What I want in a man!

What I want in a man, Original List (age 22)

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates the finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I want in a man, Revised list (age 32)

1. Nice looking - preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at a restaurant
4. Listens more than he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry in all groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I want in a man, Revised list (age 42)

1. Not too ugly - bald head okay
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on most weekends

What I want in a man, Revised list (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm talking
5. Doesn't re-tell same jokes too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends

What I want in a man, Revised list (age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Forgets why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10.Remembers when...

What I want in a man, Revised list (age 72)

1. Breathing--

The 50's Woman

The following is from an actual 1950's Home Economics textbook intended for High School girls, teaching them how to prepare for married life:

1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed. 

2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift. 

3. Clear away clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. 

4. Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. 

5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him. 

6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day. 

7. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lay down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind. 

8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first. 

9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax. 

10. The Goal: try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.

Women's Little Instruction Book

"A Women's Little Instruction Book"

1. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're
aiming too high.

2. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you're sick of him.

4. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.

5. A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.

6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one -- they try harder.

7. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.

8. A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is
unquestionably gay.

9. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

10. Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the bath to pee.

11. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will
usually find that he is.

12. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men -- a woman.

13. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -- strong, caring, loving -- they'd be wrong but you could still use them.

14. Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and potentially violent
-- but they make great pets.

15. Men's brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per
man.

Language Differences

DICTIONARY
FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
 
40-ish
49
Adventurous
Slept with everyone
Athletic
No tits
Average  looking
Ugly
Beautiful
Pathological liar
Contagious
Smile
Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure
On medication
Feminist
Fat
Free  spirit

Friendship
first
Former slut
Fun
Annoying
New-Age
Body  hair in
the wrong places
Old-fashioned
No BJs
Open-minded
Desperate
Outgoing
Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate
Sloppy drunk
Professional
Bitch
Voluptuous
Very Fat
Large  frame

Wants Soul  mate
Stalker

WOMEN'S
ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe =  No
4. We  need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead =  You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset =  Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're  certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever
think about?

MEN'S
ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am  hungry
2. I  am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you =  Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with  you!
8. Can I  call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you!
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd  like to have sex with
you!
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you!
11. I don't think those shoes  go with that outfit = I'm gay! 

Why it's great to be a man!

Reasons why it's great to be a man:

Your butt is never a factor in a job interview.

Your orgasms are real. Always.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president.

You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don't give a crap if no one notices your new haircut.

Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

Same work ... more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

Porn movies are designed with you in mind.

Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So, notice anything different?"

One mood, ALL the damn time.

Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat!

You know stuff about tanks.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.

You can go to a public toilet without a support group.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."

No maxi-pads.

You don't mooch off other's desserts.

You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

Benefits of Being a Woman

1. Women got off the Titanic first.

2. Women can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder
excuses.

3. Women get to flirt with systems support men who always return their
calls, and are nice to them when they blow up their computers.

4. A women's boy friend's clothes make them look elfin and gorgeous -
guys look like complete idiots in a women's cloths.

