What do these again meanS?
We're going to
have to watch that with a fine-tooth comb.
..that's what really separates the wheat from the sheep.
He's not the brightest brick in the basket.
Don't worry; I've got an ace up my hole.
He's not the brightest cookie in the lamp.
You planted the seed, and I ran with it.
I swear on my dog's breakfast!
If there was a rainbow at night, how would you know it was there?
Just because he's our landlord doesn't mean he owns the place.
Like a cat on a hot tin can.
All old people should be shot at birth.
I know that area of town like the back of my head.
That's the carrot at the end of the tunnel.
Vision is in the eyes of the beholder.
Eventually, I want it now.
In the last year, you've turned around 150%.
It was a huge incontinence for me.
I was already squeezing the buffalo.
I think we're on the same page here, just different parts of the page.
I think you might have hit the nail on the button.
I'm caught between a rock and a wet spot.
I was thinking about you in the shower this morning and I thought of a name for you.
If you have that, the world is your walrus.
It was jumping up and down like a sieve.
I've got ears like a hawk.
This guy's sharp as a cookie.
I had too many hands in the fire.
He's between a rock and a hotplate.
It depends whether you are drinking from the side of the glass that is half-full or half-empty.
I don't need a compass to tell me which way the wind shines!
It's like the blind talking to the blind!
She's not the brightest tree in the forest.
I need a trash compactor because my garbage is too heavy to carry up the driveway.
Cut the cake a different way and go for the lowest hanging fruit.
Now, I do not want to toot my own wagon.
He's not the brightest cookie in the lamp.
We'd be biting off a new can of worms.
Well, it's no skin off my teeth!
That's just cutting your throat to spite your face.
Remember! There is no 'I' in 'Team Spirit'!
If you can't finish the job on time, that'll really put a wrinkle in your feather.
'Usually' only counts in horseshoes.
I wouldn't trust them with a nine foot pole.
Everything has been peaches and gravy.
You're getting too clever for your own boots!
Then I figured that something was rotten in Denver.
..that's what really separates the wheat from the sheep.
He's not the brightest brick in the basket.
Don't worry; I've got an ace up my hole.
He's not the brightest cookie in the lamp.
You planted the seed, and I ran with it.
I swear on my dog's breakfast!
If there was a rainbow at night, how would you know it was there?
Just because he's our landlord doesn't mean he owns the place.
Like a cat on a hot tin can.
All old people should be shot at birth.
I know that area of town like the back of my head.
That's the carrot at the end of the tunnel.
Vision is in the eyes of the beholder.
Eventually, I want it now.
In the last year, you've turned around 150%.
It was a huge incontinence for me.
I was already squeezing the buffalo.
I think we're on the same page here, just different parts of the page.
I think you might have hit the nail on the button.
I'm caught between a rock and a wet spot.
I was thinking about you in the shower this morning and I thought of a name for you.
If you have that, the world is your walrus.
It was jumping up and down like a sieve.
I've got ears like a hawk.
This guy's sharp as a cookie.
I had too many hands in the fire.
He's between a rock and a hotplate.
It depends whether you are drinking from the side of the glass that is half-full or half-empty.
I don't need a compass to tell me which way the wind shines!
It's like the blind talking to the blind!
She's not the brightest tree in the forest.
I need a trash compactor because my garbage is too heavy to carry up the driveway.
Cut the cake a different way and go for the lowest hanging fruit.
Now, I do not want to toot my own wagon.
He's not the brightest cookie in the lamp.
We'd be biting off a new can of worms.
Well, it's no skin off my teeth!
That's just cutting your throat to spite your face.
Remember! There is no 'I' in 'Team Spirit'!
If you can't finish the job on time, that'll really put a wrinkle in your feather.
'Usually' only counts in horseshoes.
I wouldn't trust them with a nine foot pole.
Everything has been peaches and gravy.
You're getting too clever for your own boots!
Then I figured that something was rotten in Denver.
If you play with
matches, you're going to get fired.
