Bits & Pieces

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

I saw something fly past wearing rosary beads earlier. "That must be a bird of pray", I thought.

My wife called me the other day. She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day, they are absolutely gorgeous." I said, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."

I''ve just bought a forklift at an auction. It's amazing what you can pick up nowadays.

My new girlfriend just found out that I'm 42. She said, "You told me that you were 28 and a half!" I said, "I am if you think about it."

How do you confuse a moron? Seven.

I was saying to a stranger in the bar last night, "My grandfather will be 104 tomorrow." "Wow, that's amazing. What's his secret?" "He was born a long time ago."

Although I'm a lover of Bruce Willis's acting, I wouldn't say I was a die hard fan.

Rick Astley gave a lot of stuff up for Lent, but not you.

I used to get strange looks for trying to use my phone on the bus. But then again, it was 1972.

Whenever I delete an App on my iPhone, the shaking icons make me feel like they're all panicking over who's going to be next.

When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage lightbulbs.

I've recently joined PAULA. People Against the Use of Incorrect Acronyms.

I went to Home Depot to look at a power washer. But I can't deal with these high-pressure salesmen.

Some stores call them "self checkouts". Some people call them "I'm not paying for some of this."

I proposed my idea of a new efficient internet web browser to the bosses at Apple today. It went rather well I thought, raised a few iBrowse.

Today is International Women's Day. It was actually supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready.

She's not a bad looking woman. She just looks like one.

My new girlfriend is an architect. Boy, does she know how to make an entrance!

Prisoners with a stutter should be forced to do slightly longer sentences.

I was wondering the other day what our parents must have done for entertainment before television was popular and affordable. I asked my 38 brothers and sisters if they had any ideas, but none of them could suggest an answer either.

I was offered a job as a noise pollution inspector. I had to turn it down.

Ironically all the hemorrhoid books at the local library are stacked in piles.

If you ate yourself, would you be twice as big or disappear completely?

I don't get creationists. They can't grasp the concept of an ape like creature evolving into a man, yet they have no problem with a rib turning into a woman.

Apparently men think about sex every seven seconds. Luckily I wrote this in sex.

I bought some baby potatoes earlier. He just looked at them and dribbled.

I wanted to be the best sniper in the world, but failed. I think I set my sights too high.

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. When a woman is ovulating, she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. When she's menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye.

I caused an uproar earlier when I put a lion in a hot air balloon.

There are two types of people in this world, those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...

I hate condescending people. But I wouldn't expect you to understand.

They say there's more chance of dying on the way to buy the lottery tickets, than actually winning. That's why I always send my wife to buy the tickets.

A woman asks her computer programmer husband to go shopping. "Could you go to the store and get bread, and if they have eggs, get six". The husband returns with six loaves of bread. The wife, flabbergasted, asks, "Why the hell did you buy six loaves of bread?" The husband replies "Because they had eggs!"

30% of all internet traffic is porn, according to the New England Journal of Underestimating Things.

That's the last time I buy a homing pigeon. The darn thing refuses to leave the house.

Laser eye surgery, what a waste of money. Two weeks and not a single laser fired from either of my eyes.

I thought I saw a guy wearing camouflage. I didn't.

I'm convinced the new girl I'm seeing is a transvestite. I can feel it.

My friend asked me last night if I liked hanging from the ceiling, spinning round. I replied, "I'm not a fan."

Life's too short to be telling people how short life is.

I went to the doctor today and he asked if I'd be comfortable if he examined me in the nude. I said, "I'd rather you didn't" and looked at him with disgust. As he started to button his trousers back up.

Keep an eye out for the Fukishima based tennis player at Wimbledon this year. His forehands are amazing.

My wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with Burger King. I said,"Have it your way."

I was just reminiscing with my friends about when we all went to the clock museum. Good times!

Just came in first place from a field of 17 million in an Exaggeration Contest!

I took two stuffed dogs I had onto the Antiques Roadshow. "Ooh," Said the presenter, "This is a very rare breed, do you have any idea what they'd fetch if they were alive?" "Sticks?" I presume.

My horse was neck and neck with the winner for a while at the Derby yesterday. Then the race started.

When a family member unexpectedly dies, what's the acceptable mourning period before removing their stick figure from the back of the minivan?

I like my women to be like my garden hose. Cheap and kinky.

I took my granddaughter for a ride on the carousel today. The staff at the airport weren't very happy about it.

I'm not arrogant, I'm too good to be arrogant.

I shouldn't question everything... should I?

Condoms should be used in all conceivable occasions.

Those different colored contact lenses look ridiculous, in my eyes.

The inventor of the television remote control has died at the age of 96. Have they tried turning his batteries round and smacking him against the coffee table?

I was talking to a navy seal earlier. I couldn't understand why it was that color.

I bought my obsessive/compulsive wife a picture of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. She's going nuts trying to hang it straight.

The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

My wife's leaving me because because because because becaaaauuuuuse she thinks I'm obsessed with the Wizard of Oz.

