ARE THE MAN'S ALWAYS RIGHT ???

More Male Bashing

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.

What's the difference between a man and a lawnmower?
Lawnmowers don't bitch after they cut the yard.

How do you keep a man from attacking you?
Throw him the remote control.

What one thing can always get a man out of your life?
A hunting licence.

What's a man's idea of a romantic evening?
A candlelit football stadium.

What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?
A sex-change operation.

Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.

Why do men talk so dirty?
So they can wash their mouth out with beer.

Why did God create man?
She didn't. Her husband did.

How do you confuse a man?
Tell him to start a knock-knock joke.

Why do men do odd jobs around the house?
If they do, it's odd!

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.

What's foreplay when you are married?
20 minutes of begging and pleading.

Male/Female Phrases

Haven't I seen you before? Nice ass.

I'm a Romantic. "I'm poor.

I need you. My hand is tired.

I want a commitment. I'm sick of masturbation.

You're the only man I've ever cared about. You are the only man who hasn't rejected me.

I really want to get to know you better. So I can tell my friends about it.

It's just orange juice, try it. 3 more shots, and she'll have her legs wrapped around my head.

She's kinda cute. I want to have sex with her till my dick turns blue!

He's not my type. He won't sleep with me.

I miss you so much. I am so horny that my dog is starting to look good.

I had a wonderful time last night. Who the hell are you?

Do you love me? I've done something stupid and you might find out.

Do you 'really' love me? I've done something stupid and you're going to find out.

I'll give you a call. I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.

I've been thinking a lot. You're not as attractive as when I was drunk.

I think we should just be friends. You're ugly.

I've learned a lot from you. Next!

What Men Really Mean

"I'm going fishing." Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"It's a guy thing." Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain." Really means..."I have no idea how it works.

"We're going to be late." Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." Really means...."I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear." Really means...."Are you still talking?"

"It's a really good movie." Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."

"That's women's work." Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is." Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it." Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?" Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"

"I heard you." Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else." Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific." Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework." Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

Women's Compact Instruction Book

Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.

Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.

Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.

Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be let out alone.

The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy drinks. (Personally I think the dancing is debatable on most men).

Never sleep with a man who's named his willy.

Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.

Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If you want a committed man look in a mental hospital.

The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions.

If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.

A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, 'oh alright, I'll stay the night".

Women sleep with men, who if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.

Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

If he asks you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.

Sadly, all men are created equal.

When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar".

The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate to the exalted status of a 'former boyfriend".

There are two significant influences in a man's life and they are both his mother.

There are a lot of words that you can use to describe - strong, caring, loving - they'd be wrong - but you could still use them.

What I Want In A Man

What I Want In A Man, Original List... (at age 22)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover


What I Want In A Man, Revised List... (at age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Works steady
4. Doesn't nod off while I'm emoting
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on weekends

Advice to Men

ADVICE TO MEN ABOUT WHAT WOMEN WANT

Nowadays it seems like they want....other women. No, uhh....some women want zero from a man, and others want lots of zeros from a man. Let's see, the myth is that women want Brad Pitt in the bedroom, Brad Pitt in the kitchen, Brad Pitt around the house, Brad Pitt during a game, Brad Pitt when they're sick, Brad Pitt in conversation, the body of Brad Pitt in 'Legends of the Fall' combined with the voice of Brad Pitt, and to top it all off the IQ of Fabio on two bottles of NyQuil.

Another myth is that a woman must be married by a certain age or she'll never find stability. Hey, I've got news for you, ladies: looking to men for stability is like going to Crispin Glover for psychoanalysis, all right?

And yet a third myth is that men think that women like guys who are dangerous. As a result, guys will often smoke cigarettes, drink too much, and ride a motorcycle without a helmet. Women don't like guys who are dangerous. Women want us to think that because women are trying to kill us.

Now I'll be the first to admit that men's advice on women is about as reliable as an M-16 in the mud, but this is what I kinda sorta, maybe think women want from men.

