A cheating wife is having sex with her lover

A cheating wife is having sex with her lover when the phone rings. She picks it up, listens for a couple of minutes, puts it down and says, "that was my husband."
Worried, her lover starts to put his clothes on.
"Calm down," she says, "we've got plenty of time. He's playing cards with you and the rest of his mates."

    Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy

 Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday? She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the fellow did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."

 Don't walk under a ladder this Friday

SOME people will refuse to leave their homes; a few will not even venture out of bed. They are among the millions of people who believe Friday the 13th is unlucky. As many as one in four are believed to subscribe to the superstition, according to research.
If you are one of them, 2012 may not be your year. There will be three Friday the 13ths: this coming Friday, then two more in April and July.
The Independent has investigated the superstitions, events and strange happenings associated with the date. There are 13 of them, so look away now if you are triskaidekaphobic (afraid of the number 13).
1. The fear of Friday the 13th is known by one of two names: paraskevidekatriaphobia (stemming from the Greek words for Friday, 13 and fear), or friggatriskaidekaphobia (Friday derives its name from the Norse goddess Frigga and triskaidekaphobia is the fear of the number 13).

2. Friday 13 August, 2010 proved particularly unlucky for a 13-year-old boy who was struck by lightning at Lowestoft Seafront Air Festival in Suffolk. To add to the strangeness, the time when St John Ambulance volunteers treated him was 13.13. Luckily, he suffered only a minor burn.
3. When an aircraft crashed in the Andes on Friday 13 October, 1972, survivors had to resort to cannibalism, eating the dead passengers to survive before being rescued more than two months later.
4. The heavy metal band Black Sabbath released their eponymous debut album on Friday 13 February, 1970.
5. An article, Is Friday 13th bad for your health?, published in the British Medical Journal in 1993 concluded the date was unlucky for some and that it might be safer to stay at home. The authors found "the risk of hospital admission as a result of a transport accident may be increased by as much as 52 per cent".
6. Research in 2003 suggested people who thought they were unlucky were more likely to believe in superstitions linked to bad luck which could, in turn, actually lead to bad luck. Psychologist Professor Richard Wiseman, of the University of Hertfordshire, said Friday the 13th could make some people anxious and therefore more accident-prone.
7. Nevertheless, every Friday 13th, motorbike enthusiasts gather in Port Dover in Ontario, Canada, to celebrate. The tradition, said to have started in 1981 with about 25 friends, is now enjoyed by thousands of bikers and visitors.
8. A virus programmed to delete files struck IBM computers across Britain on Friday 13 January 1989.
9. Tube trains were cleared out of the path of a runaway engineering train, which went through six stations during a 13-minute journey on London's Underground, on Friday 13 August last year. The unmanned train, which had become uncoupled when being towed, ran for nearly four miles on the Northern Line.
10. American rapper Tupac Shakur died on Friday 13 September 1996 after being shot six days earlier.
11. Friday 13 May, 1927 became known as Black Friday after the stock market in Berlin collapsed.

12. There are many proposed origins of the Friday the 13th superstition, including some linked to the Bible. One theory is based on an amalgamation of two ideas: 13 is unlucky because there were 13 diners at the Last Supper and Friday is unlucky because it is the day when Jesus was crucified.
13. More than 60 million people worldwide are reported to suffer from fear of Friday the 13th. Dr Donald Dossey, of the Stress Management Center/Phobia Institute in Asheville, North Carolina, estimates this costs as much as $900m to the US alone.

FUNNY HEDLINES

Here is a list of ten headlines that are sure to rub your funny bone. Wonder if the editor of the news continued with the job after these came in print!

My 1-day employment

I heard a position just opened up at Walmart and I thought I might apply......

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day....
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store
with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7..
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?'
So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

New Seat Belt law

This becomes effective January 1, 2012 in ALL Countries.
The National Highway Safety Council has done extensive Testing on a newly Designed seat belt.
Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 95%
When the belt is properly installed.
Correct Installation is illustrated below.......
Please pass on to family and friends.
THIS MAY HELP SAVE A LIFE! 

This can really save lives and lower blood pressure by 40%

I KNOW.... YOU SMILED.

The Importance of Walking as you get older

The Importance of walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.

This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $4,000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we have no idea where the hell he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing...

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 250 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there!

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a pub with a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

You could run this over to your friends
But just forward it to them!
It will save you the walk!

THAT'S LIFE...

We never get what we want,

We never want what we get,
We never have what we like,
We never like what we have.
And still we live & love.
That's life...

The best kind of friend,
Is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with,
Never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it

was the best conversation you've ever had.

It's true that we don't know
What we've got until it's gone,
But it's also true that we don't know
What we've been missing until it arrives.

Giving someone all your love is never an assurance

that they'll love you back!
Don't expect love in return;
Just wait for it to grow in their heart,
But if it doesn't, be content it grew in yours.

It takes only a minute to get a crush on

someone, an hour to like someone,
And a day to love someone,
But it takes a lifetime to forget someone....

Don't go for looks; they can deceive.
Don't go for wealth; even that fades away.
Go for someone who makes you smile,
Because it takes only a smile to
Make a dark day seem bright.
Find the one that makes your heart smile!

May you have
Enough happiness to make you sweet,

Enough trials to make you strong,
Enough sorrow to keep you human,
And enough hope to make you happy.

Always put yourself in others' shoes.
If you feel that it hurts you,
It probably hurts the other person, too.

  
The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything;
they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.
Happiness lies for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched,

those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of people
Who have touched their lives...

When you were born, you were crying
And everyone around you was smiling.
Live your life so that when you die,
You're the one who is smiling
And everyone around you is crying.

Please forward this message to those people who mean something

to you, to those who have touched your life in one way

or another, to those who make you smile when you really need it,
to those that make you see the brighter side of things when you are

really down, to those who you want to know that you

appreciate their friendship.