The Top 16 Worst Excuses for Being Late for Work

16. "Actually, I've been here for over 20 minutes, big guy -- I was just out chillin' in the van waiting for the end of the live version of 'Freebird'."

15. "I keep forgetting which side of the International Date Line you're on."

14. "We're *open* on Tuesdays?!?"

13. "It took this long to get the ol' blood alcohol level down to the legal driving limit."

12. "I had to take extra time this morning to wrestle with overwhelming aggressive impulsies by reassuring myself that nothing would happen today that would push me over the edge."

11. "My proctologist got stuck."

10. "It was Senator Kennedy's turn to drive today, so I've spent the last hour swimming."

9. "I'm late because I was on the phone trying to get *your* lousy shipping department to send the company's office supplies directly to the winner of my eBay auction."

8. "Hey, time becomes meaningless when you're as strung out on high as I am."

7. "Sorry, sir.  I overslept and dreamt I had a dead-end job, a windowless office and a humorless baboon for a boss."

6. "Heidi Klum refused to untie me."

5. "On the second Tuesday of the month, the Campho-Phenique man comes by to fill the drum for my home supply of industrial-strength anti-sensitive sore gel."

4. "I'm sorry, boss, but I had to stop to get you -- uh -- this box of ten donuts."

3. "It took me a little longer than normal to hide my disdain this morning...  Sir."

2. "My dog ate my presentation, sir.  And by 'my dog' I mean your wife, and by 'ate my presentation' I mean 'was boinking me'."

1. "These are not the 'droids you're looking for."

Top 25 Engineers' Terms and Expressions

What they say versus what they mean... 

1. A number of different approaches are being tried. (We are still guessing at this point.) 

2. Close project coordination. (We sat down and had coffee together.) 

3. An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach. (We just hired three punk kids out of school.) 

4. Major technological breakthrough! (It works OK; but looks very hi-tech!) 

5. Customer satisfaction is believed assured. (We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take anything.) 

6. Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)

7. Test results were extremely gratifying! (Unbelievable, it actually worked!) 

8. The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only guy who understood the thing quit.) 

9. It is in process. (It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely hopeless.) 

10. We will look into it. (Forget it! We have enough problems already.) 

11. Please note and initial. (Let's spread the responsibility for this.) 

12. Give us the benefit of your thinking. (We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we have already done or with what we are going to do.) 

13. Give us your interpretation. (We can't wait to hear your baloney.) 

14. See me or let's discuss. (Come to my office, I've screwed up again.) 

15. All new. (Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.) 

16. Rugged. (Don't plan to lift it without major equipment.) 

17. Robust! (Rugged, but more so) 

18. Light weight. (Slightly lighter than rugged) 

19. Years of development. (One finally worked) 

20. Energy saving. (Achieved when the power switch is off.) 

21. No maintenance. (Impossible to fix) 

22. Low maintenance. (Nearly impossible to fix) 

23. Fax me the data. (I'm too lazy to write it down.) 

24. We are following the standard! (That's the way we have always done it!) 

25. I didn't get your e-mail.

The Office Diet

How to Lose Weight at Work Without Doing 

Much Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per hour they consume.

Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75 

Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100 

Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150 

Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50 

Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25 

Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight). ..50-300

Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100 

Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250 

Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500 

Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50 

Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300 

Bending over backwards . . . . . . . . 75 

Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200 

Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25 

Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350 

Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225 

Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25 

Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750 

Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75 

Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160 

Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . .12 

To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including: 

Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50 

Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300 

Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90 

Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25 

Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350 

Counting eggs before they hatch. . . . . 6 

Calling it quits . . . . . . . . . . . . 35

Realtor Doubletalk

Ever read realty ads and see all the nice things they say about the homes for sale - but read between the lines to find out what the ads are really describing:

Handyman's Delight - Really a handyman's nightmare! Better tear the place down and re-build from scratch.

Great neighborhood near conveniences - on a noisy, busy street.

Near playground where street gangs congregate at night. Houses are so close you can hear your neighbors breathing.

Acerage included - High taxes, high taxes, high taxes!

With a little imagination, this could be your dream house - see Handyman's delight

Income potential - If you want to invest a Donald Trump sized bank account, you can convert this into rental property. Good luck trying to collect from your deadbeat tenants.

