BACK TO COLLEGE

10 Signs That A Kid Is A Nerd

10. Likes people that oppress him: teachers, parents, principals, police, and authority figures. 

9. Is overly enthusiastic about 'Dungeons and Dragons' and other role playing games.

8. Very familiar with megahertz, wears glasses and, can quote scripture. 

7. Frequently speaks of martial arts, but still gets beaten up. 

6. Says 'Whom' instead of 'Who.' 

5. Is pleased when disruptive individuals are sent to the office, so that they can continue with their learning. 

4. Prefers NPR to any music. 

3. Gets upset when there is a test or quiz that he did not know about. 

2. Rooted for Deep-Blue in the famous chess game. 

1. Must be pulled off bridge when not accepted at the college of his choice.

Amsterdam Semester Abroad

Possible Courses: 

ESSENTIALS OF BONG DESIGN: Discover earth, water, wind, and fire as the tools you'll need to get rid of your syllabus... some killer hashish.

SMUGGLING 101: Who says the party's over? Years of commerce have made this Northern culture an expert at turning a rectum into a set of luggage.

MEDIEVAL CONDOM USE: Even Sir Lancelot had a rash. Discover how centuries of crotch scratchers protected their privates with specially designed shields.

THE DEVELOPMENT OF PUKE: Our native-born instructors take students from heaving to hurling.

ARCHITECTURE OF EARLY MODERN BROTHELS: With the aid of walking tours and guest hooker lecturers.

Thousands of foreign students are discovering the joyous wonder of learning about another culture while being stoned off their ass! Just listen to what these former students had to say: "Yeah, man." -- Sully, 20 "Amsterdam was... dude, I'm really hungry."

Authentic Grafitti

Make love, not war. Hell, do both: get married! 

* Women's Restroom; The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana

I've decided that to raise my grades, I must lower my standards. 

* Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. 

* Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. 

* Revolution Books. New York, New York.
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. 

* Women's Restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap. 

* Men's Restroom, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! 

* Men's Restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.

Bad Girls vs Good Girls

 

• Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot. Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.
• Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.
• Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
• Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it better.
• Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.
• Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed.
• Good girls say, ''Don't... Stop...'' Bad girls say, ''Don't Stop...''

Clemson Wedding -- A long, true story

This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. This was a huge wedding with over 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage and took the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception. To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. Taped to the bottom of everyone's chair (even the chairs of the wedding party) was a manila envelope. He said that was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open their envelopes.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. (He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.) After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said ''F--- you !'' he then turned to the bride and said ''F--- you !'' and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said..... ''Thanks, I'm out of here.''
He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning. While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong. His revenge: 1) Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception. 2) Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. 3) And best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc.... Ya gotta love this guy.

College Entrance Exam: For Football Players

You Must Answer Two (2) or More Questions Correctly to Qualify.

1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions. OR Give the first name of PIERRE Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to: (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army (d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope? (Check only one) (a) Jewish (b) CATHOLIC (c) Hindu (d) Swedish (e) Agnostic
5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 1?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (Approximate)
8. What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (C) NORTHERNERS
9. Spell -- CAT, DOG, PIG
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
EXTRA CREDIT: Using your fingers, count from 1-5.

College Roast

Q: How do you get a Maryland graduate off your porch?
A: Pay for the pizza.

Q: Why did Clemson choose orange as a school color?
A: So that the football team could wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up garbage for the rest of the week.
Q: Why did O.J. Simpson go to Raliegh, NC in the Ford Bronco?
A: He knew that the police would never look there for a Heisman Trophy winner.
Q: What are the longest three years of a Duke player's life?
A: His freshman year.
Q: Why did Georgia Tech replace the grass in its football stadium with astroturf?
A: They didn't want the cheerleaders to graze at halftime.
Q: Why do Wake Forest cheerleaders wear bibs?
A: To keep the tobacco juice off the uniforms.
Q: How many Duke freshmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, because that's a sophomore course at Florida State and Virginia.

Crappy Date

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.

Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night. Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either puking or shitting.
After several hours of this, he is able to stop puking, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes to shit. He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again. So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride).
They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees. They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up. He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course).
Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise. 'Oh shit,' he thinks (and feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy.
On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap. 'Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?' he asks. 'No problem, I'd like to look around too,' she replies. They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the right, women's fashions are on the left. They split up.
Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on theother side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) 'Just the pants.' 'What?' asks the Gap girl. 'Just the pants!' (Eyes still trained on his date.) Gap girl: 'Oh, OK.' He pays for the pants and walks over to his date, then they leave the store.
They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out...just the sweater.
PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU WOULD DO IN THIS SITUATION.
As you must have realized, the only solution is to wear the sweater as pants. So he squeezes his legs into the arms of the sweater and pulls the rest of the fabric tight around his waist. He can only keep himself covered by hunching over. Walking will be a new challenge altogether. Rather than going through the absolute trauma of returning to his seat and explaining (or creating an elaborate lie to explain) the entire incident, our hero waits in the bathroom until the train stops at the next station. He waits until the moment the train starts to pull away from the station, then dashes out of the bathroom (as quickly as a hunched over cowboy with sweater pants can dash) and jumps off the train. He is lost and stranded somewhere between New York City and Westchester. He hasn't seen the girl since.

New weapon Chicken Gun

Flash - New Weapon in America's Arsenal - Dubbed 'The Chicken Gun'

Senate majority leader Howard H. Baker Jr., expressed astonishment to the Senate, over recent news accounts of an Air Force "chicken gun."

It seems the gun is a converted 20-foot cannon capable of hurling dead four-pound chickens at airplanes at 700 miles per hour ... The armament is used to help find ways to reduce accidents caused by jets hitting birds.

"My first reaction to this story was one of bitterness," Baker told colleagues.

"I wonder why a 'special classified briefing' had not been set up for members of Congress on the new chicken gun and I wondered if Secretary of Defense Casper Weinberger was planning one."

Baker also wondered aloud "how far along the Soviet Union is with the deployment of their 'chicken gun', and how will our Minuteman, Midgetman and Sparrow missles get along with this new weapon..."

Baker went on to wonder if the Navy might be working on it's own version of 'the chicken gun', "which would be, one assumes, a 'chicken of the sea'."

Baker congratulated the Air Force "on it's resourcefulness."

"Despite the fact that there will no doubt be those that will be skeptical of such research, I for one, see nothing more involved than a little 'fowl' play," Baker replied...

Commanding the dumb

As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, "All right! All you dummies fall out."

As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention.

The instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow. I smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh sir?"

Give chocolate pudding

First soldier: "Pass me the chocolate pudding, would you?"

Second soldier: "No way, Jose!"

First soldier: "Whyever not?"

Second soldier: "It's against regulations to help another soldier to dessert!"

Indian chief's signal

An Indian chief is driving his Cadillac somewhere at Nevada. Suddenly his car gets broken. He examines it, and reveals that a technician must be called. But the chief has only $4, and no credit card (unfortunately B-) ). So he gathers some wood, makes a fire and signals his tribe with its smoke: "Hey, send somebody to my location with $500!" The tribe accepts this signal, but to make sure in its meaning, signals back - once again, with the smoke:

"OK, chief, but why so much ?"

At this moment a ground test of nuclear bomb is being held on the test field nearby. A huge mushroom-like cloud of smoke rises into the sky... The tribe signals:

"Ok, Ok, chief, we just wondered, why to be so angry?"

Marines and the police

The following is supposedly a true story relating a situation that actually occurred in Los Angeles.

The Marines were backing-up LAPD on a call that someone had broken into a store.

At the scene, the cop told the Marines to "cover" him as he approched the store (to police, "cover" means to point your weapons in the direction of the threat, to Marines it means lay down a base of fire!).

The Marines promptly laid down a base of fire. The Marines fired 178 rounds before they stopped shooting.

The thief, probably a little scared at this point, called 911 and reported, "They're shooting at me!".

Civil War Era Humor

The following are supposedly true definitions, stories, and terms relating to the Civil War.

BIGGEST MAN... The biggest man in the Union Army was Capt. David Van Buskirk of the 27th Indiana Regiment who stood 6 feet 11 inches and weighed 380 pounds. He was captured in 1862 and was sent to a Richmond Prison where a Confederate entrepreneur put him on exhibit. Even Confederate President Jeff Davis came to see him and was astounded when the impish Van Buskirk claimed that back home in Bloomington Indiana, "when I was at the train station with my company , my six sisters came to say goodbye. As I was standing there, with my company, they all came up to me, leaned down and kissed me on top of the head."

