Showing posts with label translation. Show all posts

Monday, February 25, 2013

Message From The Bar Staff

Please remember to order one drink at a time as we like to run backwards and forwards, it keeps us fit.

When ordering a round please make sure that you don't know what you want when you arrive at the bar. We like to stand and wait while you nip back & forth or shout across the room to find out, (although we do find that other customers who have been waiting for 1/2 an hour tend to start moaning, but hey, that's not your problem!)

Once you have received two drinks please take them back to your table and stay for a quick chat before coming back to pay. We'll still be waiting, we're not going anywhere and we appreciate the rest.

Always order stout last. We really want you to stand at the bar with all your other drinks while it settles, and are particularly pleased when we forget about it and have to be reminded to top it up.

Never put money in our hands. We like to pick it up off the bar, especially if it's all in change in a puddle of beer.

Never say please or thank you - the shock could bring on a heart attack.

Always wait until we have rung your round into the till before asking for crisps, nuts, snacks etc.

When requiring Ready Salted crisps please ensure that you ask for the full range of flavors available before asking for 'plain' - it helps us learn the stock.

If you have been waiting at the bar for at least two minutes please heckle us and tell us you have been there for 1/2 an hour - it keeps us on our toes as we have no concept of time.

Can we remind you that the bell is there just to make sure you are awake - we don't want you to come to the bar for last orders until two minutes past eleven when we have turned the lights off.

If not 'of the faith' when spotting the water jug on the bar please shout ' what's that, holy water?' - although we have heard it a million times before we never cease to find it hilarious.

When buying a pint for Tom, Colin etc. please don't ask them what they want - just tell us their name and point out where they're standing because we like to guess and get such a thrill when we get it right.

Things That Are Difficult To Say When You're Drunk

a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have zero co-ordination.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.

And as an added extra;
"I must be going home now as I have work in the morning."

Warning

If government is going to put health warning labels on beer, wine and liquor, let's at least have a little truthfulness about the matter!

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants (panties) anyway.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer, and smarter than some really, really huge biker guy named "Big Al".

Philosophy Of Beer

A professor stood before his Philosophy 101 class and some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous - - yes.

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - - your family, your partner, your health, your children, your friends, your favorite passions - - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full."

"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else - - the small stuff."

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. Play another 18. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal."

"Take care of the golf balls first - - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled.

"I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers!

Classic Bar One Liners

Jesus Christ walks into a bar. He hands the bartender three nails, and asks "Can you put me up for the night?"

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra....

A seal walked into a club.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says "Pint please, and one for the road."

A Priest, a Rabbi and a Minister walk into a bar. The Bartender looks up an says ... "What, Is this some kind of a joke?"

A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer.................................................................................................................................................... and some of those peanuts."

The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Get out! We don't want your type in here"

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

A Russian, a Frenchman, and a Canadian walk into a bar. The Russian asks the bartender for vodka, so he gives him an entire bottle. The Russian pours out a shot, drinks it, and throws the rest of the bottle into the air and shoots it. The bartender asks, "What did you do that for?" and the Russian replies, "In my country, we have too much vodka."

The bartender shakes his head and turns to the Frenchman, who orders wine. The Frenchman pours a glass, drinks it, then throws the rest of the bottle in the air and shoots it to smithereens. "In my country," he says, "we have too much wine."

The bartender shakes his head again, and turns hesitantly to the Canadian to ask him what he would like.

Cop-speak Translated

While on routine patrol...
I was in the car because the coffee shop was closed.

The motorist was operating his vehicle in a reckless manner
He had a bumper sticker that said "SLOW DOWN-DON'T FEED THE PIGS"

The accident scene and the safety of the victims prevented this officer from doing traffic control
It was raining.

This officer went out-of-service to obtain intelligence information from a street informant.
It was too hot to ride in the car.

I observed the suspect acting in a suspicious manner...
The dirt-bag let go with an "Oink" as I walked by.

Knowing the suspect had a criminal history...
He puked on my uniform one night...

