IT IS ALWAYS ABOUT MANS

Dumb Men Jokes

1. What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women.

2. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. . . . . men will screw anything.

3. How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.

4. Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

5. What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.

6. How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
He's breathing.

7. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.

8. What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the the neck up.

9. How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?

10. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
No one knows . . . . . . It's never been done.

11. How are men and parking spaces alike?
The good ones are already taken and the ones left are handicapped.

12. What is a man's idea of helping you with housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

13. What is the difference between men and E.T.?
E.T. called home.

14. What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.

15. Do you know why there's a hole in a man's penis?
So he can get air to his brain.

16. How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

17. How is a man like linoleum?
If you lay him right the first time, you can walk all over him for the next twenty years.

Why Some Men Prefer Dating Bimbo's

10. Much easier to prove that you're superior.

9. Less likely to interrupt you with thoughts or opinions of their own.

8. Won't want you to cancel your plans to watch nude Jell-O wrestling to go see "Phantom of the Opera."

7. More impressed by the thickness of your wallet--even though it's stuffed with condoms instead of money.

6. Will let you send intimate pictures of them to Beaver Hunt.

5. They won't object to demeaning comments you make about them in front of 'the guys.'

4. They actually believe you when you say, "I love you for your mind and personality -- now please finish putting on that French maid outfit.

3. Don't understand computers well enough to access your files and read what you've been saying about them.

2. Their ability to comprehend spatial relationships is so poor that they really do believe your definition of eight inches.

1. They will put up with you.

Tough Questions for Men

Here are answers to 5 of the toughest questions women ask men.

1 - "What are you thinking?"

2 - "Do you love me?"

3 - "Do I look fat?"

4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"

5 - "What would you do if I died?"


What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:

1 - "What are you thinking?"
The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you."

Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a - Baseball
b - Football
c - How fat you are
d - How much prettier she is than you
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."

The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:

2 - "Do you love me?"
The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear."

Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?


3 - "Do I look fat?"
The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room.

Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.


4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?"
The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier."

Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.


5 - "What would you do if I died?"
Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way."
This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid exchange:

"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"

"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"

"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.

"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.

"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.

"Of course I do, dear" he said.

"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."

"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.

"Yes" said the husband.

"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.

"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.

"I see," said the wife indignantly.

"And would you let her wear my old clothes?"

"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.

"Really," said the wife icily.

"And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"

"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."

"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet.

"And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."

"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed..."

Stupid Men Jokes

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds Mature.

What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.

Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?

Why do men want to mary virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

I went to the County Fair. They had one of those "Believe it or not?" Shows. They had a man born with a penis and a brain.

What do you have whan you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.

What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1.No mind.
2.No business.

How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.

Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover?
He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal.

Why are men like laxatives?
They irritate the shit out of you.

What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.

Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.

If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in convienience stores and drive through windows.

Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.

Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.

Why do men like masturbation?
It's sex with someone they love.

How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
Two ways to cross a river.

What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.

Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?

What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.

What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.

How do men sort their laundry?
"Fifthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.

Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Two guys were strolling down the street when one guy exclaimed, "how sad - a dead bird." The other man looked up and said, "where?"

Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom?
To keep the swellin down.

WE LOVE JOKES ABOUT MANS AND WOMANS

Sorry folks few nice days,back with very nice post

 How To Ask A Man To Do Something

Always remember these five important rules when asking a man to do something:
1. Make sure the man is conscious.
1a. Then give him a Blow Job
2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.
3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three, or four hours, max.
3b. Then ... give him a Blow Job
4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. A blow job will usually do just fine. Or, offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.
5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes. Or, threaten to not give him a blow job.
6. Use would you or will you instead of you'd better or do as I say and no one will get hurt.
7. When all else fails ... Blow Job.
OK, seven rules.

Man's Sex Life

It seems that when the Lord was making the world, he called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was horrified.

"Only twenty years of normal sex life?" but the Lord was very adamant, that was all man could have.

Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. "But I don't need twenty years", he protested, "ten is plenty for me."

Man spoke up eagerly, "Can I have the other ten?" The monkey graciously agreed.

Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the monkey wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up, "Can I have the other ten?" The lion said of course he could.

Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years-but like the others,ten was sufficient-and again man pleaded, "Can I have the other ten?" The donkey said yes he could.

This explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it, and ten years of making an ass of himself.

