Describe professions

What does your profession say about you?

1. MARKETING - You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

2. SALES - Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a
degree." You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

3. TECHNOLOGY - Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

4. ENGINEERING - One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergo dynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome."

5. ACCOUNTING - The only other sign that studied in school. You
are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

6. HUMAN RESOURCES - Ironically, given your access to confidential
information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.

7. MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT - Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in you social circle is a "Middle Manager."

8. SENIOR MANAGEMENT - (See above - Same sign, different title)

9. CUSTOMER SERVICE - Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

10. CONSULTANT - Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.

11. RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER" - As a "person" that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.

12. PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO - You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.

13. GOVERNMENT WORKER - Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job... Thus the term "GO POSTAL"

Inspirational Messages Redefined

17. There is no "I" in "teamwork." But there is in "management kiss-up."

16. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.

15. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

14. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security.

13. If you think we're a bad company, you should see the competition.

12. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings--they did it by killing all those who oppose them.

11. We put the "k" in "kwality."

10. 2 days without a human rights violation.

9. Your job is STILL better than asking, "You want fries with that?"

8. We build great products when we feel like it and don't have any reason to call in sick.

7. If at first you don't succeed, try management.

6. Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.

5. The beatings will continue until morale improves.

4. Pride, Commitment, Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work for free.

3. If at first you don't succeed, delegate it.

2. Plagiarism saves time.

1. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Useful work phrases

USEFUL PHRASES AT WORK:

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist  Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

How about never? Is never good for you?

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me  You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication  I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

Who me? I just wander from room to room.

My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

20 Annoying Things to do at a Supermarket

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1. Juggle the fruits and "accidently" hit the other customers as they fall off course. (not into your hands) "When they say "OW!" say, "I'm so sorry... come here you little juggle... and apologize. After a few moments of silence start spanking thin air. (Make little squirming noises, act very serious)

2. Wedge things in all the freezer and refrigerator doors so that they don't close all the way. Write little notes saying: WILL YOU BE MY FRIEND?!

3. Buy a live lobster and set it free in the store.

4. Find a shopping cart with soda in it and shake the *&$%#@ out of them! Then put them back into the shopping cart.

5. Have shopping cart races down the aisles.

6. Talk to the fresh fish.

7. Dump the tray of food samples in your purse or pockets. Then say in a sorry look..."I'm hungry..." then llok down at your stomach.

8. Go up to a random person and ask when their b-day is. If they don't tell you scream out "HAPPRY BIRTHDAY!!!" and make the person VERY embarrassed. If they do tell you pretend you couldn't hear them and say, "What is that? You want to steal something?!"(act alarmed)

9. Use cantaloupes for bowling balls and pineapples for bowings pins and hold a bowling tournament in the aisles.

10. "Accidentally" drop a jar of pickles and walk away very, very fast if people ask if you had done it say, "It was the fish in the seafood aisle, I saw him do it!!!"

11. Fill a shopping cart with things like toilet paper, daipers, and kleenex and leave it in the meat aisle.

12. Throw a party by yourself, for yourself.

13. Use a banana as a telephone and talk to your Aunt Edna.

14. Go to sleep in a shopping cart in the middle of the aisle and when you sense that someone is watching you start blowing bubbles out of your mouth and act like a little baby. sleeping.

15. Make race car noises as you "drive" your shopping cart up and down the aisles. ex. SCEEEEEEERCH! EEEER!

16. Try to auction off a grapefruit starting from $100.00

17. When they ask you if you want "paper or plastic" reply, "papestic please." Then smile evilly.

18. Switch the price labels on very expensive items with those of very cheap items. Then try to buy the expensive items with the cheap price label on it.

19. Play hopscotch on the tiles on the floor then pretend you snapped your ankle and start crying. When the manager comes say "I'm gonna sue you! You should have a sign that says: NO HOPSCOTCHING. Then pout.

20. Tell them you are with the Department of Health and you need to test ALL of their foods.

21. Get in the express line with more than ninty items. When they tell you to go to another line start crying. Or smile and run out the store abandoning your shopping cart that's filled with ninty items.

22. Try a food sample and then say in a loud voice, "This tastes like my friends dog..." Then duck low pretending to be a shame dof yourself.

23. Whenever someone is blocking the aisle infrontof you go "Beep beep!" If they STILL won't move say "I'm gonna give you a ticket you know..."

24. Buy 75 sticks of deodorant. Then open them all and place them facing up in front of a busy aisle making it impossible to get out of the aisle without hitting the 75 sticks of deodorant. And say "HA HA, gotcha!"

