Great lines from job evaluations!
1. I would not allow this employee to breed.
2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won’t be.
3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
4. When she stops to open her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there.
5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
9. This employee should go far and sooner he starts, the better.
10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
11. The biggest tool in the shed.
12. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn’t looking.
13. A room temperature IQ.
14. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.
15. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
16. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
17. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
20. Fell out of the family tree.
21. Bright as Alaska in December.
22. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
23. Has two brains: one is lost; and the other is looking for it.
24. If brains were taxed she would get a refund.
25. If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week.
26. He’s so dense light bends around him.
27. If you gave him a penny for his thoughts you would get change.
28. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
29. It’s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other men thing.
30. One neuron short of a synapse.
31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.
32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
33. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
34. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig.
35. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of mobid curiosity.
The Bosses' Itinerary
To ensure that you have a good time on your trip to Australia, your team members have planned and developed a special itinerary to fill the time during your leisure hours.
Agenda follows:
Day 1:
The "10 Deadliest Snakes"
Fall Tour.You and a guest will be escorted through the outback and provided with the opportunity to handle and examine each of the world's 10 most deadly snakes.
Day 2:
The "Great White Encounter".
You and your tour guide will take a small boat to the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be able to dive into the chum-laden water and experience the beauty of theGreat White shark.
Day 3:
The Aboriginal "Festival of Spears".
You will be the honored guest of a small aboriginal village as they celebrate the subjugation of the aboriginal race by the white man, with free liquor and a specialweapons exhibition.
Day 4:
The "Crocodile Dundee" Petting Zoo.
You will be able to come up-close and personal with the occasionally harmless salt-water crocodiles of the Australian coast. Lucky audience members are asked to participate in a croc wrestling exhibition.
Day 5:
"Those Marvelous Morays".
This tour will once again return you to the beauty of the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be allowed to hand feed special finger-shaped sausages to the wild eels of StubbyHand Reef. We hope you will enjoy your trip!Your loyal employees.
The office happenings
Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings,
everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".
Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."
A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves.
A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the
ones we hired."
My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.
My Boss said to me " What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.
My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from
surprise spikes in his brain.
I thought my Boss was an idiot, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is
an idiot, too ... but at least I respect him.
He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks
and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.
Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.
Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: " I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"
HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although
that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our
entry level positions."
Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this year
and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss'
daughter finishes her summer classes.
FUNNY WORLD
A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.
Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?!
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his
skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.
Have I Got a Deal for You!
More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a space ship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available. "Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six
million dollars.
Too Well-Educated
In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened."
And Sometimes They Just Make It Too Easy
Los Angeles Police lucked out with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
...Ouch, That Smarts!
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike
Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.
Are We Not Communicating?
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. Hmmm...wonder what he uses for a knife?
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