Men's Rules

Finally, the guys' side of the story.

We always hear "the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!


1. Men ARE NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
 

You Can't Send Women To The Hardware Store

This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store....

Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so hesent his wife Mary Louise to the hardware store.

At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelfwhile she was waiting for Joe Bob, the manager, to finish waiting on acustomer.

When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot.Joe Bob replied, That's silver and it costs $100!

My goodness, that sure is a lotta money! Mary Louise exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her tobuy, and Joe Bob went to the backroom to find it.

From the backroom Joe Bob yelled, Mary Louise, you wanna screw forthat hinge?

To which Mary Louise replied, No, but I will for the teapot.

The Top 13 Things Overheard at the Women-Running-the-World Conference


13> "Israel agrees to the Palestinian proposal under one condition: We simply *must* have that hummus recipe! It's divine!"

12> "She may think her pyramids are holding up like they used to, but 'denial' ain't just a river in... well, you know."

11> "Hey! How'd that guy get in here? Oops! Sorry, Bulgaria."

10> "Well *of course* the United States says it will still respect you in the morning."

9> "Who does Iraq think she's kidding? Those WMDs are *so* fake."

8> "Bosnia, honey, drop the 'Herzegovina.' Hyphenated names are *soooo* 1995!"

7> "Can I borrow a nationful of oil?"

6> "No, they weren't an imminent threat. We declared war on them because their president was wearing the same dress I had on at the G-8 Summit."

5> "Listen Miss 'I'm-the-Only-Remaining-Superpower,' just remember that we knew you back when you were a lowly Brit stepchild with buck teeth."

4> "Would someone please get a bicycle for my fish?"

3> "All right, Arabs? Jews? Over here! We're all going to sit down with Dr. Phil and work this thing out!"

2> "By a unanimous vote, the 'Share the Pain' measure to stretch male anuses to 10 cm during childbirth is hereby passed."

1> "These summits are all the same: Solve the world's problems before lunch, then spend the rest of the day trying to divide the check."

Language Differences

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
 

40-ish	49
Adventurous	Slept with everyone
Athletic	No tits
Average  looking	Ugly
Beautiful	Pathological liar
Contagious  Smile	Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure	On medication
Feminist	Fat
Free  spirit	Junkie
Friendship  first	Former slut
Fun	Annoying
New-Age	Body  hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned	No BJs
Open-minded	Desperate
Outgoing	Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate	Sloppy drunk
Professional	Bitch
Voluptuous	Very Fat
Large  frame	Hugely Fat
Wants Soul  mate	Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe =  No
4. We  need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead =  You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset =  Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're  certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am  hungry
2. I  am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you =  Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with  you!
8. Can I  call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you!
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd  like to have sex with you!
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you!
11. I don't think those shoes  go with that outfit = I'm gay! 

The Top 16 Things That Can Get a Gal Banned From the Women's Union

16> "Okay, I admit it: More than six cats may be a bit excessive."

15> You've had the faces of Moe and Larry tattooed on each breast -- and if a guy asks nicely, you'll show him where Curly resides.

14> You regularly clean your ears out with a screwdriver.

13> You put out a nice gingham tablecloth, then gut a freshly killed deer on it.

12> Although you'd never do the old pull-my-finger gag, you love to play "squeeze my boob" with similar sound effects.

11> Purchasing any greeting card featuring a chimp and a bikini.

10> The whoopee cushion seemed like a good idea when you brought it into the meeting.

9> You're already planning on lining up for tickets to the "Matrix" sequel.

8> Instead of brushing your teeth on a Saturday morning, you use leftover beer as a mouthwash.

7> Proposing that you take over as local precinct leader, then wussing out on the requisite knife fight to the death on the union hall roof.

6> "Whoa! How about a courtesy flush over there, Diane?!?"

5> You delay the decision to take your mom off life support until after the World Series.

4> "Doing your nails" requires an air compressor and a power sander.

3> Neglecting to pass on e-mails that are clearly marked: "Cute!! LOL!! Pass this on!"

2> The stack of "Maxim" magazines piled on your toilet tank is paperweighted by a tub of petroleum jelly.

1> You loudly proclaim that if "Dumb and Dumber" isn't the best movie of all time, you'll give up chewing tobacco.

Types of men...

Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass

Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle

Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams

The Sneak - "Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life

Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused

The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but..."
Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"

Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction

Types of women...

Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh, darling, you shouldn't have!"
Also known as: Whattagal, Precious, one of the boys, My Main Squeeze, Doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday

Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans

Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite."
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious

The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, Yes Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
Also known as: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Goodtime Charleena, Passed Out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at."
Also known as: No Fun, Humorless Prig, Cold fish, Chilly Proposition, Iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends

Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship."
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud

Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now!"
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you

What Gender Are They?

ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.

TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it ... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL - female ! .... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives men pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

The Top 10 Tips for Temporary Bachelors

When Mom and the kids go off for a few days and leave Dad behind to struggle on his own, it can be a painful thing for him to deal with. With that in mind, we thought we'd offer some help...


10> Don't use the guest towels to mop up after your 36-hour porn-a-thon.

9> It's not worth the water conserved to shower with the dirty dishes.

8> Scrape frost from freezer for instant shaved-ice party drinks.

7> Don't rebuild your transmission in the dining room; use the bathroom.

6> Maintain a healthy diet; make sure your hefeweizen has a lemon slice.

5> Socks first, *then* shoes.

4> Jim Crow still rules the laundry room: separate the whites from the coloreds.

3> Despite the efficiency potential, Dawn and Ragu cannot be combined to make "self-cleaning spaghetti."

2> Never wash the youngest's clothes, because there is no one to hand them down to after you shrink them.

1> Check your wife's underwear drawer; if it's empty, she's not coming back.

This Is Why Women Don't Work For the CIA

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists
... two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!

"The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your Wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.. "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.

Men are Like...

Men are like ....... Laxatives ...... They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like ........ Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like ........ Vacations ..... They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like ........ Weather ...... Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like ........ Blenders ...... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like ........ Chocolate Bars ..... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like ........ Coffee ...... The best ones are rich, warm, & can keep you up all night long.

Men are like ........ Commercials ..... You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like ........ Department Stores ...... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

Men are like ........ Government Bonds ...... They take soooooooo long to mature.

Men are like ........ Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like ........ Popcorn ...... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like ........ Snowstorms ..... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

Men are like ........ Lava Lamps ..... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like ........ Parking Spots ..... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped

The Top 15 Euphemisms for "Getting Your Period"

15> Miss Scarlett's Come Home to Tara

14> Trolling for Vampires

13> A Dishonorable Discharge from the Uterine Navy

12> Saddling Old Rusty

11> Feelin' Menstru-riffic!

10> Clean-Up in Aisle One

9> Massacre at the Y

8> T-Minus 9 Months and Holding

7> Game Day for the Crimson Tide

6> Panty Shields Up, Captain!

5> Taking Carrie to the Prom

4> Playing Banjo in Sgt. Zygote's Ragtime Band

3> Ordering l'Omelette Rouge

2> Arts and Crafts Week at Panty Camp

1> Rebooting the Ovarian Operating System

Haircuts -- The difference between men and women

Women's version:
---------------------------
Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

New Courses for Men

Class size is limited to 10 as course material may prove difficult.

Agenda
1. Combating Stupidity
2. You Too Can Do Housework
3. P.M.S. Learning To Keep Your Mouth Shut
4. How To Fill An Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas - Give Us $$$$$
6. Understanding The Female Responses To Your Coming In Drunk at 4am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques - (Formally Called "Don't Wash My Silks")
8. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
9. You - The Weaker Sex
10. Reasons To Give Flowers
11. Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself Anywhere But The Bathroom
12. How To Stay Awake After Sex
13. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb
14. Sex 101 - You Can Fall Asleep Without It, If You Really Try Sex 102 - The Morning Dilemma - If It's "Awake", Take A Cold Shower
15. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous
16. How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
17. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate And Not Get Lost
18. The Remote Control - Overcome Your Dependency
19. Helpful Postural Hints For Couch Potatoes
20. How Not To Get Younger Than Your Children
21. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
22. Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson - Especially When Naked
23. Changing Your Underwear - It Really Works
24. The Attainable Goal - Omitting @#$% From Your Vocabulary
25. Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
26. Real Men Ask For Directions

A COPY OF THE ABOVE ENDED UP IN OUR LOCAL SHERIFF'S HANDS SO HE DECIDED TO HELP UPDATE THESE COURSES....

