AFTER WORKING DAY SOMETHING TO LAUGH

Inspirational Poster Ideas

Sayings you'd like to see on office inspirational posters :

If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.

If you think we're a bad firm, you should see our rivals!

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings - - they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity ... probably has a scapegoat.

ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO ENTER HERE.....

We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members!

2 days without a Human Rights Violation!

If at first you don't succeed - - try management.

It's only unethical if you get caught.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Never quit until you have another job.

Work harder slaves!

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

If you can read this, you're not working!

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Go the extra mile - It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

Pride, commitment, teamwork - - words we use to get you to work for free.

Succeed in spite of management.

Work : It isn't just for sleeping anymore.

There are two kinds of people in life : people who like their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore

Dear Bank Manager

Dear Bank Manager,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $ 5 0 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.

No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in the second half of 1 9 9 9, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.

To this end, please be advised about the following changes :

First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require our chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his / her financial situation ( income, debts, assets and liabilities ) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he / she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 2 8 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My authorized contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice. By pressing buttons on the phone, he / she will be guided thorough an extensive set of menus :

1. To make an appointment to see me
2. To query a missing repayment
3. To make a general complaint or inquiry
4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there;
Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received;
5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am still sleeping. Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received;
6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.
7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact.
9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 8.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie :
" Oh, the banks are made of marble
With a guard at every door
And the vaults are filled with silver
That the miners sweated for "

After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost.

As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost. A cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.

First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $ 2 0 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $ 5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you.

My new phone service runs at 7 5 cents a minute ( even Woody Guthrie doesn't come for free ), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

Best Wishes,

Your humble client

Famous Marketing Screw Ups

1. Coors put its slogan, " Turn it loose, into Spanish where it was read as " Suffer from diarrhea.
2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign : Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.

3. Clairol introduced the " Mist Stick ", a curling iron, into German only to find out that " mist " is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the " manure stick.

4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.

5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of " I saw the Pope " ( el papa ), the shirts read " I saw the potato " ( la papa ).

7. Pepsi's " Come alive with the Pepsi Generation " translated into " Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave ", in Chinese.

8. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, " it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken " was translated into Spanish as " it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate.

9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as " Ke-kou-ke-la ", meaning " Bite the wax tadpole " or " female horse stuffed with wax ", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 4 0, 0 0 characters to find a phonetic equivalent " ko-kou-ko-le ", translating into " happiness in the mouth.

1 0. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, " it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you. Instead, the company thought that the word " embarazar " ( to impregnate ) meant to embarrass, so the ad read : " It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.

Drinking At Work

Reasons for Allowing Drinking at Work

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.

1 0. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

1 1. It makes fellow employees look better.

1 2. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

1 3. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have had a couple of drinks

1 4. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

Executive Envelopes

Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes.... 1, 2, 3. " Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve, the departing CEO said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and Morris was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, " Blame your predecessor.

Morris, the new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press - - and Wall Street - - responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, " Reorganize. This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. Morris went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.

The message said, " Prepare three envelopes.

Federal Employee Evaluation

1. Works well only when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap
2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

3. I would not allow this employee to breed.

4. This employee is really not so much of a has-been but more of a definite won't be.

5. Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

6. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

8. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

9. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

1 0. This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts the better.

1 1. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

1 2. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

1 3. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

1 4. A room temperature IQ.

1 5. Got a full 6 - pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

1 6. A gross ignoramus- 1 4 4 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

1 7. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

1 8. A prime candidate for natural deselection.

1 9. Bright as Alaska in December.

2 0. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.

2 1. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

2 2. Fell out of the family tree.

2 3. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train is going nowhere.

2 4. Has two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

2 5. He is so dense, light bends around him.

2 6. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

2 7. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

2 8. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.

2 9. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

3 0. It is hard to believe that he beat out 1, 0 0, 0 0 other sperm.

3 1. One neuron short of a synapse.

3 2. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.

3 3. Takes him 1 1 / 2 hours to watch the 6 0 minutes program.