Appliances included - but they don't work. You'll have to buy new ones anyway and be burdened with disposing of the old ones

Nobody gives up a good freezer, stove, washer or refrigerator.

Excellent starter home - it's so small (how small is it?) you'll break the back window when you put the key in the front door.

Extensive deferred maintenance throughout - see handyman's delight.

Custom design - see entropy at work. This has a sunken living room - literally. 

The kitchen had slid 50 feet down the hillside after the last heavy rainfall. 

Skylights are really holes in theroof left by a hurricane. Heated pool in cellar is created bythe leaking water heater.

For the discriminating buyer - You must have Bill Gates' income.

Has floors, roof and windows - Wow! I always wanted those ammenities.

Has possibilities - see handyman's delight.

Peace and privacy - A hundred miles from anywhere. No electricity, indoor plumbing or central heat. Chipmunks, mosquitoes and bears are your closest neighbors.

Spacious, with catherdral ceiling - Think about fuel bills when trying to heat this monstrosity!

On corner lot - Pedestrians, bikers and vehicular traffic make short-cuts across your front lawn.

A great fixer-upper - Ever see the movie "The Money Pit"?

Be the frist to see this one - It's been on the market six years without an offer.

Has the elegance and charm of yesteryear - see Peace and Privacy & Handyman's Delight.

Fun Things To Do On An Airplane

1. Hit the stewardess button and tell her that your friend next
to you is having a baby. Have your friend make all sorts of
noises. (Works especially well, if your friend is a guy)

2. Take the telephone out of its holder and attempt to strangle
the person sitting in front of you.

3. Hit the stewardess button as many times as possible and when
she comes, blame it on your stuffed animal. Say he gets
hyperactive riding on airplanes and does mischievious stuff.

4. Use the Call Button to ask the flight attendent on a date.

5. When the flight attendent comes around for drinks, request
food. When they ask what meal you would like, ask for a drink.

6. When you get your meal/peanuts or whatever, dump it in the
persons hair in front of you

7. Before you get on the plane go to the Sky Cap and ask them if
you can deliver this bag to Chicago, this one to Detroit, and
this one to Atlanta. If he says no, say, "Why not, you did it
last time."

8. Have extremely loud conversations on which Olsen twin is more
talented

9. If sitting next to someone you don't know attempt to stick
q-tips in various parts of the body (i.e. ears, nose, don't get
too excited)

10. Bring on a CD Player and the Soundtrack to Saturday Night
Feaver. Dance until physically restrained.

11. Hold a Sing-A-Long.

12. Look out the window and point at stuff, claim you know that
person.

13. When they serve you your food ask them what it is and tell
them it dosen't look edible. (most of the time the stewerdess
will agree with you)

14. Bring a live chicken on board. When you are given your food,
hide it and put the chicken on trey table. Press the call
button, and say your dinner needs to be cooked more.

15. Put your stuffed animal in the barf bag and say it found a
new home

16. Take off your trey table, and hand it to the person in front
of you.

17. If you are sitting at least 2 seats away from the aisle, get
up every 5 minutes to go to the bathroom. If questioned say. I
think the gum is getting to me.

18. Pull down the oxygen masks and place all three on your head
at once.

19. Bring 2 Lobsters on the Plane. Paint Numbers on the back,
and race them down the aisle. See how many people you can get to
bet on this race. Have a board stating odds.

20. Bring a sock puppet on board, and communicate with everyone
with it. (please note, this works better with people older then

4) If someone questions the words of the sock explain to them
that they have affended the sock king and will be attacked by a
giant ball of lint.

21. Clip your toe nails 

22. Play with the lights for about an hour. If someone asks say
your making strobe lights.

23. Select captains and play a game of tackle football in the
aisle.

24. Two Words: Strip Poker

25. Bring on board Spam and a hot plate. Cook the spam and offer
it to other passengers.

26. When the lady comes and asks you for a drink say "Vodka
Martini shaken not stired" and when she says your not old enough
shout and scream and pound your tray until you make such a
racket that she gives in.

27. Play a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos

28. Attempt to get on the PA and start a game of Simon Says

29. Demand that you get both the arm rests and shove the persons
arm off.

30. Every few minutes press the call button and ask the
steward/stewardess "Are we there yet?"

31. When you first get on, take the empty seat next to you and
pretend your invisible friend is there. When someone trys to sit
there scream and fuss and say they can't sit on Joe.