While I certainly can't dispute some of the coursework you've listed in such a cavalier fashion, you forgot to show some of the classes that males take great pride in.

They are:

1. Eating Straight Out of the Can . . . an environmentalist approach
2. Flatulence As An Art Form
3. If It's There, Why Can't I Touch It? The key to understanding women
4. Duct Tape - 101
5. Duct Tape - Advanced - The Magic Silver Strip
6. It's Mine...I Can Scratch It...Assertiveness training
7. Cooking for Fun and Sex
8. Beer Gargling ... Prerequisite is Chemistry 101
9. How To Make Your Woman Really Hot (blow your nose on her curtains)
10. Cussing to Make Your Point (Sub. for Speech 101, Asshole)
11. Cooties - How to Check Girls for Them
12. How To Order at a Fancy Restaurant
13. How To Slip Out Without Paying At A Fancy Restaurant
14. How To Have Great Sex
15. How To Have Great Sex With A Partner

(Advanced Only) Dr.Suite, CEO of the PyBRUs Chapter "Men can be amusing, really" offers courses for women who want to better understand their men. Courses are limited to 50 per class (this curriculum is usually easily assimilated by the female gender).

The Male Prime Directives

* On car trips with the family, never ask for directions when you're lost... Just keep driving aimlessly around, searching for the mysterious Lost Street of the Damned. Navigate by the seat of your pants like the great Lewis and Clark explorers of old.

* But it's okay to stop for directions when driving with another guy: because he won't sit patiently as you pass the same McDonald's for the third time.

* Inch forward at stoplights to keep up with the guys in the cars on both sides.: It's all about who's out in front.

* Even if you don't know a hub cap from a distributor cap, never admit you're a stranger to the male domain of auto mechanics.... If your car won't run and you're at a loss for words, try "Could be a cracked ring. Have you checked the compression?"

* A real man doesn't need the instruction sheet to figure out something as simple as programming his new VCR: but to cook something as simple as oatmeal, a guy will follow the recipe with the exactitude of a chemical engineer.

* Don't confess that you know little, and could care less, about a particular sport, especially if it's during the finals.... "Yeah, that Bo, he's really something. WOW!, did you see that hook shot!."

* Never admit you don't understand a political issue....Opinions are like whiskers. You're not an adult male without them.

* There's no need to consult the TV Guide when there's a remote control handy: Just divebomb through all 51 channels, evading commercials like flak, in the never-ending search for a suitable landing spot.

* If you spill something on the floor, clean it up with a bath towel.: It's unmanly to get down on the floor, so just slop the towel around with your feet.

* Never pay one of your buddies a compliment. Instead say things like "Where'd you get your haircut, the school for the blind?" or "Who is that awesome blonde I saw you with, and what are you going to do for a date once she meets me?"...He'll instinctively get the message that this means you value his friendship.

* A man should make as much as or more money than his girlfriend or wife. He should be as tall or taller, and at least as smart. Naturally, he should be able to outplay her in many activity, from Ping-Pong to chess: Having met these requirements, he should be liberated enough to be unconcerned about such things.

* When you're in the men's room alone you needn't wash your hands when you're finished: but if another guy is in there with you, scrub your hands as if you were preparing for brain surgery.

* Never openly display a broken heart or discuss it with other guys: That's between you, your six-pack and your collection of Frank Sinatra records.

* Don't tell another man your deepest hopes or fears.: That' s like saying, "How do you like my suit of armor" It's only got two weak spots in it -- here and here."

* Every guy should be hip about guns.: Hand an economics professor a Remington, and even if he's never been with 100 light years of a gun before, he'll work the action, sight down the barrel and generally act like a reincarnation of Daniel Boone or Rambo.

* When shopping with your mate, do not trail her into the women's lingerie department .: Stand clear of those racks of silk-and-lace panties like a mechanic would avoid the Whirling Fanblades of Death.

Men's Guide to Women's Language

So all you men know how to understand what women are saying!

********* Men's guide to a Woman's language **********

She says English --------- --------

You want You want

We need I want

It's your decision The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want You'll pay for this later

We need to talk I need to complain

Sure...go ahead I don't want you to.

I'm not upset Of course I'm upset, you moron

You're...so manly You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

You're certainly attentive tonight. Is sex all you ever think about?

I'm not emotional! And I'm not I'm on my period overreacting!

