Doctor's Notes

Actual doctor's comments on patients' charts.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day, the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.

She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The skin was moist and dry.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her adult life, until she got a divorce.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

You Know You're a Cop When...

Some of the ways you can tell.

You Know You're a Cop When:

You have the bladder capacity of five people.

You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.

You believe that 50% of people are a waste of good air.

Your idea of a good time is a "man with a gun" call.

You conduct a criminal record check on anyone who seems friendly towards you.

You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac and birth control pills.

You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see.

You have your weekends off planned for a year.

You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.

You refer to your favourite restaurant by the intersection at which it's located.

You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled: "Suicide: Getting It Right the First Time".

You ever had to put the phone on hold before you begin laughing uncontrollably.

You think caffeine should be available in IV form.

You find out a lot about paranoia just by following people around.

Anyone has ever said to you, "There are people killing other people out there and you are here messing with me."

People flag you down on the street and ask you directions to strange places, and you know where it's located.

You can discuss where you are going to eat with your partner while standing over a dead body.

You are the only person introduced at social gatherings by profession.

You walk into places and people think it's funny to grab their buddy and shout, "They've come to get you, Bill."

You do not see daylight from November until May.

People shout, "I didn't do it!" when you walk into a room and think they're being hugely funny and original.

A week's worth of laundry consists of 5 T-shirts, 5 pairs of socks, and 5 pairs of underwear.

You've ever referred to Tuesday as "my weekend", or "this is my Friday."

You've ever written off guns and ammunition as a business deduction.

You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, it sure is quiet tonight."

Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal to you.

You find humor in other people's stupidity.

You have left more meals on the restaurant table than you've eaten.

You feel good when you hear "these handcuffs are too tight."

Questions for the Librarian

Supposedly these are actual questions from people.

"I'm looking for a book."

"Do you have books here?"

"Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?"

"Do you have a list of all the books I've ever read?"

"I'm looking for Robert James Waller's book, 'Waltzing through Grand Rapids." (the actual title is "Slow Waltz In Cedar Bend.")

"Where is the reference desk?" (asked of a worker sitting at a desk, over which was a sign saying 'REFERENCE DESK')

"Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?"

"Which outlets in the library are appropriate for my hairdryer?"

"I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?"

"I need a color photograph of George Washington." (other individuals asked for by other patrons: Christopher Columbus, King Arthur, Moses, Socrates, and more)

"Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?"

"I'm looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I'm having trouble with it in my neck."

"Is the basement upstairs?"

"I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months."

"I got a quote from a book I turned in last week but I forgot to write down the author and title. It's big and red, and I found it on the top shelf. Can you find it for me?

"Do you have anything good to read?"