Funny Football Quotes

Dick Butkus: "I wouldn't ever set out to hurt anyone deliberately unless it was, you know, important —like a league game or something."

Jack Tatum: "I like to believe that my best hits border on felonious assault."

Jim Finks, when asked after a loss what he thought of the officiating: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy referees."

Dave Barry: "I have seen women walk right past a TV set with a football game on and - this always amazes me - not stop to watch, even if the TV is showing replays of what we call a "good hit," which is a tackle that causes at least one major internal organ to actually fly out of a player's body."

Unknown: "One of the great disappointments of a football game is that the cheerleaders never seem to get injured."

Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Terrell Owens, of the San Francisco 49ers, was asked for one word to describe himself. He said "confident." When asked for another word he said "very."

Tim Green: "Let's face it, you have to have a slightly recessive gene that has a little something to do with the brain to go out on the football field and beat your head against other human beings on a daily basis."

Frank Gifford: "Pro Football is like nuclear warfare. There are no winners, only survivors."

Big Daddy Lipscomb: "I just wrap my arms around the whole backfield and peel 'em one by one until I get to the ball carrier. Him I keep."

Heywood Hale Broun: "Football is, after all, a wonderful way to get rid of your aggressions without going to jail for it."

George Will: "Football combines two of the worst things in American life. It is violence punctuated by committee meetings."

Steve Henderson: "I'd catch a punt naked, in the snow, in Buffalo, for a chance to play in the NFL."

Arnold Mandell: "Football is not a game but a religion, a metaphysical island of fundamental truth in a highly verbalized, disguised society, a throwback of 30,000 generations of anthropological time."

Phyllis Diller: "The reason women don't play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public."

George Rogers: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

Doug Plank: "Most football teams are temperamental. That's 90% temper and 10% mental."

Deion Sanders, commenting on the troubled Randy Moss: "He's like a beautiful woman who can't cook, doesn't want to clean and doesn't want to take care of the kids. You really don't want her, but she's so beautiful that you can't let her go."

Jay Leno, commenting on the NCAA plans, to reach college athletes, by launching an anti-gambling campaign on the Cartoon Network: "You know what's sad about this? Not the gambling, but the best way to reach college athletes is the Cartoon Network."

Tony Kornheiser: "Men are clinging to football on a level we aren't even aware of. For centuries, we ruled everything, and now, in the last ten minutes, there are all these incursions by women. It's our Alamo."

Jeff Gordon, St. Louis Post-Dispatch writer, commenting on the poor attendance at Arizona Cardinal games: "If Marc Bulger throws an interception in Sun Devil Stadium and nobody is there to see it, is it still an interception?"

Lou Groza, NFL Hall of Fame kicker: "Old place-kickers never die, they just go on missing the point."

Scott Ostler, San Francisco Chronicle, on how football players will have different attitudes in the future.: "Twenty years from now, today's football players will be saying, 'Back in my day, we didn't do all the outlandish stuff these kids are doing. We kept it dignified, with Sharpies and cell phones."

Deacon Jones: "I'm the best defensive end around. I'd hate to have to play against me."

Sam Wyche, who had his vocal cords accidentally cut during a biopsy and now has trouble yelling across the field during practices, relating what some old players of his had to say: "Why didn't his happen 20 years ago? I wouldn't have had to run as many laps."

Julie Brown, prior to the 1993 Super Bowl between the Dallas Cowboys and the Buffalo Bills, asked Emmitt Smith: "What are you going to wear in the game Sunday?"

Will Allen, then at Syracuse University, upon being introduced to Hall of Famer Lynn Swann and being told that Swann was one of the greatest wide receivers in NFL history said: "And what team did you play for?"

Paul Tagliabue, NFL Commissioner: "I'm a firm believer that all sports will eventually be global. Someday, we may have a quarterback from China named Yao Fling."

John Lynch, Tampa Bay Buccaneers safety, commenting on the Budweiser beer commercials featuring the me-first football player Leon: "Great commercials during the game. Especially like the Budweiser one with Keyshawn...I mean Leon."

