How To Screw Up An Interview

We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of
those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. 

If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights:

1. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."

2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."

3. " A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."

4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."

5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve"

6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."

7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."

8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."

9 . "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."

10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."

11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."

12. "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold."

13. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."

14. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?"I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more.

15. "His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."

16. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."

17. "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security."

18. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."

Dating in College

1. In an imaginary world a kiss would signify the end of sexual tension and the beginning of a relationship. In college, it means somebody is horny.

2. In an imaginary world, "I really like spending time with you," and "You're cool," mean I REALLY like spending time with you and you ARE cool. In college, it means "will you have sex with me?"

3. In an imaginary world, holding hands is the first sign of true love. In college it means someone is too drunk to stand on their own.

4. In an imaginary world the guy buys dinner and a movie and kisses you goodnight at your front door. In college, there is no such thing as a dinner and a movie and at the end of a date, most guys want a hell of lot more that a kiss goodnight.

5. In an imaginary world, men aren't afraid to admit their feelings. In college, if you ask them what they want or why they kissed you they respond, "Why do you think?" Refer to number one for definition.

6. In an imaginary world, sleepovers are sleepovers. Just that. In college it's an orgy or pretty close to it.

7. In an imaginary world the guy might call you the day after. In college, you're lucky if he acknowledges your presence when you walk by . . . or if he does call back, refer to number one again, for the reason.

8. In an imaginary world even gorgeous guys are nice. In college, cute guys are asses, unattractive men are desparate, and nice guys finish last.

9. In an imaginary world, sex is sacred and special. In college, it happens every night between drunk strangers, who don't even know each others names.

10. In an imaginary world, men have only one girl, chickie, babe, woman. In college, you ARE the only one, except for, Jodi, Jean, Alisha, Sara, Laura, Liz, Christy, Carrie, Jen, Mary, Katie, Jocelyn, Lynda, Alyssa, Jessica, Cory, Rachel, Heather . . .

Laws Of Work

·        The first 90% of a project takes 10% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.

·        If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

·        A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

·        Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

·        It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

·        After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

·        The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

·        You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

·        Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

·        When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

·        If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

·        There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

·        Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

·        Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

·        Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

·        To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

·        Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

·        Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

·        If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

·        You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

·        People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

·        If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

·        At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

·        When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Kids View of Marriage and Relationships

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
-------------------------------
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Alan, age 10
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
-------------------------------------
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then." Camille, age 10

"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married." Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
--------------------------------------------------
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." Eddie, 6

"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
--------------------------------------------------
"Both don't want no more kids." Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
----------------------------------
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. Lynnette, age 8.

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
--------------------------------------------------------
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?
-------------------------------
"When they're rich." Pam, age 7

"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." Curt, age 7

"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do." Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
--------------------------------------
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them." Anita, 9

"Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing." Kirsten, age 10

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
--------------------------------------------------------------
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" Kelvin, age 8

"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now." Roberta, age 7

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
-----------------------------------
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." Ricky, age 10

Marriage quotes

I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me. -- Dick Martin

I do not see the EEC as a great love affair. It is more like nine desperate middle-ages couples with failing marriages meeting at a Brussels hotel for a group grope. -- Tynan

I think of my wife and I think of Lot, and I think of the lucky break he got.

I tried a mail order bride, once, but she was damaged in the mail, and I had to return the unused part for my full refund.

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about 'short' and 'cheap'? -- Phyllis Diller

I've been trying desperately to save my marriage for the last 35 years.

If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?

If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry. -- Chekhov

If you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children..." - they leave skid marks. -- Rita Rudner

Why Dogs Don't Use Computers


Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.


Fetch command not available on all platforms.


Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.


Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.


Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."


Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.


Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.


Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.


Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.


Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.


Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.


Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome


Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...


Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.


SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.


SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!


Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.


Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.


Too Hard To Type With Paws

1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?  (written by kids) 



You  got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
 --  Alan, age 10
 
 No  person really decides before they grow up who they're  going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you  get to find out later who you're stuck with.
 --  Kristen, age  10 


 2.  WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? 
 Twenty-three is the best age because you know  the person FOREVER by then.
 --   Camille, age 10 


 3.  HOW
 CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? 
 You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
 --  Derrick, age  8 


 4.  WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? 
 Both  don't want any more kids.  
 --  Lori,  age 8 


 5.  WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? 
 Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough..
 --  Lynnette, age  8    (isn't  she a treasure)
 
 On  the first date, they just tell each other lies and that  usually gets them interested enough to go for a second  date.
 --  Martin, age  10 


 6.  WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?  
 When they're rich.
 --  Pam, age  7 ( Love her )

 -The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
 - - Curt, age   7
  
 -The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.  
 - - Howard,  age 8 


 7.    IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? 
 It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
 --  Anita, age 9   (bless you child ) 


 8.  HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?  
 There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
 --  Kelvin, age 8 

And the #1 Favorite is ....... 


 9.  HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?  
 Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
  --  Ricky, age  10   

    

   
  
 

Deep Thoughts

Deep Thoughts

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, I hope they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that read, "I helped skin Bob."

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in some crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave Man, I guess I am a coward.

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it would be like ambition.

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says "You." After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because hey, free dummy.

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those really high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven - with a gun."

Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.

If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.

When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, the gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, "Hey, good job."

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind." Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

When I heard that trees grow a new 'ring' for each year they live, I thought, we humans are kind of like that: we grow a new layer of skin each year, and after many years we are thick and unwieldy from all our skin layers.

In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.

Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tiptop and bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out.

JOKES

The Programmer and the Princess

A programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said,

“If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.”

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said,

“If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”

The programmer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out,

“If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want.”

Again the programmer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked,

“What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?”

The programmer said,

“Look, I'm a programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend -- but a talking frog, now that's cool.”

Marketing

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.

Blondes Love Puzzles

There was this bartender and he was working at the bar one night. In walked a group of blondes and they were chanting:

"44 days! 44 days!"

One of the blondes was carrying a picture puzzle of Cookie Monster in a frame. The bartender leaned towards the blonde holding the puzzle and asked,

"Why are you chanting 44 days?"

She set down the puzzle on the counter and said,

"A lot of people think us blondes are dumb, so to show them, we bought this puzzle and put it together. It said 1-3 months but we completed it in 44 days!"

Hidden Within Logos....

It's interesting how some logos can have subtle messages. For example:

Do you see the spoon and arrow between the "E" and "x" ? I had never noticed this before.

2^nd and 3^rd "T"s are two people sharing a tortilla over a bowl of salsa. 

Probably the world's most famous bike race. The "R" in "Tour" is a cyclist, yellow circle front wheel of bicycle.

 

Arrow means Amazon has everything from A to Z??

 There is a sideways chocolate kiss between "K" and "I".

There is a bear if you look closely at image of Matterhorn . Toblerone chocolate bars originated in Berne , Switzerland whose symbol is the bear.

See "31" embedded in the "B R"? Thirty one-derful flavors !!!

Northwest Airlines. Circle is a compass. Guess which direction the arrow in upper left corner (or beginning of "W") is pointing?

See the gorilla and lioness ?

  

Smiley face is also a "g" like in "goodwill"

SOMETHING FOR VALENTINE’S DAY

LOVE WINS EVERYTHING

'I require three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.' Dorothy Parker

'Women are cursed, and men are the proof.' Rosanne Barr

'Women with pasts interest men... they hope history will repeat itself.'  Mae West

'Get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.' Mickey Rooney

'My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.'Rita Rudner

'The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.' Ann Landers

'I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell my children that, they just about throw up.' Barbara Bush

'Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.' Groucho Marx

Happiness is an imaginary condition, formerly attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults.Thomas Szasz

If you are in love, and wish to send you own Valentine's Day quotes, either use these or else modify them for your own true love.

The moment you have in your heart this extraordinary thing called love and feel the depth, the delight, the ecstasy of it, you will discover that for you the world is transformed. J. Krishnamurti

All you need is love. John Lennon

Love sought is good, but giv'n unsought is better. William Shakespeare in Twelfth Night (Act III, Scene I)

One makes mistakes; that is life. But it is never a mistake to have loved. Romain Rolland

Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke.Lynda Barry

Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses. Thomas Robert Dewar

A heart that loves is always young. Greek Proverb

But I have seen theeAnd thou art enough. G. Moore 

Your words are my food, your breath my wine. You are everything to me. Sarah Bernhardt 

Friendship is one mind in two bodies. Mencius

If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.Winnie the Pooh

There is only one happiness in life: to love and be loved. George Sand

Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was choice, falling in love with you was beyond my control.

Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. Aristotle

The heart has its reasons that reason does not know. Pascal

The risk it takes to remain tight inside the bud is more painful than the risk it takes to blossom.Anais Nin

You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back. Barbara DeAngelis

Love, like a river, will cut a new path whenever it meets an obstacle. Crystal Middlemas

Greater Love has no man than this: that a man lay down his life for his friends. Jesus

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return. Eden Ahbez

It's not that I can't live without you...it's just that I don't even want to try.It's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.' Alfred, Lord Tennyson

True love begins when nothing is looked for in return. Antoine De Saint-Exupery

Love, you know, seeks to make happy rather than to be happy. Ralph Connor

True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost. Charles Caleb Colton

We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere. Tim McGraw

Hold a true friend with both your hands. Nigerian Proverb

My father always used to say that when you die, if you've got five real friends, then you've had a great life. Lee Iacocca

A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out. Anon

Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don't say. Anon

If you walk in front of me, I may not follow.
If you walk behind me, I may not lead.
If you walk beside me, I will be your friend. Albert Camus

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
Mark Twain

Because when we love, we always strive to become better than we are. Paulo Coelho in The Alchemist

A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; A woman loses hers after four kisses. H.L. Mencken

A kiss can be a comma, a question mark or an exclamation point.  That's basic spelling that every woman tought to know. Mistinguette

Don't wait for the one you can live with, wait for the one you can't live without.Love is like a river, always changing, but always finding you again somewhere down the road. Kelly Elaine

One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love. Sophocles

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.  That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.  David Bissonnette

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years.  If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.  Henny Youngman

It's better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week.  Laurence J. Peter

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?  Anonymous

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?  Lily Tomlin

Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock. John Barrymore

Absence: that common cure of love.

Miguel De Cervantes