ARE THE MAN'S ALWAYS RIGHT ???

More Male Bashing

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.

What's the difference between a man and a lawnmower?
Lawnmowers don't bitch after they cut the yard.

How do you keep a man from attacking you?
Throw him the remote control.

What one thing can always get a man out of your life?
A hunting licence.

What's a man's idea of a romantic evening?
A candlelit football stadium.

What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?
A sex-change operation.

Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.

Why do men talk so dirty?
So they can wash their mouth out with beer.

Why did God create man?
She didn't. Her husband did.

How do you confuse a man?
Tell him to start a knock-knock joke.

Why do men do odd jobs around the house?
If they do, it's odd!

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.

What's foreplay when you are married?
20 minutes of begging and pleading.

Male/Female Phrases

Haven't I seen you before? Nice ass.

I'm a Romantic. "I'm poor.

I need you. My hand is tired.

I want a commitment. I'm sick of masturbation.

You're the only man I've ever cared about. You are the only man who hasn't rejected me.

I really want to get to know you better. So I can tell my friends about it.

It's just orange juice, try it. 3 more shots, and she'll have her legs wrapped around my head.

She's kinda cute. I want to have sex with her till my dick turns blue!

He's not my type. He won't sleep with me.

I miss you so much. I am so horny that my dog is starting to look good.

I had a wonderful time last night. Who the hell are you?

Do you love me? I've done something stupid and you might find out.

Do you 'really' love me? I've done something stupid and you're going to find out.

I'll give you a call. I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.

I've been thinking a lot. You're not as attractive as when I was drunk.

I think we should just be friends. You're ugly.

I've learned a lot from you. Next!

What Men Really Mean

"I'm going fishing." Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"It's a guy thing." Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain." Really means..."I have no idea how it works.

"We're going to be late." Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." Really means...."I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear." Really means...."Are you still talking?"

"It's a really good movie." Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."

"That's women's work." Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is." Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it." Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?" Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"

"I heard you." Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else." Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific." Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework." Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

Women's Compact Instruction Book

Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.

Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.

Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.

Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be let out alone.

The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy drinks. (Personally I think the dancing is debatable on most men).

Never sleep with a man who's named his willy.

Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.

Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If you want a committed man look in a mental hospital.

The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions.

If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.

A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, 'oh alright, I'll stay the night".

Women sleep with men, who if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.

Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

If he asks you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.

Sadly, all men are created equal.

When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar".

The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate to the exalted status of a 'former boyfriend".

There are two significant influences in a man's life and they are both his mother.

There are a lot of words that you can use to describe - strong, caring, loving - they'd be wrong - but you could still use them.

What I Want In A Man

What I Want In A Man, Original List... (at age 22)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover


What I Want In A Man, Revised List... (at age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Works steady
4. Doesn't nod off while I'm emoting
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on weekends

Advice to Men

ADVICE TO MEN ABOUT WHAT WOMEN WANT

Nowadays it seems like they want....other women. No, uhh....some women want zero from a man, and others want lots of zeros from a man. Let's see, the myth is that women want Brad Pitt in the bedroom, Brad Pitt in the kitchen, Brad Pitt around the house, Brad Pitt during a game, Brad Pitt when they're sick, Brad Pitt in conversation, the body of Brad Pitt in 'Legends of the Fall' combined with the voice of Brad Pitt, and to top it all off the IQ of Fabio on two bottles of NyQuil.

Another myth is that a woman must be married by a certain age or she'll never find stability. Hey, I've got news for you, ladies: looking to men for stability is like going to Crispin Glover for psychoanalysis, all right?

And yet a third myth is that men think that women like guys who are dangerous. As a result, guys will often smoke cigarettes, drink too much, and ride a motorcycle without a helmet. Women don't like guys who are dangerous. Women want us to think that because women are trying to kill us.

Now I'll be the first to admit that men's advice on women is about as reliable as an M-16 in the mud, but this is what I kinda sorta, maybe think women want from men.

ONE- Foreplay is not a privilege; it is a birthright.

TWO- If you take her out to a fancy restaurant, don't try to subtly steer her away from the lobster, Diamond Jim.

THREE- Quit blowing smoke up women's asses about the sanctity and power they possess as lifegivers and come up with some decent affordable child care. That way, maybe poor single mothers can go to work and get off welfare and we won't have to listen to any more assholes in Congress blathering about orphanages.

FOUR- Equal work for equal pay. Look around you at work, guys. Look at...say Carl, the brain-dead jagoff in the cubicle next to you. You could kill Carl, couldn't you, because he's a slacking, worthless, toady idiot. Now imagine making 30 percent less than Carl. Hellooo....

FIVE- This is very important: During lovemaking: Don't ask, "Who's your daddy?" Even as a joke. All right? It's not funny.

SIX- When her mouth moves, pay attention, words could be coming out. Words are kind of important.

SEVEN- Pass a law that makes it compulsory for all over-the-hill rock stars to have women their own age in their videos.

EIGHT- Don't ask her if she came. You're a big boy now, Clouseau, you should know if she came.

NINE- Don't tell her how to merge and she won't tell you to ask for directions.

