MALE OR FIMALE

Coffee is better than Women.

Why Coffee Is Better Than Women:

~ Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have some.
~ You won't get arrested for trying to buy coffee at 3 AM.
~ Coffee never runs out.
~ No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.
~ You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.
~ When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.
~ Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.
~ Coffee can be ready in 15 minutes or less.
~ White men can take black coffee home to their parents.
~ Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream on it.
~ You can always heat up coffee.
~ Coffee smells and looks good in the morning.
~ If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight.
~ Two words; INSTANT COFFEE !

Ladies Tee-shirt blurbs!

Guys have feelings too. But, like, who cares?
I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
I hate everybody, and you're next.
Please don't make me kill you.
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're okay now.
I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
Warning: I have an attitude, and I know how to use it.
Remember my name -- you'll be screaming it later.
You KNOW you want me.
Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time.
Of course I don't look busy - I did it right the first time!
Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
You, me, whipped cream, handcuffs. Any questions?
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear.
I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun.

Male/Female Definitions!

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes look bigger."
male: what you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything that can be done while drinking

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1/2 min.

5 Questions that put FEAR into a Man!

The 5 questions most feared by men are:
1...What are you thinking about?
2...Do you love me?
3...Do I look fat?
4...Do you think she is prettier than me?
5...What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly(i.e., tells the truth).

As a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible Responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer,which most likely is one of the following:
a...Baseball.
b...Football.
c...How fat you are.
d...How much prettier she is than you.
e...How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:
a...Oh Yeah, crap loads.
b...Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c...That depends on what you mean by love.
d...Does it matter?
e...Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
a...Compared to what?
b...I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c...A little extra weight looks good on you.
d...I've seen fatter.
e...Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:

a...Yes, but you have a better personality.
b...Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c...Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d...Define pretty.
e...Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a Boat").
WARNING: No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not-don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Oh ( expletive deleted).

Women Bashing (oh-oh)

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Let the wife cook in the dark.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!" Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.

Why do men like air-headed women?
Opposites attract.

If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

Most accidents happen at home. And the men have to eat them!

How do you blind a woman?
Put a windshield in front of her face.

How many men does it take to mop a floor?
None. It's a woman's job.

A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.

Don't be sexist. Broads hate that!

Why can't Helen Keller drive? She's a woman!

How many women does it take to paint a wall?
It depends on how hard you throw them.

Why did the woman cross the road?
Who cares! What was she doing out of the kitchen or the bedroom ???

What do you do if your dishwasher stops working?
Marry a new one !!

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't...there's a clock on the oven!

Jokes for the Ladies!

Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.

Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard the chicken was a slut.

Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have time.

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg?
A: They won't stop to ask directions.

Q: What do men and sperm have in common?
A: They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

Q: How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer.

Q: What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A: The bonds mature.

Q: Why are blonde jokes so short?
A: So men can remember them.

Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know; it has never happened.

Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
A: They all already have boyfriends.

Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A: A Widow.

Q: How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A: His hand caught fire.

Q: How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A: Put the remote control between his toes.

Q: What did God say after creating Adam?
A: I must be able to do better than that.

Q: What did God say after creating Eve?
A: "Practice makes perfect."

Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
A: Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A: They are married.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

If Men TRULY Ruled The World!

"If Men TRULY Ruled the World!"...

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the behind and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it.

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.

St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history!

The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".

Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Two words..."Ally McNaked".

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

Garbage would take itself out.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:

Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off".

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!".

When your wife/girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".

"Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

The Typical Male Decision Process!

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money,and then he makes his decision.
Which women did he choose?
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The one with the largest breasts!

Restroom wall graffiti!

You can learn a lot from reading the graffiti in a bathroom, library or other public area...

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
* Women's rest room, Murphy's, Champaign, Ill.

If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can't take a dump here -
Your asshole is in Washington!
* Men's rest room, Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Wash.

Beauty is only a light switch away.
* Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, N.C.

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives.
* Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C.

Remember, it's not "How high are you?", it's "Hi, how are you?"
* Rest stop off Route 81, W. VA.

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
* The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
* The Bayou, Baton Rouge, La.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.
* Men's rest room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, N.C.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
* Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Ariz.

A woman's rule of thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
* Women's rest room, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Tex.

Watch out for gay limbo dancers.
* Inside toilet stall door, men's rest room?

Express Lane: Five beers or less.
* Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, Ariz.

