12 Advantages of being a man & the only 2 disadvantage

12 top advantages of being a man:

1. You can play football

2. You don\'t have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

3. It doesn\'t ruin your day if your best freind doesn\'t notice your new haircut.

4. You don\'t need a diamond ring to make a commitment.

5. You just make the babies, you don\'t have to give them.

6. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

7. You don\'t cook, you barbeque.

8. You get to make fun of homosexuals instead of shopping with them.

9. The only nails you break are steel.

10. When you hit 30, you\'re still drinking beer.

11. Red doesn\'t make you look fat.

12. Weight-watchers doesn\'t allow men.

The only 2 disadvantages of being a man:

1. Bars don\'t have men\'s night (They only have ladies night.)

2. You can\'t get a job by showing your boobs.

 

52 WORST PICKUP LINES...

1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!

2. Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go screw.

3. Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.

4. Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

5. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

6. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.

7. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

8. My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going....

9. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.

10. Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way right away.

11. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

12. I enjoy doing maintenance, you look like someone I would like to"tinker" around with.

13. You must be from Pearl Harbor, cause baby you're the Bomb - diggity.

14. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

15. Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.

16. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?

17. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

18. Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night long.

19. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

20. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

21. If you were a car, I wax you and ride you all over town.

22. Guy: "Would you like to dance?" Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you."

Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants"

23. Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I've seem to have lost mine.

24. I look good on you.

25. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.

26. If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can  visit you between the Holidays?

27. You look like a girl that has heard every line in the book, so what's one more going to hurt?

28. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?

29. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.

30. Excuse me, do you wanna fuck, or should I apologize.

31. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

32. Do you want to dance, No? Well I guess a fuck is out of the question.

33. Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?

34. I lost my bed, can I borrow yours?

35. You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.

36. My recipe for love is one cup of you, one cup of me, knead till hard, and serve hot.

37. Are your legs tired, because you've been running through my mind all day long.

38. You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.

39. Hey baby, I'm like American Express, you don't want to leave home without me.

40. Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams.

41. The word for the night is legs, let's go back to my room and spread the word.

42. Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield?

43. Hi my name is _______, remember it, cause you'll be screaming it all night long.

44. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

45. Was you dad a farmer? Cause you sure have great melons.

46. Want to play conductor?? You be the engineer and I'll go Choochoo.

47. You must be Jelly, cause jam don't shake like that.

48. The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.

49. Guy: "haven't I seen you someplace before?"

Girl: "Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore"

50. Hi, my name is Skippy, like the peanut butter I stick to the roof of your mouth.

51. Hi, my name is Pogo, want to jump on my stick?

52. Guy: Want to go get a pizza and a fuck?

Girl: No!

Guy: What, you don't like pizza?

Men Are Like...

Men are like ... Coffee

The best ones are rich, warm, full-bodied and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like ... Cement

After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Men are like ... Chocolate Bars

Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like ... Blenders

You think that you need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like ... Coolers

Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like ... Copiers

You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like ... Curling Irons

They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Men are like ... Government Bonds

They take so long to mature.

Men are like ... High Heels

They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like ... Horoscopes

They always tell you what to do, but they're usually wrong.

Men are like ... Lawn Mowers

If you're not pushing one around, you're usually riding it.
Men are like ... Lava Lamps
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like ... Laxatives

They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like ... Mascara

They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like ... Mini Skirts

If you're not careful they'll creep up your legs.

Men are like ... Noodles

They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Men are like ... Parking Spots

The good ones are already taken, and the ones that are left are handicapped or extremely small.

Men are like ... Weather

Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like ... Plungers

They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

Men are like ... Popcorn

They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like ... Placemats

They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like ... Snowstorms

You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

Men are like ... Used Cars

Both are easy to get, cheap and unreliable.

Men are like ... Vacations.

They never seem to be long enough.

The Top 14 Signs that your online relationship isn't working out

14. You discover that "Chesty McBust" isn't her real name, and she's dialing in from Langley, VA.

 

13. You: Large, hairy man.

Your online girlfriend: Large, hairy man. 

12. Her postmaster rejects your e-mail not as "undeliverable" but as "unlikely to get you anywhere." 

11. After months of shared experiences and emotional investments, she attacks you in the Mines of Quarn with a +5 Vorpal Sword when she learns you're worth 45,000 points. 

10. "Returned mail: User unknown and never wants to hear from you again."