Be romantic, turn out the lights. I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient. I want a new house. I want new curtains and carpeting, furniture, wallpaper...

Hang the picture there No, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? I did something today you're really not going to like..

I'll be ready in a minute. Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat? Tell me I'm beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate. Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? [Too late, your dead.]

Yes No

No No

Maybe No

I'm sorry. You'll be sorry.

Do you like this recipe? It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it.

I'm not yelling! Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.


******** In answer to the question "What's wrong?" **********

The same old thing. Nothing.

Nothing. Everything.

Everything. My PMS is acting up.

Nothing, really. It's just that you're such an jerk.

I don't want to talk about it. Go away, I'm still building up evidence against you.

Words from Women

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde. --- Dolly Parton

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. --- Erica Jong

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels GOOD for 36 hours. --- Rita Rudner

I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job. --- Roseanne

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. --- Rita Rudner

I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters. --- Susie Loucks

This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?" --- Judy Tenuta

He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant. -- Carol Leifer

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. --- Wendy Liebman

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth to. --- Erma Bombeck

If high heels were so wonderful, men woeld be wearing them. --- Sue Grafton

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. --- Roseanne

I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. --- Sue Kolinsky

I look just like the girls next door... if you happen to live next door to an amusement park. --- Dolly Parton

I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT? --- Wendy Liebman

"I think - therefore I'm single." --- Lizz Winstead

"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." --- Elayne Boosler

"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." --- Gilda Radner

"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." --- Maryon Pearson

"Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel." --- Bella Abzug

"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman." --- Margaret Thatcher

"If I were going to convert to any religion I would probably choose Catholicism because it at least has female saints and the Virgin Mary." --- Margaret Atwood

"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." --- Gloria Steinem

"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." --- Gloria Steinem

"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." --- Katharine Hepburn

"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night." --- Marie Corelli

"Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths." --- Baroness Edith Summerskill

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" --- Linda Ellerbee

"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." --- Zsa Zsa Gabor

The Top 16 Things That Can Get a Guy Banned From the Men's Union

16> You catch yourself thinking, "You know, what this bed needs is a few more pillows."

15> "What do you think: a Zima or a white zinfandel?"

14> You rhapsodize about taking that chick with the great rack home from the bar for a long night of sweet cuddling and General Foods International Coffee.

13> You not only know the difference between a puff pastry and a cream puff, but your choux paste swan took first place at the county fair.

12> "Ewww, gross! Two women kissing!"

11> "You know, take away the steroids and over-the-top sideshow atmosphere from pro wrestling and it's just like ballet!"

10> Your new Martha Burke signature putter.

9> Not only can you identify Sarah Hughes and Tara Lipinski, you can articulate the logic behind the "artistic impression" scores in figure skating.

8> You turn down playoff tickets so you can watch Cher's farewell concert on TV.

7> You complain that the "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood" movie was not true to the book.

6> Sure, it's the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl and you've had a lot to drink, but you can't resist commenting on how those uniforms would look a lot neater if only they'd been finished with an overedge chain rather than a two-thread lock stitch.

5> Your "Bridges of Madison County" lunch box.

4> You not only sing show tunes at karaoke, you employ full choreography.

3> You ask your barber to give you a "Richard Simmons."

2> When the guys put you in charge of "entertainment" for the bachelor party in Vegas, you buy tickets to see Celine Dion.

1> "No oral sex for me tonight, honey -- I don't feel very fresh down there."

ONE MORE DAY GOOD OLD COLLEGE DAYS

Out Of College

You don't know what time Taco Bell closesanymore.

Your potted plants stay alive.

Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.

You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

You have to pay your own credit card bill.

You haven't seen a soap opera in over ayear.

8:00 a.m. is not early.

You have to file your own taxes.

You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.

You're not carded anymore.

You carry an umbrella.

Your friends marry and divorce instead ofhook-up and break-up.

You start watching the Weather Channel.

Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples inyour wardrobe.

You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.

You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

You go to parties that the police don't raid.

Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.

Your car insurance goes down, except when you move to Jersey.

You refer to college students as kids.

You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum. Well, some of us still drink rum.

You feed your dog Science Diet instead ofTaco Bell.

You're waking up at 6 a.m. instead of going to bed.

College sweatshirts are 'casual' instead of dress up.

Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.

Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m.

