RELATIONSHIPS

Why Hockey Is Better Than Sex

25. It's OK to bleed during play

24. If it's a bad game, you can call a time-out

23. Every player usually has two or three sticks to choose from.

22. There is a limit to the sizes of all equipment.

21. You can still play when you get married.

20. You can change on the fly.

19. Anytime you see an open net, you can go for it.

18. If you can't get it up, who cares.

17. You can pull the goalie without getting yelled at.

16. You can score on all the teams in the league over and over
again.

15. It is broadcast live on TV.

14. Every one can shoot at the same goal.

13. You can shoot in the goal and it's a good thing.

12. Because of the face-mask, nothing can get in your.

11. You always know how big the stick is.

10. It's legal to play hockey professionally.

9. The puck is always hard.

8. Protective equipment is reusable, and you don't ever have to
wash it.

7. It lasts a full hour.

6. You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds.

5. Your parents cheer when you score.

4. Periods only last twenty minutes.

3. You can count on it at least twice a week.

2. You can tell your friends about it afterwards

And the # 1 reason why hockey is better than sex---A two-on-one
or three-on-one is common in hockey.

The Top 16 Signs Your Wedding Day Isn't Going Well

16> The ceremony is spoiled by the insistent beeping from the bride's ankle cuff.

15> You're forced to exchange vows from separate rooms because of that week-old restraining order.

14> The bride's father gets his feelings hurt when her pimp insists on giving her away.

13> Even though he's sitting in the front row, you still don't remember the Grim Reaper being on the guest list.

12> At the end of the ceremony, Reverend Jones proposes a Kool-Aid toast.

11> Your bride enthusiastically shouts, "I do!" Unfortunately, it's when the priest asks if anyone objects to the marriage.

10> The ceremony starts in 20 minutes and you're still fighting over who gets to wear the dress.

9> "Do you take this man, Scott Peterson, to be your...."

8> When the "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" crew shows up to help plan the upcoming honeymoon, your fiance becomes alarmingly smitten with Carson the fashion savant.

7> "Something blue" is Grandma. Better call 911.

6> After greeting your bride by name, the honeymoon hotel clerk asks if she wants the room for the whole night this time.

5> Something old? Check.
Something new? Check.
Something borrowed? Check.
Something blew? Chuck, the best man.

4> You spot Ron Jeremy sitting on the bride's side of the church.

3> The groom refuses to put on the ring on your finger, saying, "Not the Preciousssss!"

2> Saying your vows extemporaneously was going great until you drew a blank on a rhyme for "clitoris."

1> You can't seem to find your tuxedo pants. But even if you could, the wedding is in Nebraska and you're handcuffed to a dominatrix in Singapore.

16        Signs more

16> Writing your wedding vows in Klingon seemed like such a cool idea at the bachelor party.

15> During the toast, when the bride's father refers to his daughter as "pure and virtuous," you laugh and blow champagne out your nose.

14> Sure, it rains at some outdoor weddings, but hellfire and brimstone?

13> The bride figurine atop the wedding cake? A fluffy white sheep.
Your pissed-off bride? A goat.

12> Getting married at Graceland seemed like a good idea, but you didn't count on that annoying spinning sound coming from Daddy's grave.

11> The ring bearer keeps dropping the bride's glass eye.

10> Your wedding planner convinced you to forgo a traditional reception in favor of a contemporary "flash-mob reception."

9> Traditional wedding: rice.
Your wedding: scorpions.

8> As soon as your vows are complete, Anna Nicole "accidentally" kicks over your ventilator.

7> Your bride keeps on telling you that it's unlucky to see her *after* the wedding.

6> Your vows are to love, honor, obey, remember to feed Bubbles and the llamas every night, and keep up the subscription to "NAMBLA Illustrated."

5> You can't get the ceremony started because the altar keeps bursting into flames whenever your fiancee approaches it.

4> Mid-ceremony, the priest whips out a chicken foot and begins to sprinkle yak urine on the bride.

3> "Do you, CuteBabe19, take BigGuy23-- damn, the server's down again!"

2> One hour before the big "I do," you suddenly realize there's a bridesmaid you haven't nailed.

1> You broke three bones in your hand in an altercation with photographers, your bride split the seam of her Vera Wang when she sat down, and now that little turd Matt Damon can't find the friggin' ring.