The informant is of known credibility and has provided reliable information in the past...
I've got two theft cases hanging over his head...

While being arrested, this subject resisted and was injured in the act...
He ripped my shirt and broke my new mirror sunglasses...

The motorist was cited for multiple traffic violations...
I wrote one citation for each swear-word he used...

Upon announcing my title and purpose, I heard a voice from inside the house say "Come in" so this writer entered through the door...
The rock music was so loud they wouldn't have heard Patton's army so I kicked in the door.

The members of the press at the scene were offered every courtesy within departmental policies...
I sent then to a nonexistent address which I called the "Command Post".

The Chief appeared at the scene and took command...
I sent him to the same address as the reporters.

I gave the motorist a verbal warning for speeding...
She was a good-looking blonde who owned a liquor store and who was free after my shift was over.

Further interview of the witness was impossible, due to conditions.
It was my bowling night...

The motorist eyes were glassy, he had slurred speech , was unsteady on his feet, and smelled strongly of an alcoholic beverage.
He was howling at the moon and trying to drive the car from the back seat.

Using only enough force to restrain the subject...
My favorite song is "Drop-kick me Jesus Through the Goal Post of Life"

The defendant asked this officer's advice on how to act before the judge at his arraignment...
I told him he didn't have the balls to call the judge the same name he called me.

The Canadian orders a beer, drinks the whole bottle in one go, then pulls out his gun and shoots the Frenchman. "In my country," he says, "we have too many Frenchmen."

You Might Be A Cop If...

You have the bladder capacity of five people.

You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.

You believe that 25% of people are a waste of protoplasm.

Your idea of a good time is a robbery at shift change.

You call for a CCH on anyone that is friendly toward you.

You think it is perfectly normal to discuss dismemberment over a gourmet meal.

You can identify a negative "tattoo to tooth" ratio just by looking at a person.

You find humor in other people's stupidity.

You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac.

You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see.

You have your weekends off planned for a year in advance.

You believe that a "shallow gene pool" should be grounds for an arrest.

You believe that the Government should require a permit to reproduce.

You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, it sure is quiet around here".

You refer to your nightstick as your "Dork Slayer".

You believe that chocolate is a food group.

You take it as a compliment when someone calls you a prick.

You have wanted to hold a seminar on "Suicide, getting it right the first time.,

You believe that "too stupid to live" should be a valid jury verdict.

You have had to put a complainant on hold, while you laugh uncontrollably.

You have wanted a terrorist to deliver a Ryder truck to a particular bar.

You believe the dispatcher is possessed.

You think caffeine should be available in I.V. form.

You're not referring to food when you mention vegetables.

You believe that the holding cell should come with a Valium salt lick.

You have heard: "I have no idea how that got there," on more than a few occasions.

You suddenly realize one night that you are patrolling the Twilight Zone.

You correlate "two beers" with 0.15 BAC.

You have learned a lot about paranoia, simply by following random cars around in your patrol car.

You believe that it is a "good" death only if it involves overtime.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Advertiser Jokes

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.
The Pope says, "What can I do?"
The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."
The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words." So the Colonel hangs up.

After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again. "Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"
And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words."

So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales. The Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican."
The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you."

So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican."
The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news. The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."

One of life's disappointments is discovering that the man who writes the bank's ads is not the one who makes the loans.

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.

The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"
The nine year old replies "Nope, not for my mom."

Without thinking, the cashier responded "Well, they must be for your sister then?"
The nine year old quipped, "Nope, not for my sister either."

The cashier had now become curious "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister, who are they for?"
The nine year old says "They're for my four year old little brother."

The cashier is surprised "Your four year old little brother??"

The nine year old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can't do either of them!"

A young woman, several months pregnant, boarded a bus and sat opposite a young man, he smiled, and feeling embarrassed she changed her seat. But it was to no avail, for the young man smiled even more broadly when she sat down. Again she moved to another seat, he grinned and again after the fourth move, the young man just rolled up and roared with laughter. The woman complained and duly summoned him.

Judge: Well, young man, have you anything to say in your defense against this charge?

