Sarcastic Remarks for Work

1. And your crybaby whiny opinion would be...?

2. Do I look like a people person?

3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

6. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

7. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

8. You!... Off my planet!

9. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my
cats.

10. Does your train of thought have a caboose?

11. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

12. A PBS mind in an MTV world.

13. Allow me to introduce my selves.

14. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

15. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.

16. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

17. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

18. I have a computer, a remote control, and pizza delivery. Why should I
leave the house?

19. Not all men [women] are annoying. Some are dead.

20. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?

21. A woman's favorite position is CEO.

22. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

23. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

24. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen
asleep yet.

25. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

26. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

27. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

28. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

29. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

30. I plead contemporary insanity.

31. And which dwarf are you?

32. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

33. Meandering to a different drummer.

34. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

TOP TEN TRICKS TO LIVEN UP A MEETING

Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the 'real' reason this meeting has been called.

Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table.

During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), make a little noise like you are building up to an orgasm.

Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming.

Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink ateveryone. 

Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it.

Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the
meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room.

Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points.

When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, "Well, here's the way I see it, J.B..." (or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not actually your boss's.)

Complain loudly that your neighbour won't stop touching you. Demand that the
boss make him/her stop doing it.

Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect. Every time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say "uh-huh, uh-huh!"

Top Ten Signs Your Company is going to downsize

10. Company Softball Team is converted to a Chess Club. 

9. Dr.Kevorkian is hired as an "Outplacement Coordinator". 

8. Your best looking women in Marketing are suddenly very friendly with the dorky Personnel Manager.

7. The beer supplied by the Company at picnics is Schlitz. 

6. Weekly yard/bake sale at Corporate Headquarters. 

5. Company President now driving a Ford Escort. 

4. Annual Company Holiday Bash moved from the Sheraton to the local Taco Bell. 

3. Employee discount days at the local "Army & Navy Surplus Store" are discontinued. 

2. Dental plan now consists of a Company supplied kit (String, pliers and 2 aspirin). 

1. Your CEO has installed a dart board in his office marked with all existing departments in the Company.

How all careers end

How careers end... 

Lawyers are disbarred. 

Ministers are defrocked. 

Electricians are delighted. 

Far Eastern diplomats are disoriented. 

Drunks are distilled. 

Alpine climbers are dismounted. 

Piano tuners are unstrung. 

Orchestra leaders are disbanded. 

Artists' models are deposed. 

Cooks are deranged. 

Dressmakers are unbiased. 

Nudists are redressed. 

Office clerks are defiled. 

Mediums are dispirited. 

Programmers are decoded. 

Accountants are discredited. 

Holy people are disgraced. 

Pastry chefs are deserted. 

Perfume makers are dissented. 

Butterfly collectors are debugged. 

Students are degraded. 

Electricians are refused. 

Bodybuilders are rebuffed. 

Underwear models are debriefed 

Painters are discolored. 

Spinsters are dismissed. 

Judges are disappointed. 

Vegas dealers are discarded. 

Mathematicians are discounted. 

Tree surgeons disembark.