Showing posts with label instruction. Show all posts

Sunday, August 11, 2013

ARE THE MAN'S ALWAYS RIGHT ???

More Male Bashing

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.

What's the difference between a man and a lawnmower?
Lawnmowers don't bitch after they cut the yard.

How do you keep a man from attacking you?
Throw him the remote control.

What one thing can always get a man out of your life?
A hunting licence.

What's a man's idea of a romantic evening?
A candlelit football stadium.

What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?
A sex-change operation.

Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.

Why do men talk so dirty?
So they can wash their mouth out with beer.

Why did God create man?
She didn't. Her husband did.

How do you confuse a man?
Tell him to start a knock-knock joke.

Why do men do odd jobs around the house?
If they do, it's odd!

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.

What's foreplay when you are married?
20 minutes of begging and pleading.

Male/Female Phrases

Haven't I seen you before? Nice ass.

I'm a Romantic. "I'm poor.

I need you. My hand is tired.

I want a commitment. I'm sick of masturbation.

You're the only man I've ever cared about. You are the only man who hasn't rejected me.

I really want to get to know you better. So I can tell my friends about it.

It's just orange juice, try it. 3 more shots, and she'll have her legs wrapped around my head.

She's kinda cute. I want to have sex with her till my dick turns blue!

He's not my type. He won't sleep with me.

I miss you so much. I am so horny that my dog is starting to look good.

I had a wonderful time last night. Who the hell are you?

Do you love me? I've done something stupid and you might find out.

Do you 'really' love me? I've done something stupid and you're going to find out.

I'll give you a call. I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.

I've been thinking a lot. You're not as attractive as when I was drunk.

I think we should just be friends. You're ugly.

I've learned a lot from you. Next!

What Men Really Mean

"I'm going fishing." Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"It's a guy thing." Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain." Really means..."I have no idea how it works.

"We're going to be late." Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." Really means...."I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear." Really means...."Are you still talking?"

"It's a really good movie." Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."

"That's women's work." Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is." Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it." Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?" Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"

"I heard you." Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else." Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific." Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework." Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

Women's Compact Instruction Book

Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.

Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.

Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.

Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be let out alone.

The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy drinks. (Personally I think the dancing is debatable on most men).

Never sleep with a man who's named his willy.

Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.

Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If you want a committed man look in a mental hospital.

The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions.

If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.

A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, 'oh alright, I'll stay the night".

Women sleep with men, who if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.

Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

If he asks you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.

Sadly, all men are created equal.

When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar".

The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate to the exalted status of a 'former boyfriend".

There are two significant influences in a man's life and they are both his mother.

There are a lot of words that you can use to describe - strong, caring, loving - they'd be wrong - but you could still use them.

What I Want In A Man

What I Want In A Man, Original List... (at age 22)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover

What I Want In A Man, Revised List... (at age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Works steady
4. Doesn't nod off while I'm emoting
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on weekends

Advice to Men

ADVICE TO MEN ABOUT WHAT WOMEN WANT

Nowadays it seems like they want....other women. No, uhh....some women want zero from a man, and others want lots of zeros from a man. Let's see, the myth is that women want Brad Pitt in the bedroom, Brad Pitt in the kitchen, Brad Pitt around the house, Brad Pitt during a game, Brad Pitt when they're sick, Brad Pitt in conversation, the body of Brad Pitt in 'Legends of the Fall' combined with the voice of Brad Pitt, and to top it all off the IQ of Fabio on two bottles of NyQuil.

Another myth is that a woman must be married by a certain age or she'll never find stability. Hey, I've got news for you, ladies: looking to men for stability is like going to Crispin Glover for psychoanalysis, all right?

And yet a third myth is that men think that women like guys who are dangerous. As a result, guys will often smoke cigarettes, drink too much, and ride a motorcycle without a helmet. Women don't like guys who are dangerous. Women want us to think that because women are trying to kill us.

Now I'll be the first to admit that men's advice on women is about as reliable as an M-16 in the mud, but this is what I kinda sorta, maybe think women want from men.

ONE- Foreplay is not a privilege; it is a birthright.

TWO- If you take her out to a fancy restaurant, don't try to subtly steer her away from the lobster, Diamond Jim.

THREE- Quit blowing smoke up women's asses about the sanctity and power they possess as lifegivers and come up with some decent affordable child care. That way, maybe poor single mothers can go to work and get off welfare and we won't have to listen to any more assholes in Congress blathering about orphanages.

FOUR- Equal work for equal pay. Look around you at work, guys. Look at...say Carl, the brain-dead jagoff in the cubicle next to you. You could kill Carl, couldn't you, because he's a slacking, worthless, toady idiot. Now imagine making 30 percent less than Carl. Hellooo....