The young man: Well, your Honor, when the young lady entered the bus, her condition was obvious. However, that did not prompt my smile, but she sat under an advertisement that read: "Coming shortly - The Gold Rush Twins." The lady seemed indignant when I smiled and she got up and took another seat beneath a shaving stick advertisement, which read: "William's stick did the trick." She moved a third time and sat beneath a poster that read: "Sloane's liniments will remove swelling." It was after she had moved her seat fourth time that I lost control of my merriment for the above was a slogan: "Dunlop Rubber Goods would have prevented this accident."

An advertising team is working very late at night on a project due the next morning. Suddenly, a Genie appears before them and offers to each of them one wish.

The copywriter says: "I've always dreamed of writing the great American novel and having my work studied in schools across the land. I'd like to go to a tropical island where I can concentrate and write my masterpiece."
The Genie says, "No problem!" and poof! The copywriter is gone.

The art director says: "I want to create a painting so beautiful that it would hang in the Louvre Museum in Paris for all the world to admire. I want to go to the French countryside to work on my painting."
The Genie says, "Your wish is granted!" and poof! The art director is gone.

The Genie then turns to the account executive and says, "And what is your wish?"
The account executive says, "I want those two assholes back here right now."

You go to a party and see a sexy girl across the room. You go up to her and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed, what about it?"
That's Direct Marketing.

You go to a party and see a sexy girl across the room. You approach her to get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed, what about it?"
That's Telemarketing.

You go to a party and see a sexy girl across the room. Your friend goes to her and says, "Hi, my friend over there is fantastic in bed, what about it?"
That's Advertising.

You go to a party and see a sexy girl across the room. You get up, straighten your clothes, approach her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after it drops, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.

You go to a party and see a sexy girl across the room. She comes over and says, "Hi, I hear you're fantastic in bed, what about it?"
That's the power of Branding!

Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire public relations officers.

Daniel J. Boorstin

Translation and Advertisement

The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"
Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."
Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."
When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I Saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).
Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.
Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.
Hunt-Wesson introduced Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos. Later they found out that in slang it means "big breasts".
Bank Caixa Econômica Federal in Brazil offered in an advertisment "HOT MONEY" (in english), obviously unaware of the fact that hot money means "Stolen Money" in normal slang.
The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth."
When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you."The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant"

Good times, bad times, there will always be advertising. In good times people want to advertise; in bad times they have to.

Bruce Barton

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.	No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.	We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.	Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.	Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.	Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Père Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Chopin and Jean de la Fontain.	For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.	Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!	Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.
We build bodies that last a lifetime.	Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.	For Sale: parachute, used once, never opened, small stain.

How advertisers do it...

Advertisers do it publicly.
Advertisers do it originally.
Advertisers do it with a lot of noise.
Advertisers do it within thirty seconds.
Advertisers do it with promises to be the best.
Advertisers use the "new, improved" method.
Advertisers just do it.

Insurance Agents Jokes

Three guys are fishing in the Caribbean. One guy says, "I had a terrible fire; lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I'm here."

The second guy says, "I had a terrible explosion; lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I'm here."

The third guy says, "What a coincidence. I had a terrible flood; lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I'm here."

The other guys turned to him with confusion and asked, "Flood? How do you start a flood?"

Life insurance agent to would-be client: "Don't let me frighten you into a hasty decision. Sleep on it tonight. If you wake in the morning, give me a call then and let me know."

"You ought to feel highly honored," said the businessman to the life insurance agent, "so far today I have had my secretary turn away seven insurance agents."
"Yes, I know," replied the agent, "I'm them."

A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.
"We don't need any one," they replied.
"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anytime any thing."
"We have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job."

He was gone for about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for a $80,000 policy and another for a $50,000 policy.
"How in the world did you do that," they asked.
"I told you I'm the world's best salesman, I can sell anyone anywhere anytime."
"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him.
"What's that?" he asked. "Well, if you sell a policy over $40,000 the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."

