History of a property

One of the best examples of how ridiculous government paperwork can be is illustrated by a recent case in Louisiana. A company president was trying to buy some land in Louisiana for a plant expansion, and he wanted to finance this new facility with a government loan.

His lawyer filled out all the necessary forms, including the abstract---tracing the title to the land back to 1803. The government reviewed his application and abstract and sent the following reply:

'We received today your letter enclosing application for your client supported by abstract of title. We have observed, however, that you have not traced the title previous to 1803, and before final approval, it will be necessary that the title be traced previous to that year. Yours truly.'

As a result, the lawyer sent the following letter to the government:

'Gentlemen, your letter regarding title received. I note you wish title to be claimed back further than I have done it.

'I was unaware that any educated man failed to know that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803. The title of the land was acquired by France by right of conquest of Spain. The land came into possession of Spain in 1492 by right of discovery by a Spanish-Portugese sailor named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by Queen Isabella.

'The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about title, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope of Rome upon Columbus' voyage before she sold her jewels to help him.

'Now the Pope, as you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, who is the Son of God. And God made the world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to assume that He also made that part of the United States called Louisiana, and I now hope you're satisfied.'

Question and answer

Q: Why do they say 'Amen' at the end of a prayer instead of 'Awomen'?
A: The same reason they sing Hymns instead of Hers!

Q: Why didn't Noah go fishing?
A: He only had two worms!

Q: When was the longest day in the Bible?
A: The day Adam was created because there was no Eve.

Q: Why did God create man before woman?
A: He didn't want any advice.

Q: What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A: A roamin' Catholic!

Doctor: 'Your recovery was a miracle!'
Patient: 'PRAISE GOD. Now I don't have to pay you!'

Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
A: Even then men wouldn't ask for directions!

What is God's name?

A Christian man had just died and was on his way to heaven. When he got to the gates of heaven he met an angel. The angel asked him what God's name was.

'Oh that's easy,' the man replied, 'His name is Andy.'

'What make you think his name is Andy?' the angel asked incredulously.

'Well, you see at Church we used to sing this song 'Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me.'

Animals go to Heaven

A cat and a mouse died on the same day and went up to Heaven. At the top they met God and he asked them 'How do you like it so far?'

The mouse replied 'It's great, but can I get a pair of roller skates?' God said 'Sure', and he gave him a pair of roller skates.

The next day God saw the cat and asked him 'How do you like it up here so far?' and the cat replied 'Great, I didn't know you had meals on wheels up here!'

Encountering a bear

A Baptist missionary was walking in Africa when he heard the ominous padding of a lion behind him. "Oh Lord," prayed the missionary, "Grant in Thy goodness that the lion walking behind me is a good Christian lion."

And then, in the silence that followed, the missionary heard the lion praying too: "Oh Lord," he prayed, "I thank Thee for the food which I am about to receive."

Worries about a risk

There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air.

The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength.

Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying. One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed.

With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope. The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks."

Religious One-Liners

Bumper Sticker:

If all else fails

read the instructions

(The Bible)

---

Bumper Sticker:

Prepare for your FINALS

Read the Bible

---

Clara: My pastor is so good he can talk on any subject for an hour.

Sarah: That's nothing! My pastor can talk for an hour without a subject!

---

At an atheist funeral: Here lies an atheist, all dressed up and nowhere to go.

Getting a Promotion

A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion.

"What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest.

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, next I can become Arch-Bishop." said the Priest.

"Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi.

"If I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it's possible for me to become a full Bishop." said the Priest.

"O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi.

The Priest, begining to get a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal."

"And then?" asked the Rabbi.

The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?"

"Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"

Service for Your Dog

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he for a long time.

The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying "Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."

Muldoon said "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick replied "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."

New Office Supplies

The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why.

"I'll tell you why," shouted Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register."

"Well, interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive them yet?"

"Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown.

"However, you sent us some golf pencils...each stamped with the words, `Play Golf Next Sunday.'"

Telling Some Stories

Delivering a speech at a banquet on the night of his arrival in a large city, a visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next day.

Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested the reporters to omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers.

A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with the following: "The minister told a number of stories that cannot be published."

Two Trouble Makers

A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.

So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.

The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"

Why Indeed

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word were misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it call "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

18. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know
the batteries are dead?

19.Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a
dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

More Stickers

• I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
•  I wasn't born a bitch.
• Men like you made me this way.
• Keep honking while I reload.
• Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
• Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
• Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
• EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
• Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
• If you drink, don't park.
• Accidents cause people.
• If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
• Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
• Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
• Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers.
• My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her...or something like that.
• Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
• Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
• If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
• Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

The World's Easiest Quiz

 (Answers at the bottom Hey - NO Cheating) 

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 

2) Which country makes Panama hats? 

3) From which animal do we get catgut? 

