Letter of Recommendation and hidden meaning

Letter of Recommendation –

While working with Mr. Xxxxxx, I have always found him working studiously and sincerely at his table without idling or gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always finishes the given assignment in time. He is always deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be found chitchatting in the canteen. He has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound
knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be classed as outstanding, and should on no account be dispensed with. I strongly feel that Mr. Xxxxxx should be pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to administration be sent away as soon as possible.

Sd/-

Branch Manager

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A second note following the report:

XXXXXX was present when I was writing the report mailed to you today.
Kindly read only the alternate lines 1, 3, 5, 7,... for my true assessment
of him.

Regards,

Sd/-

Branch Manager

Pop Quiz Triva

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.

Smartest dogs:

1) Scottish border collie;

2) Poodle;

3) Golden retriever.

Dumbest: Afghan hound.

Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.

Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.

Amount American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first class: $40,000

City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong  State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%

Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

Average number of days a West German goes without washing his underwear: 7

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and in lived in China in 1910.

The youngest pope was 11 years old.

Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation.

First novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history.

Spades - King David, Clubs - Alexander the Great, Hearts - Charlemagne, and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

Ever wonder....

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

Why does a house burn down and furniture burn up?

Why do they call it a Hot water heater? If the waters already hot, why heat it. It should be called a cold water heater right?

Bad pickup lines

If those old pickup lines aren't working for you like "did it hurt, (she says) what. When you fell from heaven. Then read these pickup lines I guarantee at least one will work for you.

1.Are my undies showing? ["No."] "Would you like them to?"

2.Are you busy tonight at 3:00 A.M.?

3.Can I borrow a quarter? "What for?" I want to call your mother and thank her.

4.Congratulations! You've been voted "Most Beautiful Girl In This Room" and the grand prize is a night with me!

5.Damn, I thought "very-fine" only came in a bottle!

6.Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes.

7.Do you have the time? [Gives the time] No, the time to write down my number?

8.Do you know the essential difference between sex and conversation? (No.) Do you wanna go upstairs and talk.

9.Excuse me, do you think you might possibly have a mutual friend who could introduce us.

10.For a fat chick, you sure have small tits.

11.Gee, for a fat girl you sure don?t sweat much.

12.Have you heard the latest piece of medical knowledge saying that Sex is a real killer? Do you want to die happy?

13.Hi, are you here to meet a nice man or will I do?

14.Hi, I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me down; go ahead say no.

15. Hi, I've been undressing you with my eyes all night long, and think it's time to see if I'm right.

16.Hi. You'll do.

17.How do you like your eggs cooked? [Why?] Well I just wanted know what to make for you in the morning!

18.I don't know what you think of me, but I hope it's X-rated.

19.I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away!

20.I just wanted to show this rose how incredibly beautiful you are!!

21.I like every muscle in your body, especially mine.

22.I seemed to have lost my way, would you mind taking me with you.

23.I lost my number can I have yours.

24.I was going to tell you a joke that'll make your tits fall off. But it looks like somebody beat me to it.

25.I was just curious? Are you as good as all the guys say you are?

26.If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

27.If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?

28.If this bar is a meat market, you must be the prime rib.

29.I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?

30.I'm the kind of man who deserves to have women I don't deserve.

Why bikes are better than women!

1. Bicycles don't pregnant.

2. You can ride your bicycle any time of the month.

3. Bicycles don't have parents.

4. Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
5. You can share your bicycles with your friends.
6. Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you've ridden.

7. When riding, you and your bicycle can arrive at the same time.

8. Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you have now.

9. Bicycles don't care if you look at other bicycles.

10. Bicycles don't care if you buy bicycle magazines.

11. You'll never hear, "Suprise, you're goning to own a new bicycle" unless you go out and buy one yourself.

12. If your bicycle goes flat, you can fix it.

13. If your bicycle is too loose, you can tighten it.

14. If your bicycle gets misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it.

15. You can have a black bicycle and bring it home to your parents.

16. You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your bicycle.

17. If you say bad things to your bicycle, you don't have to apologize before you ride it again.

18. You can ride your bicycle as long as you want and it wont get sore.

19. You can stop riding your bicycle as soon as you want and it wont get frustrated.

20. Your parents wont remain in touch with your old bicycle after you dump it.

21. Bicycles don't get headaches.

22. Bicycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider.

23. Your bicyle never wants a night out with other bicycles.

24. Bicycles don't care if you're late.

25. You don't have to take a shower before you ride your bicycle.

26. If your bicycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.

27. You can ride your bicycle the first time you meet it without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.

28. The only protection you need to wear when riding your bicycle is a decent helment.

29. When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you
had the last time you were on your bicycle.

Rules for Women to live by (as given by men)...

