Top 47 Reasons for women NOT To Have Sex

1. The pitter patter of little feet

2. Never let 'em see you sweat

3. Your parents might realise that you're not 12 years old anymore

4. Naked men

5. Guilt, guilt, and GUILT

6. You might like it

7. Rhenquist, Scalia, Kennedy, Souter, Thomas

8. Paying back oral sex debts

9. Only pagans procreate

10. Castration

11. You might fall in lust or, Heaven forbid, love

12. Body hair

13. Too many lights on in the room

14. Your roommate and neighbours can't sleep with all that screaming

15. Axl Rose

16. Since that nasty little Gulf War, there's no money left for research and treatment of those nasty little Sexually Transmitted Diseases

17. Why bother doing it yourself? Just buy the new Prince album

18. Pennsylvania Abortion Law

19. Utah Abortion Law

20. Alabama Abortion Law

21. Taking care of the orgasm deficit

22. Yeast infections

23. Too sticky

24. Messes up your hair

25. Charley-horses

26. Bladder infections

27. Cher

28. "It's only a cold sore"

29. Photographers with infrared cameras (remember, if it can be seen from a public place, it's not private)

30. Hetero men who ask, "Did you come yet?"

31. SOMEBODY has to sleep in the wet spot

32. Taking off the jimmy-hat

33. In horror flicks, people having sex are always the first to be killed by axe murderers in hockey masks

34. The ever popular Eternal Damnation

35. Smegma

36. You still live with your parents

37. You love her but you're not *in love* with her

38. Creation of sounds not meant to be emitted by the human body

39. Drooling

40. Letters to the Editor

41. Calling out the wrong name

42. Potential threat to your political aspirations (unless you're a Kennedy)

43. Your brother gets home from school at 3:00

44. No one to have sex with

45. Carpet burn

46. Any offspring resultant from sex may end up looking like you!

47. Worse than No.46.. they could end up looking like him!

Pickup Lines

THE WORLD'S BEST PICKUP LINES (AND MUCH, MUCH, MORE!)

1. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hands.

2. You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.

3. Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want?

4. Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.

5. The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.

6. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.

7. My name's [your name]. That's so you know what to scream.

8. My name's [your name], but you can call me "lover."

9. Nice shoes. Wanna sleep together?

10. Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.

11. All those curves, and me with no brakes.

12. If I told you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

13. Screw me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me?

14. I like every muscle in your body, especially mine.

15. [Grab his/her tush.] Pardon me, is this seat taken?

16. How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?

17. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

18. So... How am I doin'?

19. [Tap your thigh] You just think this is my leg.

20. My face is leaving in fifteen minutes. Be on it.

Women - Ways To Drive Men Crazy!

50 Things Women Would Do To Drive Men Crazy...

1. Do not say what you mean. Ever.

2. Be ambiguous. Always.

3. Cry. Cry often. Tell them it's their fault.

4. Bring things up that were said, done, or thought months or years ago.

5. Make them apologize for everything.

6. Stash feminine products in their backpacks and in their books as cute reminders that you were thinking of them.

7. Gossip. Gossip about everything that walks.

8. Play Alanis Morissette's "You Outta Know," loud. Look at them Smile.

9. Look them in the eye and start laughing.

10. Cry.

11. Get mad at them for everything.

12. Discuss your period in front of them. Watch them squirm.

13. Hold grudges.

14. Demand to be e-mailed. Often. Whine when they don't comply.

15. When complimented, make sure to be paranoid. Take nothing at face value.

16. Use daddy as a weapon. Tell them about his gun collection, his quick trigger finger, and his affection for his "little princess."

17. Be late for everything. Yell if they're late.

18. Talk about your ex-boyfriend 24-7. Compare and contrast.

19. Go everywhere in groups, especially the bathroom. Do nothing alone. Independence is a sign of weakness.

20. Cry.

21. Make them guess what you want and then get mad when they're wrong.

22. Plan little relationship anniversaries, i. e. the monthly anniversary of the time you saw each other in the library. . . for five minutes. Then get mad at them for forgetting. Then cry.