LETTER HOME... A young soldier left home to join the army. He told his girl friend that he would write every day. After about six months, he received a letter from his girlfriend that she was marrying someone else. He wrote home to his family to find out who she married. The family wrote back and told him. It was the .... mailman.

KINDNESS... Treated kindly, a soldier responds with kindness. Treated kindly, a citizen responds with treason.

PATROTIC... Many soldiers enlisted because they thought it was their duty, others joined for the bounty and others joined to impress their girlfriends. Many of the married women also encouraged their men to go to war. One of these men, while bidding his wife good bye whimpered a little and showed signs of back out. His wife told him that if he was going to cry about it, to pull off his britches and she'd go in his place and he can stay home and run the farm.

COFFIN was called a wooden overcoat.

GREY UNIFORM... After the war a former Confederate officer, who violated the city ordinance against wearing a grey uniform in public, was arrested and put in jail. He broke the law because he did not own another suit. A former Union Officer asked for and received permission from the sheriff to share the cell; remaining there until public opinion forced the one time Rebel's release with repeal of the law.

MANNERS... Don't let your hurry up take over your manners.

DRUGS... A lot of drugs will make you any person you want to be; but no drug can make you be the person you used to be.

NO HONOR... During a battle, a Captain observed that one of the soldiers of his regiment was not shooting at an enemy soldier that had dropped his musket and was running away. When the battle was over the captain sought out the soldier and asked him why he did not shoot at the retreating enemy soldier. He replied, " When that soldier decided to run away, he marked himself as a coward and has to live with the decision all his life. If I had shot him I would have shortened his burden and also there is no honor in shooting a man that is not facing you."

OFFICER'S SHOULDER BARS were called pumpkin rinds.

NO COUNTERSIGN... When food was scarce many soldiers would steal or pillage nearby farms for anything that could be converted to food or drink. One evening an Officer smelled roast pork, investigating he found a pig roasting over a camp fire and asked who the soldiers were that stole it. A Corporal came to attention and said "sir, I was on picket duty and when I heard a noise and I called out for the pass word. All I heard was oink and that is not the countersign so I shot him. We were just going to bring him to your tent for court martial and have you pass judgment on him. The Officer, suppressing a smile, said " bring only a part of him and I will pass a partial sentence."

FREE WHISKEY... A soldier, who was habitually drunk, publicly announced to all the men in his company and surrounding companies that he was swearing off drinking and that all the other soldiers should give up this foul habit also. The other soldiers would tease him to fall off the wagon by giving him whiskey and get him drunk. Every morning he would be back preaching about the sins of alcohol. One day his tent mate told him he ought to give up preaching about the evils of the jug as he always ends up drunk. With a twinkle in his blood shot eyes he said " what, and give up all that free whiskey?"

CANNONBALL... A whistling cannon ball can dampen a soldiers courage.

COWARD... A Confederate expression used to express a coward, " He developed a case of Yankee Chills."

YOUNG SOLDIER... A young soldier never sees danger until it is time to die.

SCARED... A soldier in battle stated that he was so scared that if he was a girl , he'd cry.

WAXED MUSTACHE... A soldier that had no respect for his commanding officer who wore a waxed mustache, would shout to him " take those mice out of your mouth, I can see their tails hanging out."

FOG OF WAR... A term used to describe a sense of confusion that seems to over take a Commander at the commencement of a battle.

SLIPPERY BACON... Bacon that is so rotten, it's only use would be to start a fire with.

BATHROOM... Although not listed in the rules of war, soldiers on both sides did not shoot at the enemy when he was going to the bathroom.

FIRST BATTLE... When a soldier went into a battle for the very first time, it was called " seeing the elephant " and also when two veterans would meet and discuss their first battle they would use the expression " Where did you lose your grin?" The fun for a young soldier was over once he entered his first battle.



BUGLE... In the winter, one of the favorite tricks that the soldiers would play on the bugler was to put water in his bugle at night and let it freeze. The next morning the bugler would be unable to blow reveille until he thawed out his bugle.

BUTTONS... When an officer was detailed to do many different duties by his Commander he would describe himself as having to many buttons on his coat.