Rules for Women to live by(as given by men).

1. Return calls.

2. Don't lie, either. We have call waiting.

3. Use handcuffs in place of tape (doesn't stick to hair).

4. If girls night out involves exotic dancers, remember, he's stuffed his speedos.

5. If girls night out is going to be fun, remember.......guys like to watch.

6. The correct response is never, ever, "not tonight, I have a headache."

7. Ditto for "would you like to give me oral pleasures."

8. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is VERY GOOD!

9. "Nag", "Lardass", and "Bitch" are compliments in some cultures.

10. Talking is uncommon, Shouting is ineffective, Slapping generally gets the point across.

11. Ex-girlfriends are nothing more than EX-GIRLFRIENDS. (so get over it)

12. Buying her dinner does equal foreplay if, you use your toes correctly under the table.

13. Two words: clean house!

14. Stop nagging.

15. Never wrong just accept it.

16. You are more attractive when we're drunk.

17. Don't assume PMS is an acceptable response.

18. No means maybe, Yes means I thought you' would never ask.

19. You can't convince us that spending $300 on SALE items saved me anything!

20. Chivalry and Feminism can't peacefully co-exist.

21. 3,000 miles = oil change. Figure it out.

22. If you want to break up with him, don't ask if you can "still be friends" He's got enough friends and you've been complaining about them and that's why you're breaking up in the first place!

23. Don't force him to tell you he loves you in front of other people and if he does, you better hang on to that man for life, honey!

24. Always, always suck up to his mother.

25. Think naked.

26. Even during the daytime.

27. If you ask..."Is she pretty?" be prepared for the truth!

28. Ditto for "Would you sleep with her?"

29. Does not apply to "Do you like my cooking?"

30. Superbowl Sunday IS a religious holiday.

31. On time means ON TIME not "Well I was only 14 minutes late this time."

32. Buns of steel works...try it.

33. My ex-girlfriend did ...refer to # 11

34. Admit you too like to order the playboy channel.

35. The rules ARE never fair. He would have been playing golf if it weren't for the birth of your first child. But he couldn't get a tee time anyway and besides, it'll make him look good in front of the in-laws. You're right about ONE thing, it does all balance out.

These rules are original and cannot be duplicated without the expressed
consent of the authors or the nearest male (whichever is closer)

FAQs -- Men

Why won't men ever pick up after themselves?
Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.
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What's with all the belching and farting?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.
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Why do men hate shopping?
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? err... Buying?
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Why can't men ever leave the toilet seat down?
Have you ever seen one of us pee? The proper position of the toilet seat is up. Mathematically speaking, the proper position of the toilet seat is a function of the time spent peeing over the time spent sitting. The closer that ratio approaches one, the truer the proposition. Besides, it's actually a courtesy that we lift the seat. Why would we care if we pee all over the seat. You're the ones that have to sit on it. You should appreciate the fact that we actually lift the darn thing. We aim to please.
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Why do men find blonde bimbos attractive?
Are you kidding? Even leaving the physical aside, blonde bimbos are generally much easier to get along (alone) with. They like having fun and doing exciting things. They don't walk around with the weight of the world on their shoulders. They don't ever give us a hard time for being a dumb male; and plus they laugh at most of our jokes (even the ones they don't get). What more could any of us males ask for?
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Why do men act like they own the remote control?
What do you mean act? We do; possession is nine tenth of the law. Besides, it is an awesome responsibility not to be entrusted to just anyone. I believe the only fair way to decide who gets the remote control is to arm wrestle for it.
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Why can't men stay on a single channel for more than two seconds?
Are you kidding? What if there is something good on the next channel? We could miss it if we stay on one channel for too long. (See also: Why do men fear commitment?)
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Why do men fear commitment?
Don't be so surprised. Yes; most of us do know what 'commitment' means and can spell it correctly. It's like an automobile. No matter how good you think this year's model is, they're always coming out with newer, faster, better, sleeker, and sexier models. We simply cannot be expected to purchase the first one we see. We must browse around a bit and test drive a few. Who wants to end up with a lemon? At least a car, there's a slight chance of it eventually becoming a classic. It simply makes much more sense to lease and upgrade to the younger... err... I mean newer models every couple of years. Some of them come with fun extras like dual air bags.
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What does it mean when men say, "I'm just not ready for a relationship right now" or "I don't want a girl friend?"
It means that we like you enough to sleep with you, but not enough so that we want to see you repeatedly.
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What does it mean when men say, "Can we just be friends?"
Generally, it means that the recipient of said comment is physically repulsive enough that no beer goggles may be thick enough to provide adequate protection.
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Do all men really masturbate?
Yes. It is genetically inherited behavior. It's been passed on from our most primal forefathers, and it'll be passed on to our sons.
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Why do men generally have greater upper body strength?
Several factors are at work, namely evolution, heredity, nutrition, and environment. (See also: Do all men really masturbate?)
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Why do men generally have better hand-eye or spatial coordinate motor coordination?
It is like with all things. Practice... Practice... Practice... (See also: Do all men really masturbate?)
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Why are men so obsessed with beautiful women?
As opposed to what? Really ugly women? Face it, if men were obsessed with ugly women, there would be just as much bitching about why men are so obsessed with ugly women. No matter how you set this up, some people are always going to be left out. I don't see anyone screaming about equal treatment for the stupid people either.
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Why do men like younger women?
Well, let's see. Besides the fact that they like older men, they're easily impressed. They're also perky, energetic, and come with very little baggage. And gravity has less prevail over their bodies.
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Why do men only have one thing on their minds?
While technically correct, this statement is not strictly true. We may only be able to entertain one idea at a time, but we do think of lots of other things besides sex, such as sports and beer. We also get hungry quite often.
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How can men possibly find that other woman attractive (i.e. whatever do you see in that fat pig)?
Even if you happen to be Cindy Crawford, once we get the idea that you are ours, other women suddenly become much more attractive and you lose a few attractiveness points. I'm a bit puzzled by this one myself. I think evolution is to blame. We men are just innocent bystanders in the war of the selfish genes. You should love us despite our inherent weakness.
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Why are men such dogs?
I resent that. Dogs are faithful... loyal... affectionate... and obedient...

