DC Blonde

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"
The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off.

Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?"
The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

Problem with a dog

Police officer: Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle.

Dog owner: Are you crazy? My dog can't even ride a bicycle.

 

Optimist vs. Pessimist

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"

Laws of Household Physics

Ever notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as every other law in the universe? Here are a few examples:

 

1. A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to the ability to actually do the work involved. 

 

2. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one. 

 

 

3. A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window. 

 

 

4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed. 

 

 

5. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage. 

 

 

6. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight. 

 

 

7. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote controls divided by the number of viewers. 

 

 

8. The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor temperature. 

 

 

9. The capacity of any hot water heater is equal to one and one-half sibling showers. 

 
 

10. What goes up must come down, except for bubble gum, kites and slightly used Rice Krispies. 

 

 

11. Place two children in a room full of toys and they will both want to play with the same toy.