Cell Phone

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. When a cell phone on a bench rings, a man engages the handsfree speaker-function and begins to talk.


MAN: "Hello."

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I am at the mall and found a beautiful leather coat. Its only $1,000. Can I buy it?"

MAN: "OK, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000"

MAN: "For that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! One more thing....the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're only asking $750,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just offer $740,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."


The man hangs up. The other men are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Breakfast for Newlyweds

This guy and his newlywed wife go to the Hilton for their honeymoon night. At the front desk, they check in, and the receptionist gives the groom the key to the bridal suite. Just then he says to the groom, "Sir, It is now 6 o' clock, dinner will be served from 7:30 onwards."

The groom looks at him and says, "Thank you, but we won't be needing any" and off he and his bride go to the room. The whole evening the people next door the bridal suite are phoning down to the main desk to complain about all the moaning, which doesn't stop for one minute the whole night.

Next morning at 6am, the groom phones down to room service. "Hi, could I get some breakfast bpought up here?"

"Sure, what would you like?" asks room service.

The groom says, "Well, I have to replace all the energy I lost last night so you'd better get me 6 fried eggs, 9 sausages, 12 slices of toast and 6 liters of orange juice!"

Room service replies, "Gee, that's quite an appetite you got there. Is that for your wife as well, or just for you?"

"No, that's just for me. Can you send up six pieces of lettuce for my wife as well?"

Room service asks, "Why six pieces of lettuce?"

The groom replies, "I have to see if she can eat like a rabbit as well!!"

Thoughts on Marriage

NOVICE: Do clever men make good husbands?
SAGE : Clever men don't BECOME husbands!

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law `etter than I like mine."

WIFE : The 2 things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.
HUSBAND: Which is this?

NEWLYWED: Do you want dinner?
SPOUSE : Sure, what are my choices?
NEWLYWED: Yes and no.

The word 'stressed' makes perfect sense when you realize it is 'desserts' spelled backwards.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

A young man was extolling the virtues of his beautiful fiancee. One of his closest friends said to him: "You can't be serious about marrying Sarah Jane!"
"Why", he asked. "She's dated every man in Phoenix."

The bridegroom-to-be thought awhile and then muttered pensively, "Phoenix isn't such a big town."

MRS MURPHY'S LAW: If anything can go wrong, it will go wrong when he's out of town.

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works!"

This guy goes to a party without his wife. He hears this other guy say to his wife "Pass the sugar, Honey." and "Pass the honey, Sugar." He thinks this sort of speech is a good idea. So, in the morning when he and his wife are eating breakfast he says to his wife, "Pass the bacon, Pig."

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here either."

A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
The bum said, "No."
The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
The bum said, "No."
Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?

WHO IS BETTER MANS OR WOMENS ???

If Men were Pregnant

Maternity leave would last two years ... with full pay

There would be a cure for stretch marks

Natural childbirth would become obsolete

Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem

All methods of birth control would be 100% effective

Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained

Men would be eager to talk about commitment

They wouldn't think twins were so cute

Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM

Briefcases would be used as diaper bags

Patenity suits would be a fashion line of clothes

They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy

Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees

Women would rule the world

Women Shorts

Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
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Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?
Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
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Why are hangovers better than women?
Hangovers will go away.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men ?
So they can stand closer to the sink
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How do you know when a women's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't...there's a clock on the oven!
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I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..."
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Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
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One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!"
The other replies: "GREAT trade!"
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What are two reasons why women don't mind their own business?
1.No mind.
2.No business.
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The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" and I said, "Dust!"
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Why do women like intelligent men?
Opposites attract.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a women's sex drive by 90 percent....

Wedding cake!!!

Men Bashing

Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.

What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.

Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.

What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.

What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.

What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.

How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.

How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.

What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.

Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.
What do men dream of? Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.

Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Because they don't have any.

Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So oxygen can get to their brains.

What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
Castrated.

What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.

What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.

Why are all dumb blonde jokes oneliners?
So men can remember them.

Because I'm A Guy

Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, underany circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger -- how the heck could HE know where we're going?

Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either women or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.

Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is ok, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?

Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilariousto have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What's the connection?

Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.

Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.

Just Once

A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"

"Well, yes, once in the last five years."

"Well, how did he look?"

