The Top 14 Signs Your Coworker is a Spy

14. Silently weeps if you forget to turn off the music while playing Tetris.

13. The last sensation felt by anyone "borrowing" a pen is the quick sting of several tiny Punji sticks.

12. No one will carpool with him since that ejector seat incident.

11. He and his girlfriend Natasha keep threatening to "make big trouble for Moose and Squirrel."

10. His twin, who looks just like him except that he wears black, keeps coming in at lunch to booby trap his cubicle.

9. Always trying to convince you that Yakov Smirnoff is actually funny.

8. You could swear he used to look just like Sean Connery, but now he's the spitting image of Pierce Brosnan.

7. "I may ask; would you additionally like a packet of oil-fried potato slices, comrade?"

6. His shoe has a setting for either "Ring" or "Vibrate."

5. She taps that commie pen on her commie desk the same commie way EVERY FRIGGIN' DAY!

4. Last October you helped him ship out 750 boxes of old computer punch cards to addresses all over Florida and the "tip" he promised you was "dump all your stocks."

3. Suspiciously never complains about the temperature in the office.

2. He asks you to pull his finger -- until it clicks.

1. He introduces himself as "Bond... Jame-- Er, Finkelmeyer... Junius Finkelmeyer."

Financial Terminology

In case you were not aware of the new financial terminology:

EBITDA (formerly stood for Earnings before Interest Expenses, Taxes,
Depreciation and Amortization) - Now stands for "Earnings before I Tricked Dumb Auditor".

EBIT (Earnings before Interest and Taxes) - Now stands for "Earnings before Irregularities and Tampering".

CEO (Chief Executive Officer) - Now stands for "Chief Embezzlement Officer".

CFO (Chief Financial Officer) - Now stands for "Corporate Fraud Officer".

NAV (Net Asset Value) - Now stands for "Normal Andersen Valuation".

EPS (Earnings per Share) - Now stands for "Eventual Prison Sentence".

How bad a mistake

How bad a mistake can you make on your resume? Here are some reportedly real life examples:

"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

"Education: Curses in liberal arts, computer science, and curses in accounting."

"Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."

"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

"I am a rabid typist."

"Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."

"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for
business."

"Proven ability to track down and correct errors."

"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely
no one."

"References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."

"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."

"Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously; they were
unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."

"I am loyal to my employer at all costs...Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voicemail."

"Qualifications: No education or experience."

"Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."

"Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."

"Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"

Corporate Recreation Preferences

The National Science Foundation announced the following study results on corporate America recreation preferences: 

1. Sport of choice for maintenance level employees: bowling.

2. Sport of choice for front line workers: football.

3. Sport of choice for supervisors: baseball.

4. Sport of choice for middle management: tennis.

5. Sport of choice for corporate officers: golf.

CONCLUSION:

The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls.

THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK

15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 

14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to." 

13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper" 

12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning a new paradigm!" 

11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!" 

10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance" 

9. "Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I
learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend. 

8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress." 

7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our
biggest problem." 

6. "The coffee machine is broken...."

5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot." 

4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!" 

3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!" 

2. "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands." 

AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

"Amen"

The Top 16 Euphemisms for Slacking at Work

16. Thinking outside the cube

15. De-nosing the grindstone

14. Training for a career in management

13. Notworking

12. Awaiting awkward discovery prior to pursuing new opportunities elsewhere

11. Conserving the midnight oil

10. Testing the corporate firewall's ability to stop indecent images

9. Consulting

8. Battling the dreaded the Minesweeper virus

7. Defragging the brain drive

6. Reaping the rewards of superior delegation

5. In conference with the Olsen twins

4. Visiting Crawford

3. Letting opportunity open its own damn door

2. Zero-tasking

1. Enabling real-time back-end utilization

How to Tell if You're a Woman

1. You're a Bitch. 

2. When asked "Is something bothering you?" you reply "no," then get pissed off when you are believed. 

3. You become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him, and immediately expect him to stop this behaviour. 

4. You always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening. 

5. You always hide very important events in very unimportant terms so you can have something to be pissed about when your boyfriend declines because he has pressing business. For example, you say "It's no big deal, but I was wondering if you would like to visit my parents with me if you are not busy this weekend," when you mean "It means a great deal to me for you to see my family with me this weekend - whether it is possible or not!" 

6. You whine. 

7. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost superhuman level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep it's because he is lazy. 

8. No matter what the activity, he doesn't do it as well as a past boyfriend. 

9. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you. 

10. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you. 

11. You complain. 

12. You hate any bar he likes. 

13. You demand to be treated as an equal in everything - except when paying for meals, airplane tickets, concerts, beers, clothes, etc. - these are required gifts proving his love. 