ROOSTER... The Confederate Army won many of the battles in the beginning and the middle of the war. One reason was that the Union were the invaders and were attacking fortified positions. The Confederates were entrenched and defending their homeland . They described it best with the expression, " A rooster fights best on his own hill."

BAYONET... A soldier had lost his bayonet and whittled one from wood so he could stand inspection. He was hoping not to be discovered until the regiment had gone into battle where he could pick up one from a dead soldier. At an inspection, an officer asked to see his bayonet. The soldier stated " Sir, I promised my father I would never unsheathe my bayonet unless I intended to kill with it." The Officer insisted he hand over the bayonet. Taking it out, the Soldier looked skyward and declared " May the Lord change this bayonet to wood for breaking my vow."

BRAVERY... A brave soldier is a compassionate enemy.

Army needs new recruits

Top Ways The Army Is Trying To Boost Recruiting

8. Military transport flights now earn you Delta frequent flier miles

7. Where else can you shoot guns and get awakened in the middle of the night by loud explosions besides New York, Chicago and Detroit?

6. Get rid of all those creepy "Richard Simmons Wants You" posters

5. Intelligence spy satellite may be used to watch television 24 hours a day

4. Superiors may now be addressed as "Dude"

3. Make it so every hand grenade has a creamy nougat center

2. Next mission: all-out invasion of Temptation Island

1. New slogan "Army of One" replaces "Hope You Like Scrubbing Latrines!"

Give us new missiles

The 1982 Israeli invasion of Lebanon resulted in many dogfights between Syrian and Israeli jet fighters.

In the end, the Syrians lost over 80 planes and had a number of SAM batteries knocked out, while the Israelis lost no planes.

Sometime later, the Syrian Defense Minister was shopping for weapons in Moscow.

His host, the Soviet Defense Minister, was embarrassed about the scorecard from Lebanon.

He told his Syrian guest, "Take anything you want - our best tanks, rifles, or surface-to-air missiles."

"No, no - you don't understand!" the Syrian replied. "Last time you gave us surface-to-air missiles. This time we need surface-to-*jet* missiles!"

Daddy is going to war

The following is supposedly a true story relating a situation that actually occurred during the war.

During the Persian Gulf War, I was assigned to go to Saudi Arabia. As I was saying good-bye to my family, my three-year-old son, Christopher, was holding on to my leg and pleading with me not to leave. "No, Daddy, please don't go!" he kept repeating.

We were beginning to make a scene when my wife, desperate to calm him, said, "Let Daddy go and I'll take you to get a pizza."

Immediately, Christopher loosened his death grip, stepped back and in a calm voice said, "'Bye, Daddy."

Historic Custer battle

The following are supposedly true headlines that have appeared in papers during the war.

Some Leading Papers' Coverage of Custer's Massacre

Variety: "Custer Closes Out of Town"

Pravda: "Big Red Victory."

Sports Illustrated: "Indians Win Series"

Women's Wear Daily: "Feathers Make Comeback"

Reader's Digest: "Sitting Bull Reveals New Cure for Dandruff"

The Washington Post: "Custer Loses Rural Vote"

Piloting your plane

An F-111 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.

The message for the B-52 crew was, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge.

The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however.

Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?"

"We just shut down two engines."

Misunderstanding terms

One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language.

For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

Where are you from?

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theater. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?"

"Sam," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied.... "The balcony."

You are in trouble

An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!."

There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.

As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."

Solve Indian puzzles

An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.

Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.

"Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"

The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

Make a last request

Once upon a time a Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman were captured by the Red Indians on a prospecting trip in North America. They been tied up against their respective totem poles for a day when the Chief walked up to the Englishman, pinched the skin of his upper arm and said, "Hmmm, heap good skin, nice and thick. Will make heap good canoe. You have a last request?"

"That case of gin I had when your boys caught me. I'd like that", says the Englishman. He's provided with his gin and is taken off to a teepee for his final night. The Englishman drinks two bottles of gin.

In the morning the Indians dispatch him, skin him and make him into a canoe. The canoe lasts a couple of days when it tears on a rock. Next day the Chief walks up to the Scotsman, pinches the skin at the top of his arm and says, "Hmmm, heap, heap good skin, very, very thick. Will make heap, heap good canoe. You have a last request?

