commentary on the inches that do make a difference during horizontal integration.)

1. "Do you play basketball?" (People don't ask "Do you play professional baseball?" just because you're paunchy and chew tobacco. Pay it forward by giving tall women the same courtesy.)

Bad Date Signs

1. Not only is she a little young, but you're sure that you used to date her mother....

2. You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little league with her....

3. She has a thicker mustache than you....

4. When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract describing your duties and restrictions....

5. Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system....

6. At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good for a free shot of penicillin at the nearest clinic....

7. She beats up some guy for making fun of your hair cut....

8. At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house, and her pimp is waiting there with your bill....

9. She informs you that you can't go out again because her spirit guide doesn't like you....

10. She informs you that you can't go out again because her boyfriend doesn't like you....

Phrases Useful in the Workplace

1. Thank you - we're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

5. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't care.

6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and inexperienced.

7. What am I - flypaper for freaks!?

8. I'm not being rude. I'm just ignoring you.

9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of calories to burn off.

12. Yes, he is an agent of Satan, but his duties are largely ceremonial.

13. No, my powers can only be used for good.

14. How about never? Is never good for you?

15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people realize I'm right.

16. Your idea seems reasonable... Time to up my medication.

17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

25. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

The Top 15 Signs Your Classmate Is a Stripper

15 Her grades aren't the only things that appear to have been inflated.

14 Psychs herself up for tests with quiet self-affirmations of "I'm good enough... I'm smart enough..." -- in gym class.

13 You: Studying for the bar exam.
 Her: Studying for the pole exam.

12 When it's time to pass out tests, he motions the professor to tuck it into his underwear.

11 In econ class, she's always willing to show her recession-proof models.

10 She asks if you want to buy her a $15 pencil.

9 Turns in a thesis titled "A Study in Microeconomics: Japanese Businessmen Are Sick Bastards, but Tip Huge."

8 A lot of classmates stagger into 8 a.m. classes reeking of booze and cigarettes, but *he* doesn't belong to a fraternity.

7 Each time you lean sideways to whisper a humorously flirtatious comment to her during class, a jealous Ben Affleck smacks your head from the row behind and asks, "How many Oscars have *you* won, tough guy?"

6 She just did something with a No. 2 pencil that you never dreamt possible.

5 She gets an A on her midterm, even though it's the professor who did the cramming last night.

4 Her graduation cap has two tassels and she can make them rotate in opposite directions.

3 She *always* has change for a twenty.

2 When you ask to see her notes from last week's class, she replies, "Only in the VIP room, buster."

1 It takes her three songs to change for gym class.

Driving Test Answers

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the driving school.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too shit-faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be a dickhead all day long.

25 Signs That You've Grown Up

1. Your potted plants are alive.

2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup. 

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7. 

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.

10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. 

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. 

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's. 

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
 
17. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one. 

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach. 

19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits. 

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'. 

21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time. 

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to." replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again". 

23. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 

24. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar. 

25. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you.