3 4. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.

3 5. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

NEVER ENOUGH GENDER JOKES...

Top 100 reasons its better to be a woman

1.     we can get laid anytime we want
2. we never have to buy our own drinks at the bar
3. we piss sitting down so its easier to pass out on the toilet when you're drunk
4. we get out of speeding tickets by crying
5. we get out of speeding tickets by showing a little cleavage or leg
6. we can sleep our way to the top of the class
7. we get to shop at Victoria's Secret
8. we can marry rich and then not have to work
9. we never have to pay when we go out on dates
10. men take us on all expense paid trips- all we have to do is sleep with them
11. men light our cigarettes for us
12. men hold the door open for us
13. we pout better (those puppy dog eyes always work!)
14. we're cuter
15. we lie better
16. we're better manipulators
17. we always end up sleeping in the bed when we fight with our other halves- you guys get the couch
18. we always have food in the fridge
19. when we cook, it doesn't precede a trip to the ER or a visit from the fire dept
20. we always get to choose the movie
21. we don't have to mow the lawn
22. we don't have to take out the garbage
23. we don't have to paint the house or walls
24. PMS- yet another excuse to bitch at men
25. cosmopolitan
26. we can con our way out of anything- not just dig ourselves deeper into a hole
27. men unlock our side of the car first- a real bonus when its cold
28. PMS is a legal defense for murder
29. men are like tiles, lay em right the first time ya can walk all over em forever
30. we can masturbate more in a day than men
31. 2 words- multi orgasmic
32. we don't have to constantly adjust our genitals
33. sweat is sexy on us
34. we never run out of excuses
35. you guys may get to think about sex 200 times a day, but we could be having it that often
36. doggie style- that way we get to watch the game too
37. we get expensive jewelry as gifts that we NEVER have to give back
38. we get candy, flowers and jewelry all the time cuz men fuck up so often
39. we can give "the look" that will make any man want to cower in the corner
40. women are cleaner
41. women have more than one erogenous zone (in case you guys didn't know)
42. we're better arguers
43. we don't always have to think with our genitals
44. massage!!!!
45. we're better parents
46. we never have to sit home alone on a weekend night
47. there's never a shortage of ready, willing and able men
48. we're flexible
49. when women get pissed we don't destroy property or hurt people- we just take it out on the world in general because we can
50. menopause- thank god we're not capable of having children after we're 50
51. menstruation- just another excuse to use so we can say "no" to sex
52. men in uniform
53. there is no penis envy
54. we can just roll over and go to sleep after we masturbate because there's no messy clean-up
55. it generally takes us less to get drunk
56. we have a higher tolerance to pain
57. we often get to cut in line
58. most women actually look good in short shorts- men DON'T
59. better tips
60. women who don't wear underwear are considered sexy and wild, when men do it, its rather disgusting
61. we have mastered civilized eating- we don't embarrass our friends or make loud bodily noises in public
62. women can go a day without showering or shaving and not look or smell disgusting- thank god for long pants and perfume!
63. we can connive men into doing our homework, writing our papers or carrying our books anytime we want
64. we don't have excessive amounts of body hair
65. we don't spend 45 minutes on the toilet
66. men will pay us for sex
67. smoking the seeds in marijuana doesn't make us sterile
68. we can throw a punch at a man and not get hit in return
69. men may fantasize about having sex with more than one woman at a time, but we can have sex with an entire football team at once if we want
70. men walk on the side of the sidewalk closest to the road so that if a car hits us, he gets hurt not us
71. women sweat less
72. women smell better
73. when women make their boyfriends mad, we don't have to waste money on flowers or cards- a blowjob and sex fixes all
74. men are more often serial killers, thieves, rapists and cheats
75. women don't get the humor in the three stooges
76. women have three accessible holes
77. we don't get embarrassed when buying tampons
78. we're better gossips
79. we have better fashion sense
80. we're better shoppers
81. we don't have to make fools out of ourselves to impress a man
82. our friends don't pick on us if we aren't sleeping with anyone
83. men don't know what our 'girl talk' is all about (and i'm not gonna tell you)
84. we're all sittin on a gold mine- we know it and use it to our extreme advantage
85. we don't have to drive when on a date
86. an ugly woman can use makeup and get a new hairdo to become presentable- ugly men are just fucked
87. women can use the old "that mark on my neck is from a curling iron burn" line
88. women know how fake it
89. women look better naked
90. we know that rhythm doesn't only pertain to dancing
91. when women are short, we're petite, when men are short, they're just short
92. women do less time for violent crime
93. women don't have to worry about not being able to get it up
94. an oblong vegetable is all we need for a good time any night
95. women's conversations generally consist of more than just "uh huh, yep ok then bye"
96. women don't need an excuse to be in a bad mood
97. women never have to see combat
98. the remote control is not an extension of ourselves
99. women are sexier
100. we can get laid ANYTIME, ANYWHERE, ANY WAY we want it!