32. When the pilot comes over the PA system cower in fear and
scream, "It's those voices again!"

33. When you notice someone getting up to go to the bathroom,
immidiately jump out of your seat, run down the aisle, push the
person out of the way and bolt into the bathroom, stay in the
bathroom for at least 1/2 an hour.

34. When the flight attendent gives you there drink list ask
them for drinks not on the list, keep this up for at least 10
minutes.

35. If you_re on a plane that is showing a movie, find the VCR,
and put in a porn movie, this works particularly well when you
know the first movie would be one that younger children would
like.

36. Bring a trombone on board, while playing it, attempt to hit
as many people as possible with the slide of the trombone, then
yell at them for getting in your way.

37. Using a fishing rod attempt to catch other people's dinner
off their trey table.

38. When sitting in first class ask for a big meal. Leave the
meal alone, and just eat the napkin, when the flight attendent
comes back to check on you, say the forgot your napkin. When
they come back with a new napkin, eat that one as well, keep
this up for the remainder of the flight, making sure not to eat
any of the food that they gave you.

39. When traveling through clouds, open an umbrella. When
experiencing Turbulence scream "Earthquake!" Then run into the
cock pit and hide.

THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO A COP...

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. If the Officer says "Gee son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?"
You probably shouldn't reply,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

Things you don't want to hear in an Airplane

 

1. "The union president called - he said the pilots' strike starts
IMMEDIATELY."

2. "We'll just ask the flight attendant to wake us up when we get
there."

3. "My name is Forrest Gump - people call me Forrest Gump."

4. "Hey, Jim, do you remember where we're going?"

5. "Buckle your seat belt - I'm going to try something I saw in a
cartoon."

6. "Bye, bye, Miss American Pie..."

7. "Wow, we're sure a lot lighter now that we dropped that second
engine!"

8. "Only 500 more flight hours, and I'll get my license!"

9. "They say this plane practically flies itself. Good thing, huh?"

Kids View of Marriage and Relationships

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
-------------------------------
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Alan, age 10
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
-------------------------------------
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then." Camille, age 10

"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married." Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
--------------------------------------------------
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." Eddie, 6

"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
--------------------------------------------------
"Both don't want no more kids." Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
----------------------------------
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. Lynnette, age 8.

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
--------------------------------------------------------
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?
-------------------------------
"When they're rich." Pam, age 7

"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." Curt, age 7

"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do." Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
--------------------------------------
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them." Anita, 9

"Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing." Kirsten, age 10

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
--------------------------------------------------------------
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" Kelvin, age 8

"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now." Roberta, age 7

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
-----------------------------------
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." Ricky, age 10

Marriage quotes

I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me. -- Dick Martin

I do not see the EEC as a great love affair. It is more like nine desperate middle-ages couples with failing marriages meeting at a Brussels hotel for a group grope. -- Tynan

I think of my wife and I think of Lot, and I think of the lucky break he got.

I tried a mail order bride, once, but she was damaged in the mail, and I had to return the unused part for my full refund.

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about 'short' and 'cheap'? -- Phyllis Diller

I've been trying desperately to save my marriage for the last 35 years.

If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?

If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry. -- Chekhov

If you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children..." - they leave skid marks. -- Rita Rudner

Why Dogs Don't Use Computers


Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.


Fetch command not available on all platforms.


Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.


Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.


Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."


Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.


Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.


Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.


Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.


Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.


Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.


Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome


Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...


Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.


SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.


SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!


Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.


Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.


Too Hard To Type With Paws

1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?  (written by kids) 



You  got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
 --  Alan, age 10
 
 No  person really decides before they grow up who they're  going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you  get to find out later who you're stuck with.
 --  Kristen, age  10 


 2.  WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? 
 Twenty-three is the best age because you know  the person FOREVER by then.
 --   Camille, age 10 


 3.  HOW
 CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? 
 You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
 --  Derrick, age  8 


 4.  WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? 
 Both  don't want any more kids.  
 --  Lori,  age 8 


 5.  WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? 
 Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough..
 --  Lynnette, age  8    (isn't  she a treasure)
 
 On  the first date, they just tell each other lies and that  usually gets them interested enough to go for a second  date.
 --  Martin, age  10 


 6.  WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?  
 When they're rich.
 --  Pam, age  7 ( Love her )

 -The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
 - - Curt, age   7
  
 -The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.  
 - - Howard,  age 8 


 7.    IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? 
 It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
 --  Anita, age 9   (bless you child ) 


 8.  HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?  
 There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
 --  Kelvin, age 8 

And the #1 Favorite is ....... 


