Top ten things that sound dirty, but in the office aren't:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.

9. Mind if I use your laptop?

8. Just stick it in my box.

7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!

6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!

5. Hmm, I think it's out of fluid.

4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.

3. It's an entry-level position.

2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

1. It's not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!!!

Politically correct ways to say someone is stupid

1. Light's on but nobody is home. 

2. A brick shy of a full load. 

3. Doesn't have all of their dogs barking. 

4. Not the brightest crayon in the box. 

5. Not the sharpest knife in the draw. 

6. A few clowns short of a circus. 

7. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. 

8. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity. 

9. A few beers short of a six-pack. 

10. Dumber than a box of hair. 

11. A few peas short of a casserole. 

12. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box. 

13. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. 

14. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl. 

15. One taco short of a combination plate. 

16. A few feathers short of a whole duck. 

17. All foam, no beer. 

18. The cheese slid off his cracker. 

19. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel. 

20. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt. 

21. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. 

22. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. 

23. He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. 

24. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. 

25. As smart as bait. 

26. Chimney's clogged. 

27. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash. 

28. Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair. 

29. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor. 

30. Forgot to pay his brain bill. 

31. Her sewing machine's out of thread. 

32. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels. 

33. His belt doesn't go through all the loops. 

34. If he had another brain, it would be lonely. 

35. Missing a few buttons on his remote control. 

36. No grain in the silo. 

37. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. 

38. Receiver is off the hook. 

39. Several nuts short of a full pouch. 

40. Skylight leaks a little. 

41. Slinky's kinked. 

42. Surfing in Nebraska. 

43. Too much yardage between the goal posts. 

44. In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little farther apart than most. 

45. As bright as a 1/2 watt bulb. 

46. As swift as roadkill rabbit. 

47. As sharp as a butter knife. 

48. As swift as a sailboat on a calm day. 

49. As bright as a bag of hammers.

Most common lies

1. I won't laugh. I promise.

2. Your table will be ready in a few minutes.

3. I never got your text.

4. I have read and agreed to the terms and conditions.

5. You will need to know this later in life.

6. No, I'm OK. I'm just tired.

7. OK, just one more episode.

8. I'm on my way.

9. Sorry, my parents said no.

10. I'm just kidding.

The Ten Ifs of Employment

1. If it rings, put it on hold.

2. If it clunks, call the repairman.

3. If it whistles, ignore it.

4. If it's a friend, stop work and chat.

5. If it's the boss, look busy.

6. If it talks, take notes.

7. If it's handwritten, type it.

8. If it's typed, copy it.

9. If it's copied, file it.

10. If it's Friday, forget it!

10 Things Never to Say to a Taller Woman

10. "You must be a model!" (This line shows that you're not trying very hard, even if you clarify up front that you're only asking because she's really rilly pretty.)

9. "You can't be 5'10". I'm 5'10"!" (It's one thing to lie about your height while you're sitting down or on an Internet profile. When you say this to someone who has to lean down to hear it, you're busted.)


8. "Is it hard for you to meet people taller than you?" (If she has to explain the bell curve to you, you might not be an intellectual match.)

7. "Now there's a tree I'd like to climb." (Yummeh.)

6. "How do you kiss?" (Or the skin-crawling subset: "Wow, I feel like I'm the girl!" You do realize that kissing doesn't require her to use her legs, right?)

5. "I could eat my way to the top." (Stop. Just stop.)

4. "How tall are you, anyway?" (Think about it: Whatever she answers won't make much difference, except that you'll look sorta insecure for having asked. Use some deductive reasoning and you should be able to guess within an inch or two.)

3. "How do you wear heels?" (Like everyone else: one foot at a time. She looks even better when she does it, shortstack.)

2. "It won't matter much when we're lying down." (Only a fool would invite commentary on the inches that do make a difference during horizontal integration.)

1. "Do you play basketball?" (People don't ask "Do you play professional baseball?" just because you're paunchy and chew tobacco. Pay it forward by giving tall women the same courtesy.)

Bad Date Signs

1. Not only is she a little young, but you're sure that you used to date her mother....

2. You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little league with her....

3. She has a thicker mustache than you....

4. When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract describing your duties and restrictions....

5. Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system....