Deion Sanders, on why he doesn't like the two-week break between the conference championship games and the Super Bowl: "Having two weeks off gives family, friends and the media more time to get on your nerves."

Marvin Lewis, suggesting that coaches should be able to add monikers on players uniforms, like "He Hate Me" during training camp, he suggested the following examples: "He Doesn't Listen,"; "He Jumps Offsides"; and "He Can't See."

Craig Kilborn, CBS late-night television host, commenting on how crass Janet Jackson's halftime incident was during Super Bowl XXXVIII: "so crass and so sleazy that Fox television is launching its own investigation (as to) why they didn't do it first."

Chad Bratzke, explaining life in the NFL: "The pads don't keep you from getting hurt. They just keep you from getting killed."

Bret Lewis, Los Angeles radio announcer: "The Philadelphia Eagles signed wide receiver Terrell Owens despite his reputation as a clubhouse cancer. A few days later, the home of the Eagles, Veterans Stadium, implodes. Connect the dots, people."

Tom Arnold, of Fox Sports Net's Best Damn Sports Show Period, during the "Things you wouldn't say to.... segment, said this about Warren Sapp: "Hey, Warren, the Raiders signed you to a seven-year deal. I guess Bill Callahan was right --- they are the dumbest team in America."

Thomas "Hollywood" Henderson, suggesting that Terry Bradshaw wasn't very smart: "He's so dumb, he couldn't spell 'cat' if you spotted him the 'c' and the 'a'."

Ricky Williams: "I didn't quit football because I failed a drug test, I failed a test because I was ready to quite football."

William "The Refrigerator" Perry: "I've been big ever since I was little."

Rodney Landingham, University of Nevada defensive back, arrested on charges of bank robbery, in a jailhouse interview was quoted as saying: "It would've been worth it if I hadn't gotten caught."

Chuck Mills: "When it comes to football, God is prejudiced - toward big, fast kids."

Luke Salisbury: "Watching football is like watching pornography. There's plenty of action, and I can't take my eyes off it, but when it's over, I wonder why the hell I spent an afternoon doing it."

Sue Lawley: "American football makes rugby look like a Tupperware party."

Frank Middleton, Oakland Raiders; prior to Super Bowl XXXVII he was asked what was the best thing his ex-head coach Jon Gruden did for the Oakland Raiders. Frank said: "Leave."

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

Terry Bradshaw: "I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid."

Reggie Williams, when asked his greatest strengths as a football player : "Speed, strength, and the inability to register pain immediately."

Elbert Hubbard: "College football is a sport that bears the same relation to education that bullfighting does to agriculture."

Randy Cross: "The NFL, like life, is full of idiots."

Merle Kessler: "Football players, like prostitutes, are in the business of ruining their bodies for the pleasure of strangers."

Joe Jacoby: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl"
Matt Millen: "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom, too."

Blackie Sherrod, on an auto wreck involving hard-living quarterback Bobby Layne: "After indulging is some heavy, late-night research with some scholarly friends, Bobby was driving back to his hotel, innocently enough, when he was side-swiped by several empty cars lurking at curbside."

Duffy Daugherty: "A tie is like kissing your sister."

Jeff Kemp: "Rapport? You mean like, 'You run as fast as you can, and I'll throw it as far as I can'?"

President Gerald Ford: "I had pro offers from the Detroit Lions and Green Bay Packers, who were pretty hard up for linemen in those days. If I had gone into professional football the name Jerry Ford might have been a household word today."

Emmitt Smith, when asked about new Cowboy coach Bill "The Big Tuna" Parcells: "I have not talked to him, but I have been eating a lot of tuna."

Jack "The Assassin" Tatum, former Raiders defensive back: "I like to believe that my best hits border on felonious assault."

Howie Long, having fun at the expense of Fox colleague Terry Bradshaw: "In Montana, they renamed a town after an all-time great, Joe Montana. Well, a town in Massachusetts changed their name to honor my guy Terry Bradshaw--Marblehead."

