The Top 16 Worst Excuses for Being Late for Work

16. "Actually, I've been here for over 20 minutes, big guy -- I was just out chillin' in the van waiting for the end of the live version of 'Freebird'."

15. "I keep forgetting which side of the International Date Line you're on."

14. "We're *open* on Tuesdays?!?"

13. "It took this long to get the ol' blood alcohol level down to the legal driving limit."

12. "I had to take extra time this morning to wrestle with overwhelming aggressive impulsies by reassuring myself that nothing would happen today that would push me over the edge."

11. "My proctologist got stuck."

10. "It was Senator Kennedy's turn to drive today, so I've spent the last hour swimming."

9. "I'm late because I was on the phone trying to get *your* lousy shipping department to send the company's office supplies directly to the winner of my eBay auction."

8. "Hey, time becomes meaningless when you're as strung out on high as I am."

7. "Sorry, sir.  I overslept and dreamt I had a dead-end job, a windowless office and a humorless baboon for a boss."

6. "Heidi Klum refused to untie me."

5. "On the second Tuesday of the month, the Campho-Phenique man comes by to fill the drum for my home supply of industrial-strength anti-sensitive sore gel."

4. "I'm sorry, boss, but I had to stop to get you -- uh -- this box of ten donuts."

3. "It took me a little longer than normal to hide my disdain this morning...  Sir."

2. "My dog ate my presentation, sir.  And by 'my dog' I mean your wife, and by 'ate my presentation' I mean 'was boinking me'."

1. "These are not the 'droids you're looking for."

Top 25 Engineers' Terms and Expressions

What they say versus what they mean... 

1. A number of different approaches are being tried. (We are still guessing at this point.) 

2. Close project coordination. (We sat down and had coffee together.) 

3. An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach. (We just hired three punk kids out of school.) 

4. Major technological breakthrough! (It works OK; but looks very hi-tech!) 

5. Customer satisfaction is believed assured. (We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take anything.) 

6. Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)

7. Test results were extremely gratifying! (Unbelievable, it actually worked!) 

8. The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only guy who understood the thing quit.) 

9. It is in process. (It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely hopeless.) 

10. We will look into it. (Forget it! We have enough problems already.) 

11. Please note and initial. (Let's spread the responsibility for this.) 

12. Give us the benefit of your thinking. (We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we have already done or with what we are going to do.) 

13. Give us your interpretation. (We can't wait to hear your baloney.) 

14. See me or let's discuss. (Come to my office, I've screwed up again.) 

15. All new. (Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.) 

16. Rugged. (Don't plan to lift it without major equipment.) 

17. Robust! (Rugged, but more so) 

18. Light weight. (Slightly lighter than rugged) 

19. Years of development. (One finally worked) 

20. Energy saving. (Achieved when the power switch is off.) 

21. No maintenance. (Impossible to fix) 

22. Low maintenance. (Nearly impossible to fix) 

23. Fax me the data. (I'm too lazy to write it down.) 

24. We are following the standard! (That's the way we have always done it!) 

25. I didn't get your e-mail.

The Office Diet

How to Lose Weight at Work Without Doing 

Much Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per hour they consume.

Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75 

Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100 

Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150 

Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50 

Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25 

Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight). ..50-300

Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100 

Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250 

Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500 

Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50 

Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300 

Bending over backwards . . . . . . . . 75 

Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200 

Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25 

Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350 

Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225 

Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25 

Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750 

Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75 

Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160 

Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . .12 

To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including: 

Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50 

Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300 

Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90 

Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25 

Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350 

Counting eggs before they hatch. . . . . 6 

Calling it quits . . . . . . . . . . . . 35

Realtor Doubletalk

Ever read realty ads and see all the nice things they say about the homes for sale - but read between the lines to find out what the ads are really describing:

Handyman's Delight - Really a handyman's nightmare! Better tear the place down and re-build from scratch.

Great neighborhood near conveniences - on a noisy, busy street.

Near playground where street gangs congregate at night. Houses are so close you can hear your neighbors breathing.

Acerage included - High taxes, high taxes, high taxes!

With a little imagination, this could be your dream house - see Handyman's delight

Income potential - If you want to invest a Donald Trump sized bank account, you can convert this into rental property. Good luck trying to collect from your deadbeat tenants.

Appliances included - but they don't work. You'll have to buy new ones anyway and be burdened with disposing of the old ones

Nobody gives up a good freezer, stove, washer or refrigerator.

Excellent starter home - it's so small (how small is it?) you'll break the back window when you put the key in the front door.

Extensive deferred maintenance throughout - see handyman's delight.

Custom design - see entropy at work. This has a sunken living room - literally. 

The kitchen had slid 50 feet down the hillside after the last heavy rainfall. 

Skylights are really holes in theroof left by a hurricane. Heated pool in cellar is created bythe leaking water heater.

For the discriminating buyer - You must have Bill Gates' income.

Has floors, roof and windows - Wow! I always wanted those ammenities.

Has possibilities - see handyman's delight.

Peace and privacy - A hundred miles from anywhere. No electricity, indoor plumbing or central heat. Chipmunks, mosquitoes and bears are your closest neighbors.

Spacious, with catherdral ceiling - Think about fuel bills when trying to heat this monstrosity!

On corner lot - Pedestrians, bikers and vehicular traffic make short-cuts across your front lawn.

A great fixer-upper - Ever see the movie "The Money Pit"?

Be the frist to see this one - It's been on the market six years without an offer.

Has the elegance and charm of yesteryear - see Peace and Privacy & Handyman's Delight.