Identifying wasted time

TO: ALL PERSONNEL

FROM: ACCOUNTING 

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in
timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code

5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your
unproductive time. 

Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based
on our observations of employee activities. 

The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you
are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list
immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter. 

Thank you,

Accounting

Attached: Extended Job-Code List

Code and Explanation

5316 Useless Meeting

5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting

5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting

5319 Waiting for Break

5320 Waiting for Lunch

5321 Waiting for End of Day

5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker

5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not
Present

5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend

5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning

5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid

5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You

5481 Buying Snack

5482 Eating Snack

5500 Filling Out Timesheet

5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries

5502 Waiting for Something to Happen

5503 Scratching Yourself

5504 Sleeping

5510 Feeling Bored

5511 Feeling Horny

5600 Complaining About Lousy Job

5601 Complaining About Low Pay

5602 Complaining About Long Hours

5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)

5604 Complaining About Boss

5605 Complaining About Personal Problems

5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining

5701 Not Actually Present At Job

5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu

6102 Ordering Out

6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive

6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food

6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit

6201 Stealing Company Goods

6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods

6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls

6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen

Company Goods

6205 Hiding from Boss

6206 Gossip

6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)

6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself

6211 Updating Resume

6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter

6213 Out of Office on Interview

6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching

6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job

6223 Pretending You Like Coworker

6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks

6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing

6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl

6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)

6602 Complaining

6603 Writing a Book on Company Time

6611 Staring Into Space

6612 Staring At Computer Screen

6615 Transcendental Meditation

7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)

7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone

7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone

7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone

7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone

7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone

7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone

7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone

7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone

7425 Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone

7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity

8000 Recreational Drug Use

8001 Non-recreational Drug Use

8002 Liquid Lunch

8100 Reading e-mail

The Bosses' Itinerary

To ensure that you have a good time on your trip to Australia, your team members have planned and developed a special itinerary to fill the time during your leisure hours. 

Agenda follows: 

Day 1: The "10 Deadliest Snakes" Fall Tour. 

You and a guest will be escorted through the outback and provided with the opportunity to handle and examine each of the world's 10 most deadly snakes. 

Day 2: The "Great White Encounter". 

You and your tour guide will take a small boat to the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be able to dive into the chum-laden water and experience the beauty of theGreat White shark. 

Day 3: The Aboriginal "Festival of Spears". 

You will be the honored guest of a small aboriginal village as they celebrate the subjugation of the aboriginal race by the white man, with free liquor and a specialweapons exhibition. 

Day 4: The "Crocodile Dundee" Petting Zoo. 

You will be able to come up-close and personal with the occasionally harmless salt-water crocodiles of the Australian coast. Lucky audience members are asked to participate in a croc wrestling exhibition.

Day 5: "Those Marvelous Morays". 

This tour will once again return you to the beauty of the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be allowed to hand feed special finger-shaped sausages to the wild eels of StubbyHand Reef. We hope you will enjoy your trip!Your loyal employees.

Useful Work Phrases

1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 

2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 

3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 

4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 

5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care. 

6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 

7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? 

8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 

9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 

10. Ahhh, I see the f**k-up fairy has visited us again. 

11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 

12. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. 

13. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. 

14. No, my powers can only be used for good. 

15. How about never? Is never good for you? 

16. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. 

17. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication. 

18. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 

19. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. 

20. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 

21. Who me? I just wander from room to room. 

22. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys! 

23. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy. 

24. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits. 

25. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 

26. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 

27. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

The Top 14 Tips Donald Trump Has for His New Apprentice

14. "Trust me. Even if you look like a bloated troll, chicks dig billionaires."

13. "Don't be fooled by his naked antics -- Richard Hatch over in Marketing is up to no good."

12. "Keep your hands off Carolyn, but George, well, that's another story."

11. "Secret code phrase to utter if you ever notice my fly down during a board meeting: 'Sir, are you ready for your PowerPoint presentation?'"

10. "Lowe's has better prices on shellac than Home Depot."

9. "Wait until the bankers leave the room before starting your victory macarena."

8. "You're fired! Ha, ha, ha. No, really. You're fired, too!"

7. "Don't bother giving other drivers the finger when you get cut off. Have your chauffeur do it."

6. "You're never too young for a comb-over."

5. "Never, EVER schedule me for an interview with Barbara Walters. I am not now, nor do I ever intend to be, 'Mista Twump.'"

4. "Never blur the line between servility and civility."

3. "Plant your corn early. Yeah, I never understood that one either when I was growing up."

2. "After a long, *successful* day with the boss, only the *medicated* Chapstick will do."

1. "If you think the selection process compromised your integrity, wait until you're actually WORKING for me."