More Male Bashing
How many honest,
intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.
What's the difference between a man and a lawnmower?
Lawnmowers don't bitch after they cut the yard.
How do you keep a man from attacking you?
Throw him the remote control.
What one thing can always get a man out of your life?
A hunting licence.
What's a man's idea of a romantic evening?
A candlelit football stadium.
What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?
A sex-change operation.
Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.
Why do men talk so dirty?
So they can wash their mouth out with beer.
Why did God create man?
She didn't. Her husband did.
How do you confuse a man?
Tell him to start a knock-knock joke.
Why do men do odd jobs around the house?
If they do, it's odd!
Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.
What's foreplay when you are married?
20 minutes of begging and pleading.
Both of them.
What's the difference between a man and a lawnmower?
Lawnmowers don't bitch after they cut the yard.
How do you keep a man from attacking you?
Throw him the remote control.
What one thing can always get a man out of your life?
A hunting licence.
What's a man's idea of a romantic evening?
A candlelit football stadium.
What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?
A sex-change operation.
Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.
Why do men talk so dirty?
So they can wash their mouth out with beer.
Why did God create man?
She didn't. Her husband did.
How do you confuse a man?
Tell him to start a knock-knock joke.
Why do men do odd jobs around the house?
If they do, it's odd!
Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.
What's foreplay when you are married?
20 minutes of begging and pleading.
Male/Female Phrases
Haven't I seen
you before? Nice ass.
I'm a Romantic. "I'm poor.
I need you. My hand is tired.
I want a commitment. I'm sick of masturbation.
You're the only man I've ever cared about. You are the only man who hasn't rejected me.
I really want to get to know you better. So I can tell my friends about it.
It's just orange juice, try it. 3 more shots, and she'll have her legs wrapped around my head.
She's kinda cute. I want to have sex with her till my dick turns blue!
He's not my type. He won't sleep with me.
I miss you so much. I am so horny that my dog is starting to look good.
I had a wonderful time last night. Who the hell are you?
Do you love me? I've done something stupid and you might find out.
Do you 'really' love me? I've done something stupid and you're going to find out.
I'll give you a call. I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.
I've been thinking a lot. You're not as attractive as when I was drunk.
I think we should just be friends. You're ugly.
I've learned a lot from you. Next!
I'm a Romantic. "I'm poor.
I need you. My hand is tired.
I want a commitment. I'm sick of masturbation.
You're the only man I've ever cared about. You are the only man who hasn't rejected me.
I really want to get to know you better. So I can tell my friends about it.
It's just orange juice, try it. 3 more shots, and she'll have her legs wrapped around my head.
She's kinda cute. I want to have sex with her till my dick turns blue!
He's not my type. He won't sleep with me.
I miss you so much. I am so horny that my dog is starting to look good.
I had a wonderful time last night. Who the hell are you?
Do you love me? I've done something stupid and you might find out.
Do you 'really' love me? I've done something stupid and you're going to find out.
I'll give you a call. I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.
I've been thinking a lot. You're not as attractive as when I was drunk.
I think we should just be friends. You're ugly.
I've learned a lot from you. Next!
What Men Really Mean
"I'm going
fishing." Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously
stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by
in complete safety."
"It's a guy thing." Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?" Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain." Really means..."I have no idea how it works.
"We're going to be late." Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." Really means...."I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear." Really means...."Are you still talking?"
"It's a really good movie." Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."
"That's women's work." Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"You know how bad my memory is." Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it." Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?" Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"
"I heard you." Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else." Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific." Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework." Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
"It's a guy thing." Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?" Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain." Really means..."I have no idea how it works.
"We're going to be late." Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." Really means...."I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear." Really means...."Are you still talking?"
"It's a really good movie." Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."
"That's women's work." Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"You know how bad my memory is." Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it." Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?" Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"
"I heard you." Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else." Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific." Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework." Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
Women's Compact Instruction Book
Never do
housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.
Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be let out alone.
The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy drinks. (Personally I think the dancing is debatable on most men).
Never sleep with a man who's named his willy.
Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.
Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If you want a committed man look in a mental hospital.
The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions.
If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.
A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, 'oh alright, I'll stay the night".
Women sleep with men, who if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.
Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
If he asks you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.
Sadly, all men are created equal.
When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar".
The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate to the exalted status of a 'former boyfriend".
There are two significant influences in a man's life and they are both his mother.
There are a lot of words that you can use to describe - strong, caring, loving - they'd be wrong - but you could still use them.
Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.
Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be let out alone.
The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy drinks. (Personally I think the dancing is debatable on most men).
Never sleep with a man who's named his willy.
Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.
Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If you want a committed man look in a mental hospital.
The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions.
If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.
A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, 'oh alright, I'll stay the night".
Women sleep with men, who if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.
Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
If he asks you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.
Sadly, all men are created equal.
When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar".
The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate to the exalted status of a 'former boyfriend".
There are two significant influences in a man's life and they are both his mother.
There are a lot of words that you can use to describe - strong, caring, loving - they'd be wrong - but you could still use them.