Jim Brosnahan, the defense attorney representing the city of Oakland in the NFL team's suit against the city of Oakland, after a couple of lively courtroom exchanges between Brosnahan and Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis, this exchange took place in court:
BROSNAHAN - "Would it be fair to say you turned around the Raiders in the 1960s?"
DAVIS - "You're being too kind to me."
BROSNAHAN - "It won't last. Let's enjoy the moment."

Conan O'Brien, on the NFL starting its own cable network: This is good because up until now, the only channel to find 24-hour coverage of the NFL players was Court TV."

Erma Bombeck: "If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead."

Duffy Daugherty: "Football isn't a contact sport, it's a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport."

George Will: "Football incorporates the two worst elements of American society: violence punctuated by committee meetings.

Deacon Jones: "I was the originator of smack. Some guys rattle with smack; with other guys it rolls right off their shoulders like nothing."

Max McGee: "When it's third and ten, you can take the milk drinkers and I'll take the whiskey drinkers every time."

Press box Maxim: "Playing football in the morning is like eating cabbage for breakfast."

Tex Schramm, responding to holdout running back's description of him as "sick and demented and dishonest", Schramm replied laughing: "That's not bad. He got two out of three right."

Jason Taylor, on why he presented the whole Miami Dolphins locker room with a gift box of of products from one of his sponsors, Neutrogena: "To rectify some of the ugliness going on in this locker room."

Randy Moss, explaining the no-look, over-the-shoulder lateral to Moe Williams for a 59-yard touchdown: "It' a once-in-a-lifetime thing that only happens every so often."

Rod Smith, when asked if he had ever seen a similar play to the Randy Moss to Moe Williams, no-look, over-the-shoulder lateral play: "Yeah, on PlayStation."

Bill Curry: "He's a leading leader on this football team."

Scott Ostler, San Francisco Chronicle reporter, commenting on the announcement that the NFL hopes to put a team in Los Angeles by 2008: "L.A. greeted the news with widespread riots, crazy parties and celebrations, honking and shouting, cars overturned and set afire, and thousands of gunshots fired into the air. Or, maybe that stuff had nothing to do with the NFL announcement."

Leroy Hoard, describing his running style: "You need two yards, I'll get you three. You need 10 yards, I'll get you three."

Ray Lewis: "Pain is only temporary, no matter how long it lasts."

Torrin Polk, talking about his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

Gary Anderson, FG kicker,: "One thing I've learned over the years is sometimes if you make kicks early in the game, you don't have to make them late."

Phil Simms, remarking on how underdogs never give up hope in football games: "I remember one time, playing for the Giants, when we were playing the unbeatable Dallas Cowboys, they were 8 and 1."

Funny Sports (mis)Quotes

"As Phil De Glanville said, each game is unique, and this one is no different to any other." (John Sleightholme, sports presenter BBC 1

"Bill Frindal has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator." (John Arlott)

"Fred Davis, the doyen of snooker, now 67 years of age and too old to get
his leg over, prefers to use his left hand." (Ted Lowe)

"Ah! Isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew." (Harry Carpenter)

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." (Winston Bennett

"Henry Horton's got a funny stance. It looks as if he's sh*tting on a shooting stick." (Brian Johnstone)

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." (Greg Norman)

"The Port Elizabeth ground is more of a circle than an oval. It's long and square." (Trevor Bailey)

"Watch the time - it gives you an indication of how fast they are running." (Ron Pickering)

"A brain scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from stress fracture of the shin" (Jo Sheldon)

"The French are not normally a Nordic Skiing Nation." (Ron Pickering)

"That's inches away from being millimeter perfect" (Ted Lowe)

"I can't tell who's leading. It's either Oxford or Cambridge" (Jon Snagge, Boat Race)

"The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests absolutely round." (Tony Crozier)

"Here we are in the Holy Land of Israel, a Mecca for tourists." (David Vine)

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer." (David Acfield)

Quotes About Dogs

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog? -- Unknown

Man is a dog's idea of what God should be. -- Holbrook Jackson

It's a dog eat dog world, and I'm wearing milk-bone underwear -- Norm, on Cheers

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's much too dark to read.
-- Groucho Marx