Application

APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising

A Man's View of a Relationship

 

1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings. 

2. Nothing improves with age. 

3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered again take it, because it'll never be quite the same. 

4. Sex has no calories. 

5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex. 

7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got. 

8. No sex with anyone in the same office. 

9. Sex is like snow: you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it will last. 

10. A man in the house is worth two in the street. 

11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. 

12. Virginity can be cured. 

13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him. 

14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. 

15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later. 

16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right. 

17. It is always the wrong time of the month. 

18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms. 

19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful. 

20. Sex is hereditary, if your parents never had it, chances are you won't either. 

21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night--then on Sunday, pray for crop failure. 

22. The younger the better. 

23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness!!!!!!!!!

How to Shower Like a Woman

 

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom. 

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat. 

4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, arm-cloth, leg-cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. 

5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. 

6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. 

7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw. 

9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash. 

10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off). 

11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead. 

12. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure. 

13. Turn off shower. 

14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. 

15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. 

16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found. 

17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. 

18. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

Things Men Want Women to Remember

1. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet UP when you are done. 

2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red. 

3. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall. 

4. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt. 

5. Shopping is not fascinating. 

6. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking. 

7. Unless the answer is yes. 

8. In which case, can he videotape it? 

9. If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking a holes. 

10. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill. 

11. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny. 

12. Money does not equate to love. Not even in Nevada. 

13. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (e.g., microwaving a burrito, fixing spaghetti, etc.) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon her infant when it.walks for the first time. 

14. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it. 

15. He heard you the first time. 

16. You know, YOU can ask HIM out, too. Let's spread the rejection around a little. 

17. If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want answers to. 

18. Of COURSE he wants another beer. 

19. Dogs good. Cats bad. 

20. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny. 

21. If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall," you have to sit through "Showgirls." 

22. "Fine!" is not an acceptable way to end an argument. 

23. Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions. 

24. He was not looking at that other girl. 

25. Well, okay... maybe a little.

26. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy. 

27. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met. 

28. And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones. 

29. Your select appropriate item: butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As.a matter of fact, it/they look d*mned good. Stop asking. 

30. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will NEVER fake an orgasm. 

31. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your period with him. 

32. Remember: That Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower. 

33. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, looks fine/smells bad, looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organised in this manner. 

34. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Andepson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than he is. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you're with. 

35. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute. 

36. Don't hog the covers. 

37. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that. 

38. He does not just want to be friends. 

39. Just because this list doesn't have as many entries as yours doesn't mean it's any less important.

 

41 Things Men Know

41 Rules Men Wish Women Knew

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
3 . Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lent, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil.
26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how
pretty you are?
33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done not both.
35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
38. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
41. Anyone can buy condoms.