You're too good for him.
* Sign over mirror in women's rest room, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA

No wonder you always go home alone.
* Sign over mirror in men's rest room, Ed Debevic's,Beverly Hills, CA

What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.
* Men's rest room, Lynagh's, Lexington, KY

The perfect couple.

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus, with a huge bundle of toys.

Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated, and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The question is: Who was the survivor? Scroll down for the answer.











The perfect woman survived. She's the only one that existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and no such thing as a perfect man.

***Women stop here. That is the end of the joke.
***Men keep scrolling







So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving, and that explains why there was a car accident.


By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.

What men say & what it

"I'm going fishing." Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"It's a guy thing." Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain." Really means..."I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means...."The batteries in the remote are dead."

"We're going to be late." Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

"That's interesting, dear." Really means...."Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means...."I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me." Really means...."You want me to stay awake?"

"That's women's work." Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is." Really means...."I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means...."I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house." Really means...."I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means...."I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."

"I can't find it." Really means...."It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?" Really means...."What did you catch me doing?"

"I heard you." Really means...."I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"You look terrific." Really means...."Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I missed you." Really means...."I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means...."I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again.

"We share the housework." Really means...."I make the messes, you clean them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious." Really means...."You're cutting into the time I spend with my truck."

"I don't need to read the instructions." Really means...."I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

THERE IS NEVER ENOUGH JOKES ABOUT WOMEN AND MEN ENJOY

Stranded on a Desert Island...

A rather inhibited engineer finallysplurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the “craziest” thing he had ever donein his life. Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the hugeship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to alife preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island.

Outside of beautiful scenery, aspring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and forhours on end and sat under the same palm tree. One day, after several months had passed, agorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared.

“I'm from the other side of the island,” she said. “Were you on the cruise ship, too?”

“Yes, I was,” he answered. “But where did you get that rowboat?”

“Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree.”

“But, what did you use for tools?” asked the man, amazed.

“There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that'show I got the tools. But, enough of that,” she said. “Where have you been living all thistime? I don't see any shelter.”

“To be honest, I've just been sleepingon the beach,” he said.

“Would you like to come to my place?”the woman asked. The engineer nodded dumbly. She expertly rowed them around to her side ofthe island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with aneat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a Palm tree.There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

“It's not much, but I call it home.”Inside, she said, “Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?”

“No, thanks,” said the man. “One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!”

“It won't be coconut juice,” the woman replied. “I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas.”

Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, “Tell me, have you always had a beard?”

“No,” the man replied, “I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island.”

“Well if you'd like to shave, there's arazor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.”

The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered -- not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom -- and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked.

“You look great,” said the woman. “I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable.”

As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.

“Tell me,” she asked, “We've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Haven't you been lonely, too... isn't there something that you really, really miss? Something that all men and woman need? Something that would be really nice to have right now...?”

“Yes there is,” the man replied, shucking off his shyness. “There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just... well, it was impossible.”

“Well, it's not impossible, anymore,” the woman said.

The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: “You mean... you actually figured out some way we can CHECK OUR EMAIL HERE?!”

The Rules (by Her)

1. The Female always makes THE RULES.
2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.
3. No Male can possible know all THE RULES.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The Female can change her mind at any time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without the express, written consent of The Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.
14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.
15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim.
17. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.
18. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.

Top 10 Party Games for People Over 50

1.     Sag! You're it!

2.     Pin the toupee on the bald guy.

3.     20 questions shouted in your good ear.

4.     Kick the bucket.

5.     Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says bend over.

6.     Doc, doc, goose.

7.     Simon says something incoherent.

8.     Musical recliners.

9.     Spin the bottle of Mylanta.

10.                       Hide and go pee!

When Cats Are Like Men

• They are independent.
• They don't listen.
• They don't come in when you call.
• They like to stay out all night.
• When you are trying to get things done, they want your attention.
• When they are home, they like to be left alone and sleep.

Women's English

"Yes" = No

"No" = Yes

"Maybe" = No

"I'm sorry" = You'll be sorry

"We need" = I want

"It's your decision" = The correctdecision should be obvious by now

"Sure... go ahead"  = I don'twant you to

"I'm not upset"  = Of courseI'm upset, you moron!

"We need to talk"  = I needto complain

"You're certainly attentivetonight"  = Is sex all you ever think about?

"Be romantic, turn out the lights"= I have flabby thighs

"This kitchen is so inconvenient"  = I want a new house

"I want new curtains"  = andcarpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...