He was gone for about eight hours and then he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Brown's and this one is Mr. Smith's."
"That's good," they said, "but what's in those two buckets?"
"Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention and I sold them a group policy!"

Car Insurance Excuses

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
I was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.
Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.
I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand through it.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over.
I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

Insurance agents are premium lovers.

Insurance agents do it with third parties.

Policemen Jokes

While the pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream of questioning the pope's authority. So the pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.

They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80 mph, when a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them over, he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it.

The chief asked: "Who is in the limo, the mayor?"
The policeman told him: "No, someone more important than the mayor."

Then the chief asked "Is it the governor?"
The policeman answered: "No, someone more important than the governor."

The chief finally asked: "Is it the President?"
The policeman answered: "No, someone even more important than the President."

This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: "Now who is more important than the President?!"
The policeman calmly whispered: "I'll put it to you this way chief. I don't know who is this guy, but he has the pope as his chauffeur."

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."

"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm too drunk to do that."

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.

The Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 60."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks."

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt."

Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!"
Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife: "No, only when he's drunk."

Late one Friday night a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later ..." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!?"

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."

The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."

The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

"When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least."
"You're wrong, officer, it's only my hat that makes me look that old."

A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?"
"No, I am an undercover detective."
"So why are you in uniform?"
"Today is my day off."

A man was recently flying to New York. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate. "I've got a great policeman joke. Would you like to hear it?"

"I should let you know first that I am a policeman."

"That's OK. I'll tell it really slow!"

A man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?"
"No," says the cop.
"What about all these other cars?"
"They didn't ask!"

Henny Youngman

A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head. He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard" and scratchs out his spelling error. "Head on bouelevard" Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch. "Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch scratch. He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head. "Head on curb."

A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations asked about the prices.

The doctor said, "Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a policeman's brain as well. It costs $50,000."

The client asked, "What? How's that possible?"

The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused."

How many cops does it take to throw a man down the stairs?
None. He fell.

Top 10 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriends night stand.
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes I know there is no other car around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

You Might Be a Cop if...

people shout, "I didn't do it!" when you walk into a room.
your idea of a good time is an armed robbery at shift change.
you disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see.
you believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.
you believe prozac should be added regularly to the water system.
when you mention vegetables, you're not referring to the food group.
you want to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide - getting it right the first time."
you call for a criminal record check on anyone who seems friendly toward you.
you believe anyone who says, "I only had two beers" is going to blow over 150.

you walk into places and people think it's high comedy to seize a co-worker and shout, "They've come to get you...".

How cops do it...

Cops do it by the book.
Cops do it with handcuffs.
Detectives do it under cover.
Policemen do it without a break for 12 hours.

Dentist Jokes

Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, but don't worry it will take just five minutes.
Patient: And how much will it cost?
Dentist: It's $90.00.
Patient: $90.00 for just a few minutes work???
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.

"I came in to make an appointment with the dentist." said the man to the receptionist.

"I'm sorry sir." she replied. "He's out right now, but..."

"Thank you," interrupted the obviously nervous prospective patient. "When will he be out again ?"

A husband and wife entered the dentist's office. The husband said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

"You're a brave man," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."

The husband turns to his wife and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

Dentist begging the patient: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?
Patient: Why? Doc, it isn't all that bad this time.
Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss the 4 o'clock ball game.

Patient: "It must be tough spending all day with your hands in someone's mouth."
Dentist: "I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet."

Patient: "Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?"
Dentist: "Wear a brown tie..."

"I am sorry, madam, but I shall have to charge you hundred dollars for pulling your boy's tooth."
"Hundred dollars! Why, I understood you to say that you charged only twenty dollars for such work!"
"Yes," replied the dentist, "but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared out four other patients out of the office."

What does the dentist of the year get?...A little plaque.

Why did the dentist make a poor date with the manicurist?
Because they fought both tooth and nail!

How dentists do it...

Dentists do it in your mouth.
Dentists do it orally.
Dentists do it with drills and on chairs.
Dentists do it with filling.
Dentists do it and then tell you to spit.

Funny side of the world

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