Bulimia: Twice the taste, with none of the calories.

Tomorrow, I'm going to open up the time capsule I made when I was a kid. I can't wait to see how big my puppy is.

I asked a girl out on a date the other day but she said she'd rather stay in and play her flute to a snake. Charming.

Don't order Siamese cats on the internet. They just send you one cat, and it doesn't even have two heads.

Jesus drove a Honda. He just didn't like to talk about it. Proof: John 12:49 'For I did not speak of my own Accord'.

Apparently blind people think we discriminate against them for reading in braille. I'm sorry they feel that way.

I'm more confused than a circular pizza in a square box, cut into triangular slices.

I've been slowly torturing a centipede for the past 98 days. It's on its last legs now.

A bus is a vehicle that goes twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Broken glass tastes just like blood.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Every 40 seconds, someone commits suicide. Say what you will about those depressed types, but they sure are punctual.

I swear I have Tourette's.

If Steve Jobs hadn't died, he would still be alive today.

I've just got off the phone with the wife. She had a lovely talk.

Beginners guides? Don't get me started on those.

I've signed up as a conductor for 3 different orchestras. I've got more musicians than you could shake a stick at.

Wearing sandals with socks is similar to wearing a condom. You have almost no chance of getting a girl pregnant.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

When chemists die, they barium.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

At night I always put a sparkler on top of my grandma's mobility scooter then in the mornings, just before she sets off shopping, I light it when she's not looking. She looks like she has stolen a dodgem car when she's driving through Walmart.

They say a dog is a man's best friend. But I don't even have enemies that would stare directly into my eyes whilst taking a dump on my carpet.

It is tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.

If you can only go left or right, and you know that left isn't right, then by a process of elimination, right must be right because it's the only way left.

My mother-in-law gave me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday today. I couldn't find the words to thank her.

Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it.

Just heard some early news from the Olympics. It seems that, following a record-breaking practice session, the North Korean Pole Vault Champion has just become the South Korean Pole Vault Champion.

Everything Has A Gender

Did you know?

 

Apples are Female - the best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for them as they're afraid of falling and getting hurt.

Wine is Male - it begins as a grape, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of it until it turns into something acceptable to have dinner with. 

Ziploc Bags are Male - they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers are Female - once turned off it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

A Tire is Male - it goes bald and it is often over-inflated.

A Hot Air Balloon is Male - to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it (of course, there's the hot air part, too).

Sponges are Female - they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

A Web Page is Female - it is always getting hit on.

A Subway is Male - it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

An Hourglass is Female - over time the weight shifts to the bottom.

A Hammer is Male - it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it is handy to have around.

A Remote Control is Female - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

A Water Faucet is Female - it can turn hot or cold in just a matter of moments.

A Safety Pin is Male - it is often useful in an emergency.

A Foreign Movie is Female - it is not always completely understood.

A Computer is Female - even your smallest mistakes are stored in memory.

Road Trip!

Women vs. Men

 

HERS:

Pulls off at wrong exit.

Opens window, asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer.

Arrives at destination presently.


HIS:

Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.

Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right, then drives an extra 5 miles just in case.

Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air.

Pulls up to a 7-11.

Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky.

Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.

Gets back into car.

Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.

Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.

Almost hits a deer, curses the night and curses you.

Curses the large slurpee.

Drives and fiddles with radio. Yells at you for suggesting the map again.

Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway.

He hates your sister, ever since she called him a pernicious weasel.

He had to look up pernicious.

Couldn't find a dictionary. Finally found a dictionary, couldn't spell pernicious.

Seethes at the memory of it all.

But she is laughing inside.

Of course, you're still lost.

Great lines from job evaluations!

1. I would not allow this employee to breed.

2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won’t be.

3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

4. When she stops to open her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there.

5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. 

8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

9. This employee should go far and sooner he starts, the better.

10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

11. The biggest tool in the shed.

12. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn’t looking.

13. A room temperature IQ.

14. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.

15. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

16. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

17. A prime candidate for natural deselection.

18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.

19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

20. Fell out of the family tree.

21. Bright as Alaska in December.

22. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.

23. Has two brains: one is lost; and the other is looking for it.

24. If brains were taxed she would get a refund.

25. If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week.

26. He’s so dense light bends around him.

27. If you gave him a penny for his thoughts you would get change.

28. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

29. It’s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other men thing.

30. One neuron short of a synapse.

31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.

32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.

33. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

34. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig.

35. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of mobid curiosity.

The Bosses' Itinerary

 

To ensure that you have a good time on your trip to Australia, your team members have planned and developed a special itinerary to fill the time during your leisure hours. 

Agenda follows: 

Day 1: 

The "10 Deadliest Snakes" 

Fall Tour.You and a guest will be escorted through the outback and provided with the opportunity to handle and examine each of the world's 10 most deadly snakes. 
 
Day 2: 

The "Great White Encounter". 

