The Basic Laws of Work

If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights. 

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt. 

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 

It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and
what you're going to do. 

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than
you did before. 

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. 

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. 

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen
to you the rest of the day. 

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking
about themselves. 

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool
about it. 

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss
asks for a ride home from the office. 

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. 

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous." 

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. 

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy. 

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed
to be doing. 

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. 

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it. 

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. 

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. 

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. 

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of
pens that person is carrying. 

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. 

Following the rules will not get the job done. 

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. 

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" 

No matter how much you do, you never do enough. 

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything
that goes wrong.

Good reasons for an office on-site bar

While most companies refrain from allowing consumption of alcohol on the premises, there are some good arguments for changing that policy. Reasons for allowing drinking at work include: 

1. It's an incentive to show up. 

2. It reduces stress. 

3. It leads to more honest communications. 

4. It reduces complaints about low pay. 

5. It cuts down on time off because you can cure hangovers, from the night before, with another drink. 

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear. 

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter. 

8. It encourages carpooling. 

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care. 

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work. 

11. It makes fellow employees look better. 

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better. 

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted. 

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn't so embarrassing. 

16. No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas Party.

Not In College Anymore

The first realizations that you're not in college anymore

You're waking up at 6 a.m. instead of going to bed.

* Beers at lunch get you reprimanded.

* College sweatshirts are "casual" instead of dress up.

* Your parents charge rent.

* Your parents walk in while you are having sex, not your roommate.

* The five food groups are no longer beer, pizza, ramen, mac & cheese, and cereal.

* It's "getting late" when it's 9:30 p.m.

* Three words: school loan payments.

* You make thousands of dollars a year and still can't afford that dream Porsche.

* You start eyeing the Light Beer section appreciatively.

* Pickup football games mean that at least one person will be in the hospital by game's end.

* Discussing with your friends THEN: GPAs, phone rates, and tonsil hockey; NOW: IRAs, interest rates, and their kid's orthodontia.

* Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.

* Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m.

* Sneakers are now "weekend shoes."

* Dinner and a movie = The whole date instead of the beginning of one.

* Your girlfriend being pregnant brings thought of tax deductions instead of coronaries.

* Jack and Cokes become Dewers on the Rocks.

* The only drugs you take are Tums and Tylenol.

* The weak single you hit in the intramural softball game is now remembered as a Varsity dinger for the League Championship.

* You get your news from sources other than USA Today, ESPNSportscenter, and MTV News.

* Random hook-ups are no longer acceptable.

* You wear more ties/skirts in a week than you even owned while taking classes.

* You find yourself reminiscing fondly of two-hour calculus exams.

* You empathize with the characters from 'Friends".

* METABOLISM SLOWS DOWN

* Football "season tickets" go from $75.00 for the season with dozens of friends to $750.00 for the season with the three other guys who want to get away from the family.

* Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone's and Mad Dog.

* You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

* Grocery lists contain relatively healthy food.

* When drinking, you say at least once per night, "I just can't put it down the same as I used to."

* You are the only person over the age of sixteen in your neighborhood with a Sega.

Mistake

Mistake: to err, to cause an error or make a mess

If a barber makes a mistake, It's a new style...

If a driver makes a mistake, It is an accident...

If an engineer makes a mistake, It is a new venture...

If parents make a mistake, It is a new generation...

If a politician makes a mistake, It is a new law...

If a scientist makes a mistake, It is a new invention...

If a tailor makes a mistake, It is a new fashion...

If a teacher makes a mistake, It is a new theory...

If our boss makes a mistake, It is our mistake......

If an employee makes a mistake, It is a "MISTAKE"