"Very angry"

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well, that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex in the past five years; that seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that you saw his face that time?"

"He was looking through the window at me."

Women's Advice to Men

-The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear.

-The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.

-If we're watching football with you--it's not bonding--it's the butts.

-If the truth hurts, ask us those ego-sensitive questions on your payday.

-Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.

-Don't fret if you find out that the milkman delivers more than once a day.

-Please don't drive when you're not driving.

-Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.

-Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number of baths you take.

-If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in bed.

-The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts.

-If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's easy"?

-Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don't care.

-When you're not around, I belch loudly, too.

-Start parting and combing your hair to one side early in life--you'll never see the 'island' coming.

-Have a strong need for male bonding? Visit your proctologist.

-Your contributions to your child should go above and beyond that y chromosome you unselfishly sacrificed.

-Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.

-Your balding is a good thing--it subsidizes our hair care expenses.

ONE MORE DAY WITH POLICE JOKES

The woman is on fire

A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands.

But it also lit up her arm, too!

Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street.

A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.

When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, "My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm."

The highly-skilled fly

A prisoner at the Edmonton Max started training a large fly to do tricks.

For years, for thousands of hours, he worked with the insect. It learned to walk across a miniature high wire, ride a tiny one-wheel bike, balance on a pair of stilts and sing songs from PHANTOM OF THE OPERA.

"When you and I get out of here," the jailbird said to the fly. "we're going to tour the nightspots and make a fortune."

Finally the day arrived. Fly safely tucked away in his pocket, (inside its matchbox home), the ex-con made his way to a bar to celebrate.

At the bar, he brought out his trick fly. On cue, it started moonwalking. "What about this fly, eh?" he said to the bartender.

In one swift motion, the bartender reached for his copy of the newspaper THE EDMONTON SUN, rolled it up and squished the fly with a mighty swipe.

"Glad you saw it," muttered the bartender. "Blasted things are everywhere."

A story behind a gun

Big Louie the Torpedo was becoming increasingly curious about one of the newer members of his mob, Benny the Rod. Benny had been in the business for many years in another part of the country. During that time he had garnered quite a reputation for being the most conscientious and honorable hit man available. He was also considered quite eccentric, perhaps odd, in that for the last ten years or so he always kept one hand in his pocket - clutching his cold steel weapon in readiness (hence the nickname, Benny the Rod).

When Benny arrived at Louie's office, the question was put to him.

"So what's the story with you and this here gun of yours, eh? Like, are you scared or somethin' or you just want to always be ready or what?"

"Not scared ..." Benny growled, "been doin' it dis way ever since me sister-in-law's weddin' 'bout ten ten years ago now".

"Oh yeah? ... so ...?"

"Well, I used ta know her fiance at da time - a no good chisler. He never even loved the goil so much ... but he made her happy and so I kept me mouth shut about it", Benny explained.

Louie leaned in, expecting the point of the matter.

"And since dat time I gotta do it dis way".

"But WHY?!", Louie finally demanded?

"Well, I was at da wedding", grumbled Benny, and I wasn't about to say nuttin' about it then, so now I gotta do like da preacher said ...

"Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Piece!"

You're in big trouble

John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"

John thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."

Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him -- he's just a wise guy when he's drunk and stoned."

Brian from the back seat said, "I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

Try to spell that name

A traffic Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name.

She said, "I'm Mrs. Chadivaler Zuminskagia Ragretumunga from the Republic of Uzbetikan visiting my daughter in Columbia."

As she finished speaking the cop paused for a moment and then put away his summons book and pen, and said, "Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again."

Some stupid truckers

While driving along the back roads of a small town, two truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3."

They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4."

"What do you think?" one asked the other.

The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"

Please show the I.D.

The following supposedly a true story.

This guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21."

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give the scotch to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.

The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.

The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off of the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

Stupid drunk blonde

A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," she cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake."

Watching for suicide

Why do they put a suicide watch on death row prisoners? Why would you care if a man you're planning to kill anyway, kills himself? Does it spoil the fun?

I also think about the death row prisoner in Texas who, on the day before his execution, managed to take a drug overdose. They rushed him to a hospital, saved his life, then brought him back to prison and killed him.

Apparently, just to anger him.

Strange name for cats

One day there was a woman who lost her cat named "LOVE." It was pretty dark outside and she lived in New York. So, thinking that he might be down the street, she put on her house-coat and went looking for him.