"I heard a noise"  = Inoticed you were almost asleep

"Do you love me?"  = I'm going to ask for something expensive

"How much do you love me?"  =I did something today you're really not going to like

"I'll be ready in a minute"  = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

"Is my butt fat?"  = Lie to me

"You have to learn tocommunicate"  = Just agree with me

"Are you listening to me!?"  = [Too late, you're dead]

"Do what you want."  = You'llpay for this later

WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN:

CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS?
There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine,again.

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
... without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.

NO, PIZZA'S FINE.
... you cheap slob!

I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.

COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.

I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.

OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.
... just not in that way.

YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.

WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY.
I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.

I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.

OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.

OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.

I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.

The Lady and the Facelift

A 47 year-old lady gets a facelift. It turns out very well and she enjoys showing off her new look. She goes to the newsstand and asks the man, ''Sir, how old do you think I am''?

The man replies ''You're 30, right?'' She says ''No, I'm 47, but nice try.''
The next day, she goes to McDonald's. She orders her lunch and asks the young man at the counter, ''How old do you think I am?''
The man replies, ''You're 37, right?''
The lady says ''No, I'm 47, but good guess.''
After lunch, she gets on the bus and she asks an 85-year-old man how old she is. He replies ''Lady, I can tell how old any woman is by sticking my hand down her panties.''
So, quietly and quickly, she lets him do so. He thinks a moment and announces, ''You're 47!''
The lady, astonished, asks, ''How did you know?''
The old man replies ''I was standing right behind you at McDonald's.''

The Love Dress

A woman goes over to her married son's house and walks in to find her daughter-in-law sitting in a chair, entirely nude. The mother-in-law says, “What the hell are you doing?”

“I'm wearing my love dress,” responds the daughter-in-law, “We haven't made love in a long time.”
So the mother-in-law says, “Hm, maybe I should try that.”
She goes home to find her husband is not in, so she gets undressed. Two hours go by and finally she hears her husband's car. He walks in the front door and says, “What the fuck are you doing?”
“I'm wearing my love dress,” says the wife.
“Well,” responds the husband, “it needs to be ironed.”

 

Thinnest Book in the World

Whats the thinnest book in the world?

"What Men Know About Women."

Tight Skirt, Bus Stop

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.
So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"
Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

Stuff Men Need to Know about Women

Not a complete list, obviously.

The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because we actually change our underwear.

The next time you and your buddies make jokes about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.

If we're watching football with you - it's not bonding - it's their butts.

Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.

Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.

Please don't drive when you're not driving.

If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in bed.

The next time you make jokes about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts.

If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's easy"?

Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don't care.

When you're not around, I belch loudly, too.

We don't mind if you look in the mirror to check your appearance - in fact, please do!

When you're out with us, please wear "our" favorite outfit rather than "yours" - the torn jeans and dirty T-Shirt will last longer that way.

If you must grunt in reply, please develop a system to indicate a positive vs. a negative grunt.

Don't insist that we "get off the stupid phone" and then not talk to us.

Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.

Cleaning the house is not necessarily "women's work"; besides, most of the "dirt" and clutter is yours anyway.

Yes, we know most of the great chefs are men, why is it then you never want to cook?

We go to the Ladies Room in groups to talk about you.

Yes, we know you can probably beat us arm wrestling. However, very few raises or promotions were gained by arm wrestling the boss.

Stuff Women Need to Know about Men

Not a complete list, obviously.

If you’re cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.

When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking. Unless the answer is yes. In which case, can he videotape it?

Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny. Seriously.

Don’t make him hold your purse in the mall. It does something to our manhood.

Shopping is not fascinating. Ever.

It is only common courtesy to leave the toilet seat up when you’re done.

If you really want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.

The man is always in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.

Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.

Don’t hog the covers. Really.

If he has to sit through “Legends of the Fall”, you have to sit through “Showgirls”.

“Fine.” is not an acceptible way to end an argument.

Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.

If you truly want honesty, don’t ask questions you don’t really want the answer to.

Of course he wants another beer.

The guy doesn’t always have to sleep on the wet spot.

Dogs good. Cats bad.

He does not want to be just friends.

Do not question a man’s innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.

He was not looking at that other girl. Well, okay, maybe a little. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy.

He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met. And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.

Your butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.

If you want a satisfying sex life, you will never fake an orgasm. Ever.

Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.

