The Top 14 Signs Your Coworker is a Spy

14. Silently weeps if you forget to turn off the music while playing Tetris.

13. The last sensation felt by anyone "borrowing" a pen is the quick sting of several tiny Punji sticks.

12. No one will carpool with him since that ejector seat incident.

11. He and his girlfriend Natasha keep threatening to "make big trouble for Moose and Squirrel."

10. His twin, who looks just like him except that he wears black, keeps coming in at lunch to booby trap his cubicle.

9. Always trying to convince you that Yakov Smirnoff is actually funny.

8. You could swear he used to look just like Sean Connery, but now he's the spitting image of Pierce Brosnan.

7. "I may ask; would you additionally like a packet of oil-fried potato slices, comrade?"

6. His shoe has a setting for either "Ring" or "Vibrate."

5. She taps that commie pen on her commie desk the same commie way EVERY FRIGGIN' DAY!

4. Last October you helped him ship out 750 boxes of old computer punch cards to addresses all over Florida and the "tip" he promised you was "dump all your stocks."

3. Suspiciously never complains about the temperature in the office.

2. He asks you to pull his finger -- until it clicks.

1. He introduces himself as "Bond... Jame-- Er, Finkelmeyer... Junius Finkelmeyer."

Financial Terminology

In case you were not aware of the new financial terminology:

EBITDA (formerly stood for Earnings before Interest Expenses, Taxes,
Depreciation and Amortization) - Now stands for "Earnings before I Tricked Dumb Auditor".

EBIT (Earnings before Interest and Taxes) - Now stands for "Earnings before Irregularities and Tampering".

CEO (Chief Executive Officer) - Now stands for "Chief Embezzlement Officer".

CFO (Chief Financial Officer) - Now stands for "Corporate Fraud Officer".

NAV (Net Asset Value) - Now stands for "Normal Andersen Valuation".

EPS (Earnings per Share) - Now stands for "Eventual Prison Sentence".

How bad a mistake

How bad a mistake can you make on your resume? Here are some reportedly real life examples:

"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

"Education: Curses in liberal arts, computer science, and curses in accounting."

"Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."

"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

"I am a rabid typist."

"Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."

"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for
business."

"Proven ability to track down and correct errors."

"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely
no one."

"References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."

"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."

"Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously; they were
unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."

"I am loyal to my employer at all costs...Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voicemail."

"Qualifications: No education or experience."

"Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."

"Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."

"Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"

Corporate Recreation Preferences

The National Science Foundation announced the following study results on corporate America recreation preferences: 

1. Sport of choice for maintenance level employees: bowling.

2. Sport of choice for front line workers: football.

3. Sport of choice for supervisors: baseball.

4. Sport of choice for middle management: tennis.

5. Sport of choice for corporate officers: golf.

CONCLUSION:

The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls.

THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK

15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 

14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to." 

13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper" 

12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning a new paradigm!" 

11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!" 

10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance" 

9. "Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I
learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend. 

8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress." 

7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our
biggest problem." 

6. "The coffee machine is broken...."

5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot." 

4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!" 

3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!" 

2. "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands." 

AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

"Amen"

The Top 16 Euphemisms for Slacking at Work

16. Thinking outside the cube

15. De-nosing the grindstone

14. Training for a career in management

13. Notworking

12. Awaiting awkward discovery prior to pursuing new opportunities elsewhere

11. Conserving the midnight oil

10. Testing the corporate firewall's ability to stop indecent images

9. Consulting

8. Battling the dreaded the Minesweeper virus

7. Defragging the brain drive

6. Reaping the rewards of superior delegation

5. In conference with the Olsen twins

4. Visiting Crawford

3. Letting opportunity open its own damn door

2. Zero-tasking

1. Enabling real-time back-end utilization

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement of ten misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true!!!

Elderly/Dementia Jokes

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME

 An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:  "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!
" she cried.  The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
"Disregard," he says.  She got in the back-seat by mistake."

____________ _________ _________ _______

FAMILY

      Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.  One night the 96 year old draws a bath.  She puts her foot in and pauses.  She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."  She starts up the stairs and pauses ... "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood."  She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
       ____________ _________ _________ _______

"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

      Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.  One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"  "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."  And the third man chimed in, "So am I.  Let's have a beer."

       ____________ _________ _________ _______

SUPERSEX

       A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.  As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex.."

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

       ____________ _________ _________ _______

ROMANCE

      An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."  Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
       
Thirty  seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."  Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"

      ____________ _________ _________ _______

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER

       80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.  She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
      ____________ _________ _________ _______

SENIOR DRIVING

       As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.  Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car.  It's hundreds of them!"
 _____________________ _________ _______

DRIVING

      Two elderly women were out driving in a large car both could  barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.  The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it.  I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.

Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.  She was getting nervous.  At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.

So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row?  You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"          
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