23. Fall for your FAC.

24. Gather many female friends and dance to "I Will Survive" while they are present. Sing all the words. Sing to them. Sing loud.

25. Correct their grammar.

26. Describe back-alley abortions. Then remind them of their mother or little sister.

27. Constantly claim you're fat. Ask them. Then cry, regardless of their answer.

28. Leave out the good parts in stories.

29. Make sure to only be interested in guys in the same friendship group. Make sure to cause trouble.

30. Make them wonder. Confusion is a good thing.

31. Cry.

32. Declare that you are not wacko.

33. Criticize the way they dress.

34. Criticize the music they listen to.

35. Criticize their hair.

36. Ignore them. When asked, "What's wrong?" tell them that if they don't know, you're not going to tell them.

37. Try to change them.

38. Try to mold them.

39. Try to get them to dance.

40. Pretend you're interested, lead them on, then feign ignorance when confronted.

41. When they screw up, never let them forget it.

42. Make them stay at religious services until they are close to fainting. Just because.

43. Blame everything on PMS.

44. Blame everything on PMS only after it has been blamed on them.

45. Whenever there is silence ask them, "What are you thinking?"

46. Get mad if they don't notice a haircut. Even if it's only a half inch.

47. Read into everything.

48. Over-analyze everything.

49. Cry.

50. Make it your goal to make THEM cry.

It's Good to be a Man

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours. 

Wedding plans take care of themselves. 

Chocolate is just another snack. 

You can be president. 

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. 

Car mechanics tell you the truth. 

You don't give a rat's butt if someone doesn't notice your new haircut. 

The world is your urinal. I love this one... 

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky looking. 

Same work... more pay. 

Wrinkles add character. 

Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100. 

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. 

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. 

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. 

One mood, ALL the time. 

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 

You know stuff about tanks. 

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. 

You can open all your own jars. 

You can leave the motel bed unmade. 

You can kill your own food. 

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 

Your underwear is $6.95 for a three-pack. 

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices. 

Everything on your face stays its original color. 

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. 

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. 

You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming. 

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking 'He's mad at me.' 

You don't mooch off other's desserts. 

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. 

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. 

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. 

You don't have to shave below your neck. 

Your belly usually hides your big hips. 

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. 

You can 'do' your nails with a pocketknife or your teeth. 

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. 

Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

What Men Really Mean

"I'm going fishing." Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety." 

"It's a guy thing." Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical." 

"Can I help with dinner?" Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?" 

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. 

"It would take too long to explain." Really means..."I have no idea how it works. 

"We're going to be late." Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac." 

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." Really means...."I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra." 

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." 

"That's interesting, dear." Really means...."Are you still talking?" 

"It's a really good movie." Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."

"That's women's work." Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is." Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday." 

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe." 

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt." 

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon." 

"I can't find it." Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless." 

"What did I do this time?" Really means.... "What did you catch me at?" 

"I heard you." Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me." 

"You know I could never love anyone else." Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse." 

"You look terrific." Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving." 

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again." 

"We share the housework." Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

Women Speak

What Woman Say vs. What Women Really Mean

CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS? ... really means, "There is no way I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE. ... really means, "without you in it."

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?... really means, "We haven't had a fight in a while."

NO, PIZZA'S FINE.... really means, "you cheap slob!"

I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW. ... really means, "I just don't want YOU as a boyfriend now.

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? ... really means, "I can't believe you have nothing planned!"

COME HERE. ... really means, "My puppy does this, too."

I LIKE YOU, BUT... really means, "I don't like you."

OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.... really means, "just not in that way."

YOU NEVER LISTEN. ... really means, "You never listen.

WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY. ... really means, "I'm not going to stay over until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.

I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.... really means, "I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will."

OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF. ... really means, "I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going Dutch."