6. At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good for a free shot of penicillin at the nearest clinic....

7. She beats up some guy for making fun of your hair cut....

8. At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house, and her pimp is waiting there with your bill....

9. She informs you that you can't go out again because her spirit guide doesn't like you....

10. She informs you that you can't go out again because her boyfriend doesn't like you....

Stoopit Pickup Lines

.

1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here! 

2. Just call me milk, I'll do your body good. 

3. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock. 

4. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you. 

5. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too. 

6. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it. 

7. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous. 

8. Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants. 

9. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

10. Baby, you must be tired cuz you have been running through my mind all night!

If Men got pregnant!

1. Maternity leave would last two years....with full pay.

2. There would be a cure for stretch marks.

3. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

4. Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.

5. All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.

6. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.

7. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

8. They wouldn't think twins were so cute.

9. Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.

10. Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.

11. Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.

12. They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.

13. Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's.

14. Women would rule the world.

MEN: Please Read Rules Before Proceding

1. Please do not talk to my breast. You won't be meeting them.

2. If you want to control someone sleep with your remote.

3. I always choose chocolate over men-always.

4. 51% love goddess 49% bitch.

5. My sexual preference is NO.

6. MY body is a temple, now get on your knees and pray.

7. It's not the size that counts, it's... no, wait, size does count.

8. Rrmember you horny peice of dirt, girls are made of sugar,  spice, and everything nace.

9. Men are like hardware floors, lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them forever.

10. Save your breath for your inflatable date.

On Gender Differences

The following comments are those of Bill Hall who is a syndicated humor columnist for the Lewiston Morning Tribune in Lewiston, Idaho.

Consider bathing, for instance. As a general rule, middle-aged women take baths at night. The men shower each morning. The men like to go to bed dirty and go to work clean. Women prefer to go to bed clean and to work dirty. That's why men usually take their coffee breaks with other men.

Women read more boring magazines than men. They read silly, pedestrian magazines filled with articles on making quilts, turning bleach bottles into stunning centerpieces, the use of orange eyeshadow and how to get men to shower before going to bed instead of before going to work.

Men read sensible, intellectual journals on how to catch fish and kill little animals.

When a man cooks, he keeps his knives sharp. Most female cooks don't. Indeed, most female cooks don't even own a decent kitchen knife, let alone a sharp one.
Female cooks offer the excuse that they would cut themselves if they had a sharp knife. And anyone with knives that lousy probably would.

There is another difference between male and female cooks. Female cooks generally cook better with dull knives than male cooks do with sharp knives. That's how infuriating female cooks can be.

Most women in my age group wear dresses occasionally. Only a few of my male friends do and then only in the privacy of their own homes.

The women hobble around on high-heeled shoes. Most men would never do anything that silly. In fact, there is a name for the kind of men who wear high heels. They are called cowboys.

Women laugh at men for wearing neckties and coats on 100-degree summer days. They snicker at men for wearing more clothes than necessary in hot weather. However, the women who do that are sweating in their pantyhose.

Most women in my age group wear make-up. Very few of the men do. There is a name for men who wear make-up. They are called weird cowboys.

Women are far more likely to be lousy tippers in restaurants, and to complain thereafter that men always get better service than they do.

Women fold their underwear. Most men merely stuff their underwear into the drawer. Men use the time they save to catch fish and kill little animals.

Most women, when lost, will stop and ask directions. Most men in my age group believe admitting you're lost will cast doubt on your manhood. That's why so many macho men are lost. Smarter men prove their manhood by stopping and asking women for directions, even when they aren't lost.

There is another big difference between men and women in my age group. A competent man tends to rise through the ranks so easily that he eventually reaches a level where he is incompetent. Dr. Laurence J. Peter has dubbed this process the Peter Principle.

Women in my age group tend to be held below the level of their competence, making them embarrassing to work with because they tend to outshine male colleagues at the same level.

This is known as the Pain-in-the-Neck Principle. Incompetent men who have been subjected to that humiliation retaliate by refusing to promote women. And rightly so. You don't want people in the board room who don't shower each morning.