100 Ways to Be a Man

(100 ways to keep your Testosterone flowing)


1. Don't call, ever.

2. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself.

3. Lie.

4. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "spike".

5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them.

6. Here's a good pickup line,: "My girlfriend's pregnant, will you go out with me?

7. Drink Vernors.

8. Play with yourself. Talk about it.

9. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a nice grunt will do.

10. Always remember: you are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault.

11. Lie.

12. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help - don't ask. People will think you have no penis.

13. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.

14. Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever you pass a reflective surface, check your hair, clothing, etc.

15. If you don't like a girl but can't think of a good enough reason why, just come up with trite, meaningless explanations like: "I don't know. I just don't like her personality."

16. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.

17. If, GOD FOrbiD, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.

18. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit.

19. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.

20. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her.

21. Tell her you will call, then refer back to Rule 1.

22. Say things like "Wha...?"

23. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked them out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.

24. Lie.

25. Deny everything. Everything.

26. Good break up line: "it's not you, it's me."

27. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her because if any of your female friends like you, they'll really want to know.

28. Don't have a clue.

29. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.

30. No means yes.

31. Yes means no.

32. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times.

33. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations. Improvise.

34. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the end of a relationship.

35. Feelings? What feelings?

36. Tell this to your girl before you have sex: "don't worry. If you don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant."

37. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass.

38. Gays are an unacceptable part of our society. Take it upon yourself to eradicate all of them from the planet.

39. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example: question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?" Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day."

40. Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual meaning. Do so.

41. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia. If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make an exact replica of your penis. Measure to make sure it's right.

42. Lie.

43. "Love" is not in your vocabulary. Don't even think about saying it.

44. A general rule: if whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.

45. Diss your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss her again. Repeat cycle.

46. Lie.

47. ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it.

48. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.

49. Try to have a good memory but it's OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend's birthday and eye colour.

50. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.

51. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.

52. Create new words and phrases to describe genitalia, sex, semen, etc.

53. Complain about not getting any mail. When people FINALLY feel sorry for you and send you mail, ignore it and continue complaining.

54. Lie.

55. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.

56. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.

57. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction.

58. You are NOT a virgin, ever. Males are born without virginity.

59. You are male, therefore you are superior.

60. Agenda for a boring evening: get beer, drink beer, play with yourself, have sex, drink more beer, pass out.

61. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.

62. Don't ever notice anything.

63. If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love with YOU, and then tell her.

64. Basic fundamental rule of dating: quantity, not quality.

65. Basic fundamental rule of sex: quantity IS quality.

66. Lie.

67. If you cheat on a girl but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong.

68. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about anyway?

69. If the question begins with "why", the answer is "I don't know."

70. Women are your napkins. Use them and throw them away.

71. Remember: every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.

72. If you ever find yourself in a position where you have been proven wrong, blame others. Come up with creative and believable excuses why they are at fault - not you.

73. Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so". If you hear this phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic.