9. Your cyberlover is just too busy editing that silly little Top 5 List.

8. Getting perhaps a bit too comfortable, she lets a reference to cutting her chin shaving slip by.

7. You discover that she has been cutting & pasting her time.

6. You can barely make out your SO's face in the JPEG she sent because she's obscured by her 25 cats.

5. He claims to be the richest man in the world, but his GIF looks like some geek who works for a software company.

4. Since her first e-mail, Make.Money.Fast!@cyber-promotions.com has become cold and distant.

3. She's suddenly changed her address to comingout@lesbian.com

2. Ken Starr launches an investigation into your relationship with the mysterious tubby@whitehouse.gov

1. In an ironic twist of fate, you discover that the object of your affection is a curvaceous 18 year old, rather than the geeky 14 year old boy she'd pretended to be.

Prison vs Work

 

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.

AT WORK...you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK...they are called managers.

Spending too much time on the computer?

Here are some commom indicators:

1. You accidentally enter your computer password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get
''long-service to the company'' awards.

AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE...

13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your friends.

15. You got this e-mail from a friend who never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.

16. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9.

17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No. 9.

18. AND NOW YOU'RE LAUGHING at yourself.

Finally:

19. You've read this before.

 A Little Test

Take 3 minutes and try this - it will freak you out!! The person who sent this said her wish came true 10 minutes after they read the mail. But no cheating!

This game has a funny/creepy outcome. Don't read ahead, just do it in order. It takes about 3 minutes - it's worth a try. Firstget a pen and paper.

When you actually choose names, make sure it's people you
actually know,and go with your first instincts! Scroll down one line at a time - don't read ahead or you'll ruin the fun!

1. First, write the numbers 1 through to 11 in a column.

2. Then, beside numbers 1 and 2, write down any two numbers you want.

3. Beside the 3 and 7, write down the names of members of the opposite sex. Don't look ahead or it won't turn out right!

4. Write anyone's name (like friends or family) in the 4th, 5thand 6th spots.Don't cheat or you'll be upset that you did.

5. Write down four song titles in 8, 9, 10 and 11.

6. Finally, make a wish.And here is the key for the game...

1. You must tell (the number in space 2) people about this game.

2. The person in space 3 is the one that you love

3. The person in 7 is one you like but can't work out

4. You care most about the person you put in 4.

5. The person you name in number 5 is the one who knows you very well.

6. The person you name in 6 is your lucky star.

7. The song in 8 is the song that matches with the person in number 3.

8. The title in 9 is the song for the person in 7.

9. The tenth space is the song that tells you most about your mind.

10. And 11 is the song telling how you feel about life.

Weird Humor

Here are some twisted jokes, try to find the meaning of them(answers are below)

1. Why can't an American photographer take a picture of an Asian with a hat?

2. How many birthdays does the average man have?

3. What's the next letter in the series?: W T N _?

4. A boy and his father are driving home. They have to cross some train tracks. That day the stop lights for the tracks were broke and they didn't know a train was coming. A train hit them. They were rushed to the hospital where the father died.The son had to have immediate surgery. The surgeon took one look at the boy and said "I can't operate on him because he's my son!" how can that be?

5. Before you go into the bathroom you're American. When you'rein the bathroom, what are you?

Answers below:
*
**
***
****
*****
******
*******
********
*********
**********
*********
Answers:

1. You need a camera to take a picture, not a hat!

2. Most people have only one birth day.

3. It's WTNL (What's The Next LETTER)

4. The surgeon was his mother.

5. European (you're a peeing!) :)

MENSA IQ Test

Answers appear after the questions... NO CHEATING!!!

1. The maker doesn't want it; the buyer doesn't use it; and theuser doesn't see it. What is it?

2. A child is born in Boston, Massachusetts to parents who were both born in Boston, Massachusetts. The child is not a United States citizen. How is this possible?

3. Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain on Earth?

4. Clara Clatter was born on December 27th, yet her birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

5. Captain Frank and some of the boys were exchanging old war stories. Art Bragg offered one about how his grandfather led a
battalion against a German division during World War I. Through brilliant maneuvers, he defeated them and captured valuable territory. After the battle he was presented with a sword bearing the inscription "To Captain Bragg for Bravery, Daring and Leadership. World War I. From the Men of Battalion 8."Captain Frank looked at Art and said, "You really don't expect anyone to believe that yarn, do you?" What's wrong with the story?