FIVE- This is very important: During lovemaking: Don't ask, "Who's your daddy?" Even as a joke. All right? It's not funny.

SIX- When her mouth moves, pay attention, words could be coming out. Words are kind of important.

SEVEN- Pass a law that makes it compulsory for all over-the-hill rock stars to have women their own age in their videos.

EIGHT- Don't ask her if she came. You're a big boy now, Clouseau, you should know if she came.

NINE- Don't tell her how to merge and she won't tell you to ask for directions.

TEN- When she catches you cheating on her and cuts off your dick in your sleep, take it like a man.

So, guys, at the end of the what women want is this: equal pay, fair treatment, respect, patience, sensitivity, passion and a genuine effort at understanding who they really are. Or if that's too much to ask, how about a big diamond the size of your head?

Thursday, July 18, 2013

FOR EVERYBODY SOMETHING ....

A Few Philisophical Statements...

Always take the time to smell the roses... and sooner or later you'll inhale a bee.

If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek... nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

If genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration, I must be sharing elevators with a lot of bright people.

It's always darkest just before dawn...so if you're gonna steal the neighbors' newspaper, that's the time to do it.

It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown... and fewer still to ignore someone completely.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked up into jet engines.

I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on someone else.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

My father always said laughter is the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us ended up dying of tuberculosis.

It takes a big man to cry.. .but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

When I'm feeling down I like to whistle... it makes my neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

A Girl Named Happy Butt

It was this little girl's first day of school and the teacher asked her what her name was and she replied, "Happy Butt."

The teacher said, "Honey I don't think that's your name you need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out."
So she went to the principal's office and he asked, "What's your name?" And the little girl said, "Happy Butt."
The principal called the girl's mother to get this straightened out once and for all. After getting off the phone he looked at the little girl and said, "Honey, your name's is Gladys, not Happy Butt."
The girl then exclaimed, "Glad Ass - Happy Butt... what's the difference?"

Actual Instruction Labels...

ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.
ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
Fits one head.
ON TESCO''S TIRAMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.
ON BOOTS CHILDRENS'' COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
ON NY TOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.
ON SAINSBURY''S PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts.
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

Airline A-Hole

During a busy pre-Christmas day at Sydney airport, a crowded flight was cancelled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He SCREAMED, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have ANY idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.
"May I have your attention, please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17."
With the people behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the airline agent, gritted his teeth, and swore, "Screw you."
Without flinching, she smiled and replied, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

An Old Fart

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems O.K. but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again, she seems O.K. but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

And God Created A Sleeping Man

A couple went to church every week, but every week without fail the husband would fall asleep during the sermon. The wife, being embarrassed by her husband's loud snoring, decided to bring a needle to the next service and poke him when he nodded off. The next week when they were in church the husband, as always, fell asleep.
"Who created the Earth in 6 days and rested on the 7th?" The wife stuck her husband with the needle and he jumped up and exclaimed, "Oh my God!" The preacher said, "That's correct." And the husband sat down mumbling to himself. He soon fell asleep again.
The preacher got to the question "Who died on the cross to save us from eternal damnation?" The wife stuck her husband again and he jumped up and exclaimed, "Jesus Christ!" And the preacher said, "Right again." With this, the husband fell suspicious of his wife and decided to catch her in the act. The husband pretended to fall asleep while keeping an eye on his wife.
"What did Mary say to Joseph after Jesus was born?" the preacher asked. The wife started to poke her husband again, but before she could the husband jumped up and exclaimed, "If you stick that damn thing in me again, I'm going to break it in half!"

Atlanta School Board

The Atlanta School Board, feeling left out by the fuss over "Ebonics," has decided to designate Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as alanguage to be taught in all Southern schools. Here are excerpts from theHickphonics/English dictionary:

HEIDI -- noun. Greeting.
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: "Heidi. Hire yew."
BARD -- verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH -- noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Hot-lanta.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
MUNTS -- noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."
IGNERT -- adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH -- noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL -- noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR -- noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."
BAHS -- noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work (or studying), your bahs is gonna far you!"
TAR -- noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE -- noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD -- Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
TARRED -- adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."
FAT -- noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat.
ARE -- pronoun. Possessive case of we used as a predicate adjective.
RATS -- noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
FARN -- adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed... must be from some farn country."
DID -- adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."
EAR -- noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He cain't breath ... give 'im some ear!"
BOB WAR -- noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JEW HERE -- Noun and verb contraction.
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"
HAZE -- a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah... haze ignert."
SEED -- verb, past tense.
VIEW -- contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City... view?"
HEAVY DEW -- phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"
GUMMIT -- noun. A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Them gummit boys shore are ignert."

Bad Car Day

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition.