74. If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your skills.

75. Keep track of how many seconds in your life you have thought about sex. Compare with others.

76. Other people's pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long and loud.

77. Lie.

78. General Rule: different is BAD.

79. If anyone asks you for a favour:- (a) make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it; (b) remind them of this huge favour you've done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.

80. Each penny you save will be worth at least a dollar in the long run.

81. If you do something really mean to a girl and she doesn't want to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to you, casually ask: "is something wrong?"

82. Three words: "let's be friends". Translation: "I never want to speak to you again but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me, so I'll pretend I want to be your friend."

83. Lie.

84. If you're on a date and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in.

85. When you tell a girl about your past, it's good to say: "God, I was such a pimp back then."

86. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell (true story).

87. If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset because, you know, SHE's the one who wanted to end the relationship.

88. The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on top.

89. Practice your blank stare.

90. Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your ass. Then, whenever you need one, you can pull it out of your ass.

91. If you're ever forced to show emotion, just pick random emotions like rage and lust and insanity and display them at random, inconvenient times. You won't be asked to do it again.

92. If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do but complain that you don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say: "SEE? I TOLD you I couldn't do it." Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things.

93. Work out day and night to make your body even more beautiful than it already is. When people ask if you've been working out, say things like: "no, Baby, I was BORN like this!"

94. Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd or Oldies.

95. Beer, Then more beer.

96. Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people.

97. One word: FOOTBALL!

98. Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don't want the inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we?

99. Diss your girl friends for an occasional night or 5 out with "The Gang".

100. Lie.

The Top 13 Signs your Bachelorette Party isn't going well

13. The male stripper you hired is moonlighting to supplement his full-time Sumo wrestling income.

12. Too much purging, not enough bingeing.

11. Obviously confused about your instructions, the dancer shows up wearing LEPER skin.

10. Someone spiked the punch with Summer's Eve.

9. The traditional game of "Famous Politicians I'd Sleep With" just took a turn for the serious with the arrival Mr. Starr and his subpoenas.

8. All those bags of WOW potato chips and Diet Sodas have given new meaning to the term, "spotting."

7. You knew that Daddy had taken a night job. You didn't know that Daddy's new job title was "Danny, the Firehose Dude."

6. One of your friends shows up late with the excuse that she had to give a quickie to some guy getting married next week.

5. You really didn't want your boss to "honor" you by volunteering to strip, but how can you say no to the President of the United States?

4. On your way to jail, you decide that ripping the pants off that "stripper" cop wasn't such a good idea.

3. Misunderstanding at entertainment agency results in a special appearance by Chip and Dale.

2. Your water breaks.

1. That damn Martha Stewart forgets to bring the pubic topiary centerpiece.

A Man's Answer to Every Question a Woman Ever Asks

1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?

It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.


2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?

Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.


3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?

We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.


4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?

We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.


5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?

You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.


6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?

Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.


7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?

Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.


8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)?

Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.


9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?

Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.


10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?"

Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.


11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?

Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.


12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?

We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.


13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?

Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.


14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?

This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.


15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?

It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err... buying?

How to Tell if You're a Woman

1. You're a Bitch.

2. When asked "Is something bothering you?" you reply "no," then get pissed off when you are believed.

3. You become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him, and immediately expect him to stop this behaviour.
4. You always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.

5. You always hide very important events in very unimportant terms so you can have something to be pissed about when your boyfriend declines because he has pressing business. For example, you say "It's no big deal, but I was wondering if you would like to visit my parents with me if you are not busy this weekend," when you mean "It means a great deal to me for you to see my family with me this weekend - whether it is possible or not!"

6. You whine.

7. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost superhuman level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep it's because he is lazy.

8. No matter what the activity, he doesn't do it as well as a past boyfriend.

9. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.

10. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.

11. You complain.

12. You hate any bar he likes.

13. You demand to be treated as an equal in everything - except when paying for meals, airplane tickets, concerts, beers, clothes, etc. - these are required gifts proving his love.

14. You declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all the stress of your life.

15. Any woman who so much as stares at your boyfriend is labelled a WHORE, and your network of friends is informed immediately to spread this 'fact' as quickly as possible.