6. What is one thing that all wise men, regardless of their
religion or politics, agree is between heaven and earth?

7. In what year did Christmas and New Year's fall in the same year?

8. A woman from New York married ten different men from that city, yet she did not break any laws. None of these men died,and she never divorced. How was this possible?

9. Why are 1990 American dollar bills worth more than 1989 American dollar bills?

10. How many times can you subtract the number 5 from 25?

11. How could you rearrange the letters in the words "new door"to make one word? Note: There is only one correct answer.

12. Even if they are starving, natives living in the Arctic will never eat a penguin's egg. Why not?

13. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or"The yolk of the egg is white"?

14. In Okmulgee, Oklahoma, you cannot take a picture of a manwith a wooden leg. Why not?

15. There were an electrician and a plumber waiting in line for admission to the International Home Show," One of them was the father of the other's son. How could this be possible?

16. After the new Canon Law that took effect on November 27,1983, would a Roman Catholic man be allowed to marry his widow's sister?

17. How many outs are there in an inning?

18. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the Ark?

19. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10" tall. What does he
weigh?

20. A farmer has 17 sheep and all but 9 die. How many are left?

ANSWERS

1. A coffin.

2. The child was born before 1776.

3. Mount Everest (it just hadn't been discovered).

4. Clara lives in the southern hemisphere.

5. World War I wasn't called "World War I" until World War II.

6. The word "and".

7. They fall in the same year every year. New Year's Day
justarrives very early in the year and Christmas arrives very
late in the same year.

8. The lady was a Justice of the Peace.

9. One thousand nine hundred and ninety dollar bills are worth one dollar more than one thousand nine hundred and eighty-nine dollar bills.

10. Only once, and then you are subtracting it from 20.

11. "one word"

12. Penguins live in the Antarctic.

13. Neither. The yolk of the egg is yellow.

14. You have to take a picture of a man with a camera, not with a wooden leg.

15. They were husband and wife.
 
16. No. A dead man can marry no one.

17. Six . Three in each half of the inning.

18. Moses took no animals. It was Noah on the Ark.

19. Meat.

20. Nine.

How To Uplift your Workplace

Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.

Make up nick names for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha."

Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.

While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.

Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.

Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.

Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."

Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

Signs of PMS

Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

You add chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

Your husband is suddenly agreeing with everything you say.

You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that reads, "How's my driving--call 1-800-***-****."

Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

You're convinced there's a God and he's male.

You're counting down the days until menopause.

You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

Three little letters (M, E, and N) send you into an uncontrollable rage.

WHAT A FRIENDS ARE FOR (PART 2)

If you want to win friends, make it a point to remember them. If you remember my name, you pay me a subtle compliment; you indicate that I have made an impression on you. Remember my name and you add to my feeling of importance
-- Dale Carnegie

Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the answer.
-- Ed Cunningham

Plant a seed of friendship; reap a bouquet of happiness.
-- Lois L. Kaufman

Yes, we must ever be friends; and of all who offer you friendship let me be ever the first, the truest, the nearest and dearest!
-- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

No love, no friendship can cross the path of our destiny without leaving some mark on it forever.
-- Francois Mauriac

A friend is someone who, upon seeing another friend in immense pain, Would rather be the one experiencing the pain, Than to have to watch their friend suffer.
-- Amanda Gier

Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your friend's forehead.
-- Chinese Proverb

A friend to everybody and to nobody is the same thing.
-- Spanish Proverb

That's free enterprise, friends: freedom to gamble, freedom to lose. And the great thing -- the truly democratic thing about it -- is that you don't even have to be a player to lose.
-- Barbara Ehrenreich

Our friends don't see our faults, or conceal them, or soften them.
-- Joseph Addison

Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.
-- Lewis Mumford

It takes a long time to grow an old friend.
-- John Leonard

I know all those people. I have friendly, social, and criminal relations with the whole lot of them.
-- Mark Twain

Call a truce, then, to our labors -- let us feast with friends and neighbors, and be merry as the custom of our caste; for if ''faint and forced the laughter,'' and if sadness follow after, we are richer by one mocking Christmas past.
-- Rudyard Kipling

A friend is a present you give to yourself.
-- Robert Louis Stevenson

Given the choice of friendship or success, I'd probably choose success.
-- Sting

The book is closed, the year is done, The pages full of tasks begun. A little joy, a little care, Along with dreams, are written there. This new day brings another year, Renewing hope, dispelling fear. And we may find before the end, A deep content, another friend.
-- Arch Ward