14. You declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all the stress of your life. 

15. Any woman who so much as stares at your boyfriend is labelled a WHORE, and your network of friends is informed immediately to spread this 'fact' as quickly as possible. 

16. You make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs.

17. You break into tears for no apparent reason, then use number 2. 

18. You ask for help in some endeavour then become livid when it is given. 

19. You insinuate yourself into your boyfriend's group of friends, break up with him, then make sure you are present at every gathering for the next month just to rub it in. 

20. You must have two sets of clothes: your "Fat Clothes" and your "Clothes I'm Going to Fit In Someday, I Swear". Still, you don't like any of them. 

21. (Corollary to #4) You have three closets (plus two dressers and six boxes) full of clothes, yet you stand in front of them for three hours before an important dinner declaring, "I have nothing to wear." 

22. You actually like the Lifetime cable channel. 

23. Girls Night Out is a special treat. Boys Night Out is forbidden.

25 more things you will never here a women say

1. You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me. 

2. I know I'm sore and my parents are in the other room, I still want you right now! 

3. This porno scene is boring, fast forward to the more action. 

4. Don't get up, I kinda like sleeping in the wetspot 

5. Don't dirty up your T-shirt wiping that up, use my blouse 

6. That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch porno's again? 

7. I bet it would be kinky to watch you with our baby sitter Tracy. 

8. You're my daddy, you're my daddy! 

9. The new girl in my office is a stripper, I invited her over for dinner on Friday.

10. Honey, did you leave that skid in the toilet bowl? Good one!

11. While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover. 

12. Bar food again!? Kick ass.

13. I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your Ex girlfriend has class. 

14. That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am, Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her. 

15. I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more. 

16. I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a wonderful Valentines day!

17. Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore. 

18. I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want 'em?

19. It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers. 

20. Honey come here! Watch me do a Tequila Shot off of Stephanie's bare ass! 

21. My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another round for you and your friends. 

22. I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again. 

23. Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch. You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya' big silly! 

24. You are so much smarter than my father. 

25. If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch Sportscenter.

Vocabulary: Female vs. Male

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's
partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a
weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured
makes "look bigger."
male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, home run,
or goal.
Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's
girlfriend.


ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything that can be done while drinking

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and
male bonding.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 1/2
minutes.

The Top 14 Signs that your online relationship isn't working out

14. You discover that "Chesty McBust" isn't her real name, and she's dialing in from Langley, VA.

 

13. You: Large, hairy man.

Your online girlfriend: Large, hairy man. 

12. Her postmaster rejects your e-mail not as "undeliverable" but as "unlikely to get you anywhere." 

11. After months of shared experiences and emotional investments, she attacks you in the Mines of Quarn with a +5 Vorpal Sword when she learns you're worth 45,000 points. 

10. "Returned mail: User unknown and never wants to hear from you again."

9. Your cyberlover is just too busy editing that silly little Top 5 List.

8. Getting perhaps a bit too comfortable, she lets a reference to cutting her chin shaving slip by.

7. You discover that she has been cutting & pasting her time.

6. You can barely make out your SO's face in the JPEG she sent because she's obscured by her 25 cats.

5. He claims to be the richest man in the world, but his GIF looks like some geek who works for a software company.

4. Since her first e-mail, Make.Money.Fast!@cyber-promotions.com has become cold and distant.

3. She's suddenly changed her address to comingout@lesbian.com

2. Ken Starr launches an investigation into your relationship with the mysterious tubby@whitehouse.gov

1. In an ironic twist of fate, you discover that the object of your affection is a curvaceous 18 year old, rather than the geeky 14 year old boy she'd pretended to be.

Prison vs Work

 

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.

AT WORK...you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK...they are called managers.

Spending too much time on the computer?

Here are some commom indicators:

1. You accidentally enter your computer password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get
''long-service to the company'' awards.

AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE...

13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your friends.

15. You got this e-mail from a friend who never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.

16. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9.

17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No. 9.

18. AND NOW YOU'RE LAUGHING at yourself.

Finally:

19. You've read this before.

15 things to do on a bus

1. Pretend you are saving the seat next to you for your
invisible friend, and if anyone tries to sit on the seat,
scream, "Don't sit on Jake!"

2. When someone tries to get on the bus, tell them there is
another bus behind.

3. Say to someone you have never met before,"Oh my god! It's
been ages since I've seen you! How's John and Katy? It must have
been about 3 years"etc. See if they pretend to know you.

4. Shout, "FIRE!", and when everyone gets off the bus, you will
get a seat.

5. Throw popcorn at people, and when they look at you, whistle
and hum so it is obvious that you are pretending you didn't do
it.