I'll be straight as a doorknob with you.
Open your mouth and shut your ears when I'm talking to you.
He couldn't find his way out of a paper bag if it bit him.
They dropped the apple cart, now it's up to us to get it back on the tracks.
We'll be done by the schedule date, maybe later.
We are going to have to put all our oars in the fire for this project.
That really throws a monkey at the wrench.
She's totally green under the collar.
You don't want me down here breathing down your throats.
I didn't think it would be a good idea to rattle the barrel.
That floor is so clean you could comb your hair off of it.
He is always robbing Peter Paul to pay Mary.
It's good to get a taste of someone else's moccasins!
There are too many ducks in the soup.
This is for your FYI.
We definitely don't want to nail ourselves into a corner.
I'm not the brightest bean in the hole.
I want quality, not quantity; but lots of it.
Don't look for a gift in the horse's mouth.
I'm doing this just to break up the mahogany.
We need to iron out our bread and butter.
I think we should go for the whole ball of wood.
Each of you pitched a home run today!
I usually dealt with him using felt-tipped gloves.
It's an exercise in fertility.
Hindsight is 50-50.
You are never going to fail unless you try.
We're scraping the bottom of the iceberg.
Today is like the day Rome was built in. We can't afford to have any fiddlers.
He might be barking at a red herring.
He was smoking like a fish.
He's as deaf as a bat.
We don't want to stick our necks out and get our asses chopped off.
I didn't have two dimes to pee on.
I gave him a real mouthful.
I really took the bull by the hands.
He doesn't know his hole from an ass in the ground.
I can't remember but it's right on the tip of my head!
You can lead a pig to pearls...
The skeleton is there. You just have to sharpen it and put the decorations on the tree.
He would give you the shoes off his back.
That question was so easy I could have answered it blindfolded.
We're going to clean the competition's lunch.
We've baked our cake, now we have to eat it.
That's the pot calling the kettle "Bob".
I want 24 x 7 availability, 5 days a week.
The phone was ringing off its hinges.
I didn't want to stir the apple cart.
It was so quiet you could hear a needle drop in a haystack.
I don't put my chickens before the horse.
It was time to get the train out of the harbor.
I didn't have many bullets left in the tank.
I was shooting at straws.
I was running on exhaustion fumes.
I was looking for a seed that would get it over the hump.
I didn't want to sit in the hotbox with my fingers in my ears.
It's water under the dam now.
I put the ball in the other shoe.
That took the steam out of my sails.
No point in making a molehill out of an elephant!
You can try, but it's like waiting for toast to boil.
Cut off your face in spite of your nose.
You have a better chance of winning the lotto if you don't play.
Can you tell me when my past due amount is due?
Eventually the penny will come home to roost.
You are the wind beneath my cheeks.
I'll be straight as a doorknob with you.
Open your mouth and shut your ears when I'm talking to you.
He couldn't find his way out of a paper bag if it bit him.
They dropped the apple cart, now it's up to us to get it back on the tracks.
We'll be done by the schedule date, maybe later.
We are going to have to put all our oars in the fire for this project.
That really throws a monkey at the wrench.
She's totally green under the collar.
You don't want me down here breathing down your throats.
I didn't think it would be a good idea to rattle the barrel.
That floor is so clean you could comb your hair off of it.
He is always robbing Peter Paul to pay Mary.
It's good to get a taste of someone else's moccasins!
There are too many ducks in the soup.
This is for your FYI.
We definitely don't want to nail ourselves into a corner.
I'm not the brightest bean in the hole.
I want quality, not quantity; but lots of it.
Don't look for a gift in the horse's mouth.
I'm doing this just to break up the mahogany.
We need to iron out our bread and butter.
I think we should go for the whole ball of wood.
Each of you pitched a home run today!
I usually dealt with him using felt-tipped gloves.
It's an exercise in fertility.
Hindsight is 50-50.
You are never going to fail unless you try.
We're scraping the bottom of the iceberg.