16. You make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs.

17. You break into tears for no apparent reason, then use number 2.

18. You ask for help in some endeavour then become livid when it is given.

19. You insinuate yourself into your boyfriend's group of friends, break up with him, then make sure you are present at every gathering for the next month just to rub it in.

20. You must have two sets of clothes: your "Fat Clothes" and your "Clothes I'm Going to Fit In Someday, I Swear". Still, you don't like any of them.

21. (Corollary to #4) You have three closets (plus two dressers and six boxes) full of clothes, yet you stand in front of them for three hours before an important dinner declaring, "I have nothing to wear."

22. You actually like the Lifetime cable channel.

23. Girls Night Out is a special treat. Boys Night Out is forbidden.

Buying Gifts for Men

Ladies: Need help Gift Shopping for the man in your life? Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car, a 99 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4: Never buy men bathrobes. Once I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #7: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why. (ABSOLUTELY TRUE!!)

Rule #8: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over. No one knows why.

Rule #9: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores.) It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. ("From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! thanks.")

Rule #10: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. (No one knows why) Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #11: Tickets to a Cowboys game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #12: Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #7 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #13: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #14: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.

Real Relationship

A man and woman are having a relationship for about 4 months now. One Friday night, they meet at a bar after work. They stay for a few, then go get some food at a local restaurant near their respective homes. They eat, then go back to his house and she stays over.

Her story:

He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar last night, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late, but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. So we went to this restaurant and he is still acting a bit funny and I am trying to cheer him up and I start to wonder if it is me or something else. I ask him and he says no. But you know I am not really sure.

Anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I don't know what the hell this means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place and I am wondering if he is going to dump me. So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV.

Reluctantly, I say I am going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I don't know, I just don't know, what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else????


His story:

Lousy day at work, low on funds, and tired. Got some lovin' though.

What women do to men

Man: If I could see you naked, I\'d die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I\'d probably die laughing.

Man: Haven\'t I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that\'s why I don\'t go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I\'ll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I\'m a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what\'s your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: Why aren\'t you married yet?
Woman: What? And spoil my great sex life?

Man: Why aren\'t you married yet?
Woman:Why aren\'t you thin?

Man: Why aren\'t you married yet?
Woman: Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.

Being a guy is tops...

Your arsenal is never a factor in a job interview.

Your orgasms are real. Always.

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

You don\'t have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting shagged.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

Princess Di\'s death was just another obituary.

Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. \'Nuff said...

You don\'t give a f**k if someone doesn\'t notice your new haircut.

Hot wax never comes near your pubes.

Wrinkles add character.

A few well placed one night stands gain credibility, not leave you tarnished.

You don\'t have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

People never glance at your chest when you\'re
talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don\'t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

Porn films are designed with you in mind.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with \"So, notice anything different?\"

You can appreciate great sport.

You can throw a ball more than 5 feet.

One mood, ALL the time.

A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and hairdressers don\'t rob you blind.

You can go to a public toilet without a support group.

You can leave a hotel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don\'t have to clean your flat if the electricity meter reader is coming.

You can sit in silence watching a football game with your mate for hour without ever thinking, \"He must be mad at me.\"

You don\'t mooch off other\'s desserts.

You can kill your own food.

If another bloke shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours.

You don\'t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don\'t have to shave below your neck.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.

You can \"do\" your nails with a pocket-knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

Same job... more pay.

ONE MORE DAY GOOD OLD COLLEGE DAYS

Out Of College

You don't know what time Taco Bell closesanymore.

Your potted plants stay alive.

Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.

You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

You have to pay your own credit card bill.

You haven't seen a soap opera in over ayear.

8:00 a.m. is not early.

You have to file your own taxes.

You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.

You're not carded anymore.

You carry an umbrella.

Your friends marry and divorce instead ofhook-up and break-up.

You start watching the Weather Channel.

Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples inyour wardrobe.

You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.

You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

You go to parties that the police don't raid.

Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.

Your car insurance goes down, except when you move to Jersey.

You refer to college students as kids.

You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum. Well, some of us still drink rum.

You feed your dog Science Diet instead ofTaco Bell.

You're waking up at 6 a.m. instead of going to bed.

College sweatshirts are 'casual' instead of dress up.

Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.

Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m.

Dinner and a movie — the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

You get your news from sources other than USA Today, ESPN Sports center, and MTV News.

METABOLISM SLOWDOWN

Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone's and Mad Dog.

You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

Grocery lists actually contain relatively healthy food.

When drinking, you say at least once per night, "I just can't put it down like I used to."

Golf is beginning to seem a lot less silly.

You decide your parents weren't as dumb as you thought!

You Know You're Out Of College When...

1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00a.m. is not early.
9. You have to file for your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. You're not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that "Bachelor" is a nicer term for a jackass.
14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary, which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
15. "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid, and not married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up, and divorce instead of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather channel.
18. Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.
19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.
22. You go to parties that the police don't raid.
23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.
24. You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.
25. Your car insurance goes down.
26. You refer to college students as kids.
27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum.

Relieving Stress in Class

1. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
2. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.
3. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY". (At Least for the Male profs.)
4. Address the professor as "your excellency".
5. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"
6. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.
7. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been drinking.
8. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
9. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.
10. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?" Become agitated when the professor can't understand you.
11. Wink at the professor every few minutes. (Hey you might even get a dateif he/she is cute.)
12. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Signup Sheet#5" at the top, and start passing it around the room.
13. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.

Signs You Should Join E-Mailers Anonymous

10) You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom, and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

9) Your firstborn is named Dotcom.
8) You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a feeling of emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
7) You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop on your lap, and your child in the overhead compartment.
6) You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
5) You find yourself typing ''com'' after every period.com.
4) You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
3) You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
2) You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
1) Immediately after reading this list, you e-mail it to someone.

Survival of the Fittest Brain Cells

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back of the herd that are killed first.  This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole herd is maintained oreven improved by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass.
Recent emiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.   Thus, regular consumption of spirits helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and job-related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of completing university studies and then getting married and settling down, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates.  Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved during their university years.
    So, this is a call to arms.  As our country is losing its technological edge we should not shudder in our homes.  But get back into the bars  and pubs and quaff that pint!  Your company and your country needs you to be at your peak, and at your best, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career opportunities that you could achieve through excessive alcohol consumption.  Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be! And remember a good  cold beer will kill those bad, useless brain cells that are slowing you  down and it will make the necessary room needed to get the good brain cells up front and at the top ready to per format their best.  So bottoms up, down  the hatch, look out brain it's coming fast!

BACK TO COLLEGE

10 Signs That A Kid Is A Nerd

10. Likes people that oppress him: teachers, parents, principals, police, and authority figures. 

9. Is overly enthusiastic about 'Dungeons and Dragons' and other role playing games.

8. Very familiar with megahertz, wears glasses and, can quote scripture. 

7. Frequently speaks of martial arts, but still gets beaten up. 

6. Says 'Whom' instead of 'Who.' 

5. Is pleased when disruptive individuals are sent to the office, so that they can continue with their learning. 

4. Prefers NPR to any music. 

3. Gets upset when there is a test or quiz that he did not know about. 

2. Rooted for Deep-Blue in the famous chess game. 

1. Must be pulled off bridge when not accepted at the college of his choice.

Amsterdam Semester Abroad

Possible Courses: 

ESSENTIALS OF BONG DESIGN: Discover earth, water, wind, and fire as the tools you'll need to get rid of your syllabus... some killer hashish.

SMUGGLING 101: Who says the party's over? Years of commerce have made this Northern culture an expert at turning a rectum into a set of luggage.

MEDIEVAL CONDOM USE: Even Sir Lancelot had a rash. Discover how centuries of crotch scratchers protected their privates with specially designed shields.

THE DEVELOPMENT OF PUKE: Our native-born instructors take students from heaving to hurling.