ONE- Foreplay is not a privilege; it is a birthright.

TWO- If you take her out to a fancy restaurant, don't try to subtly steer her away from the lobster, Diamond Jim.

THREE- Quit blowing smoke up women's asses about the sanctity and power they possess as lifegivers and come up with some decent affordable child care. That way, maybe poor single mothers can go to work and get off welfare and we won't have to listen to any more assholes in Congress blathering about orphanages.

FOUR- Equal work for equal pay. Look around you at work, guys. Look at...say Carl, the brain-dead jagoff in the cubicle next to you. You could kill Carl, couldn't you, because he's a slacking, worthless, toady idiot. Now imagine making 30 percent less than Carl. Hellooo....

FIVE- This is very important: During lovemaking: Don't ask, "Who's your daddy?" Even as a joke. All right? It's not funny.

SIX- When her mouth moves, pay attention, words could be coming out. Words are kind of important.

SEVEN- Pass a law that makes it compulsory for all over-the-hill rock stars to have women their own age in their videos.

EIGHT- Don't ask her if she came. You're a big boy now, Clouseau, you should know if she came.

NINE- Don't tell her how to merge and she won't tell you to ask for directions.

TEN- When she catches you cheating on her and cuts off your dick in your sleep, take it like a man.

So, guys, at the end of the what women want is this: equal pay, fair treatment, respect, patience, sensitivity, passion and a genuine effort at understanding who they really are. Or if that's too much to ask, how about a big diamond the size of your head?

Why bikes are better than women!

1. Bicycles don't pregnant.

2. You can ride your bicycle any time of the month.

3. Bicycles don't have parents.

4. Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
5. You can share your bicycles with your friends.
6. Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you've ridden.

7. When riding, you and your bicycle can arrive at the same time.

8. Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you have now.

9. Bicycles don't care if you look at other bicycles.

10. Bicycles don't care if you buy bicycle magazines.

11. You'll never hear, "Suprise, you're goning to own a new bicycle" unless you go out and buy one yourself.

12. If your bicycle goes flat, you can fix it.

13. If your bicycle is too loose, you can tighten it.

14. If your bicycle gets misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it.

15. You can have a black bicycle and bring it home to your parents.

16. You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your bicycle.

17. If you say bad things to your bicycle, you don't have to apologize before you ride it again.

18. You can ride your bicycle as long as you want and it wont get sore.

19. You can stop riding your bicycle as soon as you want and it wont get frustrated.

20. Your parents wont remain in touch with your old bicycle after you dump it.

21. Bicycles don't get headaches.

22. Bicycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider.

23. Your bicyle never wants a night out with other bicycles.

24. Bicycles don't care if you're late.

25. You don't have to take a shower before you ride your bicycle.

26. If your bicycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.

27. You can ride your bicycle the first time you meet it without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.

28. The only protection you need to wear when riding your bicycle is a decent helment.

29. When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you
had the last time you were on your bicycle.

Rules for Women to live by (as given by men)...

Rules for Women to live by(as given by men).

1. Return calls.

2. Don't lie, either. We have call waiting.

3. Use handcuffs in place of tape (doesn't stick to hair).

4. If girls night out involves exotic dancers, remember, he's stuffed his speedos.

5. If girls night out is going to be fun, remember.......guys like to watch.

6. The correct response is never, ever, "not tonight, I have a headache."

7. Ditto for "would you like to give me oral pleasures."

8. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is VERY GOOD!

9. "Nag", "Lardass", and "Bitch" are compliments in some cultures.

10. Talking is uncommon, Shouting is ineffective, Slapping generally gets the point across.

11. Ex-girlfriends are nothing more than EX-GIRLFRIENDS. (so get over it)

12. Buying her dinner does equal foreplay if, you use your toes correctly under the table.

13. Two words: clean house!

14. Stop nagging.

15. Never wrong just accept it.

16. You are more attractive when we're drunk.

17. Don't assume PMS is an acceptable response.

18. No means maybe, Yes means I thought you' would never ask.

19. You can't convince us that spending $300 on SALE items saved me anything!

20. Chivalry and Feminism can't peacefully co-exist.

21. 3,000 miles = oil change. Figure it out.

