Thoughts from work
Thoughts and stories from on the job
My boss came in one morning and caught me hugging my secretary. He said in a
rage, "Is this what you get paid for ?" I told him, "Nope ! I do this for free."
This same boss was into all this dumb inspirational and motivation stuff too. I remember once he posted a sign which read "Today is the tomorrow you
worried about yesterday." I couldn't resist and added a note: "And now you know why too".
Once I came upon this pretty new temp standing in front of the paper shredder
with a confused look on her face. I asked if she needed any help and she said,
"Yeah, how does this thing work ?" I took the papers from her hand and
demonstrated how to work the shredder. She stood there a moment with yet anotherconfused expression, so I said, "Any questions ?" She said, "Yeah, exactly wheredo the copies come out from ?
People always say that hard work never killed anybody. Oh yeah ??? When's thelast time ya ever heard of anyone who "rested to death".
Being punctual in our Office was of no benefit what-so-ever. There was never
anybody around to appreciate it.
Our Office was always on the cutting edge of technology. Not only did we have
computers which spoke as well as listened; Hell, some of them even got ulcers.
Did ya ever notice the people who complain the most about not having enough
time to do all their work are the same ones who always stop & tell everyone that
they don't have enuff time to do all their work.
Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work
Escapee definition: a fart that slips out while peeing or forcing poop in a
stall. this is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. this
is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and
speeding. if you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. pretend it did not
happen. if you are next to the farter, pretend that you did not hear it. no one
likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. making a joke or
laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
jailbreak (used in conjunction with escapee) definition: when forcing poop,
several farts slip out at a machine gun's pace. this is usually a side effect of
diarrhea or a hangover. if this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall
until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of
what just occurred.
courtesy flush definition: the act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose
cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an
undisclosed location. this reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink
up the bathroom. this can help you avoid being caught doing the walk of shame.
walk of shame definition: walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. this can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. as with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. can be avoided with the use of a courtesy
flush.
out of the closet pooper definition: a colleague who poops at work and is damn
proud of it. you will often see an out of the closet pooper enter the bathroom
with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. always look around the office forthe out of the closet pooper before entering the bathroom.
the pooping friends network (pfn) definition: a group of coworkers who band
together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. this group can
help you to monitor the whereabouts of out of the closet poopers and identify
safe havens.
safe haven definition: a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors. try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
sex. this will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
turd burglar definition: a pooper who does not realize that you are in the
stall and tries to force the door open. this is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. if this occurs, remainin the stall until the turd burglar leaves. this way you will avoid all
uncomfortable eye contact.
camo-cough definition: a phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall. this can be used to cover-up a watermelon or
to alert potential turd burglars. very effective when used in conjunction with an astaire
astaire definition: a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential turd burglars that you are occupying a stall. this will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. if you hear an astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
watermelon definition: a turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. this is also an embarrassing incident. if you feel a watermelon coming on, create a diversion. see camo-cough.
havana omelet definition: a load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. often accompanied by an escapee. try using a camo-cough with an astaire.
uncle ted definition: a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. an uncle ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. this benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
fly by definition: the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. walk in, check for other poopers. if there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. be careful not to become a frequent flyer. people may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
crack whore definition: a crapper that has seen more ass than a greyhound bus.
telltale signs of a crack whore include pubes, piss stains and s*** streaks. avoid crack whores at all cost. try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. don't forget, with a good cleaning, a crack whore can become a safe haven.
frequent flyer definition: someone who keeps going in the bathroom to check if
it is empty. this always looks bad for that person.
have you ever heard of the "drag bunt?"- that is when you are walking by a bunch of people and farting the whole time, dragging it by the unknowing victims.
Job Performance Reviews
These are actual quotes taken from job performance reviews
1. I would not allow this employee to breed.
2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be.
3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
4. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change which ever foot was previously there.
5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
9. This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.
10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
11. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.
12. A room temperature IQ.
13. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.
14. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
15. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
16. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
17. Bright as Alaska in December.
18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
20. Fell out of the family tree.
21. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
22. Has two brains: one is lost; the other is out looking for it.
23. He's so dense, light bends around him.
24. If brains were taxed, she'd get a refund.
25. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get change.
27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
28. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
29. One neuron short of a synapse.
30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.
32. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
33. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
34. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
The History Of Casual Day
Memo No. 2: Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.
Memo No. 3: Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.
Memo No. 4: A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory.
Memo No. 5: As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper dress.
Memo No. 6: The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards" has been mailed to each employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.
Memo No. 7: Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective immediately.
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