BACK TO COLLEGE

10 Signs That A Kid Is A Nerd

10. Likes people that oppress him: teachers, parents, principals, police, and authority figures. 

9. Is overly enthusiastic about 'Dungeons and Dragons' and other role playing games.

8. Very familiar with megahertz, wears glasses and, can quote scripture. 

7. Frequently speaks of martial arts, but still gets beaten up. 

6. Says 'Whom' instead of 'Who.' 

5. Is pleased when disruptive individuals are sent to the office, so that they can continue with their learning. 

4. Prefers NPR to any music. 

3. Gets upset when there is a test or quiz that he did not know about. 

2. Rooted for Deep-Blue in the famous chess game. 

1. Must be pulled off bridge when not accepted at the college of his choice.

Amsterdam Semester Abroad

Possible Courses: 

ESSENTIALS OF BONG DESIGN: Discover earth, water, wind, and fire as the tools you'll need to get rid of your syllabus... some killer hashish.

SMUGGLING 101: Who says the party's over? Years of commerce have made this Northern culture an expert at turning a rectum into a set of luggage.

MEDIEVAL CONDOM USE: Even Sir Lancelot had a rash. Discover how centuries of crotch scratchers protected their privates with specially designed shields.

THE DEVELOPMENT OF PUKE: Our native-born instructors take students from heaving to hurling.

ARCHITECTURE OF EARLY MODERN BROTHELS: With the aid of walking tours and guest hooker lecturers.

Thousands of foreign students are discovering the joyous wonder of learning about another culture while being stoned off their ass! Just listen to what these former students had to say: "Yeah, man." -- Sully, 20 "Amsterdam was... dude, I'm really hungry."

Authentic Grafitti

Make love, not war. Hell, do both: get married! 

* Women's Restroom; The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana

I've decided that to raise my grades, I must lower my standards. 

* Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. 

* Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. 

* Revolution Books. New York, New York.
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. 

* Women's Restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap. 

* Men's Restroom, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! 

* Men's Restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.

Bad Girls vs Good Girls

 

• Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot. Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.
• Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.
• Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
• Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it better.
• Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.
• Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed.
• Good girls say, ''Don't... Stop...'' Bad girls say, ''Don't Stop...''

Clemson Wedding -- A long, true story

This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. This was a huge wedding with over 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage and took the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception. To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. Taped to the bottom of everyone's chair (even the chairs of the wedding party) was a manila envelope. He said that was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open their envelopes.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. (He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.) After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said ''F--- you !'' he then turned to the bride and said ''F--- you !'' and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said..... ''Thanks, I'm out of here.''
He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning. While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong. His revenge: 1) Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception. 2) Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. 3) And best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc.... Ya gotta love this guy.

College Entrance Exam: For Football Players

You Must Answer Two (2) or More Questions Correctly to Qualify.

1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions. OR Give the first name of PIERRE Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to: (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army (d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope? (Check only one) (a) Jewish (b) CATHOLIC (c) Hindu (d) Swedish (e) Agnostic
5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 1?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (Approximate)
8. What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (C) NORTHERNERS
9. Spell -- CAT, DOG, PIG
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
EXTRA CREDIT: Using your fingers, count from 1-5.

College Roast

Q: How do you get a Maryland graduate off your porch?
A: Pay for the pizza.

Q: Why did Clemson choose orange as a school color?
A: So that the football team could wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up garbage for the rest of the week.
Q: Why did O.J. Simpson go to Raliegh, NC in the Ford Bronco?
A: He knew that the police would never look there for a Heisman Trophy winner.
Q: What are the longest three years of a Duke player's life?
A: His freshman year.
Q: Why did Georgia Tech replace the grass in its football stadium with astroturf?
A: They didn't want the cheerleaders to graze at halftime.
Q: Why do Wake Forest cheerleaders wear bibs?
A: To keep the tobacco juice off the uniforms.
Q: How many Duke freshmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, because that's a sophomore course at Florida State and Virginia.

Crappy Date

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.

Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night. Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either puking or shitting.
After several hours of this, he is able to stop puking, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes to shit. He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again. So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride).
They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees. They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up. He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course).
Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise. 'Oh shit,' he thinks (and feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy.
On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap. 'Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?' he asks. 'No problem, I'd like to look around too,' she replies. They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the right, women's fashions are on the left. They split up.
Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on theother side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) 'Just the pants.' 'What?' asks the Gap girl. 'Just the pants!' (Eyes still trained on his date.) Gap girl: 'Oh, OK.' He pays for the pants and walks over to his date, then they leave the store.
They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out...just the sweater.
PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU WOULD DO IN THIS SITUATION.
As you must have realized, the only solution is to wear the sweater as pants. So he squeezes his legs into the arms of the sweater and pulls the rest of the fabric tight around his waist. He can only keep himself covered by hunching over. Walking will be a new challenge altogether. Rather than going through the absolute trauma of returning to his seat and explaining (or creating an elaborate lie to explain) the entire incident, our hero waits in the bathroom until the train stops at the next station. He waits until the moment the train starts to pull away from the station, then dashes out of the bathroom (as quickly as a hunched over cowboy with sweater pants can dash) and jumps off the train. He is lost and stranded somewhere between New York City and Westchester. He hasn't seen the girl since.