ARCHITECTURE OF EARLY MODERN BROTHELS: With the aid of walking tours and guest hooker lecturers.

Thousands of foreign students are discovering the joyous wonder of learning about another culture while being stoned off their ass! Just listen to what these former students had to say: "Yeah, man." -- Sully, 20 "Amsterdam was... dude, I'm really hungry."

Authentic Grafitti

Make love, not war. Hell, do both: get married! 

* Women's Restroom; The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana

I've decided that to raise my grades, I must lower my standards. 

* Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. 

* Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. 

* Revolution Books. New York, New York.
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. 

* Women's Restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap. 

* Men's Restroom, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! 

* Men's Restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.

Bad Girls vs Good Girls

 

• Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot. Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.
• Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.
• Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
• Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it better.
• Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.
• Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed.
• Good girls say, ''Don't... Stop...'' Bad girls say, ''Don't Stop...''

Clemson Wedding -- A long, true story

This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. This was a huge wedding with over 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage and took the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception. To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. Taped to the bottom of everyone's chair (even the chairs of the wedding party) was a manila envelope. He said that was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open their envelopes.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. (He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.) After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said ''F--- you !'' he then turned to the bride and said ''F--- you !'' and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said..... ''Thanks, I'm out of here.''
He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning. While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong. His revenge: 1) Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception. 2) Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. 3) And best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc.... Ya gotta love this guy.

College Entrance Exam: For Football Players

You Must Answer Two (2) or More Questions Correctly to Qualify.

1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions. OR Give the first name of PIERRE Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to: (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army (d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope? (Check only one) (a) Jewish (b) CATHOLIC (c) Hindu (d) Swedish (e) Agnostic
5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 1?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (Approximate)
8. What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (C) NORTHERNERS
9. Spell -- CAT, DOG, PIG
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
EXTRA CREDIT: Using your fingers, count from 1-5.

College Roast

Q: How do you get a Maryland graduate off your porch?
A: Pay for the pizza.

Q: Why did Clemson choose orange as a school color?
A: So that the football team could wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up garbage for the rest of the week.
Q: Why did O.J. Simpson go to Raliegh, NC in the Ford Bronco?
A: He knew that the police would never look there for a Heisman Trophy winner.
Q: What are the longest three years of a Duke player's life?
A: His freshman year.
Q: Why did Georgia Tech replace the grass in its football stadium with astroturf?
A: They didn't want the cheerleaders to graze at halftime.
Q: Why do Wake Forest cheerleaders wear bibs?
A: To keep the tobacco juice off the uniforms.
Q: How many Duke freshmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, because that's a sophomore course at Florida State and Virginia.

Crappy Date

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.

Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night. Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either puking or shitting.
After several hours of this, he is able to stop puking, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes to shit. He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again. So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride).
They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees. They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up. He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course).
Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise. 'Oh shit,' he thinks (and feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy.
On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap. 'Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?' he asks. 'No problem, I'd like to look around too,' she replies. They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the right, women's fashions are on the left. They split up.
Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on theother side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) 'Just the pants.' 'What?' asks the Gap girl. 'Just the pants!' (Eyes still trained on his date.) Gap girl: 'Oh, OK.' He pays for the pants and walks over to his date, then they leave the store.
They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out...just the sweater.
PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU WOULD DO IN THIS SITUATION.
As you must have realized, the only solution is to wear the sweater as pants. So he squeezes his legs into the arms of the sweater and pulls the rest of the fabric tight around his waist. He can only keep himself covered by hunching over. Walking will be a new challenge altogether. Rather than going through the absolute trauma of returning to his seat and explaining (or creating an elaborate lie to explain) the entire incident, our hero waits in the bathroom until the train stops at the next station. He waits until the moment the train starts to pull away from the station, then dashes out of the bathroom (as quickly as a hunched over cowboy with sweater pants can dash) and jumps off the train. He is lost and stranded somewhere between New York City and Westchester. He hasn't seen the girl since.