5. Women can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

6. Women can cry and get off speeding fines.

7. Women have never lusted after a cartoon character or the central
figure in a computer game.

8. Taxis stop for women.

9. Men die earlier, so women get to cash in on the life insurance.

10. Women don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

11. Women get Free drinks.

12. Women get Free dinners.

13. Women get Free movies (you get the point).

14. Women can hug their friends without wondering if the friend thinks
there gay.

15. Women can hug their friends without wondering about their own
sexuality.

16. New lipstick gives women a whole new lease on life.

17. Condoms make no significant difference in women's enjoyment of sex.

18. If women aren't not making enough money they can blame the glass
ceiling.

19. It's possible for a woman to live their whole lives without ever
taking a group shower.

20. No fashion faus pas a women make could ever rival The Speedo.

21. Women don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

22. Women never have to wonder if their parteners orgasm was real.

23. If women forget to shave, no one has to know.

24. Women can congratulate a teammate without ever touching her ass.

25. If women have a zit, they know how to conceal it.

26. Women never have to reach down every so often to rearrange their
privates.

27. If women are dumb, some people will find it cute.

28. Women don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

29. Women have the ability to dress themselves.

30. Women have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month.

31. Women can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to
picture them naked.

32. If women marry someone 20 years younger, their aware that they look
like an idiot.

33. Women's friends won't think their weird if they ask whether there's
spinach in their teeth.

34. With women there are times when chocolate really can solve all your
problems.

35. Gay waiters don't make women uncomfortable.

36. Women will never regret piercing their ears.

37. Women can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

38. Women will never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.

39. Women know which drinking glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

THE DAILY GUIDE TO BURNING CALORIES

 Beating around the bush - 75
Jumping to conclusions - 100
Climbing the walls - 150
Swallowing your pride - 50
Passing the buck - 25
Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight) - 50-300
Dragging your heels - 100
Pushing your luck - 250
Making mountains out of molehills - 500
Hitting the nail on the head - 50
Wading through paperwork - 300
Bending over backwards - 75
Jumping on the bandwagon - 200
Balancing the books - 25
Running around in circles - 350
Eating crow - 225
Tooting your own horn - 25
Climbing the ladder of success - 750
Pulling out the stops - 75
Adding fuel to the fire - 160
Wrapping it up at the day's end - 12
Opening a can of worms - 50
Putting your foot in your mouth - 300
Covering your tracks - 165
Starting the ball rolling - 90
Going over the edge - 25
Picking up the pieces after - 350
Counting eggs before they hatch - 6
Cracking a smile - 35
Calling it quits - 2
Going to Hell in a handbasket – 2

 SOME NICE LAWS

 Oliver's Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Orben's Packaging Discovery: For the first time in history, one bag of groceries produces two bags of trash.

Osborn's Law: Variables won't, constants aren't.

Ozman's Laws: (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't. (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make. (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.

O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen: Cleanliness is next to impossible

O'Toole's Commentary On Murphy's Law: Murphy was an optimist.

Parkinson's Laws: First Law - Work expands to fill the time available for its completion. Second Law - Expenditures rise to meet income. Fourth Law - The number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount of work to be done. Law of Committees - The amount of time spent by a committee on an agenda item is inversely proportional to the cost of the item. Fifth Law - If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. Sixth Law - Action expands to fill the void created by human failure.

Hugh Downs' Four Rules for Investigating the Universe: Rule 1 - When confronted with an apparent infinite or infinitely repeating pattern, expect some variant that keeps it from being infinite. Rule 2 - When all investigation supports Rule 1, look for a situation which violates it. Rule 3 - Be prepared for an infinite oscillation between Rules 1 and 2. Rule 4 - Apply Rule 1.

Drew's Law of Highway Biology: The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes.

Ducharme's Axiom: If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as part of the problem.

Ducharme's Precept: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.

Emersons' Law of Contrariness: Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.

Estridge's Law: No matter how large and standardized the marketplace is, IBM can redefine it.

Fett's Law: Never replicate a successful experiment.

How to Be Happy

 So happiness - isn't that the thing that all of us strive to find and keep? Nobody is happy all of the time, but some people are definitely more fulfilled than others. Studies on what makes people happy reveal that it doesn't have much to do with material goods or high achievement; it seems to whittle down to your outlook on life, and the quality of your relationships with the people around you. To be happy you should know what to love and how much.

Steps:

1

Be optimistic. In the 1970s, researchers followed people who'd won the lottery and found that a year after they'd hit the jackpot, they were no happier than the people who didn't. They called it hedonic adaptation, which suggests that we each have a baseline level of happiness. No matter what happens, good or bad, the effect on our happiness is only temporary and we tend to rebound to our baseline level. Some people have a higher baseline happiness level than others, and that can be attributed in part to genetics, but it's also largely influenced by how you think. So while the remainder of this article will help boost your happiness, only improving your attitude towards life will increase your happiness permanently. Here are some excellent starting points for doing that:

 

2

Follow your gut. In one study, two groups of people were asked to pick out a poster to take home. One group was asked to analyze their decision carefully, weighing the pros and cons, and the other group was told to listen to their gut. Two weeks later, the group that followed their gut was happier with their posters than the group that analyzed their decisions. Now, some of our decisions are more crucial than picking out posters, but by the time you're poring over your choice, the options you're weighing are probably very similar, and the difference will only temporarily affect your happiness. So next time you have a decision to make, and you're down to two or three options, just pick the one that feels right, and go with it.

 

3

Make enough money to meet your basic needs: food, shelter, and clothing. In the US, that magic number is $40,000 a year. Any money you make beyond that will have negligible effects on your happiness. Remember the lottery winners mentioned earlier? Oodles of money didn't make them any happier, and it won't make you any happier. Once you make enough money to support your basic needs, your happiness is not significantly affected by how much money you make, but by your level of optimism.Your comfort may increase with your salary, but comfort isn't what makes people happy. It makes people bored. That's why it's important to push beyond your comfort zone to fuel your growth as a person.