Today is like the day Rome was built in. We can't afford to have any fiddlers.
He might be barking at a red herring.
He was smoking like a fish.
He's as deaf as a bat.
We don't want to stick our necks out and get our asses chopped off.
I didn't have two dimes to pee on.
I gave him a real mouthful.
I really took the bull by the hands.
He doesn't know his hole from an ass in the ground.
I can't remember but it's right on the tip of my head!
You can lead a pig to pearls...
The skeleton is there. You just have to sharpen it and put the decorations on the tree.
He would give you the shoes off his back.
That question was so easy I could have answered it blindfolded.
We're going to clean the competition's lunch.
We've baked our cake, now we have to eat it.
That's the pot calling the kettle "Bob".
I want 24 x 7 availability, 5 days a week.
The phone was ringing off its hinges.
I didn't want to stir the apple cart.
It was so quiet you could hear a needle drop in a haystack.
I don't put my chickens before the horse.
It was time to get the train out of the harbor.
I didn't have many bullets left in the tank.
I was shooting at straws.
I was running on exhaustion fumes.
I was looking for a seed that would get it over the hump.
I didn't want to sit in the hotbox with my fingers in my ears.
It's water under the dam now.
I put the ball in the other shoe.
That took the steam out of my sails.
No point in making a molehill out of an elephant!
You can try, but it's like waiting for toast to boil.
Cut off your face in spite of your nose.
You have a better chance of winning the lotto if you don't play.
Can you tell me when my past due amount is due?
Eventually the penny will come home to roost.
You are the wind beneath my cheeks.
Wit and Wisdom
It's really difficult to find what you want on eBay. I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Is it just me, or does anybody else find pressing F5 refreshing?
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from. Then it dawned on me.
In high school, I was in the French club. All we would do is occasionally surrender to the German club.
The worst bar I've ever been to was called The Fiddle. It really was a vile inn.
I just want to thank the girl who ran with me for the last few thousand feet in the marathon yesterday, not wearing a sports bra. Your lack of support got me through.
A farmer is in his big machinery barn one day doing a striptease when the farmhand walks in catching him in the act. "What the heck!?" exclaims the farmhand. "Oh!" replies the farmer, looking quite embarrassed. "Thing is, Mrs Farmer and I haven't been getting on recently so my therapist advised I should do something sexy to a tractor."
Shouldn't the Air and Space Museum be empty?
Somebody called me 'pretentious' the other day. I nearly choked on my latte.
I spent some time at my wife's grave earlier. She's not dead - she thinks I'm digging a pond.
What do houseflies and Mac users have in common? Neither of them understand how Windows work.
92% of cross-eyed teachers have difficulty controlling their pupils.
I used to be quite good at wordplay. Once a pun a time.
Everything is easier said than done. Except for talking, that's about the same.
Don't worry about infringing on corporate trademarks, Just Do It.
I told my buddy that, in order to get laid, I'd promised my girlfriend that I'd marry her in the summer. He said, "July?" I said, "Of course I did."
Failure is at the end of the path of least persistence.
I lost my watch earlier. I would have looked for it but I didn't have the time.
The day that Microsoft creates a product that doesn't suck is the day that they venture into the vacuum cleaner industry.
I see boomerangs are making a comeback.
I woke up this morning and there was a bloke stealing my gate. I didn't want to say anything in case he took a fence.
I'm reading a book about the Titanic at the moment, and the experts speculate that the designer of the Titanic had a lisp. That's unthinkable!
If you were lost in fog, would you be mist?
As a child I enjoyed reading "Spot The Dog". They were a lot easier than "Where's Waldo".
A Freudian slip is one where you say one thing but mean a mother.
Sometimes it's the smallest things that take up the most room in your heart. Like blood clots.
I banged my head on a low bridge. I would have been okay if viaduct.
Now matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
I recently bought a second keyboard, so I can indulge in some stereotyping.
You can't have manslaughter without laughter.
LeAnn Rimes. No it doesn't.
Death - a once in a lifetime experience.