When a police officer stopped to ask what she was doing, she said very honestly, "I'm looking for LOVE." The policeman arrested her on the spot.

Knitting and driving

A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window... "Pull over!"

"No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"

Criminal steals lumber

A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.

"What did you take?" his priest asked.

"Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."

"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"

"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."

Testing a new recruit

Police Chief: As a recruit, you'll be faced with some difficult issues. What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?

New Recruit: Call for backup!

He's a drunk driver

There was an inebriated driver who was pulled up by the police. When the cop opened the door, the driver fell out.

"YOU'RE DRUNK!" exclaimed the police officer.

"Thank God for that!" said the drunk, "I thought the steering had gone."

Stealing from a store

This is supposedly a true story, it happened in a small town of the province of Quebec, Canada, in October 1996. They showed the video surveillance tape on the news, and even the anchorman was laughing through it.

A robber came into a convenience store wearing a ski mask and a gun wanting to empty the cash register. He took the clerk to the backstore and locked her up in the fridge. Unfortunately, when he came back to the front of the store, a customer had come in. So he took *off* the ski mask and the gloves, and pretended to be filling in for the clerk. The customer wanted a lottery ticket, so he tried to help her out, by pressing a whole bunch of buttons on the machine (thus leaving fingerprints everywhere), but the machine was not cooperating.

Meanwhile, another customer walks in. Finally, he tells the first customer (after about 5 minutes of close-up shots from the camera) that the machine is not working and that he won't be able to help her. The robber *makes the sale* to the second customer and he leaves as well.

The robber then puts back on his gloves to take the money (after touching just about everything in sight *without* gloves), and hides his face with the palm of his hands as he is leaving. This scene lasted well over 10 minutes, during which, you see and hear the robber as well as in a movie.

The day after excerpts of the tape were aired, the phones at the police station were ringing off the hook. Apparently, even though no reward had been offered, people thought he was too stupid to deserve anything else!

He had to turn himself in that same day.

Government is there

At recent trade talks the American representative offered to sell sophisticated American telephone technology to the Russians.

American : "In the United States, anyone can pick up any phone and dial 9-1-1. This will record the call and connect them with the police."

Russian : "In Russia we don't require that you dial anything."

Some police quotes

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Just how big were those two beers?

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."

Where are you from?

Theater Guest A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied "... the balcony."

EXTRA MORE POLICE JOKES

Dealing with a juggler

Juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police. "What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the officer.

"I juggle them in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it." So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.

A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!"

Should have glasses

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."

The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."

The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

The reason for running

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.

The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."

The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

Rookie is on the job

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people."

A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner... NOW!"

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

Pretty good," chuckled the vet, "especially since this is a bus stop."

Try to catch the rabbit

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

He is extremely drunk

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!"

A prisoner with skills

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community.... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place".

A test for being drunk

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.

He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."

"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm too drunk to do that!"

Breaking into a house

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

Go give us a donation

Traffic was backed up for miles, the police were going car to car. When they got to my car I asked the officer what was going on.

He said "It's Al Gore. He's up there threatening to set himself on fire! We are going car to car collecting donations."

"Donations!" I said, "How much you got so far?"

He said "about ten gallons."

Time for the wedding

A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say," "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

Prison vs. full-time job

Prison life versus a full-time job

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell.

At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day.

At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior.

At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.

At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.

At work you are just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own toilet.

At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.

At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.

At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.

At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.

At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.

At work we have managers.

Where is your wife?

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

How fast was I going?

"When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least."

"You're wrong, officer, it's only my hat that makes me look that old."

Undercover detective

A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?"

"No, I am an undercover detective."

"So why are you in uniform?"

"Today is my day off."

Judge has some fun

A judge grew tired of seeing the same town drunk in front of his bench. One day the judge glared down at the man, who was still intoxicated, and thundered "It is the sentence of this court that you be taken from here to a place of execution and there hanged by the neck until DEAD."

The drunk promptly fainted.

The court bailiff commenced to reviving the man, and looked up at the judge, at which time the judge shrugged and responded "I've always wanted to do that."

Excuse for speeding

A cop pulls a car over on the highway for speeding. When he asks for the driver's license, the driver argued, "Speeding??? But officer, I was only trying to keep a safe distance between my car the the car in back of me."