I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS. .... really means, "We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.

Men won't say

Let's watch Lifetime!

Sex is overrated.

I don't want to go too far on the first date.

Yes, I did notice your sister's breasts are bigger than yours.

There is nothing I like better than crawling into bed with a good book.

I'm glad I don't have a large thing between my legs.       

 

My hips are too big.

Aw, can't we watch Oprah?

Does this suit make me look fat?

I'll never get tired listening to Celine Dion.

How to Tell if You're a Woman

1. You're a Bitch. 

2. When asked "Is something bothering you?" you reply "no," then get pissed off when you are believed. 

3. You become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him, and immediately expect him to stop this behaviour. 

4. You always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening. 

5. You always hide very important events in very unimportant terms so you can have something to be pissed about when your boyfriend declines because he has pressing business. For example, you say "It's no big deal, but I was wondering if you would like to visit my parents with me if you are not busy this weekend," when you mean "It means a great deal to me for you to see my family with me this weekend - whether it is possible or not!" 

6. You whine. 

7. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost superhuman level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep it's because he is lazy. 

8. No matter what the activity, he doesn't do it as well as a past boyfriend. 

9. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you. 

10. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you. 

11. You complain. 

12. You hate any bar he likes. 

13. You demand to be treated as an equal in everything - except when paying for meals, airplane tickets, concerts, beers, clothes, etc. - these are required gifts proving his love. 

14. You declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all the stress of your life. 

15. Any woman who so much as stares at your boyfriend is labelled a WHORE, and your network of friends is informed immediately to spread this 'fact' as quickly as possible. 

16. You make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs.

17. You break into tears for no apparent reason, then use number 2. 

18. You ask for help in some endeavour then become livid when it is given. 

19. You insinuate yourself into your boyfriend's group of friends, break up with him, then make sure you are present at every gathering for the next month just to rub it in. 

20. You must have two sets of clothes: your "Fat Clothes" and your "Clothes I'm Going to Fit In Someday, I Swear". Still, you don't like any of them. 

21. (Corollary to #4) You have three closets (plus two dressers and six boxes) full of clothes, yet you stand in front of them for three hours before an important dinner declaring, "I have nothing to wear." 

22. You actually like the Lifetime cable channel. 

23. Girls Night Out is a special treat. Boys Night Out is forbidden.

25 more things you will never here a women say

1. You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me. 

2. I know I'm sore and my parents are in the other room, I still want you right now! 

3. This porno scene is boring, fast forward to the more action. 

4. Don't get up, I kinda like sleeping in the wetspot 

5. Don't dirty up your T-shirt wiping that up, use my blouse 

6. That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch porno's again? 

7. I bet it would be kinky to watch you with our baby sitter Tracy. 

8. You're my daddy, you're my daddy! 

9. The new girl in my office is a stripper, I invited her over for dinner on Friday.

10. Honey, did you leave that skid in the toilet bowl? Good one!

11. While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover. 

12. Bar food again!? Kick ass.

13. I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your Ex girlfriend has class. 

14. That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am, Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her. 

15. I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more. 

16. I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a wonderful Valentines day!

17. Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore. 

18. I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want 'em?

19. It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers. 

20. Honey come here! Watch me do a Tequila Shot off of Stephanie's bare ass! 

21. My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another round for you and your friends. 

22. I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again. 

23. Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch. You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya' big silly! 

24. You are so much smarter than my father. 

25. If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch Sportscenter.

Vocabulary: Female vs. Male

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's
partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a
weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured
makes "look bigger."
male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, home run,
or goal.
Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's
girlfriend.


ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything that can be done while drinking

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and
male bonding.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 1/2
minutes.

20 truths about men

20 truths about men

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell themapart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even inbiblical  times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

16. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high. 

17. Definition of a man with manners - he gets out of the bath to pee.

18. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is.

19. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men –a woman.

20. Husbands are like children - they're fine if they're someone else's.