I'm considering becoming a mind reader. What are your thoughts?
I had to do a presentation on children's playground equipment. So I did a slide show.
After 2 hours of wandering around CVS, I eventually found the disposable contact lenses. Aisle C.
As the circus manager I had to tell an acrobat he was sacked yesterday. He wasn't happy, he flipped. Tomorrow I'm going to fire the human cannonball.
I've been
searching all day for a word that looks like it's a mock dinosaur's name. But
I'm having no joy so far with the thesaurus.
In an effort to defeat Superman, I've joined a street gang. Superman won't stand a chance once I turn into a Crip tonight.
I'm a philosopher. I think.
A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.
How do you make teenage boys more interested in history? Teach them how to delete it.
The price of owning a faulty jetpack is going through the roof.
My first erotic fantasy was because of a picture of a mermaid. Since then, I've always been drawn to scale.
Cashiers are always checking me out.
I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
Stonehenge Rocks!
I'm great at making balloon animals, if all you want are snakes.
Did you know that the average married couple argue 412 times a year? Well 415 actually, but try telling her that!
How subtle is the b in subtle?
As a pyromaniac, I must say I found Match.com to be incredibly disappointing.
I looked up 'opaque' in the dictionary today. The definition was not very clear.
On reflection, vampires aren't that scary.
I thought I'd found the perfect website to help me overcome my fear of flying until it crashed.
I am married to two women. After years of deceit I owned up to both of them. I thought that was big of me.
Today, I shall rewrite hostiry.
I have no beef with vegetarians.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
Big noses run in my family.
It's weird that the words 'finger puppets' sound okay as a noun.
I opened the mail this morning. Nothing exciting, it was mostly bills. He's gonna be so pissed off when he finds out.
What are the chances of me allowing my wife to choose which TV channel we watch tonight? Remote.
Integers are pointless.
Boxing. What's that, a bout?
I deserted my wife last night. I gave her a big bowl of chocolate pudding.
Due to inflation, balloons are going up.
My ex girlfriend texted me to say that she'd made a voodoo doll of me. I think she's pulling my leg.
I don't know why the word "purposeless" is in the English language. My dictionary says it has no meaning.
My wife's got this weird fetish for sleeping with boxing gloves on. Her doctor thinks it's just the menopause setting in but I just think she's going through a rocky patch.
There was a kidnapping in my town today. She slept for 4 hours.
I'm having trouble accessing the Glade website. It keeps telling me to get some sort of plug-in.
I went to get my palm read the other day, but as I was sitting down at the table I managed to knock over her crystal ball. Ended up costing me a fortune.
I just bought some second hand binoculars fo $200. The guy must have seen me coming from a mile away.
I saw my friend floating about 4 feet off the ground yesterday. He didn't seem the slightest bit bothered. He obviously didn't understand the gravity of the situation.
I'm a pretty good Ventriloquist. Even though I say so myself.
I just saw a large area of ground with 10,000 car parking spaces on it. I thought: "That's a lot".
In an effort to defeat Superman, I've joined a street gang. Superman won't stand a chance once I turn into a Crip tonight.
I'm a philosopher. I think.
A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.
How do you make teenage boys more interested in history? Teach them how to delete it.
The price of owning a faulty jetpack is going through the roof.
My first erotic fantasy was because of a picture of a mermaid. Since then, I've always been drawn to scale.
Cashiers are always checking me out.
I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
Stonehenge Rocks!
I'm great at making balloon animals, if all you want are snakes.
Did you know that the average married couple argue 412 times a year? Well 415 actually, but try telling her that!
How subtle is the b in subtle?
As a pyromaniac, I must say I found Match.com to be incredibly disappointing.
I looked up 'opaque' in the dictionary today. The definition was not very clear.
On reflection, vampires aren't that scary.
I thought I'd found the perfect website to help me overcome my fear of flying until it crashed.
I am married to two women. After years of deceit I owned up to both of them. I thought that was big of me.
Today, I shall rewrite hostiry.