Warning all shoplifters

Warning to shoplifters: Anyone caught shoplifting will be beaten, gagged, whipped and tortured. Any survivors will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

Choose a punishment

A man was caught for speeding and went before the judge.

The judge said, "What will you take....30 days or $30."

The man replied, "I think I'll take the money."

Request before death

A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.

"Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain.

"Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"

Very stupid robbers

Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, "I hear sirens. Jump!"

The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!"

The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious."

Chatting on the plane

A man was recently flying to New York. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate.

"I've got a great policeman joke. Would you like to hear it?"

"I should let you know first that I am a policeman."

"That's OK. I'll tell it really slow!"

The new CIA agents

Three men are going through CIA training, trying to become secret agents. They finally got through all their written and physical tests when they are pulled aside by one of the instructors who took them to a small room with another room adjacent to it.

They brought the first guy's wife into the room and left her there. The instructor then loaded two rounds into a pistol, handed it to the first man saying, "Go kill your wife of five years." The trainee took the weapon, went into the next room. He came back out one minute later and said, "I can't do it." The instructor replied, "Then you fail out, so get out."

The second candidate's wife was brought to the room. The instructor then loaded two rounds into a pistol, handed it to the second man and said, "Go kill your wife of ten years." The trainee took the weapon, went into the next room, but returned three minutes later and said, "I can't do it." The instructor replied, "Then you fail out - get out."

Finally, the third candidate's wife was left in the adjacent room. The instructor loaded two rounds into a pistol, handed it to the third man and said, "Go kill your wife of fifteen years." The trainee took the weapon, went into the next room where there is silence for one minute. Suddenly, there was the sound of two gunshot, followed by a huge commotion in the room.

The third man came out finally, sweating profusely, and said, "You gave me blanks, so I had to choke her."

Purchasing the brain

A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations asked about the prices.

The doctor said, "Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a policeman's brain as well. It costs $50,000."

The client asked, "What? How's that possible?"

The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused."

Policemen in Heaven

St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up.

"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.

"I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids."

"Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates."

A few moments later a second man walks up.

"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.

"I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers."

"Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise."

A few moments later a third man walks up.

"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.

"I was a Military Policeman, Sir."

"Excellent my son, I have to leave for a bit, watch the gate will you?"

Charged for speeding

A man was speeding down a Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"

"Ever go a fishin'?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.

"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch 'em all?"

Make a last request

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given the last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The Warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?" To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play The Macarena for me one last time?"

"Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"

"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."

Don't arrest the judge

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat.

He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Irish Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"

"That it is, "Irish Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."

"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.

"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Mike.

"Well," mused Pat, "there's a lesson in this somewhere."

"That there is," replied Irish Mike...." 'Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover."

Lawyers get robbed

Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in.

While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand.

Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?" to which lawyer number one replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."

Debate the stop sign

A cop stops a man for running a stop sign and the subject gives the cop a lot of grief explaining that he did stop.

After several minutes, the cop explained to the gentleman that he didn't stop, he just slowed down a little.

The gentleman said 'Stop or slow down, what's the difference?'.

The cop pulled the guy out of the car and hit him with a nightstick for about a minute and then said, 'Would you like for me to stop or just slow down?'

Police chief hates you

Ten Signs The Police Chief Hates You

10. He sends you on drug raids....alone.

9. He refers to you as "Our Little Mascot."

8. The job description in your contract includes "crash test dummy" and "pepper-spray test subject."

7. Instead of a gun, you were issued a water pistol.

6. He always tells you that only wimps call for back-up.

5. He lied to you about an "officer exchange program" and put you on a plane to Siberia.

4. He doesn't like to be seen with you in public.

3. He makes up "missing persons" and then sends you to look for them.

2. You always get the patrol car with the flat tire, no gas, a dead battery, and a broken air conditioner.

1. Your locker is also the broom closet!!

Steal from this family

After shopping in a mall, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star."

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my kid through college somehow, don't I?"

Visiting kindergarten

Little Tommy's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station. There they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin board. The label clearly read, "The 10 Most Wanted."

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman, "the detectives want him very badly."

So Little Tommy asked, while tugging on the man's belt, "Um, mister, why didn't you keep them when you took their pictures?"

