SOME NEW IDEAS IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO WRITE ON YOUR CARDS

"Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder:...

-- What was I thinking?"
"Congratulations on your wedding day!...

-- Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful you....

-- have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love...

-- After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life...

-- I never believed in Hell until I met you."
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

-- that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me...

-- Like the need for therapy."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!...

-- I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Before you go,...

I would like you to take this knife out of my back.
-- You'll probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married...
-- but not to you."

"You look great for your age...
-- Almost Lifelike!"

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me...
-- Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend...
-- So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time...
-- What do you say we call it quits?"

"I'm so miserable without you...
-- It's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...
-- Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
-- I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

NEW RULES FOR DINING OUT

Rule #1: If you're travelling, never ever eat in any place called "Mom's" -- well, unless

the only other places in town to dine are named "Eats" and "Dirty Harry's".

Rule #2: If you've entered a restaurant in the "Little Italy" section of the town, and you've noticed all the waiters are wearing shoulder holsters, you'd better just leave.

Rule #3: If you're waiting in line to be seated at a nice restaurant, you can always figure a wait of two hours or a twenty -- whichever comes first.

Rule #4: If you're given a choice of tables by the maitre d'hotel, my suggestion is that you always request one near a waiter.

Rule #5: If you notice that the tablecloth and the napkins are made of a better material than any suit you own, you'd better hope your credit card is not maxed-out.

Rule #6: If you're in a fancy restaurant and you find you cannot pronounce some dish on the menu, chances are you probably can't afford it either.

Rule #7: If you've been served bread and rolls while awaiting your meal, and you find the place is using a cheap substitute for margarine, you'd probably better just leave.

Rule #8: If you notice a bottle of Maalox along with a variety of other antacids among the condiments on the table, you'd probably better not order anything spicy.