4

Stay close to friends and family. Or move to where other members are- so you can see them more. We live in a mobile society, where people follow jobs around the country and sometimes around the world. We do this because we think increases in salary will make us happier, but the fact is that our relationships with our friends and family have a far greater impact on our happiness than our jobs do. So next time you think about relocating, consider that you'd need a salary increase of over $100,000 USD to compensate for the loss of happiness you'd have from moving away from your friends and family.[4] But if your relationships with your family and friends are unhealthy or nonexistent, and you are bent on moving, choose a location where you'll be making about the same amount of money as everyone else; according to research, people feel more financially secure (and happier) when they're on similar financial footing as the people around them, regardless of what that footing is.

5

Find happiness in the job you have now. Many people expect the right job or the right career to dramatically change their level of happiness, but happiness research makes it clear that your level of optimism and the quality of your relationships eclipse the satisfaction you gain from your job. If you have a positive outlook, you will make the best of any job, and if you have good relationships with people, you won't depend on your job to give your life a greater sense of meaning. You'll find it in your interactions with the people you care about. Now that doesn't mean you shouldn't aspire towards a job that will make you happier; it means you should understand that the capacity of your job to make you happy is quite small in comparison to your outlook on life and your relationships with people.

6

Smile. Science suggests that when you smile, whether you feel happy or not, your mood will be elevated. So smile all the time!
 

Wishing You all time Happiness

WHAT A FRIENDS ARE FOR (PART 1)

A real friend is someone who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.
-- Proverb

Sometimes just a smile on our face,
Can help to make this world a better place.
Stand up for the things that are right.
Try to talk things out instead of fight.
Lend a hand when you can, get involved this is good.
You can help to make a difference in your neighbourhood.
-- Robert Alan

No distance of place or lapse of time can lessen the friendship of those who are thoroughly persuaded of each other's worth.
-- Robert Southey

The road to a friends house is never too long.
-- Danish Proverb

The ideal friendship is to feel as one while remaining two.
-- Anne Sophie Swetchine

Dont walk in front of me, I may not follow; don�t walk behind me, I may not lead; walk beside me, and be my friend.
-- Albert Camus

Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don't say.
-- Source Unknown

The most precious possession that ever comes to a man in this world is a woman's heart.
-- Jaime H. Young

No woman/man is worth your tears and the only one who is, will never make you cry.
-- Source Unknown

If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't jump with them, I'd be at the bottom to catch them.
-- Source Unknown

It takes a minute to have a crush on someone, an hour to like someone and a day to love someone but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.
-- Source Unknown

The greatest sweetener of human life is Friendship. To raise this to the highest pitch of enjoyment, is a secret which but few discover.
-- Joseph Addison

The only way to have a friend is to be one.
-- Source Unknown

A friend drops their plans when you're in trouble, shares joy in your accomplishments, feels sad when you're in pain. A friend encourages your dreams and offers advice--but when you don't follow it, they still respect and love you.
-- Doris Wild Helmering

Choose your friends carefully. Your enemies will choose you.
-- Yasser Arafat

The heart may think it knows better: the senses know that absence blots people out. We really have no absent friends. The friend becomes a traitor by breaking, however unwillingly or sadly, out of our own zone: a hard judgment is passed on him, for all the pleas of the heart.
-- Elizabeth Bowen

I have a friend who tells a tale With statements parenthetical; To start at the beginning must To her seem quite heretical; For her accounts of happenings Are full of disconnection s; She starts them in the middle, And proceeds in all directions.
-- Erica H. Stux

I'm always there to tell people that their life is not that bad. I wish it was easy to follow that advice It is important to our friends to believe that we are unreservedly frank with them, and important to friendship that we are not.
-- Mignon McLaughlin

There is no more lovely, friendly, and charming relationship, communion, or company than a good marriage.
-- Martin Luther

There is nothing more noble or admirable than when two people who see eye to eye keep house as man and wife, confounding their enemies and delighting their friends. Homer, Odyssey
-- Odyssey Homer

You must go to bed with friends or whores, where money makes up the difference in beauty or desire.
-- W. H. Auden

The most I can do for my friend is simply be his friend.
-- Henry David Thoreau

Little friends may prove great friends.
-- Aesop

We can not do great things. We can only do little things with great love.
-- Mother Teresa

Law of the Garbage Truck

One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport
We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us.
My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us.
My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly.
So I asked, 'Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!'
This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, 'The Law of the Garbage Truck.'

He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment.
As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you. Don't take it personally.

Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.

The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day.
Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets,
so ... Love the people who treat you right.
Pray for the ones who don't..

Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!

Have a garbage-free day!

Children are Amazing

"When life gives you 100 reasons to cry, turn back and give life 1000 reasons to smile."

Children Are Quick
__________________________________
TEACHER:    Why are you late?
STUDENT:     Class started before I got here.
--------------------------------------------------------
TEACHER:    Maria, go to the map and find   North America       ..
MARIA:         Here it  is.
TEACHER:   Correct.  Now class, who discovered   America ?
CLASS:         Maria.
_________________________________  
TEACHER:    John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:          You told me to do it without using tables.
____________________________________
TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN:      K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'  

TEACHER:  No, that's wrong
GLENN:       Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.  
(I  Love this child)
____________________________________
TEACHER:   Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:     H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:   What are you talking about?
DONALD:    Yesterday you said it's H to O.  
__________________________________
TEACHER:   Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE:       Me!
____________________________________  
TEACHER:   Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:          Well, I'm a  lot closer to the ground than you are.  
___________________________________
TEACHER:     Millie, give me a sentence starting with '  I.  '
MILLIE:         I  is..

TEACHER:     No, Millie..... Always say, 'I  am.'
MILLIE:         All right...  'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'      
________________________________
TEACHER:    George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,
                   but also admitted it.  
                Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS:           Because George still had  the axe in his hand...    
___________________________________  
TEACHER:    Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:         No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.  
______________________________
TEACHER:       Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your   brother's..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE      :         No, sir. It's the same dog.    

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER:    Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people
are no longer  interested?
HAROLD:     A teacher
__________________________________  
PASS  IT AROUND THE WORLD AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH

Some smart words to guide you through YOUR LIFE

 
·  Patience is the companion of wisdom - Saint Augustine
·  Never discourage anyone who continually makes progress, no matter how slow - Aristotle
·  To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it - Confucius
·  He that cannot reason is a fool. He that will not is a bigot.  He that dare not is a slave - Andrew Carnegie
·  An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind - Shakyamuni Buddha
·  The only way to have a friend is to be one - Ralph Waldo Emerson
·  You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist - Indira Gandhi
·  You must be the change you wish to see in the world - Mahatma Gandhi
·  A bowl belongs to whoever needs it - A Native American saying
·  Without memory, there is no healing; without forgiveness, there is no future - Desmond Tutu
·  Wise men talk because they have something to say. Fools talk because they have to say something - Plato
·  Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder – Anon
·  The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order - Brian    Pickrell 

·  Never miss an opportunity to make others happy, even if you have to leave them alone in order to do it - Author unknown
·  He has a face like a Saint - A Saint Bernard - Unknown
·  I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer - Douglas Adams
·  The empty vessel makes the greatest sound - William Shakespeare
·  Silence and smile are two powerful words.  Smile is the way to solve many problems and Silence is the way to avoid many problems - Anon
·  Knowledge talks, wisdom listens
·  There cannot be a crisis next week.  My schedule is already full - Henry Kissinger
·  He could start a row in an empty house - Sir Alex Ferguson on footballer Dennis Wise
·  I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure - Clarence Darrow
·  He has all the virtues I dislike, and none of the vices I admire - Winston Churchill
·  I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure - W.C. Fields
·  In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back - Charlie Brown
·  To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone - Reba McEntire
·  Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway - Anon
·  Mistakes are painful when they happen, but years later a collection of mistakes called Experience leads us to success
·  A wise man listens to advice - Proverbs 12:15

ALWAYS SOMETHING TO SMILE FOR…

• I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.  She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
• I went in to a pet shop.  I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
• I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I take out The Elephant Man?' He said, 'He's not your type.' I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow.'
• I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said, 'Analogue.' I said, 'No, just a watch.'
• I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said, 'Kenwood?' I said, 'Where is he then?'
• I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.  I thought: 'That's Aboriginal.'
• I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet.  'Best Before End'
• I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires.  I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
• I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Elvis Presley.'
• I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.  He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
• I went to the doctor and I said to him, 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
• I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.  I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
• I was reading this book today, 'The History Of Glue.' I couldn't put it down.
• I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.  I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
• I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.  She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
• I visited the offices of the RSPCA today.  It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

BACK TO FUNNY SCHOOL

• Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.
• My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
• Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
• Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
• Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs.
• Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
• Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
• Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
• Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

• Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
• Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
• Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but another man of that name.
• The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot.
• The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
• The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
• InIn midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
• Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ids of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: 'Tee hee, Brutus.'
• Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients.  Moses then went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
• Gravity was invented by Issaac Walton.  It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn.
• Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.