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. -- Unknown

Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant. -- Unknown

Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies. -- Gene Hill

In dog years, I'm dead. -- Unknown

To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs. -- Aldous Huxley

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. -- Robert Benchley

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. -- Sue Murphy

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. -- August Strindberg

No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. -- Fran Lebowitz

Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! -- Anne Tyler

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. -- Rita Rudner

Quotes About Cats

No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens -- Abraham Lincoln

Dogs have Owners, Cats have Staff. -- Anon

There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats. -- Anon

If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer. -- Alfred North Whitehead

Cats always seem so very wise, when staring with their half-closed eyes. Can they be thinking, ''I'll be nice, and maybe she will feed me twice?'' -- Bette Midler

The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to admitting it. -- Doug Larson

One cat just leads to another. -- Ernest Hemingway
The phrase 'domestic cat' is an oxymoron. -- George Will
I've met many thinkers and many cats, but the wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. --  Hippolyte Taine

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can not get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. -- Jeff Valdez

A home without a cat--and a well-fed, well-petted and properly revered cat--may be a perfect home, perhaps, but how can it prove title? -- Mark Twain

A cat is more intelligent than people believe, and can be taught any crime. -- Mark Twain

Of all God's creatures there is only one that cannot be made the slave of the lash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with a cat it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the cat. -- Mark Twain

That cat will write her autograph all over your leg if you let her. -- Mark Twain

You may say a cat uses good grammar. Well, a cat does - but you let a cat get excited once; you let a cat get to pulling fur with another cat on a shed, nights, and you'll hear grammar that will give you the lockjaw. Ignorant people think it's the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it's the sickening grammar they use.  -- Mark Twain

Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later.  -- Mary Bly

When I play with my cat, who knows whether I do not make her more sport than she makes me? -- Michael de Montaigne

Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well. -- Missy Dizick

If cats could talk, they wouldn't. -- Nan Porter

Authors like cats because they are such quiet, lovable, wise creatures, and cats like authors for the same reasons. -- Robertson Davies

To bathe a cat takes brute force, perseverance, courage of conviction and a cat. The last ingredient is usually hardest to come by. -- Stephen Baker

How to poop at work

Keep the following in mind when going poopies at work...We've all been there, but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. 

WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2000 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE - Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leakat the urinal or forcing a poop in the stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic and embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not
acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE) - Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH - Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom.This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME - Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in andbusts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that thesmell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER - Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN) - Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS - Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR - Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all
uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH - Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This canbe used to cover up a WATERMELON or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE - Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON - Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. SEE CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET - Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED - Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees. 

FLY BY - Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful  not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

Memorandum

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers, therefore, a list of preferred new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

PREFERRED: Perhaps I can work late.
OLD: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?

PREFERRED: I'm certain that is not feasible.
OLD: No fucking way.

PREFERRED: Really?
OLD: You've got to be shitting me.

PREFERRED: Perhaps you should check with ...
OLD: Tell someone who gives a shit.

PREFERRED: Of course I'm concerned.
OLD: Ask me if I give a shit.

PREFERRED: I wasn't involved in that project.
OLD: Its not my fucking problem.

PREFERRED: That's interesting behavior.
OLD: What the fuck?!

PREFERRED: I'm not sure I can implement this.
OLD: Fuck it, it won't work.

PREFERRED: I'll try to schedule that.
OLD: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner.

PREFERRED: Are you sure this is a problem.
OLD: Who the fuck cares.

PREFERRED: He's not familiar with the problem.
OLD: He's got his head up his ass.

PREFERRED: Excuse me sir?
OLD: Eat shit and die motherfucker.

PREFERRED: So you weren't happy with it?
OLD: Kiss my ass!

PREFERRED: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.
OLD: Fuck it, I'm on salary.

PREFERRED: I don't think you understand.
OLD: Shove it up your ass.

PREFERRED: I love a challenge.
OLD: This job sucks.

PREFERRED: You want me to take care of that?
OLD: Who the hell died and made you boss.