22. If you want to break up with him, don't ask if you can "still be friends" He's got enough friends and you've been complaining about them and that's why you're breaking up in the first place!

23. Don't force him to tell you he loves you in front of other people and if he does, you better hang on to that man for life, honey!

24. Always, always suck up to his mother.

25. Think naked.

26. Even during the daytime.

27. If you ask..."Is she pretty?" be prepared for the truth!

28. Ditto for "Would you sleep with her?"

29. Does not apply to "Do you like my cooking?"

30. Superbowl Sunday IS a religious holiday.

31. On time means ON TIME not "Well I was only 14 minutes late this time."

32. Buns of steel works...try it.

33. My ex-girlfriend did ...refer to # 11

34. Admit you too like to order the playboy channel.

35. The rules ARE never fair. He would have been playing golf if it weren't for the birth of your first child. But he couldn't get a tee time anyway and besides, it'll make him look good in front of the in-laws. You're right about ONE thing, it does all balance out.

These rules are original and cannot be duplicated without the expressed
consent of the authors or the nearest male (whichever is closer)

FAQs -- Men

Why won't men ever pick up after themselves?
Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.
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What's with all the belching and farting?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.
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Why do men hate shopping?
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? err... Buying?
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Why can't men ever leave the toilet seat down?
Have you ever seen one of us pee? The proper position of the toilet seat is up. Mathematically speaking, the proper position of the toilet seat is a function of the time spent peeing over the time spent sitting. The closer that ratio approaches one, the truer the proposition. Besides, it's actually a courtesy that we lift the seat. Why would we care if we pee all over the seat. You're the ones that have to sit on it. You should appreciate the fact that we actually lift the darn thing. We aim to please.
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Why do men find blonde bimbos attractive?
Are you kidding? Even leaving the physical aside, blonde bimbos are generally much easier to get along (alone) with. They like having fun and doing exciting things. They don't walk around with the weight of the world on their shoulders. They don't ever give us a hard time for being a dumb male; and plus they laugh at most of our jokes (even the ones they don't get). What more could any of us males ask for?
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Why do men act like they own the remote control?
What do you mean act? We do; possession is nine tenth of the law. Besides, it is an awesome responsibility not to be entrusted to just anyone. I believe the only fair way to decide who gets the remote control is to arm wrestle for it.
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Why can't men stay on a single channel for more than two seconds?
Are you kidding? What if there is something good on the next channel? We could miss it if we stay on one channel for too long. (See also: Why do men fear commitment?)
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Why do men fear commitment?
Don't be so surprised. Yes; most of us do know what 'commitment' means and can spell it correctly. It's like an automobile. No matter how good you think this year's model is, they're always coming out with newer, faster, better, sleeker, and sexier models. We simply cannot be expected to purchase the first one we see. We must browse around a bit and test drive a few. Who wants to end up with a lemon? At least a car, there's a slight chance of it eventually becoming a classic. It simply makes much more sense to lease and upgrade to the younger... err... I mean newer models every couple of years. Some of them come with fun extras like dual air bags.
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What does it mean when men say, "I'm just not ready for a relationship right now" or "I don't want a girl friend?"
It means that we like you enough to sleep with you, but not enough so that we want to see you repeatedly.
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What does it mean when men say, "Can we just be friends?"
Generally, it means that the recipient of said comment is physically repulsive enough that no beer goggles may be thick enough to provide adequate protection.
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Do all men really masturbate?
Yes. It is genetically inherited behavior. It's been passed on from our most primal forefathers, and it'll be passed on to our sons.
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Why do men generally have greater upper body strength?
Several factors are at work, namely evolution, heredity, nutrition, and environment. (See also: Do all men really masturbate?)
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Why do men generally have better hand-eye or spatial coordinate motor coordination?
It is like with all things. Practice... Practice... Practice... (See also: Do all men really masturbate?)
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Why are men so obsessed with beautiful women?
As opposed to what? Really ugly women? Face it, if men were obsessed with ugly women, there would be just as much bitching about why men are so obsessed with ugly women. No matter how you set this up, some people are always going to be left out. I don't see anyone screaming about equal treatment for the stupid people either.
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Why do men like younger women?
Well, let's see. Besides the fact that they like older men, they're easily impressed. They're also perky, energetic, and come with very little baggage. And gravity has less prevail over their bodies.
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Why do men only have one thing on their minds?
While technically correct, this statement is not strictly true. We may only be able to entertain one idea at a time, but we do think of lots of other things besides sex, such as sports and beer. We also get hungry quite often.
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How can men possibly find that other woman attractive (i.e. whatever do you see in that fat pig)?
Even if you happen to be Cindy Crawford, once we get the idea that you are ours, other women suddenly become much more attractive and you lose a few attractiveness points. I'm a bit puzzled by this one myself. I think evolution is to blame. We men are just innocent bystanders in the war of the selfish genes. You should love us despite our inherent weakness.
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Why are men such dogs?
I resent that. Dogs are faithful... loyal... affectionate... and obedient...

