How to Tell if You're a Woman

1. You're a Bitch. 

2. When asked "Is something bothering you?" you reply "no," then get pissed off when you are believed. 

3. You become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him, and immediately expect him to stop this behaviour. 

4. You always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening. 

5. You always hide very important events in very unimportant terms so you can have something to be pissed about when your boyfriend declines because he has pressing business. For example, you say "It's no big deal, but I was wondering if you would like to visit my parents with me if you are not busy this weekend," when you mean "It means a great deal to me for you to see my family with me this weekend - whether it is possible or not!" 

6. You whine. 

7. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost superhuman level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep it's because he is lazy. 

8. No matter what the activity, he doesn't do it as well as a past boyfriend. 

9. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you. 

10. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you. 

11. You complain. 

12. You hate any bar he likes. 

13. You demand to be treated as an equal in everything - except when paying for meals, airplane tickets, concerts, beers, clothes, etc. - these are required gifts proving his love. 

14. You declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all the stress of your life. 

15. Any woman who so much as stares at your boyfriend is labelled a WHORE, and your network of friends is informed immediately to spread this 'fact' as quickly as possible. 

16. You make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs.

17. You break into tears for no apparent reason, then use number 2. 

18. You ask for help in some endeavour then become livid when it is given. 

19. You insinuate yourself into your boyfriend's group of friends, break up with him, then make sure you are present at every gathering for the next month just to rub it in. 

20. You must have two sets of clothes: your "Fat Clothes" and your "Clothes I'm Going to Fit In Someday, I Swear". Still, you don't like any of them. 

21. (Corollary to #4) You have three closets (plus two dressers and six boxes) full of clothes, yet you stand in front of them for three hours before an important dinner declaring, "I have nothing to wear." 

22. You actually like the Lifetime cable channel. 

23. Girls Night Out is a special treat. Boys Night Out is forbidden.

25 more things you will never here a women say

1. You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me. 

2. I know I'm sore and my parents are in the other room, I still want you right now! 

3. This porno scene is boring, fast forward to the more action. 

4. Don't get up, I kinda like sleeping in the wetspot 

5. Don't dirty up your T-shirt wiping that up, use my blouse 

6. That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch porno's again? 

7. I bet it would be kinky to watch you with our baby sitter Tracy. 

8. You're my daddy, you're my daddy! 

9. The new girl in my office is a stripper, I invited her over for dinner on Friday.

10. Honey, did you leave that skid in the toilet bowl? Good one!

11. While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover. 

12. Bar food again!? Kick ass.

13. I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your Ex girlfriend has class. 

14. That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am, Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her. 

15. I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more. 

16. I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a wonderful Valentines day!

17. Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore. 

18. I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want 'em?

19. It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers. 

20. Honey come here! Watch me do a Tequila Shot off of Stephanie's bare ass! 

21. My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another round for you and your friends. 

22. I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again. 

23. Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch. You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya' big silly! 

24. You are so much smarter than my father. 

25. If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch Sportscenter.

Vocabulary: Female vs. Male

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's
partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a
weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured
makes "look bigger."
male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, home run,
or goal.
Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's
girlfriend.


ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything that can be done while drinking

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and
male bonding.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 1/2
minutes.

FAQs -- Men -- 1

Why are men such jerks?

It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average lifespan of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.
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Why do men always have to ogle at other women?

Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.
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Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?

We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.
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Why do men always say such stupid things?

We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.
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Why are men so uncommunicative?

You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.
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Why do men have to act like such retards?

Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.
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Why can't men just share their feelings?

Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.
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Why can't men cuddle more (i.e. lie down and hug)?

Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the heck (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.
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How can men sit on their asses all day without moving?

Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The figgidy types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etcetera. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.
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Why can't men just say "I love you?"

Men are taught from a tender young age to be self- sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.
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Why do men say "I love you" when they hardly know me?

Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.
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What does it mean when men say "I Love You?"

1 Pleas 2 I'm sorry for whatever i 3 I forgot to get you a gift; this 4 Huh? I'm sorry; I w 5 What did I forget? This should buy m 6 7 What do I have to do to get a beer around here?
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Why doesn't my partner ever answer me?

We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

Differences between good girls and bad girls

·        Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot. 

·        Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons. 

·        Good girls wax their floors. 

·        Bad girls wax their bikini lines. 

·        Good girls blush during sex scenes in a movie. 

·        Bad girls know they could do it better. 

·        Good girls wear white cotton panties. 

·        Bad girls don't wear any. 

·        Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. 

·        Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls. 

·        Good girls only own one credit card and rarley use it. 

·        Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.

·        Good girls pack their toothbrush.

·        Bad girls pack their diaphragms. 

·        Goodgirls wear high heels to work. 

·        Bad girls wear high heels to bed. 

·        Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have sex. 

·        Bad girls think no place is the wrong place. 

·        Good girls prefer the missionary postition. 

·        Bad girls do too, but only for starters. 

·        Good girls say 'no'. 

·        Bad girls say 'when?'

Womem's Lament

·        The nice men are ugly. 

·        The handsome men are not nice. 

·        The handsome and nice men are gay. 

·        The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.

·        The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money. 

·        The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money. 

·        The handsome men without money are after our money. 

·        The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough. 

·        The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual,somewhat nice and have money, are cowards. 

·        The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and  have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!! 

·        The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative. 

·        And yet, WOMEN are the CONFUSING sex?

How To Uplift your Workplace

Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.

Make up nick names for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha."

Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.

While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.

Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.

Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.

Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."

Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

Signs of PMS

Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

You add chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

Your husband is suddenly agreeing with everything you say.

You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that reads, "How's my driving--call 1-800-***-****."

Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

You're convinced there's a God and he's male.

You're counting down the days until menopause.

You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

Three little letters (M, E, and N) send you into an uncontrollable rage.