"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asked.
The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked, "Are we over the border yet?"

Bad Dog, Put Fluffy Back

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, 'Did you hear that Fluffy died?' The guy stammers and says, 'Um...no...um...what happened?'. The neighbor replies, 'We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!'

Saturday, November 3, 2012

What I want in a man!

What I want in a man, Original List (age 22)

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates the finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I want in a man, Revised list (age 32)

1. Nice looking - preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at a restaurant
4. Listens more than he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry in all groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I want in a man, Revised list (age 42)

1. Not too ugly - bald head okay
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on most weekends

What I want in a man, Revised list (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm talking
5. Doesn't re-tell same jokes too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends

What I want in a man, Revised list (age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Forgets why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10.Remembers when...

What I want in a man, Revised list (age 72)

1. Breathing--

The 50's Woman

The following is from an actual 1950's Home Economics textbook intended for High School girls, teaching them how to prepare for married life:

1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

3. Clear away clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.

4. Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.

6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.

7. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lay down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.

10. The Goal: try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.

Women's Little Instruction Book

"A Women's Little Instruction Book"

1. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're
aiming too high.

2. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you're sick of him.

4. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.

5. A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.

6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one -- they try harder.

7. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.

8. A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is
unquestionably gay.

9. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

10. Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the bath to pee.

11. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will
usually find that he is.

12. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men -- a woman.

13. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -- strong, caring, loving -- they'd be wrong but you could still use them.

14. Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and potentially violent
-- but they make great pets.

15. Men's brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per
man.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Lifes Reflections

1. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

2. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
3. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
4. Ever notice that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
5. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
6. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
7. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

8. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

10 Ways to tell your internet connection is slow.

1. Text on Web pages displays as Morse Code

2. Graphics arrive via FedEx

3. You believe a heavier string might improve your connection

4. You post a message to your favorite newsgroup and it displays a week later

5. Your credit card expires while ordering online

6. ESPN Web site exhibits "Heisman Trophy Winner" ...for 1989

7. You're still in the middle of downloading that popular new game, "PacMan"

8. Everyone you talk to on the 'net phone' sounds like Forrest Gump

9. You receive e-mails with stamps on them

10. When you click the "Send" button, a little door opens
on the side of your monitor and a pigeon flies out.

Black belt degrees

Requirements for 11th Degree Black Belt

Master of Judo

Well before testing for this rank any experienced Judo teacher should have already learned these basic techniques:

Escape from Dojo

The quick exit to avoid clean up and helping with the mats.

Sleeper Stance

Standing at the corner of the dojo pretending to be observing the students as they sweat with exhaustion.

Sigh of Wisdom

Sudden, forceful exhalation when a beginning student unexpectedly survives a dangerous body slam without injury.

Crossing Fingers

A hopeful posture used when uke has been choked unconscious.

Gift of Instruction

The act of taking credit whenever a student wins a tournament or performs a technique correctly.

Seeing Without Seeing

The dazed look of amazement given to the student who asks a stupid question.

Kuchi Waza (mouth technique)

Using an hour of class time to answer the stupid question while students sit on their knees in seiza.

Mugger's Defense

Offering to lighten the student's wallet to reduce the risk of confrontation.

Sensei's Downfall

Failing to ask for enough money to keep the dojo open.

Further requirements:

Must be able to walk on water (while it is in liquid form).

Must be able to disable a man using only a Kleenex tissue as a weapon.

Must be able to make up meaningless Zen koans on the spot.

Must be able to catch a fly with chopsticks.

Must be able to defeat multiple masked ninja movie warriors after they disclose their evil plans to you and leave you to die in an easily escapable situation.

Must be able to voice over a Godzilla movie properly (i.e. coordination between the movement of the lips and the voice).

Must be able to take a bullet (not in the chest of course but maybe in the foot or something).

Must be able to make your own nuclear device with a piece of bubble gum, a pencil, some coconuts, and an alarm clock.

Must be able to change into a judogi in a phone booth at any given moment.

Must be able to sing Karaoke.

Must be able to use nature to your advantage (e.g. sick a dog on the enemy, throw stones at him, climb a tree and hide...)

Must be able to fight blindfolded and win (against blind competitors of course).

Must have completed a course in "Basic Samurai Sushi".

Must be able to choreograph street fights for Jackie Chan movies.

Must be able to use an opponent's skill as a reason for defeat.

Must be able to keep all bleeding internal.

Must be able to trim an entire forest into a bonsai garden in 25 minutes or less.

Note:

Laughing at any time will disqualify the potential 11th dan. If a member of the Senior Board of Examiners makes a comment and then waits expectantly, it may be an indication that he has just made a joke. A half-smile may be tried at this time, but in no other instance.

Monday, June 18, 2012