6. Make a pass at the person sitting next to you.

7. Speak really loudly into your mobile, just saying, "yes. No.
Maybe. Pass. I dunno" etc.

8. Hold up the bus using your finger as a gun.

9. Use your bus pass as a FBI/Police card, and show it to
everyone.

10. tell the person next to you about how sick you get on buses
11. Keep shouting, "I need to go to the toilet!"

12. Offer your seat to someone, and when they try to take it,sit
down quickly and say,"MINE!"

13. Do the Full Monty, if you dare!

14. Say to someone, "I know what you did!",or "I know where you
live" etc. in an evil voice.

15. Put your walkman on really loudly and dance in a crazy way.

Funny quotes

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
-Steve Bluestone-

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and
anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
-George Carlin-

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five
miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where
the hell she is.
-Ellen DeGeneres-

It's not hard to tell we was poor when you saw the toilet paper
dryin' on the clothesline.
-George Lindsey-

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock
every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there
picking the locks, they are always locking three.
-Elayne Boosler-

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
-John Mendoza-

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to
use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet.
That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us
from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
-Jeff Stilson-

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain
all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
-Jerry Seinfeld-

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say
because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother
is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
-Ellen DeGeneres-

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
-Lily Tomlin-

Quotes

- When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a
great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people
ask me if I'm leaving. 

- Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came
back the entire area was missing. 

- It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

- I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said,
"Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know where
sleep is." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of
tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and
just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and
she said, "I thought I told you to go to sleep." 

- I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because
that means it's going to be up all night.

- When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you
sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

- Earlier today I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept
wandering.

- One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in
somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all
over the world. 

- My girlfriend does her nails with whiteout. When she's asleep,
I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

- I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called
Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't
find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they
were! 

- I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She
looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored
socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same
because I go by thickness."

- I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. You turn on
the record, put the headphones on and learn Spanish in your
sleep; during the night the record got stuck. The next day I
could only stutter in Spanish.

- Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

- Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a
dotted line. He caught every other fish.

- There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore
looking like an idiot. 

- I bought a dog the other day, he_s really smart!...I named him
Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here,
Stay!" Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

- I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little
pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around
in circles. 

- The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on
the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid
of widths. 

- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a
train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation...go figure

- If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

- If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came
up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

- Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

- What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald
men?

- I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing
husbands on beer cans.

- I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole
lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me they were
cramming for their finals.

- I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny
spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use...
Toothpicks?

- Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do_ write to these men? Why don't they
just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen
could look for them while they delivered the mail?

- How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

- If it's true that we are here to help others, then what
exactly are the OTHERS here for?

- Clones are people two.

- If a man says something in the woods and there are no women
there, is he still wrong?

- If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

- Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
zigzag?

- Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

- If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is
that considered a hostage situation?

- If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

- I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd
be gone. I said, "The whole time."

- So what's the speed of dark?

- How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who
has been dissing them anyhow?

- After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before
getting OUT of the water?

- If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it
in?

- I just got skylights put in my apartment. The people who live
above me are furious.

JOKES

The Programmer and the Princess

A programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said,

“If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.”

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said,

“If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”

The programmer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out,

“If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want.”

Again the programmer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked,

“What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?”

The programmer said,

“Look, I'm a programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend -- but a talking frog, now that's cool.”

Marketing

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.

Blondes Love Puzzles

There was this bartender and he was working at the bar one night. In walked a group of blondes and they were chanting:

"44 days! 44 days!"

One of the blondes was carrying a picture puzzle of Cookie Monster in a frame. The bartender leaned towards the blonde holding the puzzle and asked,

"Why are you chanting 44 days?"

She set down the puzzle on the counter and said,

"A lot of people think us blondes are dumb, so to show them, we bought this puzzle and put it together. It said 1-3 months but we completed it in 44 days!"

ALWAYS SOMETHING TO SMILE FOR…

• I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.  She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
• I went in to a pet shop.  I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
• I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I take out The Elephant Man?' He said, 'He's not your type.' I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow.'
• I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said, 'Analogue.' I said, 'No, just a watch.'
• I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said, 'Kenwood?' I said, 'Where is he then?'
• I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.  I thought: 'That's Aboriginal.'
• I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet.  'Best Before End'
• I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires.  I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
• I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Elvis Presley.'
• I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.  He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
• I went to the doctor and I said to him, 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
• I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.  I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
• I was reading this book today, 'The History Of Glue.' I couldn't put it down.
• I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.  I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
• I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.  She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
• I visited the offices of the RSPCA today.  It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

BACK TO FUNNY SCHOOL

• Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.
• My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
• Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
• Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
• Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs.
• Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
• Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
• Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
• Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

• Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
• Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
• Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but another man of that name.
• The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot.
• The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
• The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
• InIn midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
• Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ids of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: 'Tee hee, Brutus.'
• Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients.  Moses then went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
• Gravity was invented by Issaac Walton.  It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn.
• Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.