The Top 14 Signs Your Coworker is a Spy
14. Silently weeps if you forget to turn off the music while playing Tetris.
13. The last sensation felt by anyone "borrowing" a pen is the quick sting of several tiny Punji sticks.
12. No one will carpool with him since that ejector seat incident.
11. He and his girlfriend Natasha keep threatening to "make big trouble for Moose and Squirrel."
10. His twin, who looks just like him except that he wears black, keeps coming in at lunch to booby trap his cubicle.
9. Always trying to convince you that Yakov Smirnoff is actually funny.
8. You could swear he used to look just like Sean Connery, but now he's the spitting image of Pierce Brosnan.
7. "I may ask; would you additionally like a packet of oil-fried potato slices, comrade?"
6. His shoe has a setting for either "Ring" or "Vibrate."
5. She taps that commie pen on her commie desk the same commie way EVERY FRIGGIN' DAY!
4. Last October you helped him ship out 750 boxes of old computer punch cards to addresses all over Florida and the "tip" he promised you was "dump all your stocks."
3. Suspiciously never complains about the temperature in the office.
2. He asks you to pull his finger -- until it clicks.
1. He introduces himself as "Bond... Jame-- Er, Finkelmeyer... Junius Finkelmeyer."
Financial Terminology
In case you were not aware of the new financial terminology:
EBITDA (formerly stood for Earnings before Interest Expenses, Taxes,
Depreciation and Amortization) - Now stands for "Earnings before I Tricked Dumb Auditor".
EBIT (Earnings before Interest and Taxes) - Now stands for "Earnings before Irregularities and Tampering".
CEO (Chief Executive Officer) - Now stands for "Chief Embezzlement Officer".
CFO (Chief Financial Officer) - Now stands for "Corporate Fraud Officer".
NAV (Net Asset Value) - Now stands for "Normal Andersen Valuation".
EPS (Earnings per Share) - Now stands for "Eventual Prison Sentence".
How bad a mistake
How bad a mistake can you make on your resume? Here are some reportedly real life examples:
"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
"Education: Curses in liberal arts, computer science, and curses in accounting."
"Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."
"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
"I am a rabid typist."
"Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."
"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for
business."
"Proven ability to track down and correct errors."
"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely
no one."
"References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."
"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."
"Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously; they were
unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."
"I am loyal to my employer at all costs...Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voicemail."
"Qualifications: No education or experience."
"Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."
"Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."
"Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"
Corporate Recreation Preferences
The National Science Foundation announced the following study results on corporate America recreation preferences:
1. Sport of choice for maintenance level employees: bowling.
2. Sport of choice for front line workers: football.
3. Sport of choice for supervisors: baseball.
4. Sport of choice for middle management: tennis.
5. Sport of choice for corporate officers: golf.
CONCLUSION:
The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls.
THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK
15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning a new paradigm!"
11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"
9. "Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I
learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.
8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."
7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our
biggest problem."
6. "The coffee machine is broken...."
5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
2. "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."
AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:
"Amen"
The Top 16 Euphemisms for Slacking at Work
15. De-nosing the grindstone
14. Training for a career in management
13. Notworking
12. Awaiting awkward discovery prior to pursuing new opportunities elsewhere
11. Conserving the midnight oil
10. Testing the corporate firewall's ability to stop indecent images
9. Consulting
8. Battling the dreaded the Minesweeper virus
7. Defragging the brain drive
6. Reaping the rewards of superior delegation
5. In conference with the Olsen twins
4. Visiting Crawford
3. Letting opportunity open its own damn door
2. Zero-tasking
1. Enabling real-time back-end utilization
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