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? 

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? 

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name? 

8) What color is a purple finch? 

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? 

10) How long did the Thirty Years War last? 

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ 

1) 116 years, from 1337 to 1453. 

2) Ecuador. 

3) From sheep and horses. 

4) November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours. 

5) Squirrel fur. 

6) The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs.

7) Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert. 

8) Distinctively crimson. 

9) New Zealand. 

10) Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648.

Things you should know

.

There are more than twenty sheep for every person living in New-Zealand

The Swiss eat more cheese per head of population than any other nations

Ice-cream was invented in 1620

There is a place in Norway called Hell. (1 ticket for Hell please,first class)

Cats cannnot taste sweet food 

When flies take off, they jump backwards 

Blond people have more hair on their head than dark-haired people

There are more than 28000000 cats in the USA

No piece of paper can be folded in half more then 7 times.

Men building the tomb of Ramseses III in the twelfth century BC
wenton strike for higher pay

Incas used to eat guinea-pigs

At Chrismas 1969 black snow fell in Sweden (1969, turn the 9 upside down = 666)

Mary, Queen of Scots, was said te be a skilful billiards player

Warm water freezes more quickly than cold water

Napoleon was afraid of cats (Lucky he didn't go to the USA)

In 1820, a man sold his wife in the cattle market for 25p (wouldn't you wish you could do that?)

Los Angeles contains more cars then people

There are about 1000 diffrent words for camel in Arabic 

Snails can sleep for 3 years without waking up 

Male monkeys sometimes go bald, just like men do (hehehe!)

The Roman Emperor Caligula made his horse a senator

The sea-urchin walks on the tips of its teeth

A spider's web applied to a bleeding wound helps the blood to clot (NOT the spider, the web!)

 

English to Chinese Translation!

ENGLISH PHRASE-----------CHINESE TRANSLATION

Are you harboring a fugitive?---Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me A.S.A.P.------------ Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man-----------------Dum Gai

Small Horse----------------Tai Ni Po Ni

Your price is too high!!--------No Bai Dam Thing!!

Did you go to the beach?------Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table---Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a facelift-----Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here---------Wai So Dim?

Has your flight been delayed?---Hao Long Wei Ting?

An unauthorized execution------Lin Ching

I thought you were on a diet----Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone------- No Pah King

You are not very bright--------Yu So Dum

I got this for free------------Ai No Pei

I am not guilty---------------Wai Hang Mi?

Please, stay a while longer----Wai Go Nao?

Our meeting was scheduled next week-- Wai Yu Kum Nao

They have arrived------------Hia Dei Kum

Stay out of sight-------------Lei Lo

He's cleaning his automobile-----Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive------Hu Man Go!

Pew! does this bathroom stink!----Hu Flung Dung?

Did You Know ( Part 1)

• The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
• Coca-Cola was originally green.
• Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
• The Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
• Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
• City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong.
• State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska.
• Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
• Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
• Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33
• Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
• Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.
• Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
• The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
• The youngest pope was 11 years old.
• First novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
• The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments
• Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David
Clubs - Alexander the Great,
Hearts-Charlemagne, and
Diamonds - Julius Caesar.

• If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. .
• 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
• Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
• 'I am'. Is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
• The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
• The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the 'General Purpose' vehicle, G.P.
• The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
• In just one year, each and every American on average consumes enough wood and paper to construct a tree 100 feet tall and 16 inches in diameter.
• Over three million Americans stutter.  Stuttering is gender related and affects three to four times as many males as females.
• The maximum speed that raindrops can fall at is around 18mph.  The precise speed depends on their size.

• Because of thermal expansion the Eiffel Tower is 15cm taller in summer than in winter.
• The human head contains 22 bones.
• A bolt of lightning contains enough energy to toast 160,000 pieces of bread. Unfortunately, the bolt only takes 1/10,000 of a second - so turning the bread over might prove difficult!
• The tomato is the world's most popular fruit.
• Worldwide, 20,000 brands of beer are brewed in 180 styles, from ales, lagers, pilsner and stouts to bitters, cream ales and iced beers.
• The largest flower in the world is Rafflesia arnoldi.  Surprisingly, it is a a parasitic plant that grows only on Sumatra, Indonesia.  The genus Rafflesia was named after Sir Thomas Stamford Raffles, the great explorer.
• In 1313, King Edward II stated that, 'You are forbidden from dying in parliament.'
• In Melbourne, Australia it is illegal for men to parade in strapless dresses, however, they are allowed to cross-dress in anything with sleeves.
• King George V changed the name of the British royal family from the German sounding Saxe-Coburg-Gotha to Windsor in 1917.  As the Great War was at its height King George V wanted to distance himself from his cousin Kaiser Wilhelm II of Germany.
• Ravens are kept in the Tower of London because, according to myth, the British throne will come to a fall if the ravens leave the tower. The wings of the ravens are clipped to prevent them from flying away.