It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.

Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.

Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie: microwaving a burrito, fixing spaghetti, etc.) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.

Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.

He heard you the first time. Honest.

You know, you can ask him out too. Let’s spread the rejection around a little.

Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.

Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you’re with.

Of course size matters, and boy does he has the grandaddy of them all.

His bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.

Watching football is a major turn-on for him. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that.

Female Definitions

What these words mean (from a female perspective)

Argument - A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead - What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Barbecue - You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but he "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes - Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe - Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer - An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda - A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity - The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise - To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List - What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hairdresser - Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store - Similar to a black hole in space. If he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth - You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus...breathe...push..."

Lipstick - On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear.

Park - Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience - The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara - Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day - A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Male Definitions

What these words mean (from a male perspecive)

 

Alimony - Bounty after the mutiny or the cash surrender value of a husband or a system where two people make a mistake but one of them continues to pay for it or the high cost of leaving or the screwing you get for the screwing you got.

Beauty - The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband or feminine of intellect.

Bed - The place where marriages are decided.

Child - Love's by-product or one who stands halfway between an adult and the TV.

Criminal - Someone who gets caught.

Expert - One who has focused all his ignorance on to one subject or one who avoids the small errors as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy or a person who can take something you already know and make it sound confusing.

Gentleman - One who does not tell the naked truth in the presence of ladies.

Hers - His

Male - a member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the human race is commonly known (to the female) as "Mere Man". The genus has two varieties: good providers and bad providers.

Neurotic - Anybody who thinks you mean it when you ask how he is.

Optimist - One who believes that good arises out of evil, and that there is no evil or a bridegroom who thinks he has no bad habits.

Respectability - The offspring of a liaison between a bald head and a bank account.

Sexism - Maintaining that the sexes are equal.

Sorrow - The future tense of love.

Wealth - Any income that is at least one hundred dollars more a year than the income of one's wife's sister's husband.

Why Men Can't Win...

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.

If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt
and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.

If you don't, you're insensitive. 

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.

If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.

If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.

If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.

If you're not, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.

If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

 

Friendship Test

First things first: 

NO CHEATING Don't cheat. 

This is a little game that has a pretty funny/creepy outcome. Don't read ahead, just do it in order. It takes about 3 minutes It's worth it.
It's kinda eerie.... 

First, Get a blank piece of paper and pen. 

P.S. When you are asked to choose names, make sure it's people you ACTUALLY KNOW, and go with your first instincts! 

Scroll down one line at a time - don't read ahead or you'll ruin the fun!! 

1.) First, write the numbers 1 through 11 in a column. 

2.) Then, beside numbers 1 and 2, write any two numbers you want. 

3.) Beside the 3 and 7, write down the names of members of the opposite sex (or same sex if you're gay). Don't look ahead-or it won't turn out right. 

4.) Write anyone's name (like friends or family...) in the 4th, 5th and 6th spots. Don't cheat or you'll be upset that you did. 

5.) Write down four song titles in 8, 9, 10 and 11. 

6.) Finally, make a wish
And here is the key for that game.. 

1.) You must tell (the number in space 2) people about this game 

2.) The person in space 3 is the one that you love. 

3.) The person in 7 is one you like but can't work out. 

4.) You care most about the person you put in 4. 

5.) The person you name in number 5 is the one who knows you very well. 

6.) The person you name in 6 is your lucky star. 

7.) The song in 8 is the song that matches with the person in number 3. 

8.) The title in 9 is the song for the person in 7. 

9.) The tenth space is the song that tells you most about your mind. 

10.) And 11 is the song telling how you feel about life.

 

Husband store

Recently a "Husband Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands...

First floor

The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor

The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor

This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."
"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor

This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor

The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left."

 

The Rules

1. The female always makes the rules.

2. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notifications.

3. No male can possilby know all the rules. Nearly all females are born
with this knowledge.

4. If the female suspects the male knows the rules she may immediately
change some or all the rules.

5. The female is never wrong.

6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a misunderstanding, which is the direct result of a male having said or done something wrong.

7. If rule #6 applies, the male must immediately apologize for the misunderstanding.

8. The female can change her mind at any given point in time.

9. The male can never change his mind without the express written consent
of a female.

11. The female has every right to be upset or angry at any time.

12. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to
be angry or upset.

13. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or
not she want him to be angry or upset.

14. Any attempt to change the rules could result in severe bodily harm.