As virtuous men pass mildly away, and whisper to their souls to go, whilst some of their sad friends do say, the breath goes now, and some say no.
-- John Donne

There's always something about your success that displeases even your best friends.
-- Mark Twain

Since there is nothing so well worth having as friends, never lose a chance to make them.
-- Francesco Guicciardini

From quiet homes and first beginning,
Out to the undiscovered ends,
There's nothing worth the wear of winning,
But laughter and the love of friends.
-- Hilaire Belloc

So you wish to conquer in the Olympic games, my friend? And I too, by the Gods, and a fine thing it would be! But first mark the conditions and the consequences, and then set to work. You will have to put yourself under discipline; to eat by rule, to avoid cakes and sweetmeats; to take exercise at the appointed hour whether you like it or no, in cold and heat; to abstain from cold drinks and from wine at your will; in a word, to give yourself over to the trainer as to a physician. Then in the conflict itself you are likely enough to dislocate your wrist or twist your ankle, to swallow a great deal of dust, or to be severely thrashed, and, after all these things, to be defeated.
-- Epictetus

To the query, ''What is a friend?'' his reply was ''A single soul dwelling in two bodies.''
-- Aristotle

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate now knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.
-- Henri Nouwen

In my friend, I find a second self.
-- Isabel Norton

The final test for a novel will be our affection for it, as it is the test of our friends, and of anything else which we cannot define.
-- Edward M. Forster

The only sensible ends of literature are, first, the pleasurable toil of writing; second, the gratification of one's family and friends; and lastly, the solid cash.
-- Nathaniel Hawthorne

Often we have no time for our friends but all the time in the world for our enemies.
-- Leon Uris

Ambition. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.
-- Ambrose Bierce

Friends Are Treasures
-- Horace Bruns

How often we find ourselves turning our backs on our actual friends, that we may go and meet their ideal cousins.
-- Source Unknown

My mother used to say that there are no strangers, only friends you haven't met yet. She's now in a maximum security twilight home in Australia.
-- Dame Edna Everage

I can tell you, honest friend, what to believe: believe life; it teaches better that book or orator.
-- Johann Von Goethe

Children are Amazing

"When life gives you 100 reasons to cry, turn back and give life 1000 reasons to smile."

Children Are Quick
__________________________________
TEACHER:    Why are you late?
STUDENT:     Class started before I got here.
--------------------------------------------------------
TEACHER:    Maria, go to the map and find   North America       ..
MARIA:         Here it  is.
TEACHER:   Correct.  Now class, who discovered   America ?
CLASS:         Maria.
_________________________________  
TEACHER:    John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:          You told me to do it without using tables.
____________________________________
TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN:      K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'  

TEACHER:  No, that's wrong
GLENN:       Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.  
(I  Love this child)
____________________________________
TEACHER:   Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:     H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:   What are you talking about?
DONALD:    Yesterday you said it's H to O.  
__________________________________
TEACHER:   Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE:       Me!
____________________________________  
TEACHER:   Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:          Well, I'm a  lot closer to the ground than you are.  
___________________________________
TEACHER:     Millie, give me a sentence starting with '  I.  '
MILLIE:         I  is..

TEACHER:     No, Millie..... Always say, 'I  am.'
MILLIE:         All right...  'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'      
________________________________
TEACHER:    George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,
                   but also admitted it.  
                Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS:           Because George still had  the axe in his hand...    
___________________________________  
TEACHER:    Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:         No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.  
______________________________
TEACHER:       Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your   brother's..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE      :         No, sir. It's the same dog.    

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER:    Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people
are no longer  interested?
HAROLD:     A teacher
__________________________________  
PASS  IT AROUND THE WORLD AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH

THIS WILL HAPPEN TO YOU WHEN YOU GET OLD (PART 2)

·        My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

·        The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

·        I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there. 

·        ·  I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

·       ·   I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

·        ·  I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

·    ·  The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

·        If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

·        And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

·        You could run these walking jokes over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!

• Ageing: eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
• The easiest way to find something that's lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
• If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you?
• A penny saved is a government oversight.
• The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

• He who hesitates is almost certainly right.
• Did you ever notice? The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are 'XL'.
• If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
• The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
• There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt..
• The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
• Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.