One more for luck: Apparently, we're told that 35% of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

ALWAYS SOMETHING TO SMILE FOR…

• I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.  She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
• I went in to a pet shop.  I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
• I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I take out The Elephant Man?' He said, 'He's not your type.' I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow.'
• I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said, 'Analogue.' I said, 'No, just a watch.'
• I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said, 'Kenwood?' I said, 'Where is he then?'
• I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.  I thought: 'That's Aboriginal.'
• I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet.  'Best Before End'
• I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires.  I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
• I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Elvis Presley.'
• I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.  He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
• I went to the doctor and I said to him, 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
• I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.  I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
• I was reading this book today, 'The History Of Glue.' I couldn't put it down.
• I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.  I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
• I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.  She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
• I visited the offices of the RSPCA today.  It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

BACK TO FUNNY SCHOOL

• Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.
• My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
• Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
• Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
• Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs.
• Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
• Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
• Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
• Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

• Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
• Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
• Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but another man of that name.
• The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot.
• The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
• The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
• InIn midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
• Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ids of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: 'Tee hee, Brutus.'
• Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients.  Moses then went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
• Gravity was invented by Issaac Walton.  It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn.
• Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

INTERESTING THINGS LAST WEEK

Will this will be the most popular shoes 2012th?

Such shoes regularly carry by Hollywood stars like Kate Hudson and Scarlett Johansson, who prefer to run and do sports, or simply walk.

Sneakers with "split fingers"

The most popular footwear in the U.S. this year was this sports shoes,walking or jogging, according to a poll whose results were published in 'Footwear News'.
For example, for the readers, glamorous shoes on high heels is not a victory, but examples of street fashion, among which are by far the most popular 'Vibram FiveFingers'.

26 percent of respondents believe that this innovative footwearis the most popular trend, and it was concluded that in the next year will increase demand for sneakers with 'split fingers. "

Besides 'FiveFingersa', the most popular on lists they found are espadrilles, high heels, shoes bright colors and women's shoes who are inspired by male models.

List of eleven musical shocking fact

Internet portal buzzfeed.com made ​​a list of eleven musical shocking fact that musicians are not to blame but ourselfs - the audience. Music lovers who appreciate the nice note and don’t understand 'today' noise ', but have a weak heart, we recommend that you skip all the twelve points of this shocking list.

First American hard rock, post-grunge band Creed, known for his sweet ballads like "One Last Breath ', has sold more albums than music legends - Jimi Hendrix.
Second Led Zeppelin, REM and Depeche Mode have never had a single at number one. Meanwhile, 23-year-old star Rihanna gathered already ten of them!

Third Ke $ hin hit 'Tik-tak' sold more copies than any other Beatles singles.

4th The song 'Low' American rapper Flo Ride has sold over eight million copies. Just like the legendary Beatles song - 'Hey Jude'.

5th Black Eyed Peas song "I Gotta Feeling 'is more popular than any song" The King "Elvis or music legends Simon and Garfunkel.

6th The album 'Falling Into You' Celine Dion has sold more copies than any album Queen, Nirvana or Bruce Springsteen.

7th Album 'Come On Over "Shania Twain has also surpassed the sales of the aforementioned musical institutions.

8th American singer Katy Perry with the 'King of Pop' Michael Jackson shares the record for number of singles from one album that were in the first place.

9th Barbra Streisand has sold more albums, more than 140 million, from Pearl Jam, Johnny Cash and Tom Petty - together!

10th Album "Some gave all ..." Billy Ray Cyrus, American country singer and father of Miley Cyrus, has sold 20 million copies, more than any album by Bob Marley.

11th Teenage singing series 'Glee' has more songs on the music charts since the Beatles.

In the youth, happiness makes a thrill, and later on is stability

Happiness is a factor that is changing, in youth we connect it with the wishes in the future, adrenaline and adventure, while the later will treasure the Present and Peace

Happiness depends also on the optimism of the individual

For young people, about 60 percent of happy experiences are those that include adrenaline thrill, according to a study at Pennsylvania State University for over 1000 people aged 20-50 years.

The researchers found that those in the 40's and 50's has connected happiness with peace and stability, as opposed to younger ones who happiness bring adventure.Also they found that young people are primarily looking into the future and they are happy about it , while the older generation more enjoy what is happening right now.

- Everyone should expect that his attitude and thinking about happiness will change, that's things what are bringing maturity and a better understanding of life - said the study's lead author, Professor Cassie Mogilner.

She added that they have found link between higher levels of happiness with respect to age, so we can not say whether older or younger people are happier, but the level of happiness depends on the individual. Thus, the optimistic ones are happier in younger or older ages, while pessimists are at younger age no more happier than those in older age.