Women's Language

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A must-read for all men.
Keywords and their meanings: 

FINE:
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel
we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to
describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of
those arguments. 

FIVE MINUTES:
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that
your football game is going to last before you take out the
trash, so it's an even trade. 

NOTHING:
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing"
is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting
to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing"
usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and
end with a huffy "Fine." 

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare, one that will result in my getting upset over
"Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine." 

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows):
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't
care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few
minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to
you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. 

(LOUD SIGH):
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal
statement very misunderstood by men.
A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment
and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you over "Nothing." 

(SOFT SIGH):
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one
of the few things that some men actually understand. She is
content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will
stay content. 

OH!:
This exclamation, followed by any statement, is trouble.
Example:
"Oh, let me get that." Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you
were doing last night."
If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the
nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is
done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her
to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a
sentence usually signifies that you are
caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you
will get raised eyebrows and "Go ahead" followed by acts so
unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them. 

THAT'S OK:
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can
say to a man. "That's OK" means that she wants to think long and
hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you
have done.
"That's OK" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in
conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead." At some point in
the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going
to be in some mighty big trouble. 

PLEASE DO:
This is not a statement; it is an offer. A woman is giving you
the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have
for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair
chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a
"That's OK." 

THANKS:
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say, "You're
welcome." 

THANKS A LOT:
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks
A LOT," when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that
you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by
the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the
"Loud Sigh," as she will only
say "Nothing."
I hope this clears up any misunderstandings...

Dumb Pick up lines

All those curves, and me with no brakes. 

Are your legs tired? You've been running through my mind all day long. 

Bond. James Bond. 

Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call my mom and tell I just met the girl of my dreams. 

Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call your mother and thank her. 

Can I buy you a car? 

Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

Can I flirt with you? 

Can I have directions to your heart? 

Can I have your phone number? I seem to have lost mine. 

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? 

Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams. 

Do you know what'd look good on you? Me. 

Do you like apples? How about I take you home and screw the hell out of you, how'd you like them apples? 

Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I? 

Do you take it up the ass? 

Do you want to go out for a pizza and a screw? What, don't you like pizza? 

Forget that. Playing doctor is for kids. Let's play gynecologist.

Hi, do you know why you should masturbate with these two fingers? Because they're mine. 

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock. 

Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go screw 

Screw me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me? 

Screw me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?

Sex is a killer, so do you want to die happy? 

That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too. 

Want to screw like bunnies? 

I think we must make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels now.

What Women Say & What They Mean

Can't we just be friends?

There is no way in hell I am going to let any part of your bodytouch mine, again.

I just need some space...without you in it.

Can you help me with my homework?

If I keep whining, the fool will do it for me.

Do I look fat in this dress?

We haven't had a fight in a whlile.

No, pizza's fine.

Cheap bastard.

I just don't want a boyfriend now

I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.

I don't know; what do you want?

I can't believe you don't have anything planned.

Come here

My puppy does this too.

I like you but...

I don't like you.

You never listen.

You never listen.

We're moving too quickly

I am not going to sleep with you until I find out if the guy with the convertible has a g/f.

I'll be ready in a minute.

I AM ready, but I am going to make you wait because I know you will.

Oh, no, I will pay for myself.

I am just being nice; there is no way I am going dutch.

Oh Yes! Right there.

Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.

I'm just going out with the girls.

We are gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.

There's no one else.

I am doing your brother.

Size doesn't count...

...unless I want an orgasm.

You are so nice!

You are such a wimp I could never be sexually attracted to you.

Do you love me?

Do you love me more than my husband?

Oh, these flowers are beautiful.

Can I help you spell J-E-W-E-L-R-Y?

What did you do today?

You better have a damn good reason for not calling.

We should pick it out together.

I'll choose.

Helpful Tips To Make Life Simpler

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.


Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.


Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.


Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.


No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.


Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).


If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.


Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

10 Good Things About The Flu

10. No one wants to come near you.

9. You can legally take sedatives.

8. You realize guests on daytime talk shows have worse lives than you do.

7. You get away with being rude, obnoxious and surly.

6. You can smell like a baboon's butt and nobody complains.

5. You can shlep about the house unwashed and in your housecoat all day.

4. No matter how bad you feel, it's still better than how you felt after last month's tequila 'n' gin party.

3. Star Trek re-runs.

2. Your dog is allowed on the bed.

1. You get to pass the virus on to those you really dislike.

Ultra dumb people

The incredibly dumb

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give himself up.

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."

A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy.

Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."

Marriage quotes

If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.

In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.

In marriage, the bridge gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains!

Jimmy Carter as President is like Truman Capote marrying Dolly Parton. The job is just too big for him. -- Rich Little

Joint Checking Account: a handly little device which permits my wife to beat me to the draw.

Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which is never advisable. -- Oscar Wilde

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.

Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.

Man and wife make one fool.

Fishing Terms Explained

HOOK: A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his life savings on a new rod and reel.

LINE: Something you give your coworkers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.

LURE: An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.

REEL: A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.

ROD: An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.

SCHOOL: A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and wait for cheese instead.

TACKLE: What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.

TACKLE BOX: A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.

TEST: A measure of your creativity in blaming "that darn line" for once again losing the fish.

Ultra dumb people

The incredibly dumb

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give himself up.

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."

A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy.

Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."

I just realized something ...how dumb am I

It just hit me!

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.

He has his food prepared for him.

His meals are provided at no cost to him.

He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year, if any medical needs arise.

For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.

If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.

He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.

He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.

All of his costs are picked up by others who earn a living.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick ..........

My dog is a CONGRESSMAN !!!!

BRITISH HUMOUR IS HILARIOUS!!!

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

Love those Kids