SOMETHING FOR FRIDAY, TOMORROW FOR SATURDAY

Chocolate Ice Cream

A man walked into an ice cream shop...

Man: I'd like some chocolate ice cream.
Scooper: I'm sorry sir, but we're out of chocolate. Would you like something else?
Man: Yes, I'd like some chocolate ice cream.
Scooper: I'm sorry, but we don't have that. Would you like to try a different flavor?
Man: Um... yes. I'd like some chocolate ice cream.
Scooper: We don't have that. How about a different kind of ice cream?
Man: I'll have some chocolate ice cream.
Scooper: Look, Mister, can you spell the “van” in vanilla?
Man: V-A-N.
Scooper: Can you spell the “straw” in strawberry?
Man: S-T-R-A-W.
Scooper: Can you spell the “fuck” in chocolate?
Man: But there is no “fuck” in chocolate!
Scooper: That's what I've been trying to tell you!

Computer Diagnosis

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

Don't Make Me Bible Belt You

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.

"I'll make a deal with you," said his father. "You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and then we'll talk."
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
"Son, I'm real proud of you. You've brought your grades up and you've studied your Bible, but you didn't get hair cut!"
"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
"Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

Fast Food Job Application

This is an actual jobapplication someone submitted at a fast-food establishment...

NAME:  Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION:  Reclining.  Ha ha.  But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY:  $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:  Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:  Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY:  Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:  My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:  It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:  Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:  1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:  Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:   If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:  Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:  I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?:  Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:  Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:  No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE:  Scorpio with Libra rising.

Fun Things to Do at a Drive-Thru

1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and let your passenger order.
2. Ask the price of almost everything on the menu and then order something that you didn't ask the price for.
3. Tell the employee that your window is broken. Order and then pay with your door open. When the food comes, roll down the window and snatch your order from their hands.
4. Go to McDonald's and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.
5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels.
6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you're in.
7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window-shopping and drive on.
8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.
9. Ask the cashier how they fit into that little box.
10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.
11. Demand to speak to the manager. When they come on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said, "May I take your order?"
12. When asked if they can take your order say, "Why, can I take yours?"
13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.
14. Pretend your car has broken down. Ask for assistance moving it. When they come out, drive away.
15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom.
16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it.
17. Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.
18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag with all the trash from your car in it.
19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare.
20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.

Heavenly Reward

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there.

St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. But before I let you into heaven, I have to ask you a couple of questions. Make sure you tell the truth because if you don't, we'll have to ask you to visit the beast below. Your answers will also determine what kind of car you will get. You have to have a car here in heaven because it is so huge!"
St. Peter asked the first man, "How long were you married?"
The guy replied, "24 years."
St. Peter then asked, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?"
The guy said, "Yeah, about 10 times... but you said I was forgiven."
Peter said, "Yes, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto for you to drive."
The second guy got the same questions from Peter to which he replied, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her only once, but that was during our first year and we worked it out. I was faithful thereafter."
Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that. Here's a Mercedes SUV for you to drive."
The third guy said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"
Peter said, "Now that's what I like to hear! Here's a Jaguar for you to drive."
A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk, so they went to see what was the matter. When they asked him what was wrong he tearily said, "I just saw my wife and she was on a skateboard!"

Hell Freezes Over

Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School of Chemical Engineering, Final Exam for May of 1997 consisted of only one question. Dr. Schambaugh is known for asking questions such as, ''Why do airplanes fly?'' on his final exams. His one and only final exam question in May 1997 for his Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II class was:

''Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof.''
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let us look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, then you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. Two options exist:
1. If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose. 2. If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the quote given to me by Theresa Manyan during Freshman year, ''that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you'' and take into account the fact that I still have NOT succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then Option 2 cannot be true. Thus, hell is exothermic."
The student, Tim Graham, got the only A.

Hollywood Lessons

 

1.     It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

2.     Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

3.     All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her.

4.     At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

5.     Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

6.     All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

7.     Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least a half-hour to escape.

8.     You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

9.     A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

10.                       If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

11.                       If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

12.                       Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

13.                       All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off, but luckily you'll always blindly choose to cut the right wire.

14.                       A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

15.                       Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

How To Be Annoying (A Guide)

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you ''like it that way.''
* Drum on every available surface.
* Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
* Staple papers in the middle of the page.
* Ask 800 operators for dates.
* Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
* Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
* Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
* Specify that your drive-through order is ''to go.''
* Set alarms for random times.
* Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
* Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
* Honk and wave to strangers.
* Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
* Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
* Tape pieces of ''Sweating to the Oldies'' over climactic parts of rental movies. * Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
* ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
* only type in lowercase.
* dont use any punctuation either.
* Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
* Pay for your dinner with pennies.
* Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
* Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: ''Do you hear that?'' ''What?'' ''Never mind, it's gone now.''
* Light road flares on a birthday cake.
* Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
* Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
* Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
* At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
* As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
* Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
* Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
* Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
* Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
* Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce ''No, wait, I messed it up!'' and repeat.
* Drive half a block.
* Name your dog ''Dog.''
* Ask people what gender they are.
* Reply to everything someone says with ''That's what YOU think.''
* Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
* Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a ''real hoot''.
* Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off ''in case the big one comes''.
* Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
* Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as ''Feliz Navidad'', the Archies' ''Sugar'' or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
* While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
* Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
* Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
* Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
* Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
* Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
* Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
* Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
* Wear a LOT of cologne.
* Ask to ''interface'' with someone.
* Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your ''superior mental processing.''
* Sing along at the opera.
* Mow your lawn with scissors.
* At a golf tournament, chant ''swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!''
* Finish all your sentences with the words ''in accordance with prophesy.''
* Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
* Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about ''psychological profiles.''
* Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a ''magic picture''.
* Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
* Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
* Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
* Never make eye contact.
* Never break eye contact.
* Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
* Construct elaborate ''crop circles'' in your front lawn.
* Construct your own pretend ''tricorder'' and ''scan'' people with it, announcing the results.
* Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
* Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
* Make appointments for the 31st of September.
* Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
* Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.