25. Randomly stick boxes of Midol into guys' shopping carts when they aren't looking.

26. Ask one of the cashiers if they have any pork that is suitable for a sacrificial offering.

27. Sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" very loudly while walking around the supermarket with a shopping cart full of lamb chops.

20 Responses to Telemarketers

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy andyou could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked,
because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My
arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their
name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is
located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy andI'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask,"What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you
been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan,
reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you
be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the
receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them
on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they
could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably
tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come
on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . .
louder . . . louder . . .

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

NOTICE: The above have all been tested and approved for use on telemarketers.

No animals were harmed in the testing

Burger King-Top 20

1. Ask for a Big Mac and a Supersized fry.

2. Ask how much a 99 cent Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger is.

3. When ordering at the drive through, honk the horn until you leave the parking lot.

4. Ride through the drive through on a bicycle.

5. Play your car stereo loudly when ordering.

6. Ask to speak to Dave Thomas.

7. Order 1 thing at a time at the drive through, keep driving around until you have a complete meal.

8. When eating in, sit alone and start laughing loudly for no reason.

Then start talking like someones eating accross the table.

9. Pull up to take your food, don't take it, and drive away.

10. Go through the drive through and say nothing.

11. When they ask, "Can I take your order?" repeat that and everything else they say. (The shadow game.)

12. When in the drive through, slam into the car ahead of you and yell "Would you like frys with that?"

13. When they ask "Can I take your order?" say "No thank you." and drive away.

14. When eating in, pick up and throw your chair and yell, "They forgot the $#@%&*% mustard! and resume eating.

15. Go from table to table and steal food.

16. When eating in, sit next to people and say "That looks good, can I have a bite?"

17. Order 20 hamburgers, pull up to get them and say "I've changed my mind, I just want a large Coke."

18. Walk in and sit next to somebody and say "It's a shame about your car."

19. Ask if the 99 cent Value Menu prices will lower.

20. Do the same thing as in number 17 but say "I hope you just put Ketchup on all those."

The Top 15 Layoff Greeting Cards

 

15. Roses are red, violets are blue.Al Gore's out of work, and so are you.

14. Your writing was great!Such a way with cards!Now please leave quietlyOr we'll call the guards.

13. We all know that you're valuable, You do so many things, But we found someone for half your pay With dreads and eyebrow rings.

12. Your poems were sublime! Your work left us gaspin'!But the prez wants to buildA new condo in Aspen!

11. Roses are red, violets are blue. I wouldn't get sick, if I were you: You've lost your job, and your insurance, too.

10. Get Re-employed Soon!

9.We realize that on this solemn day, A part of our company goes with you.

We strongly suggest that you put it back. Signed, the guys in Security.

8. Don't think of it as getting older. Think of it as dying penniless after a meal of Alpo on toast.

7. You are invited to a layoff!

Date: Today

From: Management

For: Restructuring

Bring: Your belongings

6. During your times of suffering, when you could see only oneset of footprints, it was then that you had your feet onthe desk and your lazy ass was playing Minesweeper.

5. At writing cute poems, you were the bomb, But now we suggest: monster.com.

4. We hope this friendly greeting card Will ease your post-job tension,

At least until you find that we Have pissed away your pension.

3. In order to replace your work, We'll have to count on Tom.

We're sure that he can handle Surfing redhotbuns.com

2. Your work was really wonderful, But we have to boost our stock.

We're really sad to see you go. Please don't rampage with your Glock.

1. You've been a great employee, So diligent and true. But there is no "i" in "our team," And now there is no "u."

Unusual Interviews

"Most unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates.

"What is it that you people do at this company?"

"What is the company motto?"

"Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"

"What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"

"Why do you want references?"

"Do I have to dress for the next interview?"

"I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"

"Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"

"Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"

"Does your health insurance cover pets?"

"Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"

"Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"

"Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"

"Why am I here?"

Unusual statements made by candidates during the interview process. I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement.

At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking.

I feel uneasy indoors.

Sometimes I feel like smashing things.

Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars.

I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington.

I get excited very easily.

Once a week, I usually feel hot all over.

I am fascinated by fire.

I like tall women.

Whenever a man is with a woman he is usually thinking about sex.

People are always watching me.

If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back.

Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct.

I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker.

I never get hungry.

I know who is responsible for most of my troubles.

If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival.

I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me.

My legs are really hairy.

I think I'm going to throw-up.