I have no beef with vegetarians.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
Big noses run in my family.
It's weird that the words 'finger puppets' sound okay as a noun.
I opened the mail this morning. Nothing exciting, it was mostly bills. He's gonna be so pissed off when he finds out.
What are the chances of me allowing my wife to choose which TV channel we watch tonight? Remote.
Integers are pointless.
Boxing. What's that, a bout?
I deserted my wife last night. I gave her a big bowl of chocolate pudding.
Due to inflation, balloons are going up.
My ex girlfriend texted me to say that she'd made a voodoo doll of me. I think she's pulling my leg.
I don't know why the word "purposeless" is in the English language. My dictionary says it has no meaning.
My wife's got this weird fetish for sleeping with boxing gloves on. Her doctor thinks it's just the menopause setting in but I just think she's going through a rocky patch.
There was a kidnapping in my town today. She slept for 4 hours.
I'm having trouble accessing the Glade website. It keeps telling me to get some sort of plug-in.
I went to get my palm read the other day, but as I was sitting down at the table I managed to knock over her crystal ball. Ended up costing me a fortune.
I just bought some second hand binoculars fo $200. The guy must have seen me coming from a mile away.
I saw my friend floating about 4 feet off the ground yesterday. He didn't seem the slightest bit bothered. He obviously didn't understand the gravity of the situation.
I'm a pretty good Ventriloquist. Even though I say so myself.
I just saw a large area of ground with 10,000 car parking spaces on it. I thought: "That's a lot".
It is the
largest ocean on the planet. It covers 46% of the worlds water surface. The
equator divides it into the North and South. It's Latin name 'Mare Pacificum'
means peaceful sea. Sorry, I'm being very Pacific.
I remember when I was diagnosed as colorblind, it was completely unexpected, out of the purple.
I can't remember the last time I got really drunk.
I will never forget my childhood summers, when we would climb into old tires and roll down the hills. They were Goodyears.
I'm a cosmetic surgeon and just had to sue a woman over incomplete payment of an invoice. Her nose job was fine, but her breasts were outstanding.
If sex with 3 people is called a threesome, and sex with 2 people is called a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
I recently wrote a book about how to deal with being an orphan. It's nothing to write home about.
My wife said, "I don't understand double entendres, can you please fill me in?"
I saw Bruce Lee's old man at the bar last night. I was giving him crap about his son and he kicked my ass. From now on I'll respect the elder Lee.
My wife has asked me to "stop always getting the last word in". I'm doing quite well, but now none of my sentences make any.
I'll be ill if you remove the apostrophe.
I failed my English literature exam. Apparently, the answer to question 2b) was not 'or not 2b).'
This is just how messed up the English language is:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) There is no time like the present, he said it was time to present the present.
8) At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22) I will read what I have read already.
I say tomato you say tomato. Doesn't quite have the same effect online.
I remember when I was diagnosed as colorblind, it was completely unexpected, out of the purple.
I can't remember the last time I got really drunk.
I will never forget my childhood summers, when we would climb into old tires and roll down the hills. They were Goodyears.
I'm a cosmetic surgeon and just had to sue a woman over incomplete payment of an invoice. Her nose job was fine, but her breasts were outstanding.
If sex with 3 people is called a threesome, and sex with 2 people is called a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
I recently wrote a book about how to deal with being an orphan. It's nothing to write home about.
My wife said, "I don't understand double entendres, can you please fill me in?"
I saw Bruce Lee's old man at the bar last night. I was giving him crap about his son and he kicked my ass. From now on I'll respect the elder Lee.
My wife has asked me to "stop always getting the last word in". I'm doing quite well, but now none of my sentences make any.
I'll be ill if you remove the apostrophe.
I failed my English literature exam. Apparently, the answer to question 2b) was not 'or not 2b).'
This is just how messed up the English language is:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) There is no time like the present, he said it was time to present the present.
8) At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22) I will read what I have read already.
I say tomato you say tomato. Doesn't quite have the same effect online.