Robber met animals

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty.

He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes", said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?"

"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

Marriage Quotes

AND THEY LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER …..

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.


Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.


Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.


Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.


Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.


Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.


Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.


Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings":

* The Engagement Ring

* The Wedding Ring

* The Suffe-Ring

* The Endu-Ring

Married life is full of excitement and frustration:

* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.


It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.


Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.


It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!


There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.


A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.


Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?

Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.


Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.

Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!

There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"


Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.


They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.


When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.


There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.


A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive.


A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.


A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.


A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands.

Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.


Always talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone handy.


An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.


And I shall love thee still my dear, Until my wife is wise.


Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.


Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.


By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Dear Mrs, Mr, Miss, or Mr and Mrs Daneeka: Words cannot express the deep personal grief I experienced when your husband, son, father or brother was killed, wounded, or reported missing in action

Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.


Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.


English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is our idea of useless legislation.


Feminists are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.


He who knows nothing, knows nothing. But he who knows he knows nothing knows something. And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing, he knows something. Or something like that.


Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.


Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping.


I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.

I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me.


I do not see the EEC as a great love affair. It is more like nine desperate middle-ages couples with failing marriages meeting at a Brussels hotel for a group grope.


I think of my wife and I think of Lot, and I think of the lucky break he got.


I tried a mail order bride, once, but she was damaged in the mail, and I had to return the unused part for my full refund.


I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about 'short' and 'cheap'?


I've been trying desperately to save my marriage for the last 35 years.


If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?


If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry.


If you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children..." - they leave skid marks.

If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.


In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.


In marriage, the bridge gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains!


Jimmy Carter as President is like Truman Capote marrying Dolly Parton. The job is just too big for him.

Joint Checking Account: a handly little device which permits my wife to beat me to the draw.


Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which is never advisable.


Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.


Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.


Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.


Man and wife make one fool.

Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.


Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give.


Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.


Marriage is a rest period between romances.


Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.


Marriage is a trip between Niagara Falls and Reno.


Marriage is an institution--but who wants to live in an institution?

Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.


Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.


Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.


Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.


Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.


Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced.


Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.


Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.


Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth.


Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss..


Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.

Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them.


May you be too good for the world and not good enough for your wife.


May you grow so rich your widow's second husband never has to worry about a living, God forbid.


May you live happily ever after with a poor, ugly, shrewish wife.


May you never leave your marriage alive.


May your wife be a witch who takes after her mother, and may you all live together in a one-room house.


Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.


My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, And so made sure that she would stay, In better spirits night and day.


My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm lucky to have them.

My other wife is beautiful.


My wife doesn't care what I do away from home, as long as I don't enjoy it.


My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them.


My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!


My wife says if I go fishing one more time she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.


My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.


Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife.


No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.


Nothing says loving like marrying your cousin!

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Nuns: Women who marry God. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe?


Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands, but English women only hope to find in their butlers.


Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.


Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.


Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.


Spinster: A bachelor's wife.


Suicide is belated acquiescence in the opinion of one's wife's relatives.


Question: Ted Kennedy: "Where was George?"

Answer: Dry, sober, and at home with his wife


The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.


To heck with marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother--I want to marry one who makes dough like her father.

The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.


The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism are one, and that one is Marxism.

The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman.


The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.


The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a younger one.


There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.


To keep your marriage brimming

With love in the marriage cup,

Whenever you're wrong, admit it,

Whenever you're right, shut up.

This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all.


We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

What's new? Most of my wife.


When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.


Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.


Wife: The perfect acquisition for any gentleman feeling himself to have excessive control over his personal affairs.


You will marry into an Indian tribe and become one big Hopi family.

All marriages are happy--it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems.


Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized one and kept the other as a control.


Disclaimer: Even my wife doesn't agree with everything I say, and she loves me dearly. My employers don't love me nearly as much as she does. Draw your own conclusions.


It was very good of God to let Carlyle and Mrs Carlyle marry one another and so make only two people miserable instead of four, besides being very amusing.


May you be blessed with a wife so healthy and strong, she can pull the plow when your horse drops dead.


May you learn to perform miracles: earn a living and marry off your daughters.


May your daughters marry men of substance: gypsies with two bears.


Sign in a marriage counselor's window: "Out to lunch - Think it over."


The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.


There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards - only physics and war hold him in check. And the wife who wants him home by five, of course.