Marriage quotes
If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.
In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.
In marriage, the bridge gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains!
Jimmy Carter as President is like Truman Capote marrying Dolly Parton. The job is just too big for him. -- Rich Little
Joint Checking Account: a handly little device which permits my wife to beat me to the draw.
Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which is never advisable. -- Oscar Wilde
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.
Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
Man and wife make one fool.
In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.
In marriage, the bridge gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains!
Jimmy Carter as President is like Truman Capote marrying Dolly Parton. The job is just too big for him. -- Rich Little
Joint Checking Account: a handly little device which permits my wife to beat me to the draw.
Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which is never advisable. -- Oscar Wilde
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.
Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
Man and wife make one fool.
Fishing
Terms Explained
HOOK: A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his life
savings on a new rod and reel.
LINE: Something you give your coworkers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.
LURE: An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.
REEL: A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.
ROD: An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.
SCHOOL: A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and wait for cheese instead.
TACKLE: What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.
TACKLE BOX: A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.
TEST: A measure of your creativity in blaming "that darn line" for once again losing the fish.
LINE: Something you give your coworkers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.
LURE: An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.
REEL: A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.
ROD: An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.
SCHOOL: A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and wait for cheese instead.
TACKLE: What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.
TACKLE BOX: A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.
TEST: A measure of your creativity in blaming "that darn line" for once again losing the fish.
Ultra
dumb people
The incredibly dumb
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give himself up.
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."
A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy.
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give himself up.
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."
A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy.
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."