How to Talk About Men & Still be Politically Correct

He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He investigates ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIALINVERSION.

He is not a SEX MACHINE - He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED.

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.

He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES - He has an INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENT.

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED

Men and Women

A WOMEN'S PERSPECTIVE 

Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time. 

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children. 

How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed. 

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it. 

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts. 

Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence. 

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one. 

How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs. 

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk. 

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. 

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him. 

Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract. 

Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time. 

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. 

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time. 

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes. 

What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women 

What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature. 

What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up. 

A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE

Why do men like love at first sight?
Because he knows it's all over as soon as she opens her mouth. 

A woman of5 thinks of having children. What does a man of5 think of?
How much his wife has begun to resemble Morly Safer. 

How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
Their target audience is women. 

What should you give a man who has everything?
A mute nymphomanic 8 year old girlfriend. 

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
Penis envy. 

Why do women have mid-life crises?
Because Phil and Oprah say they're supposed to. 

How does a woman show she's planning for the future?
Plastic Surgury. 

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
Sex, stupid. 

What do you do with a 40 year old woman who thinks she's God's gift?
Trade her in for two 20 year olds. 

Why do bachelors like smart women?
Because they're so rare. 

What's the difference between a wife and a job.
After 5 years, the job still sucks. 

Why is sleeping with a woman like a soap opera?
Cause it's the same tired old plot, year in and year out. 

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
They're trying not to attract any more undue blame then they already have.

What is the thinnest book in the world?
Biographies of Happy women 

What's the difference between men and government bonds?
None, they're both the same, steadily increasing in value, predictable and vastly undervalued by people who don't understand them.

His and Her ATM

HIM: 

1. Pull up to ATM

2. Insert card

3. Enter PIN number and account

4. Take cash, card and receipt

HER: 

1. Pull up to ATM

2. Check makeup in rearview mirror

3. Shut off engine

4. Put keys in purse

5. Get out of car b/c stopped too far from machine

6. Hunt for card in purse

7. Insert card

8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it

9. Enter PIN number

10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes

11. Hit "cancel"

12. Re-enter correct PIN number

13. Check balance

14. Look for envelope

15. Look in purse for pen

16. Make out deposit slip

17. Endorse checks

18. Make deposit

19. Study instructions

20. Make cash withdrawal

21. Get in car

22. Check makeup

23. Look for keys

24. Start car

25. Check makeup

26. Start pulling away

27. STOP

28. Back up to machine

29. Get out of car

30. Take card and receipt

31. Get back in car

32. Put card in wallet

33. Put receipt in checkbook

34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook

35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook

36. Check makeup

37. Put car in gear, reverse

38. Put car in drive

39. Drive away from machine

40. Travel 3 miles

41. Release parking brake

Advantages of older women...