"Ah'll huv ma whisky back", says the Scotsman. He's provided with his whisky and taken off to a teepee for his final night. The Scotsman drinks three bottles of whisky. He's already dead when the Indians come to collect him the next morning. They skin him and make him into a canoe. The canoe lasts a week before it tears on a rock. Next day the Chief walks up to the Irishman, pinches the skin at the top of his arm and says, "Hmmm, heap, heap, heap, heap good skin, very, very, very, very thick. Will make heap, heap, heap, heap good canoe. You have a last request?

"I'd loike a fork.", says the Irishman.

The Chief gives him a funny look but gives him the fork. The Irishman takes the fork, stabs himself repeatedly shouting, "Yer no makin' any bloody canoe outta me!"

Is that your horse?

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know............ you left your Injun running!!!"

Texan with a new car

Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse. "I know that smart aleck Tex," said the first. "He's going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back."

"Not Tex," the second cowboy replied. "He'll always be just a good ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello."

"I know Tex better than either of you," said the third. "He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now." Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted, "Audi, partners!"

Learn it by listening

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"

"Yeah," says the other cowboy.

"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."

Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."

"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"

The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."

Stagecoach surprise

I had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right.

The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse.

Just before he rode off, I yelled out,

"What was all that about?"

He replied,

"Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."

Had any accidents?

The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.

"Ever have an accident?"

"Nope, nary a one."

"None? You've never had any accidents."

"Nope. Ain't never had one. Never."

"Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?"

"Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose."

Texan's guide to life

Never squat with yer spurs on.

There's two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.

Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

Finally, never miss a good chance to shut up.

Indians and Polish

There were two Indians and a Polish fellow walking along together in the desert, when, all of a sudden, one of the Indians took off and ran up a hill to the mouth of a cave.

He stopped and hollered into the cave... "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" and then listened very closely until he heard the answer..."Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He then tore off his clothes and ran in to the cave.

The Polish fellow was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was that Indian goofy or something.

"No", said the other Indian. "It is mating time for us Indians and when you see a cave and holler, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!", and get an answer back, that means that she is in there waiting for you.

Well, just about that time, the other Indian saw another cave. He took off and ran up to the cave, then stopped and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" When he heard the return, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!", off came the clothes and into the cave he goes.

The Polack started running around the desert looking for a cave to find these women that the Indians had talked about. All of a sudden, he looked up and saw this great big cave.

As he looked in amazement, he was thinking, "Man! Look at the size of that cave! It's bigger then the ones that those Indians found. There must really be something really great in this cave!"

Well... he took-off up the hill at a super fast speed. He got in front of the cave and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He was just tickled all over when he heard the answering call of, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!! WOOOOOOOOO!!! Off came his clothes and, with a big smile on his face, he raced into the cave.

The next day in the newspaper the head lines read, Naked Polack Run Over By Freight Train!!

She's new to football

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.

"I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'"

He is new to baseball

Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked.

"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"

"Really? How'd you do that?"

"I dropped the ball."

Baseball in Heaven?

Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.

Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.

"Bob, Is that you?" Earl asked.

"Of course it me," Bob replied.

"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl."

"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."

Quotes of Yogi Berra

Yogi Berra Quotes

"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."

"Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical."

"If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's gonna stop them."

"No wonder nobody comes here; it's too crowded."

"We made too many wrong mistakes."

"You can observe a lot by just watching."

"I usually take a two-hour nap from 1 to 4." - Yogi Berra

Digger Phelps quotes

Digger Phelps' Words of Wisdom

From the NCAA Tournament:

"Basketball is a game of two halves."

"We have to remember that whoever scores the most points by the end wins."

"You're either a good team or a bad team, and they played somewhere in the middle."

"He's like all great players -- not great yet."

"You don't score 86 points without being able to shoot."

Mixed football jokes

A burglary was recently committed at West Ham's ground and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. The police are looking for a man with a claret & blue carpet.

The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out "Charlton are good enough to win the European Cup." Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"

Q: How does Stan Collymore change a lightbulb?
A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him

The Fire brigade phones George Graham in the early hours of Sunday morning.

"Mr Graham sir, White Hart Lane is on fire!"

"The cups man! Save the cups!" cries George.

"Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."

Apparently, Harry Redknapp offered to send the West Ham squad on an expenses paid holiday to Florida but they said they'd rather go to Blackpool so they could see what it's like to ride on an open-top bus.