100 Ways to Be a Man

100 ways to keep your Testosterone flowing

1. Don't call, ever.
2. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself.
3. Lie.
4. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "spike".
5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them.
6. Here's a good pickup line,: "My girlfriend's pregnant, will you go out with me?
7. Drink Vernors.
8. Play with yourself. Talk about it.
9. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a nice grunt will do.
10. Always remember: you are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault.
11. Lie.
12. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help - don't ask. People will think you have no penis.
13. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
14. Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever you pass a reflective surface, check your hair, clothing, etc.
15. If you don't like a girl but can't think of a good enough reason why, just come up with trite, meaningless explanations like: "I don't know. I just don't like her personality."
16. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.
17. If, GOD FOrbiD, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.
18. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit.
19. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.
20. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her.
21. Tell her you will call, then refer back to Rule 1.
22. Say things like "Wha...?"
23. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked them out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.
24. Lie.
25. Deny everything. Everything.
26. Good break up line: "it's not you, it's me."
27. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her because if any of your female friends like you, they'll really want to know.
28. Don't have a clue.
29. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.
30. No means yes.
31. Yes means no.
32. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times.
33. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations. Improvise.
34. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the end of a relationship.
35. Feelings? What feelings?
36. Tell this to your girl before you have sex: "don't worry. If you don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant."
37. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass.
38. Gays are an unacceptable part of our society. Take it upon yourself to eradicate all of them from the planet.
39. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example: question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?" Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day."
40. Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual meaning. Do so.
41. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia. If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make an exact replica of your penis. Measure to make sure it's right.
42. Lie.
43. "Love" is not in your vocabulary. Don't even think about saying it.
44. A general rule: if whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.
45. Diss your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss her again. Repeat cycle.
46. Lie.
47. ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it.
48. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
49. Try to have a good memory but it's OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend's birthday and eye colour.
50. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.
51. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.
52. Create new words and phrases to describe genitalia, sex, semen, etc.
53. Complain about not getting any mail. When people FINALLY feel sorry for you and send you mail, ignore it and continue complaining.
54. Lie.
55. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
56. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
57. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction.
58. You are NOT a virgin, ever. Males are born without virginity.
59. You are male, therefore you are superior.
60. Agenda for a boring evening: get beer, drink beer, play with yourself, have sex, drink more beer, pass out.
61. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.
62. Don't ever notice anything.
63. If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love with YOU, and then tell her.
64. Basic fundamental rule of dating: quantity, not quality.
65. Basic fundamental rule of sex: quantity IS quality.
66. Lie.
67. If you cheat on a girl but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong.
68. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about anyway?
69. If the question begins with "why", the answer is "I don't know."
70. Women are your napkins. Use them and throw them away.
71. Remember: every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.
72. If you ever find yourself in a position where you have been proven wrong, blame others. Come up with creative and believable excuses why they are at fault - not you.
73. Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so". If you hear this phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic.
74. If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your skills.
75. Keep track of how many seconds in your life you have thought about sex. Compare with others.
76. Other people's pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long and loud.
77. Lie.
78. General Rule: different is BAD.
79. If anyone asks you for a favour:- (a) make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it; (b) remind them of this huge favour you've done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.
80. Each penny you save will be worth at least a dollar in the long run.
81. If you do something really mean to a girl and she doesn't want to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to you, casually ask: "is something wrong?"
82. Three words: "let's be friends". Translation: "I never want to speak to you again but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me, so I'll pretend I want to be your friend."
83. Lie.
84. If you're on a date and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in.
85. When you tell a girl about your past, it's good to say: "God, I was such a pimp back then."
86. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell (true story).
87. If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset because, you know, SHE's the one who wanted to end the relationship.
88. The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on top.
89. Practice your blank stare.
90. Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your ass. Then, whenever you need one, you can pull it out of your ass.
91. If you're ever forced to show emotion, just pick random emotions like rage and lust and insanity and display them at random, inconvenient times. You won't be asked to do it again.
92. If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do but complain that you don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say: "SEE? I TOLD you I couldn't do it." Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things.
93. Work out day and night to make your body even more beautiful than it already is. When people ask if you've been working out, say things like: "no, Baby, I was BORN like this!"
94. Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd or Oldies.
95. Beer, Then more beer.
96. Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people.
97. One word: FOOTBALL!
98. Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don't want the inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we?
99. Diss your girl friends for an occasional night or 5 out with "The Gang".
100. Lie again