Dinner and a movie — the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

You get your news from sources other than USA Today, ESPN Sports center, and MTV News.

METABOLISM SLOWDOWN

Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone's and Mad Dog.

You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

Grocery lists actually contain relatively healthy food.

When drinking, you say at least once per night, "I just can't put it down like I used to."

Golf is beginning to seem a lot less silly.

You decide your parents weren't as dumb as you thought!

You Know You're Out Of College When...

1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00a.m. is not early.
9. You have to file for your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. You're not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that "Bachelor" is a nicer term for a jackass.
14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary, which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
15. "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid, and not married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up, and divorce instead of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather channel.
18. Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.
19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.
22. You go to parties that the police don't raid.
23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.
24. You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.
25. Your car insurance goes down.
26. You refer to college students as kids.
27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum.

Relieving Stress in Class

1. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
2. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.
3. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY". (At Least for the Male profs.)
4. Address the professor as "your excellency".
5. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"
6. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.
7. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been drinking.
8. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
9. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.
10. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?" Become agitated when the professor can't understand you.
11. Wink at the professor every few minutes. (Hey you might even get a dateif he/she is cute.)
12. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Signup Sheet#5" at the top, and start passing it around the room.
13. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.

Signs You Should Join E-Mailers Anonymous

10) You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom, and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

9) Your firstborn is named Dotcom.
8) You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a feeling of emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
7) You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop on your lap, and your child in the overhead compartment.
6) You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
5) You find yourself typing ''com'' after every period.com.
4) You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
3) You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
2) You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
1) Immediately after reading this list, you e-mail it to someone.

Survival of the Fittest Brain Cells

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back of the herd that are killed first.  This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole herd is maintained oreven improved by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass.
Recent emiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.   Thus, regular consumption of spirits helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and job-related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of completing university studies and then getting married and settling down, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates.  Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved during their university years.
    So, this is a call to arms.  As our country is losing its technological edge we should not shudder in our homes.  But get back into the bars  and pubs and quaff that pint!  Your company and your country needs you to be at your peak, and at your best, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career opportunities that you could achieve through excessive alcohol consumption.  Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be! And remember a good  cold beer will kill those bad, useless brain cells that are slowing you  down and it will make the necessary room needed to get the good brain cells up front and at the top ready to per format their best.  So bottoms up, down  the hatch, look out brain it's coming fast!

20 Reasons To Call It A Night

1.     You have absolutely no idea where your bag is.

2.     You truly believe that dancing with your arms overhead and wiggling your bottom while yelling WOO-HOO is truly the sexiest dance move around.    

3.     You've suddenly decided that you want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe that you could do it too.

4.     In your last trip to "pee" you realize you now look more like Lily Savage than the goddess you were just four hours ago.

5.     You drop your 3:00 a.m. Burger on the floor (which you're eating even though you're not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.

6.     You start crying and telling everyone you see that you love them so much.  

7.     There are less than 3 hours before you're due to start work.  

8.     You've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to you.  

9.     The man you're flirting with used to be your biology teacher.

10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.  

11. Your eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so you decide to keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.  

12.  You seem to think that its a really good idea to get your mates to push you down the street in a shopping trolley.  

13. You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just lemonade, but that's just because you can no longer taste the vodka.  

14.  You think you're in bed, but the pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.  

15.  You start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take this the WRONG WAY but..."  

16.  You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.  

17.  You're hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.    

18.  You're soooo tired you just sit on the floor (wherever you  happen to be standing) and take a quick nap.  

19.  You begin leaving the buttons open on your button fly pants to cut down on the time you're in the bathroom away from your drink.  

20  You take your shoes off because you really believe it's their fault that you're having problems walking straight.

Zen

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

6. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

14. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

15. Don't squat with your spurs on.

16. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

17. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.

18. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

19. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

20. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

21. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

22. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

23. A closed mouth gathers no food.

24. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

25. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

26. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

27. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Maintaining Your Insanity

1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3) Insist that your e-mail address is: Xena-Warrior-Princess@companyname.com or Elvis the-King@companyname.com 

4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."

7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

9) In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors'.

10) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

11) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

13) Dont use any punctuation

14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

15) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

16) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

17) Sing along at the opera.

18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

19) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender.)

20) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, in Stall #3."

21) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

22) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

23) Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.

24) Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, "Rock Hard."

25) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "Third time this week!!!"

26) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

27) Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, it's the voices in your head that do."

28) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

29) Every time you see a broom, yell "Honey, your mother is here!"

How To Handle Stress

1.Jam 39 tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
2.Use your Master card to pay your Visa.
3.Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
4.When someone says "Have a nice day" tell them you have other plans.
5.Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
6 Forget the diet center and send yourself a candy gram.
7.Dance naked in front of your pets.
8.Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him off to pre-school as if nothing was wrong.
9.Make a list of things to do that you've already done.
10.Retaliate for your tax woes by filling out your tax forms in Roman numerals.
11.Tattoo "Out To Lunch" on your forehead.
12.Leaf through a national geographic and draw underwear on the natives.
13.Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.
14.Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
15.Buy a subscription to Sleezoid Weekly and send it to your bosses wife.
16.Pay your electric bill in pennies.
17.Drive to work...in Reverse!
18.Relax by mentally reflecting on your favorite episode of "The Flintstones" during that important Finance meeting.
19.Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
20.Refresh yourself: Put your tongue on a cold steel guardrail.
21.Polish your car with earwax.
22.Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
23.Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
24.Bill your doctor for the time spent in his waiting room.
25.Braid the hairs in each nostril.
26.Write a short story using alphabet soup.
27.Lie on your back eating celery...using your navel as a salt dipper.
28.Stare at people through he tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
29.Make up a language and ask people for directions.

Does Your Cat Own You?

1.     Do you select your friends based on how well your cats like them?

2.     Does your desire to collect cats intensify during times of stress?

3.     Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month?

4.     Do you think it's cute when your cat swings on your drapes or licks your butter?

5.     Do you admit to non-cat owners how many cats you really have?

6.     Do you sleep in the same position all night because it annoys your cats when you move?

7.     Do you kiss your cat on the whiskers?

8.     Do you feed your cat tidbits from the table with your fork?

9.     Does your cat sleep on your head?
Do you like it?

10.     Do you have more than four opened but rejected cans of cat food in the refrigerator?

11.     Do you watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the remote?

12.     Will you stand at the open door indefinitely in the freezing rain while your cat sniffs the door, deciding whether to go out or come in?

13.     Would you rather spend a night at home with your cat than go out on a bad date?

14.     Do you put off making the bed until the cat gets up?

15.     Do you give your cat presents and a stocking at Christmas?

Does Your Dog Own You?

1.     You believe every dog is a lap dog.

2.     If you are cold, you put a sweater on your dog.

3.     You have a picture of your dog in your wallet, but not one of your kids.

4.     You often claim that it was love at first sight with you and your dog.

5.     You have your dog talk to your friends on the phone.

6.     You can't fully enjoy yourself without your dog.

7.     No matter how large your bed is, it is not large enough for you and your dogs).

8.     You spend more on clothes and food for your dog than you do for yourself.

9.     You have no reservations about kissing your dog on the lips, even when you know where his lips have been.

10.                       You believe it is your duty to talk to, pat, and even feed every dog in the neighborhood. You know their names.

11.                       You let the neighbor dog sleep over.

12.                       You believe there is no such thing as a naughty dog.

13.                       Your vet and grooming bills exceed your rent.

14.                       When you need someone to talk to, your dog is your first choice.

15.                       You sit on the floor if the dog got in the chair first.

16.                       You talk to your dog when you are driving. He answers.

17.                       Your dog taught you to fetch and roll over.

Top Ten Put Downs

10) He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

9) She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk? He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

8) He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way. She said...Well, you succeeded.

7) He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king! She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen'

6) On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me every where. Written just below it: "I do not."

5) He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?" She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. "

4) Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.' She said...'Who's gonna look?'

3) He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

2) He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight. She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

1) He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm? She said...I would, but you're never there.

Why Parents Go Grey

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialed the employee's  home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper, "Hello."  

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.  

"Yes," whispered the small voice.  

"May I talk with him?"  

The child whispered, "No."  

Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is  your mommy there?"  

"Yes."  

"May I talk with her?"  

Again the small voice whispered, "No."  

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"  

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."  

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"  

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.  

"Busy doing what?"  

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is  that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.  

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.  

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just  landed the hello-copper."  

Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss  asked, "What are they searching for?"  

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:  "ME."