PREFERRED: I see.
OLD: Blow me.

PREFERRED: Yes, we really should discuss it.
OLD: Another fucking meeting!

PREFERRED: I don't think this will be a problem.
OLD: I really don't give a shit.

PREFERRED: He's somewhat insensitive. 
OLD: He's a fucking prick.

PREFERRED: She's an aggressive go getter 
OLD: She's a ball busting bitch.

PREFERRED: I think you could use more training 
OLD: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

Top 16 Signs Your Janitor is Not a Mathematical Genius

16. Only 47 different locks in the building, but 150 keys on his key ring. 

15. He's wallpapered the boiler room with old lottery tickets. 

14. For some reason, counting to five often involves a journey into the double digits. 

13. Uses WD-40 instead of Formula 409 when cleaning windows because "them big numbers is mighty scary." 

12. The two quarters, two dimes and "pretty rock from the parking lot" he gave you as change for a dollar. 

11. When told to provide two roles of toilet paper for all five bathroom stalls asks how many toilets that would be. 

10. Despite lowering his trousers, can't seem to count past 21. 

9. Take-home pay per week: $300. Price of keeping his kids in Nikes per week: $400. 

8. Somehow thought he'd be getting more from his divorce settlement with Rosanne. 

7. Says he enjoyed Wrestlemania X so much, he can't wait for Wrestlemania Y. 

6. Thinks "circumference" is a Jewish ritual and "denominator" a Schwarzenegger movie. 

5. His greatest math accomplishment? Formulated "Vern's Theorem" -- E=TP squared (Everyone loves an extra roll of toilet paper!) 

4. His "Liquid Plumber" requires precisely one 6-pack and a 30-minute wait. 

3. Couldn't remember so he had "2 parts water, 1 part Spic 'N' Span" tattooed on his forearm. 

2. His "miracle cleaner"? 40% Mr. Clean and 90% water. 

1. He tries to measure Minnie Driver's head with anything less than a yardstick.

101 Ways to Annoy People

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly. 

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." 

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..." 

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. 

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly. 

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies. 

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. 

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. 

14. Name your dog "Dog."

15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up." 

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." 

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training." 

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot." 

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol. 

21. Practice making fax and modem noises. 

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss. 

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. 

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance. 

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person." 

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control. 

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment. 

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room. 

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice. 

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. 

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page. 

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates. 

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings. 

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places. 

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times. 

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon. 

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise. 

45. Honk and wave to strangers. 

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange. 

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show. 

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies. 

49. Wear your pants backwards. 

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register. 

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!" 

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE. 

53. only type in lowercase. 

54. dont use any punctuation either 

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. 

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies. 

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes. 

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question. 

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps. 

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories. 

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now." 

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake. 

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley. 

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency. 

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained. 

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk. 

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it. 

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat. 

73. Drive half a block. 

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are. 

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl. 

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes". 

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song. 

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet. 

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day. 

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. 

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed. 

86. Wear a LOT of cologne. 

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing." 

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors. 

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!" 

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. 

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles." 

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture." 

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times. 

96. Never make eye contact. 

97. Never break eye contact. 

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results. 

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

Intelligent Quotes

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff," -- Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president," -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle

" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another" -- George Bush, US President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -- Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version," -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

“If we let the loggers go in and cut down all the trees we wouldn’t have a problem with forest fires.” – George Bush

Top 20 Signs It's a Bad Day

You wake up face down on the pavement. 

You put your bra on backwards and it fits better. 

You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold. 

You see a ''60 minutes'' news team waiting in your office. 

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. 

You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any. 

You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city. 

Your twin sister forgot your birthday. 

You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that you don't have a waterbed. 

Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway. 

Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache. 

Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat. 

The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.

You wake up and your braces are locked together. 

You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose. 

Your blind date turns out to be your ex. 

Your paycheck bounces. 

You put both contact lenses in the same eye. 

Your pet rock snaps at you. 

Your wife says, ''Good morning, Bill'' and your name is George.