TEN- When she catches you cheating on her and cuts off your dick in your sleep, take it like a man.

So, guys, at the end of the what women want is this: equal pay, fair treatment, respect, patience, sensitivity, passion and a genuine effort at understanding who they really are. Or if that's too much to ask, how about a big diamond the size of your head?

Actual Excerpts From Classified Sections of Newspapers

• Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
• Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
• Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
• Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
• 3 year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
• Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
• Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting off head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
• Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
• For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
• Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
• Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
• We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

A Cowboy's Guide to Life

• Never squat with yer spurs on.
• There are two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.
• Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
• If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
• If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
• Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
• It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
• Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
• Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.
• Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment.
• Always drink upstream from the herd.
• Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
• If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
• When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
• When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
• Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
• Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
• The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
• Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Stupid Tricks for Points

Betcha can't score more than 15 points by the end of the day!

One-Point Gags

• Ignore the first five people who say 'Good morning' to you.
• In the middle of a meeting, suddenly shout out "Yahtzee!"
• Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
• Run one lap around the office at top speed.
• To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
• Walk sideways to the photocopier.
• When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
• While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

Three-Point Gags

• Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it."
• Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle. (There must be a 'non-player' within sight).
• Page yourself over the intercom. (Do not disguise your voice).
• Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
• Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

Five-Point Gags

• Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, "Ya wanna trade?"
• Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."
• At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem. (Extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
• Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
• For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.
• While talking to a colleague, pick your nose.
• Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
• In a colleagues diary, write in 10:00 am "See how I look in tights."
• While an office colleague is out, move their chair into the elevator.
• In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"
• Tuck one pant leg into your sock and, when queried, answer "Not now" and walk away.
• Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

Useful Work Phrases

• Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
• The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
• I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
• Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
• I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
• I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
• I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
• I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
• It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
• How about never? Is never good for you?
• I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
• I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
• I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
• I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
• Who me? I just wander from room to room.
• It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
• At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
• You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
• I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
• Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

You Might Be A Physics Major ...

• if you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.
• if you enjoy pain.
• if you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
• if you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."
• if you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.
• if when you look in a mirror, you see a physics major.
• if it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
• if you always do homework on Friday nights.
• if you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
• if you think in "math."
• if you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.
• if you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function.
• if you have a pet named after a scientist.
• if you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
• if you can translate English into Binary.
• if you can't remember what's behind the door in the science building which says "Exit."
• if you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab.
• if you avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.
• if you consider ANY non-science course "easy."
• if when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.
• if the "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.
• if you'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.
• if you understood more than five of these indicators.
• if you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.

The Laws Of Golfing

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water. (See Law three)

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.

Oxymorons

 

An Oxymoron is a figure of speech that puts together two contradictory terms. Even the word "oxymoron" is itself one, because it comes from combining the Greek words for "sharp" (oxy) and "dull" (moros). Check out the list below to find some rediculous word pairings often found in common speech.

Act naturally                                      
Advanced BASIC
Almost exactly
Alone together
American English
Authentic replica
Awfully good

Bad luck
Baked Alaska
Bittersweet
Black light
Blank expression
Business ethics
Butthead

California expressway
Cardinal sin
Christian Scientist
Civil war
Classic novel
Classically modern
Clearly confused
Cold comfort
Communist leader
Conspicuous absence
Constant change
Cowardly lion
Criminal justice

Deafening silence
Death benefits
Definite maybe
Deliberate thoughtlessness
Down escalator
Dry wine
Dynamic equilibrium

Eloquent silence
European Community
Evaporated milk
Even odds
Exact estimate
Extensive briefing
Extinct life
Eyes Wide Shut

Fairly dark
Famous Belgians
Feminine logic
Forgotten memories
Found missing
Free love
Freezer burn
Fresh-frozen
Friendly fire
Front end
Fun run
Fuzzy logic

Genuine imitation
Good grief
Government organization
Government service
Great Britain
Great Depression
Guest host

Hell's Angels
Highly underestimated
Holy war
Homeless shelter
Hopelessly optimistic

Idiot savant
Ill health
Include me out
Industrial park
Instant classic
Intense apathy

Job security
Jumbo shrimp

Least favorite
Light heavyweight
Liquid gas
Little giant
Live recording
Living dead
Loosely packed
Loose tights

Make haste slowly
Managed competition
Microsoft Works
Mild abrasive
Mild enthusiasm
Military intelligence
Minor crisis
Modern history

Natural additives
Noble savage
Non-alcoholic beer
Non-working mother
Normal deviation
Nothing much
Numb feeling

Oddly appropriate
Old news
Only choice
Open secret
Original copy

Paid volunteer
Paperless ofice
Passive aggression
Peace force
Peace offensive
Peacekeeper missile
Plastic wood
Positively cynical
Press release
Pretty ugly
Pronounced silence

Random order
Rap music
Real potential
Recorded live
Resident alien
Rock opera
Rolling stop

Safe sex
Safety hazard
Same difference
Second best
Serious fun
Short distance
Silent scream
Simply confusing
Skinny broad
Socialist market economy
Soft rock
Spendthrift
Standard deviation
Stand down
Still life
Still moving
Strangely familiar
Sure bet
Sweet sorrow

Taped live
Terribly pleased
Tight slacks
True Lies
True story

Unacceptable solution
Unbiased opinion
Uncrowned king
United Nations
Unsung hero

Vaguely aware
Virtual Reality
Voluntary Compliance

War games
Wholesome
Working vacation

Identifying wasted time

TO: ALL PERSONNEL

FROM: ACCOUNTING 

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in
timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code

5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your
unproductive time. 

Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based
on our observations of employee activities. 

The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you
are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list
immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter. 

Thank you,

Accounting

Attached: Extended Job-Code List

Code and Explanation

5316 Useless Meeting

5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting

5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting

5319 Waiting for Break

5320 Waiting for Lunch

5321 Waiting for End of Day

5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker

5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not
Present

5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend

5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning

5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid

5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You

5481 Buying Snack

5482 Eating Snack

5500 Filling Out Timesheet

5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries

5502 Waiting for Something to Happen

5503 Scratching Yourself

5504 Sleeping

5510 Feeling Bored

5511 Feeling Horny

5600 Complaining About Lousy Job

5601 Complaining About Low Pay

5602 Complaining About Long Hours

5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)

5604 Complaining About Boss

5605 Complaining About Personal Problems

5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining

5701 Not Actually Present At Job

5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu

6102 Ordering Out

6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive

6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food

6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit

6201 Stealing Company Goods

6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods

6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls

6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen

Company Goods

6205 Hiding from Boss

6206 Gossip

6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)

6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself

6211 Updating Resume

6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter

6213 Out of Office on Interview

6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching

6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job

6223 Pretending You Like Coworker

6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks

6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing

6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl

6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)

6602 Complaining

6603 Writing a Book on Company Time

6611 Staring Into Space

6612 Staring At Computer Screen

6615 Transcendental Meditation

7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)

7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone

7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone

7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone

7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone

7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone

7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone

7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone

7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone

7425 Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone

7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity

8000 Recreational Drug Use

8001 Non-recreational Drug Use

8002 Liquid Lunch

8100 Reading e-mail

The Bosses' Itinerary

To ensure that you have a good time on your trip to Australia, your team members have planned and developed a special itinerary to fill the time during your leisure hours. 

Agenda follows: 

Day 1: The "10 Deadliest Snakes" Fall Tour. 

You and a guest will be escorted through the outback and provided with the opportunity to handle and examine each of the world's 10 most deadly snakes. 

Day 2: The "Great White Encounter". 

You and your tour guide will take a small boat to the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be able to dive into the chum-laden water and experience the beauty of theGreat White shark. 

Day 3: The Aboriginal "Festival of Spears". 

You will be the honored guest of a small aboriginal village as they celebrate the subjugation of the aboriginal race by the white man, with free liquor and a specialweapons exhibition. 

Day 4: The "Crocodile Dundee" Petting Zoo. 

You will be able to come up-close and personal with the occasionally harmless salt-water crocodiles of the Australian coast. Lucky audience members are asked to participate in a croc wrestling exhibition.

Day 5: "Those Marvelous Morays". 

This tour will once again return you to the beauty of the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be allowed to hand feed special finger-shaped sausages to the wild eels of StubbyHand Reef. We hope you will enjoy your trip!Your loyal employees.

Useful Work Phrases

1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 

2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 

3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 

4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 

5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care. 

6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 

7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? 

8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 

9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 

10. Ahhh, I see the f**k-up fairy has visited us again. 

11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 

12. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. 

13. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. 

14. No, my powers can only be used for good. 

15. How about never? Is never good for you? 

16. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. 

17. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication. 

18. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 

19. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. 

20. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 

21. Who me? I just wander from room to room. 

22. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys! 

23. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy. 

24. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits. 

25. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 

26. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 

27. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

The Top 14 Tips Donald Trump Has for His New Apprentice

14. "Trust me. Even if you look like a bloated troll, chicks dig billionaires."

13. "Don't be fooled by his naked antics -- Richard Hatch over in Marketing is up to no good."

12. "Keep your hands off Carolyn, but George, well, that's another story."

11. "Secret code phrase to utter if you ever notice my fly down during a board meeting: 'Sir, are you ready for your PowerPoint presentation?'"

10. "Lowe's has better prices on shellac than Home Depot."

9. "Wait until the bankers leave the room before starting your victory macarena."

8. "You're fired! Ha, ha, ha. No, really. You're fired, too!"

7. "Don't bother giving other drivers the finger when you get cut off. Have your chauffeur do it."

6. "You're never too young for a comb-over."

5. "Never, EVER schedule me for an interview with Barbara Walters. I am not now, nor do I ever intend to be, 'Mista Twump.'"

4. "Never blur the line between servility and civility."

3. "Plant your corn early. Yeah, I never understood that one either when I was growing up."

2. "After a long, *successful* day with the boss, only the *medicated* Chapstick will do."

1. "If you think the selection process compromised your integrity, wait until you're actually WORKING for me."