 9.  HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?  
 Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
  --  Ricky, age  10   

    

   
  
 

SOME INTERESTING FACTS ABOUT EASTER

When is Easter Sunday

• 2012  8th April
• 2013 30th March
• 2014 20th April

Easter Sunday celebrates the day when Jesus Christ was resurrected.  On Good Friday, Christ was crucified and then buried.  But on the third day, he rose from the dead.  Thus Easter Sunday is the most important date in the Christian calendar, far more important than even Christmas day - Jesus' birth.
Fewer than one person in a thousand could tell you how the date for Easter Sunday is determined and thus explain precisely why Easter falls on a different date each year.  While many people will tell you the moon was a factor, few realize that the vernal equinox plays a crucial role in the calculation.
This simplistic calculation for 'When is Easter' works for most years:
1) Start your calculation from the Vernal Equinox, which is usually on March 21st.
2) Consult a diary to determine the next full moon.  Easter falls on the following Sunday.
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As mentioned earlier, Easter Sunday is set by the 1st full moon after the Spring Equinox (which is March 20).  Here's the interesting info.  2008 was the earliest Easter any of us will ever see the rest of our lives! And only the most elderly of our population have ever seen it this early (95 years old or above!). And none of us have ever, or will ever, see it a day earlier! Here's the facts:
1) The next time Easter will be as early as March 23 will be the year 2228 (200+ years from now). The last time it was this early was 1913 (so if you're 95 or older, you are the only ones that were around for that!).
2) The next time it will be a day earlier, March 22, will be in the year 2285 (275+ years from now). The last time it was on March 22 was 1818. So, no one alive today has or will ever see it any earlier than March 23rd 2008.

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• Palm Sunday is always on the Sunday before Easter.
• Good Friday is two days before Easter (Christ arose on the third day).
• Mothering Sunday (UK) 3 weeks before Easter
• Ash Wednesday, which marks the start of lent is 46 days before Easter.  The calculation of 40 days for lent discounts Sundays, thus explaining the discrepancy between 46 and 40.  There is also 'Shrove Tuesday' otherwise known as 'Pancake Day'.

 --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In times gone by, Easter bonnets [spring bonnets] were commonplace.  People liked to dress up in their finest clothes for the festival.  Women would consider it a matter of pride to buy a new bonnet for Easter, the frillier and more luxurious the better.
This appears to be in many ways a reaction to the ending of the Christian period of Lent.  During Lent, many Christians deny themselves luxuries.  So when Lent ended, going out and buying an Easter bonnet was an enjoyable way to greet Easter.  Spring time in general represents an end of the deprivations and restrictions of winter.
Easter bonnets were also worn in the Easter parades that used to be more common than they are today.
The heyday of bonnet wearing in the US was probably the 1930s. In his song "Easter Parade," Irving Berlin includes the following lines:
'In your Easter bonnet, with all the frills upon it,
You'll be the grandest lady in the Easter Parade.
I'll be all in clover and when they look you over,
I'll be the proudest fellow in the Easter Parade.
On the avenue, Fifth Avenue, the photographers will snap us,
And you'll find that you're in the rotogravure*.
Oh, I could write a sonnet about your Easter bonnet,
And of the girl I'm taking to the Easter Parade.'
The song also went on to be featured in the 1948 movie "Easter Parade". In recent years the custom of wearing Easter bonnets has rather declined.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Fortunately these extra nuances only come into play every 20 years or so.
For 2000 years it is the Church that calculates when Easter falls.  They are the sole arbiters of this date. Their calculations fix the Vernal Equinox at March 21st, even if astronomically, it falls on March 20th.  Moreover, the ecclesiastical full moon is always 14 days from the ecclesiastical new moon.  This may vary by one day from the astronomical full moon.
There are two more variables.  The international date line may potentially cause the full moon to fall on different days in different parts of the world.  Finally some Eastern Churches use the Julian calendar instead of the more modern Julian calendar, this factor produces the biggest practical difference in the determination of Easter.
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