You and your tour guide will take a small boat to the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be able to dive into the chum-laden water and experience the beauty of theGreat White shark. 

Day 3:

The Aboriginal "Festival of Spears". 

You will be the honored guest of a small aboriginal village as they celebrate the subjugation of the aboriginal race by the white man, with free liquor and a specialweapons exhibition. 

Day 4: 

The "Crocodile Dundee" Petting Zoo. 

You will be able to come up-close and personal with the occasionally harmless salt-water crocodiles of the Australian coast. Lucky audience members are asked to participate in a croc wrestling exhibition.

Day 5: 

"Those Marvelous Morays". 

This tour will once again return you to the beauty of the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be allowed to hand feed special finger-shaped sausages to the wild eels of StubbyHand Reef. We hope you will enjoy your trip!Your loyal employees.

The office happenings

Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings,
everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".

Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."

A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves.

A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the
ones we hired."

My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.

My Boss said to me " What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.

My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from
surprise spikes in his brain.

I thought my Boss was an idiot, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is
an idiot, too ... but at least I respect him.

He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks
and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.

Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.

Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: " I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"

HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although
that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our
entry level positions."

Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this year
and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss'
daughter finishes her summer classes.

FUNNY WORLD

And for the Main Course

A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.

Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?!

In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his
skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

Have I Got a Deal for You!

More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a space ship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available. "Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six
million dollars.

Too Well-Educated

In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened."

And Sometimes They Just Make It Too Easy

Los Angeles Police lucked out with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

...Ouch, That Smarts!

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike
Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.

Are We Not Communicating?

A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer!

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. Hmmm...wonder what he uses for a knife?

60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.

2. Ahh, it's cute.

3. Who circumcised you?

4. Why don't we just cuddle?

5. You know they have surgery to fix that.

6. It's more fun to look at.

7. Make it dance.

8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.

9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?

10. It looks like a night crawler.

11. Wow, and your feet are so big.

12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.

13. It's ok, we'll work around it.

14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?

15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.

16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

17. Oh no, a flash headache.

18. (giggle and point)

19. Can I be honest with you?

20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.

21. Let me go get my tweezers.

22. How sweet, you brought incense.

23. This explains your car.

24. You must be a growing boy.

25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.

26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.

27. Are you one of those pygmies?

28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?

29. Every heard of clearasil?

30. All right, a treasure hunt!

31. I didn't know they came that small.

32. Why is God punishing you?

33. At least this won't take long.

34. I never saw one like that before.

35. What do you call this?

36. But it still works, right?

37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.

38. It looks so unused.

39. Do you take steroids?

40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.

41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.

44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?

45. Aww, it's hiding.

46. Are you cold?

47. If you get me real drunk first.

48. Is that an optical illusion?

49. What is that?

50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.

51. Were you neutered?

52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

53. Does it come with an air pump?

54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

55. Where are the puppet strings?

56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.

57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.

58. Never mind, why bother.

59. Is that a second belly button?

60. Where's the rest of it?

AGE DRINK...

17 beer
25 beer
35 vodka
48 double vodka
66 Maalox

SEDUCTION LINE
17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My second wife is dead.

FAVORITE SPORT
17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 sex
66 napping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "tongue"
25 "breakfast"
35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 "Got home alive."

FAVORITE FANTASY
17 getting to third
25 airplane sex
35 menage a trois
48 taking the company public
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

HOUSE PET
17 roaches
25 stoned-out college roommate
35 Irish setter
48 children from his first marriage
66 Barbi

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17

IDEAL DATE
17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 "Split the check before we go back to my place"
35 "Just come over."
48 "Just come over and cook."
66 sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.

If Men TRULY Ruled The World!

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the behind and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it. 

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. 

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too. 

St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history!

The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".

Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Two words..."Ally McNaked".

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

Garbage would take itself out.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off". 

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation. 

It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas. 

Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!". 

When your wife/girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. 

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".

"Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance. 

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

LET’S TALK ABOUT MONEY !!!!

(PART 1)

Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop.

***

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

***

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

***

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

***

If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says: "I'm cheap!"

***

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

***

Don't marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

***

It isn't necessary to be rich and famous to be happy. It's only necessary to be rich.

***

Money can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it.

***

You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony.

***

Nothing more clearly show how little God esteems his gift to men of wealth, money, position and other wordly goods, than the way he distributes these, and the sort of men who are most amply provided with them.

***

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it rains.

***

It is pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.

***

I don't like money, actually, but it quiets my nerves.

***

Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.

***

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

***

Honesty is the best policy -- when there is money in it.

***

It is in the character of very few men to honor without envy a friend who has prospered.

***

Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.

***

Content makes poor men rich; discontentment makes rich men poor.

***

If you would know the value of money try to borrow some.

***

I'm tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.

***

The greatest luxury of riches is that they enable you to escape so much good advice.  

***

If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves.

***

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

***

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

***

If you have to ask, you can't afford it!

***

Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery.

***