An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night and ask you, "What are you thinking?" An older woman doesn't care what you think.

An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him.

An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of herbal tea.

An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

Older women can run faster because they're always wearing sensible shoes.
There's no need to be phobic about "committing" to and older woman - the last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent man.

Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an asshole if you're acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break up with her.

Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can't help you when you need to start replacing your old fillings.

An older woman will never accuse you of "using her." She's using you!
Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut Take out.

An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when she's with you, in case you get any ideas...
Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair, because somehow they always know.

Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often don't wear underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease.
Older women know what Kegel exercises are.

An older woman will agree to go to McDonald's with you for a meal.

Younger women are too nervous to eat anything in front of somebody that they might possibly boff later.

Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the night in a public park.

An older woman will always meet the minimum height requirement to go on an amusement ride.

An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her youth because chances are someone else has stolen them first.

Stoopit Pickup Lines

.

1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here! 

2. Just call me milk, I'll do your body good. 

3. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock. 

4. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you. 

5. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too. 

6. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it. 

7. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous. 

8. Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants. 

9. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

10. Baby, you must be tired cuz you have been running through my mind all night!

If Men got pregnant!

1. Maternity leave would last two years....with full pay.

2. There would be a cure for stretch marks.

3. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

4. Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.

5. All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.

6. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.

7. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

8. They wouldn't think twins were so cute.

9. Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.

10. Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.

11. Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.

12. They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.

13. Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's.

14. Women would rule the world.

MEN: Please Read Rules Before Proceding

1. Please do not talk to my breast. You won't be meeting them.

2. If you want to control someone sleep with your remote.

3. I always choose chocolate over men-always.

4. 51% love goddess 49% bitch.

5. My sexual preference is NO.

6. MY body is a temple, now get on your knees and pray.

7. It's not the size that counts, it's... no, wait, size does count.

8. Rrmember you horny peice of dirt, girls are made of sugar,  spice, and everything nace.

9. Men are like hardware floors, lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them forever.

10. Save your breath for your inflatable date.

On Gender Differences

The following comments are those of Bill Hall who is a syndicated humor columnist for the Lewiston Morning Tribune in Lewiston, Idaho.

Consider bathing, for instance. As a general rule, middle-aged women take baths at night. The men shower each morning. The men like to go to bed dirty and go to work clean. Women prefer to go to bed clean and to work dirty. That's why men usually take their coffee breaks with other men.

Women read more boring magazines than men. They read silly, pedestrian magazines filled with articles on making quilts, turning bleach bottles into stunning centerpieces, the use of orange eyeshadow and how to get men to shower before going to bed instead of before going to work.

Men read sensible, intellectual journals on how to catch fish and kill little animals.

When a man cooks, he keeps his knives sharp. Most female cooks don't. Indeed, most female cooks don't even own a decent kitchen knife, let alone a sharp one.
Female cooks offer the excuse that they would cut themselves if they had a sharp knife. And anyone with knives that lousy probably would.

There is another difference between male and female cooks. Female cooks generally cook better with dull knives than male cooks do with sharp knives. That's how infuriating female cooks can be.

Most women in my age group wear dresses occasionally. Only a few of my male friends do and then only in the privacy of their own homes.

The women hobble around on high-heeled shoes. Most men would never do anything that silly. In fact, there is a name for the kind of men who wear high heels. They are called cowboys.

Women laugh at men for wearing neckties and coats on 100-degree summer days. They snicker at men for wearing more clothes than necessary in hot weather. However, the women who do that are sweating in their pantyhose.

Most women in my age group wear make-up. Very few of the men do. There is a name for men who wear make-up. They are called weird cowboys.

Women are far more likely to be lousy tippers in restaurants, and to complain thereafter that men always get better service than they do.

Women fold their underwear. Most men merely stuff their underwear into the drawer. Men use the time they save to catch fish and kill little animals.