Big Ron was caught speeding on his way to the City Ground today.
"I'll do anything for 3 points", he said when questioned.

The Nottingham Forest Chairman is considering replacing Big Ron with Steve Davis. Explaining this unusual move, he said "we don't just need points now, we need snookers!"

British Rail have decided to start sponsoring Forest. BR think they are a suitable team because of their regular points failures.

The Cowboy excuses

Top Dallas Cowboy Excuses (for losing 1995 NFC Championship)

From David Letterman - Tuesday, January 17, 1995

1.     Afraid to play in Super Bowl against anyone but the Bills.

2.     Distracted by delicious smell of barbecue coming from John Madden's announce booth.

3.     Trying to make one of Marv Albert's blooper reels.

4.     Our friends on New York Jets convinced us: "Winning's no big deal."

5.     Worried sick about Letterman botching the Academy Awards.

6.     Those big guys on other team kept trying to knock us down.

7.     Who needs all the pressure of a Super Bowl? Not us, Lonnie!

8.     What a time to notice, them cheerleader outfits is skimpy!

9.     Tired of going to Disneyland.

Workout at the gym

At the Gym

For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.

Day 1

They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress this week. Started the morning at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be great.

Day 2

Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel great

Day 3

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.

Day 4

Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.

Day 5

I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well, I have news for you Tanya, I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, you went to sadist school, you are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?

Day 6

Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

Day 7

Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like free teeth drilling at the dentist's.

The Tyson one-liners

Q: What did Louis Farrakahn say to Mike Tyson after the fight?
A: No stupid an Eye for an Eye!!!!

Tyson's psychologist told Mike to take a year off, he obviously misunderstood....good thing he didn't say two!

Tyson's favorite football team-the Tampa Bay Buc-an-EARS.

For the third fight between Mike and Evander, Tyson wants it to be held in Earie, PA.

New Tyson burger: There is a piece of the champ in every bite!!!

They are making a new boxing term for Tyson....instead of KO, it will be a Van Gogh. "Evander was Van Gogh'd in the third!!!"

Can't beat um...Eat um!!!!

If Tyson fights Golatta,is it more points for a low blow or an ear bite?

In this corner Evander "the Real Meal" Holyfield!!!!!!!

Before the fight, Mike's trainer told him to get a piece of Holyfied. Oops, bad advice.

Iron BITE Tyson, the heavyweight CHOMP of the world!

The NFL team names

NFL Team Lame Names

When a football team is having trouble getting into the win column, fans usually assign a more appropriate name to describe that team's performance. Here is a collection of some of these lame names for the NFL.

AFC West:

Denver Broncos - Denver Donkeys

Kansas City Chiefs - Kansas City Griefs

Los Angeles Raiders - Los Angeles Faders

San Diego Chargers - San Diego Rechargers

Seattle Seahawks - Seattle Weehawks

AFC Central:

Cincinnati Bengals - Cincinnati Plaingels

Cleveland Browns - Cleveland Clowns

Houston Oilers - Houston Spoilers

Pittsburgh Steelers - Pittsburgh Reelers

AFC East:

Buffalo Bills - Buffalo Nils

Buffalo Spills

Indianapolis Colts - Indianapolis Dolts

Miami Dolphins - Miami Stallfins

Miami Soft Ones

New England Patriots - New England Patsys

New York Jets - New York Pets

New York Not Yets

NFC West:

Atlanta Falcons - Atlanta Fellcons

New Orleans Saints - New Orleans Aint's

Los Angeles Rams - Los Angeles Lambs

San Francisco 49ers - San Francisco Whiners

NFC Central:

Chicago Bears - Chicago Fairs

Detroit Lions - Detroit Cryin's

Detroit Kittens

Green Bay Packers - Green Bay Fudgepackers

Green Bay Slackers

Green Bay Whackers

Minnesota Vikings - Minnesota Tykes

Minnesota ViQueens

Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Tampa Bay Yuccaneers

NFC East:

Arizona Cardinals - Arizona Tardynals

Dallas Cowboys - Dallas Cowgirls

Dallas Cowpie

New York Giants - New York Midgets

Philadelphia Eagles - Philadelphia Beagles

Washington Redskins - Washington Deadskins

Expansion Teams:

Carolina Panthers - Carolina Can't-thers

Jacksonville Jaguars - Jacksonville Saguars