What I Want In A Man
What I Want In A
Man, Original List... (at age 22)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover
What I Want In A Man, Revised List... (at age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Works steady
4. Doesn't nod off while I'm emoting
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on weekends
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover
What I Want In A Man, Revised List... (at age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Works steady
4. Doesn't nod off while I'm emoting
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on weekends
Advice to Men
ADVICE TO MEN
ABOUT WHAT WOMEN WANT
Nowadays it seems like they want....other women. No, uhh....some women want zero from a man, and others want lots of zeros from a man. Let's see, the myth is that women want Brad Pitt in the bedroom, Brad Pitt in the kitchen, Brad Pitt around the house, Brad Pitt during a game, Brad Pitt when they're sick, Brad Pitt in conversation, the body of Brad Pitt in 'Legends of the Fall' combined with the voice of Brad Pitt, and to top it all off the IQ of Fabio on two bottles of NyQuil.
Another myth is that a woman must be married by a certain age or she'll never find stability. Hey, I've got news for you, ladies: looking to men for stability is like going to Crispin Glover for psychoanalysis, all right?
And yet a third myth is that men think that women like guys who are dangerous. As a result, guys will often smoke cigarettes, drink too much, and ride a motorcycle without a helmet. Women don't like guys who are dangerous. Women want us to think that because women are trying to kill us.
Now I'll be the first to admit that men's advice on women is about as reliable as an M-16 in the mud, but this is what I kinda sorta, maybe think women want from men.
ONE- Foreplay is not a privilege; it is a birthright.
TWO- If you take her out to a fancy restaurant, don't try to subtly steer her away from the lobster, Diamond Jim.
THREE- Quit blowing smoke up women's asses about the sanctity and power they possess as lifegivers and come up with some decent affordable child care. That way, maybe poor single mothers can go to work and get off welfare and we won't have to listen to any more assholes in Congress blathering about orphanages.
FOUR- Equal work for equal pay. Look around you at work, guys. Look at...say Carl, the brain-dead jagoff in the cubicle next to you. You could kill Carl, couldn't you, because he's a slacking, worthless, toady idiot. Now imagine making 30 percent less than Carl. Hellooo....
FIVE- This is very important: During lovemaking: Don't ask, "Who's your daddy?" Even as a joke. All right? It's not funny.
SIX- When her mouth moves, pay attention, words could be coming out. Words are kind of important.
SEVEN- Pass a law that makes it compulsory for all over-the-hill rock stars to have women their own age in their videos.
EIGHT- Don't ask her if she came. You're a big boy now, Clouseau, you should know if she came.
NINE- Don't tell her how to merge and she won't tell you to ask for directions.
TEN- When she catches you cheating on her and cuts off your dick in your sleep, take it like a man.
So, guys, at the end of the what women want is this: equal pay, fair treatment, respect, patience, sensitivity, passion and a genuine effort at understanding who they really are. Or if that's too much to ask, how about a big diamond the size of your head?
Nowadays it seems like they want....other women. No, uhh....some women want zero from a man, and others want lots of zeros from a man. Let's see, the myth is that women want Brad Pitt in the bedroom, Brad Pitt in the kitchen, Brad Pitt around the house, Brad Pitt during a game, Brad Pitt when they're sick, Brad Pitt in conversation, the body of Brad Pitt in 'Legends of the Fall' combined with the voice of Brad Pitt, and to top it all off the IQ of Fabio on two bottles of NyQuil.
Another myth is that a woman must be married by a certain age or she'll never find stability. Hey, I've got news for you, ladies: looking to men for stability is like going to Crispin Glover for psychoanalysis, all right?
And yet a third myth is that men think that women like guys who are dangerous. As a result, guys will often smoke cigarettes, drink too much, and ride a motorcycle without a helmet. Women don't like guys who are dangerous. Women want us to think that because women are trying to kill us.
Now I'll be the first to admit that men's advice on women is about as reliable as an M-16 in the mud, but this is what I kinda sorta, maybe think women want from men.
ONE- Foreplay is not a privilege; it is a birthright.
TWO- If you take her out to a fancy restaurant, don't try to subtly steer her away from the lobster, Diamond Jim.
THREE- Quit blowing smoke up women's asses about the sanctity and power they possess as lifegivers and come up with some decent affordable child care. That way, maybe poor single mothers can go to work and get off welfare and we won't have to listen to any more assholes in Congress blathering about orphanages.
FOUR- Equal work for equal pay. Look around you at work, guys. Look at...say Carl, the brain-dead jagoff in the cubicle next to you. You could kill Carl, couldn't you, because he's a slacking, worthless, toady idiot. Now imagine making 30 percent less than Carl. Hellooo....
FIVE- This is very important: During lovemaking: Don't ask, "Who's your daddy?" Even as a joke. All right? It's not funny.
SIX- When her mouth moves, pay attention, words could be coming out. Words are kind of important.
SEVEN- Pass a law that makes it compulsory for all over-the-hill rock stars to have women their own age in their videos.
EIGHT- Don't ask her if she came. You're a big boy now, Clouseau, you should know if she came.
NINE- Don't tell her how to merge and she won't tell you to ask for directions.
TEN- When she catches you cheating on her and cuts off your dick in your sleep, take it like a man.
So, guys, at the end of the what women want is this: equal pay, fair treatment, respect, patience, sensitivity, passion and a genuine effort at understanding who they really are. Or if that's too much to ask, how about a big diamond the size of your head?
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