Most women, when lost, will stop and ask directions. Most men in my age group believe admitting you're lost will cast doubt on your manhood. That's why so many macho men are lost. Smarter men prove their manhood by stopping and asking women for directions, even when they aren't lost.

There is another big difference between men and women in my age group. A competent man tends to rise through the ranks so easily that he eventually reaches a level where he is incompetent. Dr. Laurence J. Peter has dubbed this process the Peter Principle.

Women in my age group tend to be held below the level of their competence, making them embarrassing to work with because they tend to outshine male colleagues at the same level.

This is known as the Pain-in-the-Neck Principle. Incompetent men who have been subjected to that humiliation retaliate by refusing to promote women. And rightly so. You don't want people in the board room who don't shower each morning.

How to Tell if You're a Woman

1. You're a Bitch. 

2. When asked "Is something bothering you?" you reply "no," then get pissed off when you are believed. 

3. You become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him, and immediately expect him to stop this behaviour. 

4. You always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening. 

5. You always hide very important events in very unimportant terms so you can have something to be pissed about when your boyfriend declines because he has pressing business. For example, you say "It's no big deal, but I was wondering if you would like to visit my parents with me if you are not busy this weekend," when you mean "It means a great deal to me for you to see my family with me this weekend - whether it is possible or not!" 

6. You whine. 

7. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost superhuman level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep it's because he is lazy. 

8. No matter what the activity, he doesn't do it as well as a past boyfriend. 

9. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you. 

10. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you. 

11. You complain. 

12. You hate any bar he likes. 

13. You demand to be treated as an equal in everything - except when paying for meals, airplane tickets, concerts, beers, clothes, etc. - these are required gifts proving his love. 

14. You declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all the stress of your life. 

15. Any woman who so much as stares at your boyfriend is labelled a WHORE, and your network of friends is informed immediately to spread this 'fact' as quickly as possible. 

16. You make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs.

17. You break into tears for no apparent reason, then use number 2. 

18. You ask for help in some endeavour then become livid when it is given. 

19. You insinuate yourself into your boyfriend's group of friends, break up with him, then make sure you are present at every gathering for the next month just to rub it in. 

20. You must have two sets of clothes: your "Fat Clothes" and your "Clothes I'm Going to Fit In Someday, I Swear". Still, you don't like any of them. 

21. (Corollary to #4) You have three closets (plus two dressers and six boxes) full of clothes, yet you stand in front of them for three hours before an important dinner declaring, "I have nothing to wear." 

22. You actually like the Lifetime cable channel. 

23. Girls Night Out is a special treat. Boys Night Out is forbidden.

25 more things you will never here a women say

1. You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me. 

2. I know I'm sore and my parents are in the other room, I still want you right now! 

3. This porno scene is boring, fast forward to the more action. 

4. Don't get up, I kinda like sleeping in the wetspot 

5. Don't dirty up your T-shirt wiping that up, use my blouse 

6. That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch porno's again? 

7. I bet it would be kinky to watch you with our baby sitter Tracy. 

8. You're my daddy, you're my daddy! 

9. The new girl in my office is a stripper, I invited her over for dinner on Friday.

10. Honey, did you leave that skid in the toilet bowl? Good one!

11. While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover. 

12. Bar food again!? Kick ass.

13. I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your Ex girlfriend has class. 

14. That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am, Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her. 

15. I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more. 

16. I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a wonderful Valentines day!

17. Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore. 

18. I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want 'em?

19. It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers. 

20. Honey come here! Watch me do a Tequila Shot off of Stephanie's bare ass! 

21. My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another round for you and your friends. 

22. I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again. 

23. Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch. You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya' big silly! 

24. You are so much smarter than my father. 

25. If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch Sportscenter.

Vocabulary: Female vs. Male

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's
partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a
weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured
makes "look bigger."
male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, home run,
or goal.
Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's
girlfriend.


ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything that can be done while drinking

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and
male bonding.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 1/2
minutes.